Sunday, June 5, 2016

See the Behavior, Not the Excuses

Those of us who may have once had difficulty loving ourselves, raised by narcissists, are dependent on the opinions of others, and are people pleasers who feel the need to gain outside approval have a tendency to let abusive people off the hook too easily. We do this by our own internal thought processes. We make the abuser okay. We make the manipulative person okay. We make the narcissist okay to ourselves by making excuses for their behavior rather than seeing the behavior for what it is and taking care of our own interests.

I did a video on "Making Excuses for the Abuser" a week or so ago. This is a follow-up to that video.

Here is a list of examples:

Linda was rude to me the other night, barking orders at me and not letting me finish a sentence because she's a very intense person and she'd had 2 glasses of wine and all her friends around, so she was excited.

Behavior: Linda was rude to me the other night.


Mark started yelling at me the other night while we were cuddling because he has issues. His mother abandoned him as a child and his ex-wife cheated on him. 

Behavior: Mark started yelling at me the other night for no reason.


Kendra stood me up on my birthday because her phone was broken and she had to work late.

Behavior: Kendra stood me up on my birthday.


Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with, because she's jealous that she doesn't have a date.

Behavior: Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with


My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor, because I am not a neat person and he is.

Behavior: My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor.


My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight because that is the only time that is convenient for her.

 Behavior: My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight


My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused when I was a little girl because she was so young.

Behavior: My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused.

The reason why a person offends you, harms you, manipulates or abuses you does not have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for other people and the reasons why they do what they do to you. You are only responsible to yourself for what you allow other people to do to you. If you are mistreated, it is your responsibility to set boundaries and limits to keep yourself safe and intact.

When you consider the reasons why someone does something and and place more value on the excuse than on the crappy behavior, you are giving too much to the other person and abandoning yourself. There are a few phrases to describe this behavior:
  • Over Giving
  • Codependency
  • Over empathizing
  • People Pleasing
  • Approval Junky
  • Doormat 
  • Self Abandonment  
  • Care Taking
There is no excuse to justify actions that are harmful to your being. You cannot get out of responsibility to protect yourself. You cannot rightfully take care of someone else at your own expense; if you do, you will end up harming yourself in the process.

It is your job, your right, your responsibility to take care of YOU and to make sure that the people in your life are respectful to you. If a person refuses to respect your boundaries and continues poor treatment and you continue to allow it without taking up for yourself or leaving, then things can only get worse. Your self esteem dies a little more each time you make other people's needs more important than your own.

In a perfect world everyone is out for everyone else. Everyone has empathy. Everyone is selfless and not out for themselves. In a perfect world, it would be okay to put others ahead of yourself. But this is not a perfect world! We live in a world where there are a lot of disordered people who want to manipulate you, deceive you, control you and gain the upper-hand in relationship with you. This is why it's crucial that you take care of yourself. This is why you must defend your identity by defending your right to be treated with respect at all times.

If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself whenever someone has a good excuse for mistreating you, then that is misplaced guilt. That means you are out-of-your own business. That means you are care taking another grown adult and colluding with that person to treat yourself disrespectfully. Why not feel guilty for allowing YOURSELF to be mistreated? Why not feel guilty for not setting boundaries and for sticking around someone who annihilates your sense-of-self?

Look at the behavior without clouding the situation with the reasons why another person is doing what their doing. You are not responsible for other people. You are only responsible for you. Take a stand for yourself and require that other people treat you with respect, or else. You can't give yourself away any more. It hurts too much.

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