Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Part 2: 100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

Part 1: Losing Yourself in Relationship

Losing yourself sucks. Believe me, I know. I've lost myself by following my own whims... Finding yourself is much better. Once you do find yourself, make sure you never again do these things:

100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship
  1. Idealizing your partner and thinking of him/her all the time, ignoring yourself. 
  2. Trying to please your partner instead of standing your ground.
  3. Bending your identity to become what you think your partner wants.
  4. Letting hormones take over and letting your physical boundaries go too soon.
  5. Trusting too much in someone who has not proven to be trustworthy yet.
  6. Overlooking behavior that is abusive or unacceptable. 
  7. Thinking wishfully about a future that is yet to be determined. 
  8. Overthinking the relationship, making it the central concern of your life.
  9. Thinking that a relationship will be the cure for all your problems. 
  10. Allow him or her to manipulate you in any way.
  11. Ignoring your own feelings, thoughts and beliefs while focusing on his or hers.
  12. Fantasizing about how things could be instead of seeing what really is. 
  13. Believing the lie that another person can make you happy.
  14. Thinking too much about him or her, ignoring your own needs. 
  15. Not speaking your truth for fear of rejection from the one you supposedly love. 
  16. Failing to set boundaries with your lover which serve as markers for your identity. 
  17. Willingness to go with the flow, ignoring your inner truth just to keep the peace. 
  18. Allowing yourself to believe that this person is your world.
  19. Failing to keep your own interests intact. 
  20. Stop communicating with your friends.
  21. Playing up all your shortcomings while pumping up that of the one you "love." 
  22. Being afraid to make your partner angry for fear he or she will leave you. 
  23. Not standing up for yourself. 
  24. Needing approval from outside yourself.
  25. Trying to get needs met by your partner that should have been met in childhood. 
  26. Playing games with your partner by, playing the victim, persecutor or rescuer. 
  27. Getting overly emotionally involved with your partner, not leaving anything left for you.
  28. Competing with other people in your partners life, including exes. 
  29. Changing for your partner.
  30. Trying to change your partner. 
  31. Trying to fix your partner. 
  32. Trying to control your partner--attempting to make him or her love you. 
  33. Holding on when you should be letting go.
  34. Failing to detach as the natural ebb and flow of a healthy relationship requires.
  35. Clinging onto your partner, following his or her every action. 
  36. Being afraid you will lose your partner. 
  37. Allowing yourself to become obsessed with the object of your affection.
  38. Seeking your worth from the one that you love. 
  39. Disengaging from your usual interests.
  40. Doing every single thing together.
  41. Spending every waking moment together. 
  42. Sacrificing your values in order to stay in relationship. 
  43. Being afraid to share your needs and wants. 
  44. Not setting limits on the behavior or your love. 
  45. Allowing your partner to abuse you without consequences. 
  46. Being desperate. 
  47. Thinking that you don't deserve this person.
  48. Not loving yourself enough to stay strong, grounded and connected inside--to yourself. 
  49. Avoiding topics of dissension with your partner, even those that are important to you. 
  50. Expecting your partner to do all the thinking. 
  51. Quitting your job and becoming financially dependent on your partner. 
  52. Filling up your emptiness with your partner instead of learning from your own pain. 
  53. Compromising your principals in order to make your partner happy.
  54. Enabling your partner to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, etc...
  55. Question everything you do. Ruminate about your so-called "mistakes."
  56. Going along with whatever he or she says, even when you disagree.
  57. Allowing your partner to tell you how you should feel, be or act. 
  58. Tolerating useless criticism or rants that are hurtful to you. 
  59. Ignoring rude behavior. 
  60. Forgetting the things you used to love to do.
  61. Thinking if you could just love that person enough, he would see that you are perfect. 
  62. Thinking he or she has just never been loved, once they get a bit of your love, all is well. 
  63. You make excuses for his or her bad attributes. 
  64. You're dating a bad boy.
  65. He's married.
  66. You settled.
  67. He/she keeps you sober. 
  68. Keep on wanting him after he/she rejects you.
  69. Keep thinking he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you in your life. 
  70. Try to hide your flaws and appear perfect all the time. 
  71. Beat yourself up (self talk) for always saying the wrong thing. 
  72. Avoid expressing your dissenting opinion. 
  73. Be afraid of them rejecting you and leaving you if you show your true self. 
  74. Fear rejection. 
  75. Hide your true self. 
  76. Spend inordinate amounts of time scheming about how to get him to do something. 
  77. Make every single waking thought about you involve him somehow. 
  78. Try to relive the fantasy of receiving the unconditional love you never got. 
  79. See his / her potential rather than their right here and now. 
  80. Ignore red flags.
  81. Always take the blame. 
  82. Idolize him or her as if they are way above you.
  83. Lie down and be a doormat. 
  84. Let your world surround around his or her texts, voice mails or phone calls.
  85. Make yourself 150% available at all times. 
  86. Never disagree with him or make him mad. 
  87. Spend time figuring out ways to be of value to his life. 
  88. Stop thinking about what matters to you and start worrying about what he/she wants. 
  89. Take him back no matter how many times he/she rejects you.
  90. Beg him or her to stay.
  91. Ask for nothing for yourself.
  92. Give everything you've got. 
  93. Have sex without commitment. 
  94. Think that you're the lesser sex. 
  95. Stop wearing red lipstick because he doesn't like it.
  96. Cook, clean and do his laundry. 
  97. Pretend you're smiling when inside you're dying. 
  98. Ask him/her to tell you what you want. 
  99. Fail to set limits.
  100. Beat yourself up instead of taking your own side.
Society, our culture and our upbringing teaches us to be dependent upon a lover, as if we are nothing without someone else beside us. The truth is, you are nothing if you think you are nothing and that is it. We've been taught wrong. It is unhealthy to think that another person completes you. This mindset will lead you to the gutter of codependency and wicked badness. Don't go there. Learn to be a whole person first. Hold your own. Love yourself.  Rock the world. XO

No matter what, your relationship 
should always expand your life, not shrink it.

Lisa Firestone, PhD

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