Healthy Fear

Everyone talks about overcoming fear. But we also need to allow ourselves to fear when appropriate. Some people and relationships need to be feared. Fear is a helpful instinct. Don't allow yourself to gloss over the facts. If someone is abusive to you even a little, be afraid. Panic. Freak out. Go bonkers. Run! Connect with the warning system in your heart. Get permanently away from those who cause you pain. Get out before the damage is done. Connect with your healthy fear... Protect yourself from harmful relationships. Take care of you. ❤

Fear of Abandonment

Loving Yourself and fear of abandonment do not mix. A person who loves themselves does not fear being abandoned. If you have a fear of abandonment, it means you do not love yourself. The two are mutually exclusive. If you panic at the thought of being rejected and abandoned by the one you love, and it causes you to cling and create a fantasy-bond, then you can be sure that you and your relationship are headed off a cliff.

When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. 

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming"

No one can love you if you fear they'll leave you. Love is the absence of fear. Love casts out fear. Love ebbs and it flows. The tide comes in and the tide goes. You can't be afraid of the natural order of life... Learn to let go.

You have to face your fear of abandonment, go with it to the pit, see that it won't kill you to be abandoned. You will rise again. You're like the Terminator. Abandonment won't kill you--but the fear of it will destroy your relationships and self esteem.

Breathe deep & stand firm. Hold yourself when you're afraid. Remember you're not a fragmented part, you are a whole person with a whole life ahead of you. You may have been abandoned as a child, but that can never happen again. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself. The only one who can abandon you now is you.

Great article on healing the abandonment core wound: The Spirit of Ma'at - Abandonment Abyss.

You Already Are...

YOU ALREADY ARE the person it takes to achieve your goals. You just need to remove everything in your mind that tells you your not. Remove all resistance. Remove all doubt. Stop thinking habitual thoughts of failure. Allow your brilliant self to shine. Allow your Higher Self to align with truth. Allow yourself to receive the blessings. Get out of your own way. Visualize yourself as you truly are--a baller, shot-caller, today, this moment, right NOW.

How To Pull Yourself Inside

One of the neatest things I learned along the way in my healing transformation from being a fear-based person to a love-based person is how to "Pull Yourself Inside." This is a process that I created myself, as a basis of healing, based on my extensive research. This is not a process you will find in any other book on the planet, unless someone decides to copy me.

This is one of the many things I learned along the way that helped me in the healing process, a tool, a process that was not available anywhere else, but that I discovered through research and soul searching. It's fascinating, it's amazing and I believe it has the potential to revolutionize Childhood Trauma Healing process as well as Codependency Recovery. This is powerful.

Learning to "Pull Yourself Inside" is a natural outflow of the healing process when you're on target and moving forward. I think it is akin to personal integration and it feels magnificent, although a bit awkward at first.

Pulling yourself inside is about capturing yourself, every part of yourself, parts you used to regularly, easily give away, and refunneling that good stuff back into yourself where it belongs. See how weird that sounds? I don't care. It's true! It's about taking your thoughts back. It's about taking your time back to use for yourself. It's about taking your energy back, your concern, your care and your compassion, it's about taking all that good stuff inside you that you used to give away to someone who wasn't emotionally available, or worse, who was abusive; and funneling those things back unto yourself where it always belongs.

This means that when you talk and connect with others, your focus is not on Sue Ellen, Bobby Sue or Bob Smith. No. Your focus is not external. You bring your focus back to you, no matter how awkward it feels.

There is a reason why so many of us in recovery focus externally... Firstly, you feel like your worth comes from the outside, not inside... and second, because it can be quite uncomfortable to focus on ourselves... It's because nobody ever focused on us before, not truly, not like this, and we don't know how to focus on ourselves.

• It's because we don't know who we are or what we're supposed to focus on. 

• It's because we don't want to be exposed and vulnerable, so we converse about other people's issues (or shall I say, we project our issues onto other people) so that our ego can keep its hands clean. 

• It's because religion has taught us that to be humble we must never think of ourselves. 

• It's because we're filled with shame and thinking of ourselves often triggers a bad feeling.

• It's because as children, in order to get approval, we had to focus externally to survive. 

• It's because we don't know any other way. 

• It's because our brains were conditioned early-on to abandon ourselves and focus on others.

• It's because we think that we focus on ourselves a lot, but in actuality, our primary focus is on others. 

The problem is, when we're focusing on other people, when we're blaming instead of taking ownership, then we are just delaying our own progress. We cannot get ahead if we stay stuck on the merry-go-round of denial, blame and projection. It's not possible. In order to heal, in order to transform, in order to grow, in order to get to the next level mentally and emotionally, we must deal with the truth. We must be friendly with the facts. We must focus on ourselves.

There are many ways to pull yourself inside. Any of the following techniques are extremely helpful and represent some ways I've discovered to pull myself inside. Perhaps you have your own way. Perhaps some of these ways that work for me won't work for you. That's okay. The point is, making a concentrated, FOCUSED EFFORT to pull your affect inward, toward yourself.

Focused Effort

• Refocusing your thoughts ONTO YOURSELF.
• Refocusing your conversations ONTO YOURSELF. (Not being selfish, just not talking about the problems of other people--you can do nothing about those people... also steering clear of too much data and 'intellectualizing.')
• Refocusing your actions ONTO YOURSELF. (Not saying to disregard responsibility, but rather, take more time out to do things to your benefit, especially if you're over-concerned with doing for other people most of the time.) 

Focused effort means to catch yourself when you feel yourself slipping away toward external control.

• This means, catching yourself when you're day dreaming about that awful relationship, telling yourself that it really wasn't so bad.
• This means catching yourself when you're crying about a past relationship. (Shouldn't you be thinking about yourself?)
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you find that you're focusing on someone elses issues.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you take too much time dwaddling when you promised yourself you would spend time on yourself.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're worried about whether someone likes you or not, whether they approve of you.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're working non-stop and not taking any breaks.

 The process of pulling yourself inside is just that. A process. It takes time to strengthen your neural pathways in your brain to make this process a habit, but eventually, it will become more natural for you to center on yourself than outside parties. The payoff is that you have a place from which to start to build your new identity, that of a "Healed Person," and write a new story for how your life will go from now on. Granted, your new space inside your own heart may feel bland and empty right now, but pretty soon I'm going to walk you through the process of decorating your inner life with things such as gratitude, compassion, beauty, knowledge, wisdom and love.

Fear or Love?

"Notice if your feelings & actions are coming from thoughts of fear or of love."
~ Dr. Margaret Paul 

If your actions are coming from a place of fear, then examine closely. you are likely feeling the need to control the perception that other people have of you. If you're operating from a place of fear, you are like an empty void, sucking up all that is around you. Fear is a place of need, a place of emptiness, hopelessness and insecurity. What are you afraid of? Examine:

• Afraid the truth will come out that you are not worthy of love, that you are not enough?
• Afraid that your relationship will end because there is no way you can ever be happy?
• Afraid that your loved one will leave you?
• Afraid you will be exposed in your weakness?

And if any of these fears form the core of your thoughts and feelings, you will have distinctly different actions and interactions than if you come from a place of love. What's more, you will likely end up getting the very thing you feared--rejection from the other person. This is because fear breeds rejection. Fear is the ultimate rejection of self; it is a lack of faith in your own efficacy in life. Fear breeds what it tries to hedge.

Fear Takes

Another issue alluded to above is the need to control. When you are in fear, instead of operating out of the purity and wholeness of love, you end up trying to control outcomes. This control takes on various manipulative forms. This control wreaks havoc on your relationships because it is indirect, non-authentic and a mask of who you really are and how you really feel. A person who is in fear may pretend to be super-strong, get super-angry, withdraw and/or hold affection. Fear causes you to engage indirectly, and may cause you to seek reassurance in those around you--the black hole effect.

Love Gives

But when you come from a place of love, it is a different story. Love offers up itself in truth and beauty. Love is not trying to GET anything in return--I learned this from Dr. Margaret Paul's teachings. Love doesn't need approval, doesn't need to make excuses for itself, doesn't need anything. Love is the opposite of fear because fear takes but love gives. Fear hides but love uncovers.

The key is being mindful during your interactions. Asking the right questions at the right moments can help you figure out where you're heart is and allow you to adjust your positioning in order to protect your precious relationships. Remember: Love builds, encourages and gives; fear destroys, rejects and takes.

Which will you choose this day?
 

Jenna R.

How to Let Go of Fear of Abandonment

by K. Nola Mokeyane
 
The fear of abandonment is an insidious phenomenon that can create chaos and unhappiness for partners in romantic relationships. People with abandonment issues are often attracted to unavailable partners with whom they can't -- for one reason or another -- fall completely in love, says clinical psychologist and relationship psychoanalyst Frances Cohen Praver, writing for "Psychology Today." Praver believes that this pattern allows those affected by relationship abandonment issues to play it safe and not fully commit their feelings in a relationship for fear of getting hurt by the abandonment they so desperately want to avoid.

Forgive
One way for you to let go of your fear of abandonment is to practice forgiveness. Part of the reason you may be holding onto this fear is because you're holding on to anger, sadness and other difficult emotions related to abandonment you experienced in the past. If your mother or father abandoned you as a child, it's understandable to still feel hurt. What's not helpful is to assume that other people will make the same choices made by your parents or other significant people who've abandoned you. Mental health counselor Donna M. White, writing for "Psych Central," notes that " forgiveness . . . is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain and moving into a better and healthier place." Finding a way to forgive someone who's abandoned you gives you personal freedom and makes room for healthier romantic relationships.

Recognize Your Worth
If you experienced abandonment as a child, your mind may have deduced that if a parent left you, then friends, romantic partners and other significant people in your life are bound to leave you as well. If you took this loss personally and somehow felt responsible for your parent leaving you, then you may feel like your parent chose to leave because you weren't worthy enough for him or her to stay. Clearly, these deductions are fallacious. Human beings undergo complex psychological processes -- making all sorts of choices -- and children aren't responsible for a parent's choice to abandon them. If you believe that you're worthless, then all your actions will be in line with that belief, advises the Theravive website, created by a network of counselors and therapeutic clinics. You need to realize that you're not to blame for your parent's abandonment and see yourself as worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Redirect Negative Thoughts
It's important to redirect negative thoughts in order to let go of your fear of abandonment. If you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of your partner cheating on you, or if you're incredibly worried that she'll leave you one day, first recognize that your thoughts may be irrational, and then seek to entertain healthier ones. If you have strong reasons to believe your partner is cheating on you, then don't obsess about it -- ask him. If he says he's not cheating and you have no proof or red flags to support your suspicions, then it's time to move on. If these thoughts arise again, remind yourself that you've already resolved this issue with your partner and redirect your thinking to something more pleasant, such as good things about your relationship. You don't have to succumb to negative thinking -- you can simply observe negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to think of something that is more beneficial to you.

Seek Professional Help
If you find that your fear of abandonment is severe -- causing you serious distress in romantic relationships -- then you might benefit from seeking professional help. Therapy can assist you in a number of ways, including helping you identify the source of your fears, allowing you to see how fear of abandonment shows up in your patterns of behavior and offering viable solutions for managing this common fear. Sometimes simply talking to someone about thoughts and feelings that are deeply buried can provide you a release that enables you to think more clearly and make better relationship choices. Therapy is a useful tool that can assist you in letting go of your fear of abandonment permanently.

by K. Nola Mokeyane