Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Narcissists Won't Take Your Side
Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.
Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.
They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you.
It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.
The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.
This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.
The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.
It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.
These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.
This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.
Screw that!
Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways
- They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
- May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
- Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
- Plays dumb.
- Ignores you.
- Becomes distracted.
- Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
- Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
- Stonewalls.
- Changes the subject.
- Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
- Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
- Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
- Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination.
- Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past.
- Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with.
Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.
Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.
Covert Messages in the Lack of Support
It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:
- I don't support you.
- I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
- I believe you are wrong.
- I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
- I am superior to you.
- What you think is wrong.
- What you feel is wrong.
- Other people are superior to you.
- People you argue with are more right than you are.
- You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
- You don't know how to feel.
- I know how you should feel.
- You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
- I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present.
- I don't believe in you.
- You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
- You can't count on me for support.
- You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
- You are to blame for the argument.
As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side. This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.
Validation is on Your Side
You deserve validation!!!
- 1st you deserve validation from yourself.
- 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
- 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
- 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation.
- 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
- 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.
When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.
Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Women Who Love Too Much
"... it's important to understand, however, that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy--the inability to talk about the problems--rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.
A dysfunctional family is one in which members play rigid roles and in which communication is severely restricted to statements that fit these roles. Members are not free to express full range of experience, wants, needs, and feelings, but rather must limit themselves to playing that part which accommodates those played by other family members... In dysfunctional families, major aspects of reality are denied, and roles remain rigid.
When no one can discuss what affects every family member individually as well as the family as a whole--indeed, when such discussion is forbidden implicitly (the subject is changed) or explicitly ("We don't talk about those things!")--we learn not to believe in our own perceptions or feelings. Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it, too. And this severely impairs the development of our basic tools for living life and for relating to people and situations. It is this basic impairment that operates in women who love too much.
We become unable to discern when someone or something is not good for us. The situations and people that others would naturally avoid as dangerous, uncomfortable, or unwholesome do not repel us, because we have no way of evaluating them realistically or self-protectively. We do not trust our feelings, or use them to guide us. Instead, we are actually drawn to the very dangers, intrigues, dramas, and challenges that others with healthier and more balanced backgrounds would naturally eschew.
And through this attraction we are further damaged, because much of what we are attracted to is a replication of what we lived with growing up. We get hurt all over again.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Codependence
Admitting that you're codependent is the first step to healing. Owning up to your part in the drama triangle is required for healing. Blaming other people for your responses and reactions is the pathway to bondage. You have to stand up and own your own reactions and admit that you are part of the codependent dance... and also that your thinking patterns are codependent in that you try to get your worth externally.
Just like a narc is always a narc, a codependent is always a codependent, until he or she gets healing. The narc is harder to heal because they don't admit they have a problem. The codependent who refuses to come out of denial is also on a rough road to healing. Recovery is about facing reality. You can only heal by letting down your defenses, facing the truth and seeing your own problem--and taking action to improve your own responses, behaviors, thought patterns and relationship choices.
Codependence is about trying to get your worth externally. See this article 100 Traits of the Codependent.
Monday, April 20, 2015
A Good Person vs. A Narcissist
A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.
The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:
- Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
- Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
- Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.
Self Abandonment
The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.
Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."
So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.
A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.
- Real people are NOT PERFECT.
- Real people will show weakness.
- Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
- Real people may seem weak.
- Real people share real feelings.
- Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first.
- Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
- Real people may be a little nervous and rickety.
- Real people are terrible at playing games.
Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.
Good luck!
JLR
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Law of Attraction for Recovery
"I see a clear vision of my healed self. I call it the Vortex. Abraham Hicks. Law of Attraction has had a huge impact on my recovery. Lists of positive aspects. Gratitude. Getting in touch with your desires and needs. Getting into the “feeling” place of what is wanted. HUGE. I now know I can have anything I want, and that my life is a manifestation of what is inside. That I am the creator of my reality. My feelings about things fuel my world and create what happens to me. If you can believe it, you can achieve it. If you’re not achieving it, it means you don’t believe it.
One must only focus on what is wanted, and allow abundance to flow. The resistance is the negative core beliefs–the wobble. Anything that is aligned with source is positive and good. When you feel negative emotion it is because you’re not aligned with source, in fact, this is a key indicator. Negative emotion is anti-source, anti-truth. For the truth is you are love and you are light. Unconditional love. And as child abuse survivors, our task is to remove the barriers to the truth that is within… If you don’t know where you’re going, you never get there… you are in default. Knowing what you want and getting into the vibrational match of it is the ultimate way to get out of the shell, in MHO."
Saturday, February 28, 2015
25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit
The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect
This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships. I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.Also, sign up to receive notifications for new posts in the column on the right.
This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.
A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.
A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.
Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.
One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.
2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.
4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.
5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.
6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.
7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.
8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.
9. I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!
11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.
12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.
13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.
14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.
15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.
16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...
17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.
18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic. I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.
19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response?
20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...
21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.
22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.
23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing.
24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.
25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.
BONUS 26:
Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me. Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.BONUS 27:
I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.
BONUS 28:
I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles. I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.
BONUS 29:
I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.
We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others. 
Thoughts?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Core Wounds
The core wound is experienced as deep-level pain due to some unmet childhood development need. This pain is triggered in current day situations when you encounter a similar situation or dynamic. It's the deep stuff that surfaces when you face difficult losses in life. It's the pain that is beneath the pain. The emotion that's fueling all emotions. It's the pain that drives one to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, shop or addictive relationships.
Core wounds include rejection, abandonment, betrayal, loss, injustice and the like. When our needs are not met as children, we experience the core wound and we experience toxic shame. We believe that because we were rejected or abandoned or that we lost a parent or a friend, that we are bad. We turn the external maltreatment internal and onto ourselves. The wound produces beliefs. These beliefs are what perpetuate the wound over and over and over until we die or the wound is healed.
People do anything to avoid their core wounds. Core wounds are the lie that says:
"You're not good enough."
"You're incompetent."
"Nobody loves you."
"You are worthless."
These voices in both your subconscious and conscious mind repeat over and over in myriad ways throughout your life unless they are healed. You will find yourself getting into scenarios again and again that prove your false beliefs to be true. Your core wounds are the fuel for false beliefs.
Healing the core wounds takes a lot of devastating work; much personal destruction and rebuilding. It is a painful process, but in the healing you find pieces of yourself you didn't know you needed. In the center of the core wound you find the parts of yourself that you needed in order to discontinue the wounding. These parts of you are frozen, blocked in a centrifuge of pain, shame, anger, rage, humiliation, rejection and self-hatred. This wound perpetuates itself like a cancer through your body, heart, soul and mind. This wound effects your perceptions, feelings, behaviors and life. The thing you need to protect you against this core wounding is located at the very center of the pain. The key to setting you free is found at the center of the wound. If you want healing, you have to go into the eye of the storm.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Your True Self Knows the Truth
This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Invalidation
INVALIDATION
is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth
was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by
validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received
while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm
Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse
Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse
This article contains my research on Invalidation
"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock,
tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an
attempt to control how they feel and for how long they
feel it."
Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult.
All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person.
One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:
(a) how much they respect youAll of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you
Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)
We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:
- We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
- We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
- We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
- We are ignored
- We are judged
- We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel
Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
A
person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a
healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a
healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another
person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a
sensitive child.
___
Validating / Invalidating - Great article
"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it. Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object."
They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
___
Validating / Invalidating - Great article
"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it. Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object."
They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.
"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."
"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."
Addressing Invalidation with CBT
Thursday, May 22, 2014
How to Find Your Core Truth
My Answer: Your core truth is the core of who you are. It is that part of you that no one can ever take away. Your truth is beneath your wounds, your false beliefs, your codependency, your symptoms. It is the truth of who you are, connected with the source of life, your higher power. Your truth is all knowing. Inside your heart you hold the answers to everything you need to function. Your core truth is pure love, pure joy, pure bliss.
This truth can be hidden, but it cannot be destroyed. This is the hope of recovery, to find this truth buried on the inside of you, beneath the pain, the maladaption, the addictions and mental illness. The goal of healing is to find this truth in all its forms and manifestations and to live from it, rather than attaching to outside sources or from your wounded layers.
Those of us who suffer from codependency have not been taught to access our truth. We were taught to hide our truth, that our truth is nonexistent, that our cognitions and view of reality is wrong. We were invalidated. We were taught to mistrust ourselves and to give our power over to our caretakers (who were likely taught the same faulty way).
You can find your truth by being aware that you have a truth, and trusting that you do have truth inside of you. Your True Self. You may need a therapist to help you figure this part out, that is, how you feel, what you believe and whether your feelings are based in now or are pent-up emotions that are frozen inside.
When I did this process, that of unfolding my true self, it was one of the most magical part of my healing. I could literally picture my true self buried in the treasure chest of my heart, beneath the pain, anger, hurt and confusion. I pictured the real me banging on the sides of the box that held me down. I imagined myself unfolding and coming to life... which means, expressing and feeling my authentic truth for the first time.
It is an ongoing endeavor to locate your truth when you've gone through the things we've gone through. I learn new parts of myself every day that I never realized I had. Your truth holds things that you need to function appropriately in all facets of life. When you release bits of your truth from the captivity of hiding, suddenly you find that you're able to function in areas that you never could before.
As you go beyond your initial awakening and move into proper functioning you encounter lots of bleeps along the way. I now know that any issues or difficulties I'm having stems from my disconnection from my own truth. Lately I'm learning (through mindfulness) to listen to the voice inside myself. Not only to listen, but to HEED, validate and honor my gut instincts.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
The Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment is a form of ignoring that people do to manipulate others into giving them what they want or doing what they want. It is a covert form of psychological and emotional abuse that is passive aggressive and leaves no mess for the perpetrator. When a person uses the Silent Treatment on you, it causes you to lose your self esteem. If you find yourself reaching out to a friend, lover, parent, boss or anyone who ignores you or who withdraws from you chronically, you may be experiencing the abuse of the Silent Treatment.
Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.
This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."
The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want
This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"
How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.
Giving the silent treatment.
Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.
This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."
The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want
This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"
How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.
Giving the silent treatment.
“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)The abusive parent will withhold attention and affection until the child caves in and apologizes for whatever the abuser perceived as a slight or insult. Through a series of silent treatments, the abused child will learn to be silent, to be docile, to never speak against the parent—because if the child does, he will not be loved or spoken to or even acknowledged as a human being.
Eckhart Tolle: Addiction
"Every
addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through
your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.
Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or
illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to
cover up your pain."
- Eckhart Tolle
- Eckhart Tolle
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Things Narcissists Do Tweet Recap
A Narcissist is someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This means that they are exploitative and can hurt you psychologically and emotionally if you get to close to them. People who take selfies may have narcissistic traits, but that does not make them narcissists, nor does it mean they have the disorder. Everyone has a measure of narcissism--that's healthy. It's the disordered individuals who have too much that we need to worry about.
There is the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then there is the malignant Narcissist that is completely sadistic. The worse type of person on this continuum is the psychopath and sociopath. The one thing that all these disordered people have in common is lack of empathy, and the way they use people as objects for narcissistic supply.
ThingsNarcissistsDo: No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. [tweet this]
ThingsNarcissistsDo: Abuse you covertly by bringing up things subtly in conversation to make you doubt yourself. [tweet this]
If caught red handed in a lie, will say, "I never said that!" This is an abuse tactic called "Gas Lighting."
Abuse you, then accuse you of being the abuser. This makes you question your own experience of reality.
Refuses to take responsibility for behavior, mistakes or how he/she hurts you. Blames you for being hurt.
"Their entire focus is to convince everyone around them of their superiority in every aspect of life."
Mimics your personality until you're trapped, ie: you have kids, you're partners... then shows true self.
Uses introjection (mimcry) to ensnare his/her victim and trap into cycle of abuse.
Believes his time more valuable than others.
Hangs around the biggest celebrity or person with highest social status at the party.
Appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.
"Acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time." Sam Vadkin
Refuses to deal with issues; projects & blames others instead, starting with 3 yr olds.
Just because someone takes "selfies," does not make them a narcissist. Only those who have no empathy & suck ur blood.
Will get revenge on you, so watch out!
Cover their asses by being amazing and saintly in order to gain your trust and get control of your heart.
Agree with you when you're sad and putting yourself down.
Rub it in with salt.
Are more interested in how they look to others than long term things like quality relationships.
Drop you like a hot potato once you're hooked on them.
Be amazing to you the whole time-super amazing--then when you're neck is on the guillotine, they pull the cord & laugh.
Give you everything but the one thing you need from them in order to keep you waiting and dependent.
Make promises, imply promises but never deliver.
Will often times profess to be a Christian because they love to be things that seem innocent, sweet and good.
If the child wants grilled cheese for lunch, they will say NO, you're having a hot dog.
Puts condition on their love and acceptance.
Goes after successful people who have a big heart, but also a weak area or insecurity that makes them vulnerable.
Makes one of their children into a GOD, but still sucks the emotions, energy and blood out of that child.
Puts their daughters in beauty pageants.
Requires those who want their acceptance to feel only as they say they can feel.
Cannot see people as individuals with equal rights and their own feelings.
Has grandiose fantasies of amazing relationships & marvelous accomplishments that never existed.
Does not allow their children to have thoughts, ideas and/or feelings of their own.
Complains that their 5 year old has "behavioral problems." (Yeah, right... they've got a blood-sucking parent!!!)
Requires that you never criticize or disagree with them. If you cross them, you're toilet paper.
Raises children who are codependent, needy and unaware of their own feelings.
Pushes your buttons, then make you feel guilty for losing your composure.
Plays favorites among their children.
Competes with their daughter or son.
Is incapable of empathizing with another person, thereby easily abusing without a conscience.
Is excellent at getting people to think he/she can do no wrong while casting shadows on the one she's threatened by.
Preys on weak people with low self esteem who are in desperate need of love--then takes advantage of that neediness.
Treats one of their children worse than all the others. Projects their own ugliness on this poor outcast child.
Treats one of their children as if they are GOD. Pampers one child and treats the rest like dog shit.
Comes back around to suck you back in once you've gotten on with your life.
Makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world, then when you're all-in, dumps you cold.
Abuses their children severely.
Mimics you to flatter you in order to gain your trust and use you.
Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
Does things to make you go nuts, then when you lose your cool, makes it look like you're the crazy one.
Refuse to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
Play psychological games. Tactics such as withholding, ie: not returning phone calls, being intermittently available.
Create triangles. Abuse you by proxy through a third party. This is Sadistic, Malignant SOB
Perfectionistic.
Treat they're children like their worthy only for their accomplishments.
Hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power.
Name drop in social settings, try to impress you about their friends for no other reason than to impress you.
Feel necessary to get as many acronyms behind their name as possible to give the illusion of power.
Brag about their abilities without commensurate accomplishments.
The worst thing is thinking the best in someone, starting to trust the are real and then--FANGS, devaluation
"Men promised her the world and secretly expected it from her." Élan Golomb, PhD
Carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding .
A narcissist will try to associate with people in prominent positions to siphon power.
Hanging outta the passengers side of his best friends' ride trying to hollar at me.
A narcissist doesn't talk about narcissism. He/She usually is too self-involved to see it in others.
A narcissist will treat you like you are royalty until he/she no longer needs you... Then you become used toilet paper.
Narcissists LIE, LIE, LIE.
The American Government is filled to the brim with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Every day you encounter narcissists. They are the ones who hurt you & make you sad.
Narcissists are everywhere. They may look great, they may look humble. They all will hurt you if you let them close.
One way to test to see if a person is a narcissist--Do they consider your feelings?
Narcissists create triangles, stir dissension & cause conflict to distract & gain power.
Narcissist have no empathy. They don't care about your feelings, AT ALL. Only their own.
A narcissist is like a zombie who doesn't care & doesn't love. It just wants to consume your emotional goodies.
#1 way to know you're dealing with a narcissist is the disregard of your feelings. A real human can't do that.
You know a Narcissist by #1 how they can't accept your feelings.
Not all narcissists are like Obama. Some are more like Mother Theresa.
The Narcissist cannot give unless he/she is trying to manipulate you to gain your trust.
A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them.
A narcissist will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
If you want to get rid of a narcissist, just tell him/her what you need.
A narcissist will project their doo doo on you and hate you for it.
A narcissist will drop you the moment you assert a need.
CANNOT GIVE, unless they're doing it to manipulate you into trusting them so they can gain power over you.
Play mind-games. Call you every day for a week, then stop calling--makes you think you did something wrong.
Always wanting to get you off track & onto their agenda. Use psychological games to gain power over you.
They do not love, they only ENVY.
Act like you're the greatest thing in the world until you believe them; then drop you like you're trailer trash.
No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does.
Devalue you. Get close to you, act like they care, then leave you standing in the cold.
Surrounds themselves with a circle of fawns who praise their every deed.
Suddenly disappear, change the subject or get grumpy when you assert a need of your own.
Will only be charming, nice, considerate when you have something they want.
Will not own up to mistakes. Blames someone else.
Secretly enjoy seeing you in emotional pain and confusion. #ThingsNarcissistsDo
Get self esteem by diminishing yours. #ThingsNarcissistsDo
Avoid you when you do something praise-worthy. #ThingsNarcissistsDo
Withdraw as a way to maintain the power in the relationship. #ThingsNarcissistsDo
Act like the perfect mother, father or family in public, then behind closed doors rage and abuse their children.
More concerned about power and control than equal relating and meaningful connection.
Surround themselves with people who will fawn over them, like who they like, hate who they hate.
Play dumb. Pretend they don't know how to function in life so that you can help them suck the blood out of you.
Create triangles. Pit friends against each other.
Seem really cool from afar, but get up close and find that they are empty and souless as a Barbie Doll.
Actually believe cheap flattery. They're very easy to control with flattery that a normal person would recognize.
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