Validating Your Truth

Validation of your truth is the essence of respect. When others appreciate your truth and validate your truth, it means that they are giving you space to have your version of your own truth without trying to correct you, tell you that you're wrong or explaining what they think you should be feeling or experiencing. Validation is a crucial ingredient to building a healthy identity if you've incurred any abuse or trauma in the past, or if you're simply lacking in a sense of self worth and self esteem. Invalidation is a key issue for victims of narcissistic abuse and child abuse.

The Root of Validation is Respect.
Psychological and emotional validation is pretty difficult to explain technically, however, invalidation is something that most every one has felt, though we may not always know when it is occurring. As a part of my healing journey, I've become aware of invalidation in my relationships, as well as within myself. This awareness has helped me to see which relationships are healthy and worth keeping, and which relationships are toxic and harmful for me.

When I am invalidated, it makes my day feel down. It makes me feel down. It makes me feel badly. Yet, when I'm validated, I FEEL LIKE PRINCESS LEIA!!!  I am energized. Renewed. Invigorated. I believe in myself. Validation is like scoobie snacks. So, so, so good for the soul.

It is my hope that these insights will help you to understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationships and your internal dialog so that you can begin to protect yourself from those who wish to deny you right to your own truth... and to help you know when you're tangoing with a narcissist in disguise.

The Root of Validation is...

• Respect for you as an individual. 
• Respect for you as a person. 
• Respect for your experience. 
• Respect for your individual rights.
• Respect for your beliefs.
• Respect for your choices.
• Respect for what you feel.
• Respect for your own intuition.

Notice that VALIDATION does not imply agreement. We can be validating to others even if we don't agree. Validation is not a blanket agreement, but rather, the allowing of the unique experiences, feelings and expressions of that person without trying to rewrite, manipulate or replace how they're feeling or experiencing with ones own sense of what's right or wrong.

Validation is simply accepting ones unique view of our own experiences and giving us space to be who we really are. Validating is the process of supporting, encouraging and allowing that person to have views that are uniquely his or her own, without trying to replace their truth with our own.

Give people SPACE!!!

We've all been culprits of invalidation, especially if we don't realize what invalidation is, or how to validate properly. The key is to understand how to connect with others in a way that conveys respect for their experience without losing our own opinions and experiences.

What Is Validation?

Validation is at the heart of intimacy. Sometimes to know what a term truly means, it helps to write lists. I love writing lists about psychological topics because it always leads me to insight and discovery. So, what is it like we are validated by others?

• We feel good.
• We feel as if we're healing.
• We feel connected.
• We feel right.
• We feel okay.
• We feel heard.
• We feel understood.
• We feel seen.
• We feel loved.
• We feel important.
• We feel approved.
• We feel alive.
• We feel refreshed.

When we are validated by those around us in our relationships, we feel like we're on the right path... It helps us to feel grounded in our truth. It gives us fuel to soar to new heights. Validation is the act of being seen for who we are, not for what others want us to be.

Invalidation, on the other hand, is NOT being seen for who we are, but actually being shamed or made to feel that the way we are--believing, feeling--is wrong. Chronic invalidation in childhood is considered traumatic and damaging to the heart and soul of a person. Like "soul murder." Invalidation is at the heart of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in adults and in my opinion, invalidation plays a significant role in the formation of codependent traits.

If you wish to learn more about Invalidation, I highly recommend you watch my YouTube Video on Invalidation vs. Validation and study this website:  http://eqi.org/invalid.htm. I have also gathered some research on Invalidation Here.

Being Validated: How Does It Look In Real Life?

When you are validated it means you are given space to be who you are. When in a relationship with someone who is validating towards you, you experience a feeling of ease, comfort and mutual acceptance.

Invalidation, however, causes you to feel rejected, wrong, ignored and squashed. Invalidation is a form of covert psychological abuse. Invalidating comments can often be very subtle, so the victim has no idea that he or she is being disregarded. At the core of the issue is respect of one's right to be, as well as to feel and express their true experience to an accepting other. Validation is at the heart of intimacy, respect and regard.

Here are a few examples of the process of validation in every day relating.

Statement of Personal Truth
There was something about that person that concerns me.

Validating Reply (while not necessarily agreeing)
Really?  I didn't notice anything... but then again, we only spoke to her for about 10 minutes.

Validating Reply Implies:

- I do not agree or disagree with you.
- I did not see the same thing as you, but I won't say you're wrong in what you saw.
- I didn't see anything alarming, but I could be wrong.
- You may be right.
- I'm willing to keep an open mind.
- I trust your opinion.
- I may or may not agree with you, either way, I respect your vantage.

Invalidating Reply
Really? I thought she was sweet. (condescending tone)

Invalidating Reply Implies:

- I do not agree with your experience.
- Your experience is wrong.
- My experience is correct.
- You are incorrect. 
- I am better than you.
- Your gut instincts are wrong.
- My gut instincts trump yours.
- You should feel ashamed for saying otherwise.

When a person invalidates another person, it has been my experience, that they are attempting to gain some sort of control, or gain power over the other. They are trying to use this person as an extension of themselves and not give that person the freedom to be who they are while offering their support. Here is another example:

Statment of Personal Truth I am no longer a Christian.

Validating Reply (while not necessarily agreeing)
That's okay, I respect your beliefs. I will still treat you the same.

Invalidating Reply
I cannot even continue this conversation. How could you not be a Christian?

Learning to recognize when your truth is being validated and when it's being invalidated is a big part of learning to bond to the right kind of people, especially when you were raised in an invalidating environment. You must learn to turn away from invalidating people who wish to take you off the throne of your own life and put themselves there instead. You must learn to recognize and appreciate people in your life who give you space to be who you are and encourage your freedom of thought, speech, feeling, belief and experience. Find those validating people and always, always validate yourself. ((Hugs))

The Practice of Self Soothing

Self soothing is a practice that I found I was completely missing earlier in my life. What is it? Self soothing is more than just bubble baths, candles, journaling and yoga, though it can include those things. Self soothing is something much deeper and more personal; and perhaps one of the most important aspects of Self Love that you can foster yourself.

Self soothing is the ability to calm yourself down in moments of stress or intense emotions. It is your emotional barometer, your internal regulator that keeps you emotionally stable, balanced and effective in personal mood control and relationships. Without the ability to soothe yourself, you cannot tolerate much. If you don't have enough self soothing tools in your toolbox, your relationship with yourself and others will suffer.

Adequate self care is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, and for keeping you secure as a person. You need to find ways to reconnect with yourself and recenter--regardless of what is going on around you. Think of self soothing as a baby sucking its thumb. It's a way to stay cool until mama gets her butt over here. For us, we need ways to soothe ourselves, to reassure ourselves as an escape from hard, intense emotions.

If you don't have adequate self soothing skills that are learned naturally through parenting in childhood, then you're going to have a difficult time in life. Symptoms of lacking this skill include cutting, addiction and even suicide. People who are severely depressed are likely missing this important self-nurturing capability. Thankfully, the process of self soothing can be learned and practiced.

There are many ways to practice self soothing. Relaxation techniques are soothing to the psyche, and all self soothing involves positive, nurturing self talk. I'm going to break down different ways you can self soothe both physically, emotionally and mentally.

Physical Self Soothing

• Bubble Baths, Massages, Spa, Sauna, Steam Room
• Exercise, Yoga, Cardio, Weight Training, Swimming
• Organizing, Cleaning, Decorating Your Home 
• Cooking Your Favorite Meal
• Relaxing by the Fire
• Home Improvement, Painting, Refinishing
• Art, Poetry, Blogging, Social Media 
• Calling a Friend, Socializing
• Joining a Support Group, Booking a Therapist
• Attending Concert or Show
• Going out of your way for yourself
• Singing, Karaoke
• Hobbies, Flying, Skydiving
• Spending time with Children

 Emotional Self Soothing

Emotional self soothing is a way to keep you balanced and regulates your emotions. 

• Positive Self Talk
• Reminding Yourself of Positive Things You Did This Morning
• Restating negative self opinions, correcting yourself 
• Planning your personal time for the week
• Planning your social activities for the week
• Embracing your inner child
• Speaking to yourself compassionately
• Doing shame reduction work
• Writing letters to those who hurt you
• Writing out your thoughts, Journaling
• Being with yourself through your pain
• Breath Work to get in touch with emotions
• Speaking to yourself with compassion 
• Reminding yourself how far you've come
• Facing reality, not allowing your emotions to go overboard

Mental Self Soothing 

Mental Self Soothing is soothing your intellect. I like to think of it as ways you help yourself succeed. 

• Reminding yourself of past accomplishments
• Directing yourself on the steps you need to take to reach your goal
• Organizing your day
• Listening or reading motivational content
• Social media 
• Reading spiritual texts
• Reading intellectual material, or excellent fiction
• Planning for the future
• Planning your career
• Reminding yourself that You. Can. Do. It! 
• Learning about mentors

 These activities are productive ways to soothe yourself day-to-day, moment-to-moment. If practiced, you will become more vibrant, whole and attuned to your own spirit. I'm sure there is much more to add, but my eyes are sleepy, so goodnight! Love to all. <3

"Rigidity is a form of self soothing when you are afraid of the unknown." dotJenna

How to Let Go of Fear of Abandonment

by K. Nola Mokeyane
 
The fear of abandonment is an insidious phenomenon that can create chaos and unhappiness for partners in romantic relationships. People with abandonment issues are often attracted to unavailable partners with whom they can't -- for one reason or another -- fall completely in love, says clinical psychologist and relationship psychoanalyst Frances Cohen Praver, writing for "Psychology Today." Praver believes that this pattern allows those affected by relationship abandonment issues to play it safe and not fully commit their feelings in a relationship for fear of getting hurt by the abandonment they so desperately want to avoid.

Forgive
One way for you to let go of your fear of abandonment is to practice forgiveness. Part of the reason you may be holding onto this fear is because you're holding on to anger, sadness and other difficult emotions related to abandonment you experienced in the past. If your mother or father abandoned you as a child, it's understandable to still feel hurt. What's not helpful is to assume that other people will make the same choices made by your parents or other significant people who've abandoned you. Mental health counselor Donna M. White, writing for "Psych Central," notes that " forgiveness . . . is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain and moving into a better and healthier place." Finding a way to forgive someone who's abandoned you gives you personal freedom and makes room for healthier romantic relationships.

Recognize Your Worth
If you experienced abandonment as a child, your mind may have deduced that if a parent left you, then friends, romantic partners and other significant people in your life are bound to leave you as well. If you took this loss personally and somehow felt responsible for your parent leaving you, then you may feel like your parent chose to leave because you weren't worthy enough for him or her to stay. Clearly, these deductions are fallacious. Human beings undergo complex psychological processes -- making all sorts of choices -- and children aren't responsible for a parent's choice to abandon them. If you believe that you're worthless, then all your actions will be in line with that belief, advises the Theravive website, created by a network of counselors and therapeutic clinics. You need to realize that you're not to blame for your parent's abandonment and see yourself as worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Redirect Negative Thoughts
It's important to redirect negative thoughts in order to let go of your fear of abandonment. If you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of your partner cheating on you, or if you're incredibly worried that she'll leave you one day, first recognize that your thoughts may be irrational, and then seek to entertain healthier ones. If you have strong reasons to believe your partner is cheating on you, then don't obsess about it -- ask him. If he says he's not cheating and you have no proof or red flags to support your suspicions, then it's time to move on. If these thoughts arise again, remind yourself that you've already resolved this issue with your partner and redirect your thinking to something more pleasant, such as good things about your relationship. You don't have to succumb to negative thinking -- you can simply observe negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to think of something that is more beneficial to you.

Seek Professional Help
If you find that your fear of abandonment is severe -- causing you serious distress in romantic relationships -- then you might benefit from seeking professional help. Therapy can assist you in a number of ways, including helping you identify the source of your fears, allowing you to see how fear of abandonment shows up in your patterns of behavior and offering viable solutions for managing this common fear. Sometimes simply talking to someone about thoughts and feelings that are deeply buried can provide you a release that enables you to think more clearly and make better relationship choices. Therapy is a useful tool that can assist you in letting go of your fear of abandonment permanently.

by K. Nola Mokeyane