The Abandoned Baby Racoon

I rescued a baby racoon today. I was running around the lake prepping for a triathlon near my home in Dallas and there it was. A riveting baby racoon. An abandoned, alone, terrified, petrified, hungry, desperate baby racoon was there in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I videoed it to get advice from my Facebook friends. I was empathetic, yet scared of this wild animal. Why? I don't know. That's not my point.

Anyway, the point I want to make in this post is that this is a baby. All alone in a scary world. All it has is its cute face and adorable noises to get by and survive. I could have been anyone. I could have been a predator. This baby was wide open for harm. No one was there to protect it. It had no shelter. It had no adult racoon by its side. It had no dignity.

All this baby knew is that it needed me. It needed me and it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I'm not a racoon. It didn't matter that I can't raise it and teach it what it needs. It didn't matter. This baby needed love and protection. It came to me, not like a wild animal trained in the wild, but like a breath of life, in need of love and protection. It didn't do anything to deserve to be abandoned.

I was on foot with 4 miles left to go to reach my car. I was in no condition to care for a suckling racoon. I was flabbergasted and aghast by the way people were glancing at it and passing it by. I made some noise. I made a big deal, and finally some cyclists with heart stopped.

The one cyclist who helped the most wasn't afraid of the animal. The baby ran to him as he sat on the ground. He says the baby was looking for milk. He had knowledge of the age by the tongue. He seemed knowledgeable, he was taking control, he was calling help, so I left. I had no power to do anything. The baby was being cared for, that's all that mattered to me.

I was a voice for that baby all alone on the trail. I did my job, and my spirit tells me that baby is more than safe now, even though I don't know how things turned out.

The point of this post is the desperation of this baby racoon. How vulnerable and needy it was. How it needs protection. How it needs love. How this wild animal will come to anything for shelter.

This leaves my heart broken. That this baby racoon will have no mother. Will not get to experience the life it is supposed to live. And here we are on Mother's Day, and I find a baby with no mother.

Profound. I know how this baby feels.

Here's the first video I took of the little baby today. Such a sweetheart. some cyclists ended up saving it. In the other video I put on my Facebook page you can hear I started talking baby talk and it started coming towards me. What an experience!

A post shared by Jenna Ryan (@thejennaryanshow) on May 13, 2017 at 3:23pm PDT

Developmental Dependency Needs

All humans have needs starting from the womb to the grave. If the core needs of a person are not met in childhood, that person will develop neurosis (codependency) or character disorders (narcissism).

These core needs must be met by an attuned caretaker. These core needs must be met externally because a child is not able to meet their own needs. They need help. If the caretaker is undeveloped or did not get their own core needs met in childhood, then that caretaker is ill-equipped to meet the needs of the child. This causes generational passing down of issues that often go unresolved. People with unmet childhood dependency needs are emotionally stunted at the age in which their needs were not met.

If any of your Developmental Dependency Needs were not met in childhood, you will experience a core  wound of toxic shame. Toxic shame becomes your identity which causes a profound level of emotional pain.

The damage caused by lack of nurture in childhood is similar to a bug in a computer program. It effects all other developmental milestones for the child. A child who receives inadequate care will grow into adulthood with arrested development, immature emotional and mental processing and crippling emotional pain that impacts every area of his life. The good news is that you can be healed of your neediness by dealing with the shame and taking care of yourself.

As an adult you can help yourself heal from the wounds caused by childhood neglect and abandonment. The first step is recognizing that you have needs that did not get met. The second step is to reparent yourself by meeting as many of those needs as an adult.

Here is a list of developmental dependency needs:

• The need to be mirrored for who you truly are by your primary care taker.
• The need to have a secure attachment bond with your primary care taker.
• The need to be soothed by your primary caretaker.
• The need to be answered by your primary caretaker if you cried out as a baby.
• The need to know that your primary caretaker will protect you and take care of you.
• The need for food, shelter, warmth and mothering. 
• The need for love, affection and food.
• The need for adequate feeding, watering, nourishing.
• The need for adequate cleaning.
• The need for maternal warmth.
• The need to feel wanted, included and as though you belong. 
• The need to be seen for who you truly are. 
• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be understood.
• The need for eye contact, expression of positive emotions by caretakers or loved ones
• The need for cuddling.
• The need for the fostering of emotional security. 
• The need to feel special, cherished, important.
• The need to feel competent, capable, powerful. 
• The need for acceptance.
• The need to feel safe.
• The need to feel loved.

 The meeting of these developmental dependency needs helps a child develop and form secure attachments with caregivers. If these basic needs were not met for you properly as a child, then you will have difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult. The relationship you have with your primary caregiver in infancy forms your working model for all future relationships in your life. If you didn't get your needs met as a child, you will not be able to get your needs met as an adult, unless you heal and learn to meet your own needs.

These needs are most basic to a person's identity. If left unmet, these needs become wounds that generate toxic thoughts and feelings and turn yourself against yourself. If these needs are unmet, they will result in negative core beliefs, also called "schemas" about the self which effects every area of the person's life including mental functioning, emotions, relationships, work, play and physical health.

These developmental needs can be met in therapy by a trained therapist. You can also meet your own biological and social needs that were unmet in childhood as an adult through reparenting techniques, meditation, self-soothing and self-talk. Your spouse or partner can also help to meet some of your unmet childhood dependency needs.

A person who suffered abuse in childhood or any kind of dysfunctional childhood will likely have needs that went unmet. This is a problem that affects every walk of life. There are many hurting people with wounded hearts that we speak to and interact with every day. The best thing we can do is get ourselves healed so that we can be a light for others. 

Sources used for this article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependency_need
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Ways to Abandon Yourself

What does it mean to abandon yourself? Many people who have issues with self love have a tendency to abandon themselves and give up who they are very easily. But what does that mean? You are you, so how can you abandon the person that you are? I thought it would be helpful to have a list to get started. In the coming months we will be delving into this theme continuously. It's time we bond and connect to our true selves and stop abandoning ourselves. We need to keep hold of who we are so we can live our best lives.

Ways to Abandon Yourself

• Ignoring your inner voice.
• Allowing opinions of others to change your mind and/or direction.
• Allowing actions of others to make you feel guilty or ashamed. 
• Denying or minimizing your feelings.
• Not paying attention to yourself, your needs, your health.
• Eating candy and junk when you're hungry for nutrients.
• Smoking, drinking or taking drugs.
• Not speaking up for yourself.
• Not standing up for yourself.
• Allowing your own defenses to block your progress.
• Using your energies toward anything not conducive to your highest good.
• Ignoring the cry of your heart to improve or change in any area.
• Disregarding your qualities.
• Judging yourself as less than another.
• Doubting yourself.
• Blaming yourself.
• Dissociating from reality.
• Denying your true feelings.
• Dimming your sparkle to make another comfortable.
• Putting up with disparaging treatment.
• Ignoring yourself. 
• Sabotaging your success.
• Focusing on the feelings, actions of another person.
• Trying to control the perceptions others have of you.
• Trying to prove yourself or win approval.
• Daydreaming too much; fantasizing.
• Being obsessive, compulsive or delusional.
• Being bombarded with excess shame.
• Having an external locus of control.
• Lacking in self care and self compassion.
• Lacking boundaries. 
• Chasing after someone who rejected you.
• Expecting the worst.
• Thinking the world is a bad place. 
• Having to be in control.
• Being perfectionistic.
• Beating yourself up for mistakes. 
• Negative thinking. 

How to Let Go of Fear of Abandonment

by K. Nola Mokeyane
 
The fear of abandonment is an insidious phenomenon that can create chaos and unhappiness for partners in romantic relationships. People with abandonment issues are often attracted to unavailable partners with whom they can't -- for one reason or another -- fall completely in love, says clinical psychologist and relationship psychoanalyst Frances Cohen Praver, writing for "Psychology Today." Praver believes that this pattern allows those affected by relationship abandonment issues to play it safe and not fully commit their feelings in a relationship for fear of getting hurt by the abandonment they so desperately want to avoid.

Forgive
One way for you to let go of your fear of abandonment is to practice forgiveness. Part of the reason you may be holding onto this fear is because you're holding on to anger, sadness and other difficult emotions related to abandonment you experienced in the past. If your mother or father abandoned you as a child, it's understandable to still feel hurt. What's not helpful is to assume that other people will make the same choices made by your parents or other significant people who've abandoned you. Mental health counselor Donna M. White, writing for "Psych Central," notes that " forgiveness . . . is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain and moving into a better and healthier place." Finding a way to forgive someone who's abandoned you gives you personal freedom and makes room for healthier romantic relationships.

Recognize Your Worth
If you experienced abandonment as a child, your mind may have deduced that if a parent left you, then friends, romantic partners and other significant people in your life are bound to leave you as well. If you took this loss personally and somehow felt responsible for your parent leaving you, then you may feel like your parent chose to leave because you weren't worthy enough for him or her to stay. Clearly, these deductions are fallacious. Human beings undergo complex psychological processes -- making all sorts of choices -- and children aren't responsible for a parent's choice to abandon them. If you believe that you're worthless, then all your actions will be in line with that belief, advises the Theravive website, created by a network of counselors and therapeutic clinics. You need to realize that you're not to blame for your parent's abandonment and see yourself as worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Redirect Negative Thoughts
It's important to redirect negative thoughts in order to let go of your fear of abandonment. If you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of your partner cheating on you, or if you're incredibly worried that she'll leave you one day, first recognize that your thoughts may be irrational, and then seek to entertain healthier ones. If you have strong reasons to believe your partner is cheating on you, then don't obsess about it -- ask him. If he says he's not cheating and you have no proof or red flags to support your suspicions, then it's time to move on. If these thoughts arise again, remind yourself that you've already resolved this issue with your partner and redirect your thinking to something more pleasant, such as good things about your relationship. You don't have to succumb to negative thinking -- you can simply observe negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to think of something that is more beneficial to you.

Seek Professional Help
If you find that your fear of abandonment is severe -- causing you serious distress in romantic relationships -- then you might benefit from seeking professional help. Therapy can assist you in a number of ways, including helping you identify the source of your fears, allowing you to see how fear of abandonment shows up in your patterns of behavior and offering viable solutions for managing this common fear. Sometimes simply talking to someone about thoughts and feelings that are deeply buried can provide you a release that enables you to think more clearly and make better relationship choices. Therapy is a useful tool that can assist you in letting go of your fear of abandonment permanently.

by K. Nola Mokeyane