Beware of Overly Nice People Who Try to Bust Your Boundaries

Differentiation & Healing from Attachment Trauma

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 

IT'S SUPER GOOD!!! 

"From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

Glossing Over Disrespect

When you are prone to entertaining narcissistic behavior in others, you are a people pleaser, a doormat, or any version of the same, you are probably used to glossing over disrespect in your close personal relationships. It comes with the territory.

GLOSSING OVER DISRESPECT

Here is an example of a typical narcissist / empath interaction:

STEP 1. Toxic disrespect. 

This is where the narcissist, codependent or otherwise toxic person disrespects your personal boundaries. The toxic encounter is one in which the toxic person tries to use you as an extension of themselves by doing things, displaying behavior that shows blatant disregard for your feelings, rights, limits and boundaries. Examples include:

• Criticizing you.
• Giving you unwarranted advice.
• Talking about a subject that is unpleasant in attempt to make you feel negative.
• When a friend or acquaintance reprimands your child in your presence.
• Your parent did something abusive to you repeatedly in childhood. 
• Any abusive behavior.
• Talks about a subject you do not wish to discuss.
• Continues behavior toward you that you have requested they stop doing.
• Tries to talk you into doing something you don't want to do.
• Talks behind your back.
• Talks down to you.
• Brags to you.
• Makes a promise repeatedly, then lets you down.
• Betrays you in any way.
• Brings up your private secrets in public.
• Makes a post on social media of a photo of you that you asked them not to post.  

STEP 2. You Get Upset / Hurt / Angry

The next part of this toxic interaction is when you get upset due to the actions and behaviors of the toxic person. You are upset because your boundaries have been violated. Your anger and disdain is warranted--that's what this emotion is for; to tell you when you are being crossed or hurt. 

STEP 3. You Set a Limit 

Next, you let the person know you are not okay with their behavior. You may ask them to stop. You may ask them to apologize, you may set a limit or a boundary. You let the toxic person know loudly and clearly that this behavior is intolerable. 

STEP 4. The Narcissist Stonewalls You

The toxic person doesn't want to discuss the issue! The toxic person does not want to hear anything you have to say. As far as the toxic person is concerned, YOU are wrong for being angry at them for hurting you. (See how twisted?!?!) The toxic person stonewalls you for daring to challenge their sense of entitlement. 

They feel entitled to act in a way that harms you--they feel entitled to commit personal fouls toward you. In the mind of a toxic person, you have zero rights.  Your only role in their life is to serve as a pleasing mirror, or a fawning doormat. Any reflection that you are individual, different or separate is unacceptable to the toxic person, narcissist or psychopath. 

You're just not allowed to have your own feelings. Your own feelings are so offensive to the toxic person, they feel abused when you are angry or hurt from their actions!

Some narcissists will covertly stonewall you--not letting you know they are doing it by still being available, or acting remorseful, but not actually feeling what they are portraying. This is a special kind of narcissist, that is of the most hidden type. 

STEP 5. You Try to Repair the Relationship 

Feeling fearful, obligated or guilty (FOG), you decide to make steps to re-engage with the abusive person. Maybe you are fearful you will never find a lover so good, or a friend so fun, or maybe you're afraid of living life without being close to your mother, father, extended family. Maybe you feel socially obligated to be a nice person, or maybe YOU actually believe the gaslighting of the narcissist and think that you are the actual problem...

Maybe you reacted so strongly, that you are blaming yourself for the entire ordeal. Maybe you are questioning your own rights to set limits. Maybe you had a conversation with another unhealed empathy and he or she told you to repair the relationship. Maybe you felt lonely, guilty, or just felt a void from the person missing in your life--so you take the first step to repair the relationship, or you accept the abuser's attempt to repair the relationship with you. After all, that's what friendship is all about! Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later...

STEP 6. You Don't Deal with the Original Issue

Now you move on, happy-go-lucky, but you never did resolve the original issue. You never came to terms with the narcissist about your right to exist, your right to matter, your right to have feelings, your right to set boundaries. 

As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is 100% okay to disrespect you. You never dealt with the issue. You never called them out directly after your first signal of anger--instead, you chose the higher road and chose to remain friends, or lovers, or family... 

You move on! You feel better! At least you have a friend. At least you have a lover. At least you have a family. Why not let "bygones be bygones?" After all, it is much better to be with a toxic person that to not be with anyone at all. Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later... 

STEP 7. You Have Signed An Unspoken Contract to Be Less Than 

When your emotions signal that a person is disrespecting you and you let them know, and they ignore you, and then you remain friends without getting square on the original issue that caused your negative emotion, and you do not stand up for yourself, you are signaling socially that you are an underling.

If you are an empath, you know in your heart that there is no true underling, and you will gladly do what it takes to serve and love and get along. However, to the narcissist, your agreement to be an underling puts you in a less than position. It states the following:

• You do not have the right to call-out the narcissist. 
• Your feelings do not matter.
• Your needs to be seen, heard and understood go out the window.
• You do not exist. 
• You must put-up or shut up. 

You may think things have moved on, but things will never be the same. Once the narcissist has put you in a headlock and you continue to go along with the relationship, you are officially a puppet. You have agreed to be less than.

You may not realize this is happening because you are playing by different rules than the narcissist. You may allow this to happen subconsciously. You may allow this to happen because you are unaware of the dynamics of healthy relationships. You may allow this to happen because you were taught to accept this behavior in relationship and don't know of any other way. Whatever the reason that you go into this unspoken contract, you are in it whenever you allow a person back into your life without dealing with your own personal discomfort that resulted from their unrepentant behavior. 

Results of the Process of Glossing Over Disrespect 

I think I'll stop this process at 7 because I really like the number 7, and I will continue with the topic of Glossing Over Disrespect with discussing what happens when you allow disrespect to be glossed over in your relationships. You become a pUpPeT. Here's what happens:

1. You become controlled by the person who is able to be one-up above you.
2. Your relationship is officially unequal. 
3. Your needs come second to the needs of the abusive person.  
4. Your future interactions with this person become one sided.
5. You no longer have an identity in the relationship.
6. You agree to become an extension of the abusive person.
7. You agree that it is okay for you to be hurt and disrespected. 
8. You stay in relationships that are abusive, toxic and unhealthy for you. 
9. You forfeit your rights in exchange for a relationship with someone who plays a superior role. 
10. You lose your voice, your right to say no or set boundaries. 

You may think you are better off allowing the abusive person back in your life. You may think life is better with this person rather than being alone, but what you don't realize, is that this toxic pattern is a lesson for you to learn. There are better ways of being and relating that do not require you to give up yourself and be a doormat. There are more effective ways of living on the planet with other humans than becoming a puppet who is controlled and externally validated. 

How You Become Controlled When You Gloss Over Disrespect

The narcissist dynamic is all about power and control--it is not about real love, authenticity, truth and respect. A toxic relationship is one in which you are controlled. When you fail to stand up for your rights and you continue to tango with an abusive person, you are giving up your power and control to this person and they are taking it. This is what is referred to as narcissistic supply. The narcissist loves empaths who are willing to give themselves up in response to their entitled demands.

If you can't stand up for yourself because you have an unspoken agreement with the narcissist that you don't exist, then you have given yourself over to the narcissist. If you don't exist, then you must ask the narcissist's permission to exist and are slowly whittled away into less than you ever thought possible.

Moral of this article? Stand up for yourself. Stay away from toxic people. When you learn how healthy relationships work and steer clear of toxic relationships, your life will be happier, and it will be worth the pain and loneliness of moving away from abuse. Good luck! 

Love Equals Respect

Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings... This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They're not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right. 

A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.

This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don't have #empathy.

If you come across a person like this it's better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment--toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That's #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019

#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu

How to Be Ignored In a Pseudo Conversation

Have you ever felt ignored by a friend, acquaintance or family member? Maybe they don't blatantly ignore you, but did you know--or realize--that there is a potential to be ignored even when someone is looking at you directly in the face and talking to you? YES! It is possible to be completely ignored, overlooked, avoided, even when you're sitting there talking with someone.

This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.

This can also be called "ear banging."

A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.

They only talk about themselves.

This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.

Does not ask follow-up questions.

This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.

Controls the conversation.

Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.

Attacking your statements. 

A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.

Affirms personal negativity.

Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.

Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.

We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.

Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...

• Talks only about themselves.
• Brags about themselves for long stretches of time. 
• Cuts you off when you bring something up about yourself.
• Diverts conversation back to themselves. 
• Encourages you to speak only when you say something negative or weak about yourself. 
• You can only get a word in when you are affirming them. 
• You feel like an audience to their life replay.
• Downplay your good news. 

Seek Out Conversations with People Who...

• Asking follow-up questions and listening to your answer.
• Talk about themselves, then listen to your reply and allow you to share about yourself.
• Talk back and forth with you.
• Allow for equal air time.
• Listen to your concerns.
• Seem genuine.
• Are happy for your success.
• Track your life occurrences that you share. 
• Remember details that you have shared.
• Validate you.
• Mirror your at the same level you mirror them. 

People who are not engaging with you in an equal manner are ignoring you. The reason they are ignoring you is because they think they are more important than you, and they don't think that you have the right to exist. They have no room in their mind for you, and thus cannot relate with you in a functional way. 

One Way vs. Two Way Conversations 

A one-way conversation is the type of conversation you have with a client. When you have a client, you are being paid to serve them. You listen to what they have to say without interjecting your own life experiences in order to give them what they've paid for--whether it be selling them a car, or coaching them on life. A client is paying you for your time, so listening to them in a one-way manner makes sense.

A two-way conversation is one where payment is made between the two people engaged in the conversation. As a part of the unspoken deal, when you are speaking with a functional person, your time, presence, affirmation is returned during the conversation itself (or among other conversations). Sometimes you may focus more on them, sometimes they may listen more to you--but at the end of the day, both parties are represented equally overall.

Don't Settle for Being Ignored

It is a core dependency need that each person has starting in childhood to be heard. It is vital that every person be heard and be seen and feel as though their thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions matter. When you are ignored as a child, you begin to feel invisible. 

You learn to accept being ignored in childhood. If your needs were ignored, if your authentic truth was ignored, then you will tolerate people who ignore you when you are an adult. You will not learn to have a "say" in relationships. The truth is, some people are incapable of relating with you; all they know is how to bulldoze you. They do not know how to intricately open space for you to be present, for you to express your truth, and for you to get your needs met. 

This means you may settle for people who cannot properly meet your adult needs in today's relationships. This is something you need to work on--to reprogram yourself and reparent yourself by listening to your need to be heard, and steering clear of relationships and conversations in which you are ignored--EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN THAT PERSON'S PRESENCE. 

Don't settle for that conversation!

Get up from the table when respect is not being served!

Go find people who have a seat for you!

Learn to be your true self around accepting others!

You deserve to be heard. 

Much love, 

Jenna 

No More Crumbs of Non-Emotional Relating - 2018 Relationship Resolutions!

• Not supporting emotional unavailability.
• No longer supporting others who are not supporting my inner world.
• No longer avoiding supporting the inner world of others. 
• No longer living invisible. 
• Not reading minds of those who are not revealing their truth. 
• No more making excuses for people who are emotionally unavailable.
• Not exploiting my own loyalty. 
• No more confusing pity for love. 
• No more proving my worth.
• No longer hanging onto you.

I AM LETTING GO!

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS

There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Jenna

How to Walk Away

I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.

I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?

Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.

You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna

An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.

If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it. 

Remember, You're the Prize

Feeding someone's ego can be a form of care taking. When someone baits you to make them feel like they're more valuable than you, or that you are less than them--and when you take the bait and react--this can be a form of care taking. It may feel like the easiest route, but quite covertly, submitting to the agreement that someone else is worth idealization, awe or unmerited favor actually drains your sense of self. Propping someone up can be a form of handing over your dignity.

Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:

ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.

PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.

GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.

It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.

This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.

Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.

Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.

Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.

You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.

You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.

Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.

****** side note *******

CARE TAKING may also have something to do with the "fawn" response. That is, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response from CPTSD / attachment trauma that Pete Walker speaks about in his fabulous writings. That automatic care taking, fawning behavior that is triggered in light of abandonment fears, that overriding of the cerebral cortex--fawning as a survival reflex. I've read this article over and over and over and over....

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity (Video Series by Robert Najemy)

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 1 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 2 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 3 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 4 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 5 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 6 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 7

Self Love: You Attract The Relationships You Need to Heal (Video)

Psychopathy: When the Mask Begins to Slip - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Narcissists Cannot Give One Drop - Takers

20 Reasons Why Narcissists Don't Like People with Boundaries

1. People with boundaries are impossible to manipulate.
2. People with boundaries can spot a narcissist more easily who is trying to bust their boundaries.
3. Narcissists can only abuse people who think they are worthless and don't know their rights.
4. Narcissists are looking for easy prey; a person with boundaries is too much work.
5. Boundaries are the manifestation of your inner strength and self-work.
6. Narcissist parents groom their children not to have boundaries so they can exploit them.
7.  The narcissist's agenda is to overpower and control you, this is not possible if you have boundaries.
   
8. Boundaries keep you safe from the narcissist's plans to exploit you.
9. A person with boundaries cannot be exploited.
10. A person with boundaries trusts their own heart and will notice subtle manipulation tactics.
11. Boundaries show that a person doesn't have any weaknesses that the narcissist can use to push-your-buttons.
12. A person with boundaries shows the narcissist what is wrong with them; their issues become exposed.
13. A person with boundaries is frustrating to the narcissist.
14. A person with boundaries cannot be run over and controlled.
15. A person with boundaries does not give his or her power away.
16. A person with boundaries expects equal and fair treatment--the narcissist is not interested in equality.
17. Boundaries shield you from the narcissist's plans to hurt you and destroy you.
18. Boundaries show that you have enough self esteem to walk away if the narcissist continues to disrespect you.
19. Narcissists want someone who will willingly accept their abuse without protecting themselves.
20. A person with boundaries understands who they are and what their rights are--that means they're not willing to bow down and accept whatever the narcissist plans for his or her life.

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source

There may not be any searches for this topic and I don't care. I'm doing this topic because it's important. Even if you don't think this is something you need to hear, listen to it anyway. There will be info that speaks to you if you open your heart, no matter what your life situation. Please share, leave comments and subscribe. Thanks!









How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 1 of 3
   

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 2 of 3

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 3 of 3

How to Let Go of An Ex Who Is Rejecting You and is Bad for You | How to Stop Loving Your EX

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

You Have to Love Yourself More Than Your Relationships

No matter who you're dealing with, you've got to hold onto yourself and operate from a place of integration, worth, value and self esteem. You can't put any relationship above your dignity. This includes relationships with friends, lovers, spouses, children, coworkers or acquaintances. Don't withhold from exerting boundaries to keep people in your life. Don't ignore your needs to not be a burden. Set boundaries. Define your personal space emotionally, physically, spiritually. Set lines and assert limits. Be a True, Authentic Person... not a beggar who is grateful for crumbs and terrified of rejection. It's better to be by yourself than to be a door mat. ~ Ms JLR