One of the big wake-up calls I had was about the concept of INVALIDATION. I never understood it before, but I found, as I started coming out of "the fog" in my early 40s--I found that I was being severely invalidated by my own self and others. This invalidation caused a bulk of my emotional pain. I was not on my own side, and I didn't realize that people I thought loved me were actually invalidating me all around.
Invalidation is the process of telling someone
that how they're feeling is NOT OKAY. Invalidation is psychological
abuse. Our feelings are our feelings are our feelings. Feelings are
neither good or bad, right or wrong. When you do not support how a
loved-one feels, you are putting toxic shame on them and causing them to
feel shame for being who they are.
As a child I felt shame for
my feelings. I was shamed for having feelings and needs. I was told not
to cry, or I would be given something to cry about. I was told that I
was wrong to be afraid of a train that was coming towards our car as my
step-father sped up to cross the tracks before it hit us. I was yelled
at for screaming when I saw a fire on the stove in the kitchen.
Everywhere I turned, I was made to feel bad for how I felt. This means, I
was made to feel toxic shame for who I was.
What you feel is
what you are. No feelings are bad. If you feel uncomfortable, that is
okay. No one should be telling you it is not okay to feel exactly how
you feel at any given moment.
As a child, when you are
invalidated, it has disastrous consequences. It causes you to feel shame
for being, for feeling and for existing. This bad feeling causes you to
lose touch with your true self, your own intuition and guiding force,
because you are taught that your truth is wrong and something to hide in
shame. Invalidation literally keeps you from yourself, from your truth.
It makes you abandon yourself in every sense of the word and build a
FALSE SELF to please those around you. You lose track of who you are.
The only alternative to being invalidated is confusion, extreme pain and addiction to soothe the inner-ache.
Invalidation happens in mini-increments every day according to how
healthy you are. If you are healthy, you can CATCH INVALIDATION and
correct it for your own benefit. If someone tells you, or implies that
how you feel is not good, then you must stand up for your true feelings
and have a voice and set boundaries.
Invalidation is a primary
tool of the narcissist to keep their victims off balance and second
guessing themselves. An invalidated person who has been conditioned to
invalidate themselves is a perfect victim as they are easily controlled,
manipulated and exploited. The invalidated person has no idea who they
are!!! They don't know how they feel because they disconnected from
their true feelings as children.
Validating yourself in
adulthood through the healing process is essential for healing. A
healthy person is a validated person. You need help to feel validated. A
therapist is the best source, but you can also find validation in other
ways, such as this group, YouTube Videos, articles, books, etc... You
need gobs of validation to heal, and you need to learn to correct
invalidation that comes your way.
If you are unfamiliar with the
concept of invalidation, I urge you to learn more about it. I have articles about invalidation on this blog.
INVALIDATION is the cause of perpetual rewounding. There is so much I
could say... but that's all the time I have. Reach for your healing,
every step is a masterpiece. heart emoticon Jenna
Great info on invalidation: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm