Don't Give to a Taker

We can never give enough to satisfy the TAKER. It's just not possible. We irrationally believe that if we give, give, give, that one day the TAKER will be fixed and satisfied. Granted, this is a noble, selfless effort on our part--one we likely learned in childhood when we were vulnerable and helpless--however, this sacrifice is killing our own souls. We don't even get a thank you! Instead we are rejected by the Taker who loses respect and seeks another Giver to exploit. We must take our heads off the guillotine. We must stop ourselves from giving into the black hole of selfishness of any other person. We must reroute our time, attention, affection, concern and caring back to where it belongs. We must learn to GIVE to ourselves. We must take comfort in those who can give and take equally.

Jenna Ryan 

Ask for What You Need

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There is no prize for the person who needs the least in life. Relating with others, bonding and connecting involves being vulnerable and sharing your needs. Give & Take. This was really hard for me, it still is very difficult. I was raised to be very self sufficient, to give without taking. But we're not meant to live on this planet alone, we have to rely on each other and be open to receiving. That doesn't mean to weigh people down with our needs or to be entitled. And it doesn't mean to expect all of our needs to be met by others. It just means that we have the courage to be who we are and ask for what we need from others. They may say yes, they may say no. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and feel the interdependence at the peak of relating. But only if we roll the dice and ask.

<3 Jenna

The Fake Giver

Just when you think you've figured life out, whap! You get slapped up-side the face with a new one--least that's how my life seems to be... I've learned that there is yet another type of person in the world who will trip you up on your way to your life of bliss, and that is THE FAKE GIVER.

The Fake Giver is one who pretends to be a giver, much like the malignant narcissist who flatters during the idealization stage. The Fake Giver pretends to be on your side, like they care about you, like they have empathy, like they have mounds of generosity in their soul, only to grab everything back like a stingy miser once they have you fooled.

The Fake Giver hooks you with the pretense that they care about you. If you're a giver like me, you are prey to people who will use and abuse you using covert tactics where they dangle the carrot of promised return in front of your face. Unfortunately, the return never comes and if you're naive to these types, you may end up with a negative balance of your own self esteem and removed from the path towards your highest good.

The hook is the way The Fake Giver pretends, fawns over you, offers you a ride, likes one of your photos on Facebook, sends you flowers, helps you move, calls every day... These actions are trust points that weaken your defenses and leave you open as easy prey for the unscrupulous pretenders out there.

Just being generous is not enough to prove one to be a Fake Giver. It's hard to decipher who is real and who has an agenda to steal your mojo.

• Overly enamored with you early on in relationship - If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
• Gives and then pulls back - This is intermittent reinforcement. 
• Says things to get you to fall in love with them.
• Gives you products to entice you to purchase something.
• Pretends to be your friend, but has secret agenda.
• Makes offers to make themselves look good, while knowing that you would never accept.
• Buys you gifts or does selfless things for you without your reciprocation. (won't last)

Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful manipulative tactic that is used by The Fake Giver to gain control over his or her victim. They give, give, withdraw, give, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, give, withdraw. This process makes engaging with them more like a slot machine in Las Vegas than a human to human interaction. You never know what you're going to get. It's human nature to "protest" or turn toward those who turn away, especially when you're in a close relationship. That's how our attachment system is wired. This is the starting point of addiction--addiction to takers and other toxic types.

The Fake Giver uses your love, kindness, compassion, empathy and neediness against you. He or she hooks you with intermittent reinforcement and other manipulative techniques. Before you know it, you find yourself obsessed with gaining the attention of one of these selfish weasels. Learn to recognize the Fake Giver. Start by confronting the lies during the emotional abuse grooming process (early on) to prevent being taken off track.