Thursday, March 10, 2016

Flattery + Invalidation = Manipulation + Control

It is possible for someone to BUILD YOU UP, yet invalidate your existence at the same time. This occurs when someone you trust, someone you turn to for inner security tells you,

"You're wonderful, you shouldn't feel that way"

"When I was your age I felt like this... or this... or this..."

"You're crazy!!! You've got the world at your fingertips!!! How could you be depressed???"

"You have such a beautiful smile, why are you frowning?"

"You have everything you want and need. Why are you sad?"

"He meant well, he didn't mean to hurt you. You shouldn't feel that way."

"You are successful and life is good to you, so you shouldn't feel angry towards your father."

"You are right. You have a bad dad, however, he is your father, you should go see him even though he makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Look how beautiful you are!!! Why are you feeling depressed and lonely?"

"You just don't want anybody in your life. That's why you're still single. If you wanted someone, you could be with anybody you want."

All of these covert manipulative tactics of an abusive person who is invalidating the truth, the existence of the victim. The victim feels built up on one hand, yet as though their feelings are invalid on the other. This is a double-bind, and the substance of a "trauma bond" with "intermittent reinforcement." Any time your feelings are invalid, YOU ARE INVALID. You must disagree and stand up to anyone who tries to tell you that how you feel in the moment is wrong. THEY ARE WRONG.

You need people who are strong enough to stand with you no matter what feelings manifest. You need people around you who give you freedom to be who you are without trying to change you so they feel more comfortable... and who are not trying to make a winner out of you so they can get the credit.


1 comment:

  1. I understand all of the examples except for the last one. Jenna, can you please explain to me why that's invalidation? I'm just trying to understand. Great article, I totally didn't know the things people say to me all the time are invalidations.