You Have the Right to Be Understood

This sounds like a strange title for an article. Some of you may think it odd that I would even write such a simple sounding article that is so obvious it needs no explanation. Unfortunately, it's not as obvious to many people as it should be, which is sad.

What I didn't realize until I really went deep is that we all have the right to be understood.

Yes, you have the RIGHT to be understood. As a human being you NEED to be understood in order to experience fulfillment. Being understood is a need that you have and therefore, it's a right. You have a right to get all of your needs met. You have a right to ask others in your life to meet your needs--and they have a right to meet your needs or say no. You have a right to stay or go.

You have a right to require that the people in your life understand you, and if they do not, cannot or will not then you have the right to walk away. You could agree to disagree, but if that's something you choose, that is your right, not your obligation. You are not obligated to stay in any relationship with any person at any time unless you're in a committed relationship, even then you are free to go or stay.

You have the right to expect those who are in your life to understand your point of view and to come to logical conclusions about your life, your experiences, your opinions and your meanings.

In fact, it's okay to make sure the people closest to you understand you. If they don't, then that is a sign that your relationship is not equal and that your deepest needs are not being met. The need to be understood is a core dependency need. If you were understood as a child, you won't settle for anything less as an adult. It would feel weird as an adult to hang around people who don't understand you if you felt understood as a child. That's okay, you can make adjustments in your life to get the understanding you need now that you're an adult.

It is a human need to be understood, that is, to be seen and acknowledged and reconciled with others. If you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to understand you, or acts like they don't, then you may be in an unequal relationship where the other person is taking advantage of your unmet need and willingness to prove yourself as a form of control.

I'll explain. As a child, I never felt understood. Nobody believed that I was being abused. Those who knew I was being emotionally and physically battered and neglected never stood up for me. There was nothing they could do. As such, I grew up feeling greatly misunderstood. What I felt, what I knew to be true in reality did not match the output that was coming back to me from my family of origin.

I was gaslighted to the point that all my perceptions were skewed. I didn't know who I was. I couldn't understand my own thoughts and feelings. Other people told me how to feel and told me that how I felt was shameful. They taught me to abandon myself and follow their way to live. They deeply misunderstood me.  I never got the original developmental dependency need met in childhood, so I've been searching for understanding all this time, all the while feeling a sense that I would never be understood.

Then Eureka! I was doing some shame reduction work and I got a bit of light that shined down on this right that we all have to be understood in our relationships. Up until now, I tolerated people in my life who misunderstood me. I didn't know I had the right to expect anything other than that.

People who are disordered, such as narcissists can use your need (which is an empty hole in our hearts) against you. Let's say you never felt understood your whole life, then all you want as an adult is to be understood, and you may go out of your way trying to prove your truth to others--or worse, you may have just given up being understood all together and settled for a bunch of gaslighting from your closest relationships. That's painful. You may be entangled with a narcissist right now who will not understand you. If so, this article may shine some light for you.

Being understood is a major need of a person, therefore, you have the right to expect to be understood by others and to walk away if they refuse, argue or act confused. You don't have to stand around and be gaslighted into believing that you can remain equal when the other person refuses to acknowledge information right in front of their eyes--that is, your truth.

When people close to you refuse to understand you, it can be abusive. It makes you feel unseen and unheard and invisible. It is not meeting your most vital need to be understood. It is a subtle abuse tactic often used by the covert narcissist in order to one-up you and gaslight you. If you're not aware it's happening, you may feel confusing, misunderstood, wrong or toxic shamed. This is a dangerous place to be because it causes you to lose your sense of self and lose self esteem.

You deserve to have people around you who UNDERSTAND YOU. Don't tolerate people who make you feel like you're hard to understand or who refuse to own up to the facts right before them. You have a right to get your needs met by those who wish to remain in your life. You are precious and valuable! If people want your presence, then they need to honor your needs.

We have the right to be understood and to have our reality respected by others, but most importantly, we must vow to UNDERSTAND OURSELVES. We must understand ourselves and stand by ourselves today in the way we needed way back when. It is only when we learn to finally be there for ourselves that we can get our needs met by others.

It's fine if you want to keep people in your life who play games and misunderstand you, just don't let them close to your heart. Letting people mess with your cabeza detracts from your self worth. You deserve better. 

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

Ask for What You Need

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There is no prize for the person who needs the least in life. Relating with others, bonding and connecting involves being vulnerable and sharing your needs. Give & Take. This was really hard for me, it still is very difficult. I was raised to be very self sufficient, to give without taking. But we're not meant to live on this planet alone, we have to rely on each other and be open to receiving. That doesn't mean to weigh people down with our needs or to be entitled. And it doesn't mean to expect all of our needs to be met by others. It just means that we have the courage to be who we are and ask for what we need from others. They may say yes, they may say no. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and feel the interdependence at the peak of relating. But only if we roll the dice and ask.

<3 Jenna

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?

• Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
• Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
• Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
• Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
• Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
• Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
• Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
• Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
• Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
• Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
• Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.

Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

• Does not respect you.
• Is trying to manipulate you.
• Wants to control you.
• Is exploiting you.
• Does not care about your feelings.
• Is pulling a power play.
• Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
• Wants to keep the upper hand.  
• Is selfish.
• Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
• Does not care about your relationship.
• Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
• Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
• Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
• Wants you to be their fawn.
• Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 

So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.

Longing for You

This is da truth!!! Some of us learned it when we were little. Some of us didn't. Some of us hide that yearning with addictions or distractions, some of us count on an outside force while bashing ourselves for not being good enough to get what we need. Then there are those of us who choose to face 100 Proof Reality. The deepest longings in your heart can only be met by YOU. We have to stop running, stop hiding, stop evading our responsibility to really, truly value ourselves no matter how painful it is to face the lies blocking our way. Behind the longing is your answer--and that answer is only within YOU. <3

Unmet Needs vs. Authentic Needs

The Power of Knowing Your Feeling and Needs - Nonviolent Communication

"I like the way my trainer describes challenging emotions as guideposts to underlying needs.  Danger!  There’s a need that’s not being met.  That’s when suffering can begin."

"Uncomfortable feelings are really a cover up for unmet needs.  By following the emotional trail, you’re able to find the unmet need."

Are You Emotionally Dependent? Dr. Margaret Paul

Authentic Needs:  

"I need for you to want to spend time with me - sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you support my highest good."

'Needs' Coming From Emotional Dependency

"I need your attention."
"I need your approval."
"I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex."
"I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy."
"I need you to make me feel secure."
"I need you to make me feel important."
"I need you to fill my emptiness."
"I need you to make me feel special."
"It is your job to make me happy."

Emotional Anorexia

Do you have emotional anorexia?

Appreciate Yourself

Honor Yourself

You have needs.
It is not your job
to be nice to everybody
at your own expense, or
make everyone else
happy while ignoring
your own heart. You
are on this planet with
one Self and it is your
duty to ensure that You
remain as comfortable as
possible, while giving heed
to others in equal measure,
but not more. You deserve
your own respect as much
as anyone else. Do not forget
to HONOR YOURSELF.

~ dotJenna ~

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