What you feel, how you feel and the expression of your feelings are important. In any relationship, you need room to express who you are, which includes how you feel, at any given time. There are people in the world who respect your feelings, and there are people in this world who do not. There are people in this world who care about how their actions affect you, and there are those who are oblivious to how their actions or inaction may affect another person. Your goal in life should be to stay away from the latter type--stay away from those who do not recognize your unique identity and who do not make room for, and respect, and try not to step on, your feelings.
Relationships are all about two people interacting and engaging with one another. If one person in the relationship has bad feelings, but is afraid to acknowledge it, or afraid of speaking up for fear of rejection of the other party, then this is a HUGE problem. Not speaking up when you're hurt is the equivalent of disappearing, pretending to be invisible--all in effort to win the love of a person who you're afraid won't love you as you are. Why fish in these treacherous waters? Love, respect and security is right at your front door. There are many out there who care about you. Stick closely with those who care and give you room to feel.
People who don't care about you or your feelings are very good at manipulating you into believing that your feelings are the problem, not their lack of consideration. It is common for abusive personalities to place blame on others rather than taking responsibility for their own issues. If an abusive person disrespects you and you have a negative reaction, this avoidant type will blame your negative reaction rather than taking responsibility for his or her disrespect. Be aware, this is out there.
Your feelings are NOT THE PROBLEM. If someone does something to you that hurts, whether intentional or not, and you share that your feelings are hurt, a person with a healthy heart will allow you to express yourself openly, will hear you, and will, if possible, try to compromise for a solution to end your grievance. Healthy people seek win/win solutions that benefit everyone. Healthy people are not threatened by your feelings.
Negative, closed, emotionally immature people are more interested in power and control. They want to win at all costs. You winning in any way belittles them. You winning is not on their agenda. They just want to beat you, and come out right. These people are WRONG. Detach immediately.
You can determine the value of a relationship with another person by the way they respond to your feelings of any kind. If someone does not respond nicely when you express feelings of joy, or fails to respond at all, then you know that this person is not someone who can safely be by your side. They may have issues that make them envious because they don't believe in themselves. If they're envious of your peace and happiness, they will tear you down or withdraw from you when you're winning at life.
If someone does not want to hear, respond to or make room to your feelings of hurt, pain or displeasure, then it could mean that the person is not interested in your feelings at all. This person may want to treat you however and expect you to suck-it-up and pretend you're happy. Such a person is not interested in seeing you as a real person at all. He or she is only interested in you insomuch as you meet their needs, but as far as you are concerned, hang it up. You are nothing. This person will abuse you, use you and run over you. If you feel the need to express that what they are doing to you hurts, they will blame your feelings for their actions. It happens everyday, folks.
A truly caring, giving, open and healing relationship starts with two people who are empathetic to one another and willing to share power. Each party must not be insecure to the extent that they cannot allow another to be right. Each party must be emotionally capable of compromise, and able to admit their mistakes without blaming someone else (including you). A great relationship starts with two mature individuals who are empathetic to one another, and who have insight into their own issues, so that they can admit their faults and humble themselves appropriately. They must also be able to trust each other, and care enough to allow each other the full expression of their feelings.
A great litmus test into the heart of those you wish to connect with in a deeper way is to find out how they regard your feelings. Do your feelings offend them? Then they are looking at you as an extension of themselves. Do your feelings cause them to blame you for having such feelings? Then they are in denial of how their own behavior affects those around you, and have narcissistic tendencies. Are they dismissive of your feelings? They could be covered in so much toxic shame that they can't see where you end and they begin.
Do they stop, listen and respond to your feelings? This is a VERY GOOD SIGN. When you are hurt by the actions of another and you speak up about it, how the other person handles what you're saying is paramount. It gives you a vast amount of information as to whether this person can handle being in a healthy relationship. A healthy person will be concerned about your hurt. This may feel strange to someone who has been raised in an environment of invalidation. However, learn this whenever you can, no matter what the cost. A healthy person will care and he or she will do what they can to remedy the situation. That's just the human way.
You may not like the offer-in-compromise, but at least they're trying. You know you're involved with an unhealthy person when they refuse to acknowledge your hurt, or your right to be hurt, or their culpability in the hurt, and instead blame you for your hurt and continue to assert their correctness in the situation all the while. This is the sign of an extremely insecure person who is emotionally immature and incapable of caring for you like you need. You can't change this person, just walk away.
If you are attracted to people who are devaluing to your person or your feelings, or anything about you, it is a sign that you yourself are not fully valuing who you are. We attract who we are. Let any such relationship serve as a sign post in the journey to fully loving yourself. Realize that you need to accept yourself, love who you are, and respect YOUR OWN FEELINGS. Once you love who you are, respect who you are, and know who you are 100%, you will attract people who respect you too into your life. Those who disrespect your feelings will become less and less attractive when you know who you are and respect your own truth.
The End.
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