Rewiring After Gaslighting

25 Ways to Stop Caring About a Hurtful Person

 This article contains healing crystals of understanding that I've gained along the way. It's hard to let go of narcissistic, hurtful, exploitative and abusive people, especially when you were raised in an abusive environment. We feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and wrong. The truth is, we are NOT HOPELESS. We can CHOOSE today to let go of hurtful people and embrace ourselves. There is a lot of value inside of you that you may be spewing / projecting onto a hurtful person. This list is about how to stop doing that. Love to you. Enjoy! Also, see these Affirmations for Over Empathizing

1. Every time you think good thoughts about that abusive person, remind yourself of how they are not good for you.
2. When you find yourself feeling concerned for a person who has treated you poorly and has chosen not to stop or respect your boundaries, remind yourself that you are better than that.
3. Build a relationship with yourself inside yourself that is between your wise, parental part and your lower, more vulnerable child part.
4. Treat your inner child with love and respect so you will become immediately aware when you're being mistreated. Awareness is a huge piece of it. 
5. Protect your inner child, vulnerable, trusting part with your strong, wise, intelligent, healed inner adult.
6. Make yourself bigger and other people smaller in your own minds eye.
7. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize when your vulnerable inner child is seeking approval from people who are abusive, mean and exploitive. 
8. Reparent your inner child by reminding yourself that you are a valuable, worthy being who deserves love and respect.
9. Remind your inner child that you do not need the outside person who is hurtful to you.
10. Remind your inner child of other things you can do besides focusing on a hurtful person.
11. Remind your inner child that it doesn't matter what other people think of your decision to be strong and protect yourself.
12. Remind your inner child that you are an adult and you are strong and you can protect yourself.
13. Remind your inner child that you are no longer little, but that you are an adult now and you have resources to protect yourself and stand up to hurtful people.
14. Remind yourself that you do not need this hurtful person in your life, and that the hurtful person's opinions, thoughts have nothing to do with you.
15. Remind yourself that you are better off without the hurtful person.
16. Distract yourself by focusing on something that is beneficial to you, rather than focusing on the hurtful person.
17. Give yourself a break if you happen to forget and slip up and allow the hurtful person access back into your life. Don't shame yourself for making mistakes. You are growing, you will get there.
18. Set boundaries with unhealthy people. 
19. Work on your internal self-talk. Listen to what you are saying to yourself about you and this hurtful person. Create mantras and affirmations that affirm your worth and that help you to remember that you are more valuable to you than this outside person.
20. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the abuse this hurtful person has inflicted upon you.
21. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the guilt you feel for letting the abusive person go.
22. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the responsibility you feel for care taking someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 
23. Affirm yourself whenever you take action to stop hurtful people from damaging you.
24. Affirm yourself with positive mantras constantly whenever you hear the internal critic shaming you for protecting yourself from hurtful others.
25. Remind yourself that you are not responsible to take care of the needs of hurtful people. You are free to detach and take care of you.

Now, take a moment to sit down and journal about this list. Think about how you are allowing a hurtful person access to your vulnerable inner child. Think about the items on this list that resound to your heart. Think of your weak areas. Think of your strong areas. What are some things you can do to strengthen parts of yourself listed above so that you can start taking better care of yourself and keep bad people out-of-your life? Journal, journal, journal... Talk to a safe other. That's how you do it. That is the process for learning your worth and value. You can do it!!! I have faith in you. 

Narcissist Love Bombing Phase

Narcissists Play the Victim | Never Take the Blame Unless They're Manipulating You

Narcissists Hook You with Your Unmet Needs - Covert Abuse

Boundaries are Your Sword & Shield

A person who trusts their intuition and knows their rights and has boundaries to protect their values is immune to long-term abuse by the narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, borderlines, energy vampire or other disordered person, that I refer to as a Zombie.

The Narcissist cannot tolerate boundaries because they cannot stand FUNCTIONAL behavior. Functional behavior, that is, the give-and-take of real feelings, emotions and expression among 2 or more people is the antithesis of toxic behavior. Narcissists need things to be dysfunctional and chaotic because this is the way they gain and maintain power and control. Your internal and external boundaries are your weapon and protection against these body snatchers.

Love is to the Narc like Holy Water is to the Vampire. Narcs cannot express feelings because love is vulnerability, and to the Zombie, this is a weakness. Since the narc wishes to control and destroy, you will see them avoiding true love at all costs.

Knowledge IS POWER. Knowing your rights will keep you safe. Knowing what you want, what you need and what you deserve--and being able to stand up for your rights and maintain your boundaries is your weapon against abuse from those who want to take you down.

3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You

People who are out to abuse you, use you, exploit you and complicate your life have certain tactics that they use to HOOK you into their game. If you have any weakness at all, abusers will find them and use those weaknesses to reel you in, control you, manipulate you and make you doubt your own intuition. Abusers include anyone, narcissists, borderlines, control freaks, users, players, takers... Anyone who has their own interests ahead of your interests and who wants to use your resources for their own. An abuser is someone who wants to take advantage of you.

One way to stop being abused is to become aware of the hooks. Hooks for the purpose of this article refer to ways an abusive person gets under your skin and causes you to follow their agenda. Below are 3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You.

1. They use a promise of something you want to hook you. 

This could be anything, money, sex, love, attention, quality time, affection. An abusive person will dangle a carrot in front of your face and make promises to give you what you want--some time in the future. Pretty soon, they have you jumping through hoops and fantasizing about this "promise of future gain" that they've set up for you.

The problem is, that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. These people have nothing to give. sometimes this promise of gain is theirs to give, but they are too selfish to give it. Other times, they don't have it to give, but they're habitual liars who know how to paint a rosy picture that you believe. Other abusers will dangle the promise and continually move-the-goal-line for your obtaining of whatever it is they're offering to you if you give them what they want first.

Healthy Thought: When someone is promising to give you something in the future, don't go immediately into over drive trying to please this person and meet their needs. Don't allow yourself to fantasize about the ideal love they will presumably give you, or the big paycheck you will get if you work your butt off to please them.

Back-off. Ask questions. Look for proof that the promised gain actually exists. If you have a weakness or deep need inside for money, affection, love, positive regard, approval, affirmation, then you may be prone to fall for the tricks of the abuser.  It's important that you work to give yourself the things you need so that when this type of abuser shows up, you can easily say "No Thanks."

When deciding who to trust in this world, you have to look for clues as to who they really are under the surface. Just because someone is promising to do things for you, doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Ask them specific questions and get definite data about what you're going to get if you go along with their agenda. If someone is out to use and abuse you, they won't like boundaries... they won't like questions and they won't give specifics. They will back off if you start requiring proof.

Example: I had a client promise me the sun, moon and the stars if I would do a bunch of work helping them find their $1 Million dream home. This client had taken a lot of my time. Every time we spoke on the phone in a previous transaction, the phone call would last for an hour and things were twisted and unclear. I ended up respectfully bowing out of a transaction, even though I stood to lose a lot of money in the process. Later, this client called me up wanting me to find another house she gave me a list of things she wanted me to do. I asked the client to send me a pre-approval letter before I would begin my work. Low-and-behold, within an hour, she said she had already found another home. Imagine that!?!?! I got out of that trap with my time and energy intact to spend on endeavors that will benefit ME without exploitation.

2. They use your weaknesses and insecurities to hook you.

Some people have a need to control, manipulate and have power over others. Not everyone is nice, caring, compassionate and empathetic. There are people in the world who will use your weaknesses and your insecurities against you. How does one do this? Usually by making subtle digs at you about whatever it is that you feel insecure about... your weight, your financial status, your social status, education, career, your inability to stand up for yourself.

These subtle digs speak directly to your insecurities. Let's say you're feeling bad about yourself for some reason, maybe because you were abused as a little girl and made to feel as though you're less-than other people. Then, an abuser can easily come in and "push-your-buttons" by making covert, subtle little digs about how someone else is so great, while you are sorely lacking in those ways. This can cause you to doubt yourself because it triggers your negative core beliefs.

Healthy Thoughts: Know yourself well. Know your insecurities. Know your weaknesses. If anyone mentions or alludes to anything that bothers you about yourself, dig deeper and see if you're not dealing with an exploitative abuser who wants to build their own self esteem by dragging you down. Stay away from these kinds of people. Find people who support you and build you up instead.

Example: I once had a friend who was always there for me when things were going bad. It felt really good to have someone who was there for me, but eventually, thankfully, I started waking up to the fact that this friend was actually "rubbing it in" whenever painful situations would arise. She would bring up past mistakes and issues when it would have been much more helpful for her to support me for future success. I had to dump this friend for healthier ones.

3. They use extreme kindness and attention to hook you.

A savvy manipulator who wants to get under your skin and hook you and later control you will be your best friend and supporter at first. This phase usually lasts about 3 months. They shower you with attention and treat you as though you are the most amazing person on the planet. The reason this can hook you is that you may need love, affection and attention so badly, that this person feels like a godsend, like a breath of fresh air. You're finally getting the recognition and approval that you deserve--but it's external when it should be internal.

When someone uses extreme kindness and attention to hook you, a person without good boundaries may have a difficult time saying no. He or she may feel obligated to give this person every ounce of their life because he or she is being so sweet, kind and attentive towards them. A person who is overwhelmed by all the attention may have a difficult time discerning his own intuition because of the flood of attention received from the abusive person. In narcissistic abuse, this is a phase called "IDEALIZATION" where the narc will treat you extremely well for about 3 months, then start to devalue you and eventually discard you. This can also be part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Healthy Thoughts: Watch out for people who come on too strong. I know you need love, affection, time and attention that you never received as a child, but be careful not to give yourself away for those things from an insincere person. Warning: This can be an incredibly beguiling situation. Having someone idealize you and treat you like a queen is a wonderful feeling, especially if you really need it because you don't know how to do it for yourself. Still, you must have the maturity to set boundaries and maintain your own strong sense of self, even when it feels so good to be taken over by someone who seems to think you are God's gift to the world. Trust me, it won't last. You're great, but be leery of people who are fawning over you and flattering you.

Example: I once had a boyfriend who seemed to adore me in every way. He gave me lots of attention, he showered me with gifts, quality time, fancy dates and he listened to my every word. Then one day, the sweetness wore off and he decided, out-of-the-blue that he didn't want to be in a relationship as he preferred to date several other women at a time. I should have seen the warning signs, but I was in fantasy la la land. I know better now.

CONCLUSION

What happens once you're hooked? Once you are taken away in fantasy by a promise of love, attention, money or other things you want. What happens once you are hooked by someone who reminds you of your weaknesses and insecurities? What happens when you are hooked by someone who put you on a pedestal? YOU BECOME THEIR SLAVE.

When you allow people to HOOK YOU and get into your head like this, you lose parts of yourself, your self-esteem goes down the tubes and your life can become a shambles. This is why it's so important to protect yourself from abusive, exploitative people. You need to stay aware of your center, of your core self and make sure that you listen to your intuition when it comes to other people. You must look for clues as to their true intentions beyond their facade of kindness. You must know the difference between a genuine person and someone who is out to eventually take from you. The only way to take care of yourself against abusive people is to SET BOUNDARIES and to look out for yourself. Take care of yourself and release obligation to others. That's the only way.

CHOOSE YOU.

Narcissists Love to Hurt You

One thing a narcissist will do is abuse you directly. But a better tactic for the elusive narc is to have someone else abuse you instead of themselves. This keeps their hands clean. For this reason, a narcissist will almost always encourage you to...

• Stay in abusive situations.
• Ignore your own intuition.
• Feel guilty for taking up for yourself against others who bully you.
• Ignore toxic behavior.
• Just get over it.
• Blame yourself. 
• Apologize for everything.

A narcissist is not on your side. They don't care about you. As hard as this is to face, especially if this person is a family member, parent, sibling or spouse, it is something you must face in order to get out alive. The narcissist does not think like you; nor does he/she FEEL like you. They are different. They are heartless. Their only concern is for themselves, how they look. They only feel worthy when they make others feel unworthy. It's that simple.

They live to put you down and make you feel rotten, especially if you're a threat. If you're a threat, the narcissist will do everything possible to pull you down and trick you into feeling badly about yourself. They will manipulate you into thinking that you've brought the abuse on yourself... when really, it's their "support" that's kept you hanging onto people who are abusive to you. It's vital that you get the hell away from people who encourage you to stay in abusive or toxic situations. Someone who really cares about you wants to keep you from harm. A true person will encourage you to protect yourself at all costs.

If you are weak in any way... if you are needy in any way... if you harbor any self doubt whatsoever, the narcissist will hone in on this weakness and take full advantage of it. Never share your weakness with a narcissist. They feed on weak people with poor boundaries and weak sense of self. They have a sixth sense for vulnerability and are sizing you up constantly to see what they can exploit.Your pain is narcissistic supply to the narcissist... just like blood to the vampire.

Their ultimate goal is to steal you away from you. They want you to be dumb, confused and easy to control. Their self esteem is derived from making others feel like crap. They subtly encourage you to stay in abusive situations thus harming you without them actually doing it directly. When they're able to do this effectively, they get a little "kick" in their heart... like when a normal person feels when we are generous or make someone happy. A narcissist feels good when she inflicts pain on you.

The toxic behaviors of the narcissist ARE PAINFUL to a real person who has a real (not fake) heart. A real person has feelings and needs and wants true connection. The narcissist promises connection but then renigs on the deal at the last minute--after they feel they've dominated you. Their greatest pleasure is to cause others pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. When you hurt, the narc feels like she has won, and in a way, she has.

If you allow yourself to be duped by the false promises of the narcissist to love and treat you with respect, then you can only look to yourself for the reason why. Why would you subject yourself to the put-downs, lies and manipulations of the narcissist? You must find out and repair those old wounds.

The only real way to win against the narcissist is to get away from them. They can never love and will forever hate you because you can. They will try to pull you into your web by getting close to your non-narc friends and family, but don't fall for the triangulation. The narcissist is all mirrors and lights. They have nothing you need. They can add nothing and can take nothing away. You are free and beautiful and amazing. Go out and love yourself and find real people to love. <3

Love Bombing

Love Bombing is a very common tactic used by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other toxic individuals to lure a victim into trusting him or her and gaining power and control over the victim's life. Love bombing can occur in lovers, friends, family--anywhere you find a narcissist or toxic person. Examples of love bombing include any of the following types of behaviors...

• Texting you all the time
• Telling you you're their soul mate.
• Putting you in the same context as their long-term ex or ex husband or wife.
• Wanting to take you out.
• Liking everything that you say or do.
• Being over all crazy about you.
• Doing favors for you, going out of their way for you.
• Be extremely passionate sexually.
• I feel like you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen their whole lives.
• Being selfless while focusing totally on you.
• Progressing the relationship quickly.
• Future faking. (Making comments about a future that never happens...)
• Sweeping you off your feet.
• Promising you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship.
• Professing to be your best friend.
• Rushing to have sex, move-in together, get married.
• Sending you letters, emails, texts professing love and devotion.
• Being constantly available to you.
• Selflessly meeting your needs.
• Seeming to think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.
• Wanting to spend every moment with you.
• Tying up all your time on the phone, via text or in person.

Love Bombing is a tactic for brainwashing people. This tactic is often used by religious groups to recruit new members. Love Bombing is a cult-favorite and very disoriented for the victim. The victim feels flattered and overwhelmed by all the attention and adoration he or she gets from the love bomber. The Love Bomber is merely a sheep in wolves clothing... What originally feeds this victim will eventually feed off of her.

How Does Love Bombing Work?

Love Bombing works in the following ways to disorient, overwhelm and over-take the victim's normal thought processes:

• Causes the victim to feel flattered.
• Promises a needy victim the love he or she never got before.
• Isolates the victim from friends, family, etc... because focus is on Love Bomber.
• Causes the victim to ignore red flags because he or she is so intrigued by the constant flow of attention.
• Causes the victim to emotionally depend on the love bomber.
• Causes a feeling of reciprocity in the victim which makes him feel obligated to pay back the kindness of the love bomber in the future. 
• Incites the fantasies of ideal love / fairytale love in the victim which ultimately become a trap.
• Cause victim to trust the love bomber.
• Take the victim off track from their own internal guidance system.
• Cause the victim to believe that the love bomber truly cares.
• Cause the victim to disbelieve negative behavior of the love bomber which will come eventually.

The Problem with Love Bombing

The problem with love bombing is that it is not real. Sure, it would be great if another person would come along, sweep us off our feet, tell us we're the greatest person on earth, and give us the 24/7 unconditional love we missed-out-on as a kid. Yes, that would be nice... and we CAN get that kind of love, but not from a stranger. The kind of love the love bomber promises to fill is the kind of love that you can only give to yourself. You've got to love yourself the way the love bomber is pretending to love you.

Plus, the love bomber is so taken by you, that he MUST eventually give up the charade. It's not healthy to have someone so attached, attracted and dependent on you. Eventually, this person who is all over you will swing back the other way and become the opposite toward you. This is where things get painful for the unaware victim of love bombing.

The Results of Love Bombing

If you are taken away by the love bombing tactics of the narcissist, you're in for a very hard fall. These disordered people gain your trust, promise you the sun and stars, then drop you in mid air from an airplane without a parachute. You hit the ground. Kerplunk! It hurts! The key is steering clear of love bombers in the first place... Or, making sure you don't put all your eggs in this love bomber's basket to begin with. Also, allowing people to unfold over time instead of allowing them to rush you into a relationship or friendship before you're ready.

The Love Bomber is attempting to brainwash you by meeting all your needs and being super-attentive towards you. He or she subconsciously knows that they are hijacking your internal judgment system. Eventually, when she is done and has what she wants from you, she will discard you like a piece of trash. This is a very common tactic of the narcissist. To discard you. This is part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Once you are hooked on this narcissist, it's too late. Your judgment is thwarted. Your identity is stolen. You get your sole source of feeling good from this person who once loved you, but is now treating you with disdain. The toxic process of devaluation includes these types of behaviors:

• Ignoring your texts.
• Not texting you anymore, or reaching out to call you.
• Not wanting to see you anymore.
• Withdrawing from the relationship.

These tactics are control tactics that narcs use to exact narcissistic supply from their victims. These tactics are also signals to your subconscious that you're doing something wrong and that you need to change what you're doing to please the narcissist. These tactics also teach you that something is wrong with you... (especially if you already have issues with this negative core belief to begin with). 

After the love bombing phase, you begin to see that it was all an act. This person didn't love you or care about you at all. You were simply taken for a fool and then you're stuck with an awful, painful mess of sorting through how you gave yourself away to a liar. This is where healing can begin.

Hidden Messages of Toxic People

How do you know if a friend, acquaintance or family member is toxic? There are some usual tell-tale signs. First of all, you must know, when you're dealing with a toxic person, you're not simply engaging with them. You are in a battle; a battle for power and control. Toxic people base their interactions on power and control. They want to engage with you, but only in a way that puts them on top, and you on bottom.

Unfortunately, these disordered human beings feel out-of-sorts when you are equal. They need to feel superior in order to maintain their self esteem. They come across as aloof and as though they don't need you, when in reality, they're quite needy. They only get their self esteem from external sources... from doing things that subtly put you in your "place." One of the main ways a toxic person sends a message of inequality to those around him or her is through subtle ignoring, withdrawal and the Silent Treatment. This is the process of leaving you hanging, not answering your texts, not responding to your invitations or checking their phone when the two of you are having lunch.

Checking phone when you're in mid sentence during lunch, dinner or other 2 way conversation. 

You may think this is no big deal, when in fact, it is a big deal because it sends a subconscious (and often conscious) message that you are not worth listening to. It causes the speaker to question him or herself and to feel less-than interesting. If a speaker is codependent and unaware of this mean toxic tactic, he or she may try harder to engage the ignoring other, or simply be quiet, assuming that what they say is not important. Everyone has a need to be heard. You have a right to expect your needs to be met, and you have a right to be heard. A toxic person ignoring you as you're speaking is rude and inconsiderate. If you continue to put up with this behavior, it will erode your self esteem.

When I am eating, drinking and/or conversing with someone, I am aware of the messages that the other person is sending to me. I listen to my own gut about how I feel. If I feel uneasy, or if the person starts ignoring me as I am speaking, I stop speaking. I may even let them know that I can't talk while someone is texting others. If they won't stop after I set a boundary, I will end the lunch. Yes, I will get up and walk away. Life is too short to pour myself out to disrespectful people. I need my self esteem and I need people who respect me enough to listen to me and show me that they are interested in what I have to say. I MATTER and so do you.

Ignoring your texts.

This is an interesting one. There are 2 types of ignoring (probably more, but I'm only dealing with 2). One type is when you send a text and the person never responds. The second type is when you say something and the person glosses over what you said by not answering. Here's a nice breakdown of unacceptable behavior of toxic people that over time will rob you of your self esteem and take away from you rather than build you up.

"A skilled emotional manipulator gets you to put your sense of self worth and emotional well-being into his hands. Once you make that grave mistake, he methodically and continually chips away at your identity and self-esteem until there's little left." ~ Psychopaths and Love 

1. Not responding to your initial text. This is a sign that the other person is not interested in communicating with you or that they did not receive the text. You can let this slide once, but if it happens 3 times within a few months, you can bet this person is sending you a subtle message that you are unimportant and less-than them. If a person is too busy to send a quick text back, this person is too busy for you. Go find someone more interested in you who can meet your needs equally.

2. Saying something totally unrelated to what you've said. Some people have the nerve to totally ignore your topics of conversation by text, phone or in person. They may not answer your question, but instead say whatever it is they want to say. This is a subtle form of dissing. It sends a message to your subconscious that you are invisible; and that what you have to say is not important.

3. Not responding to the last thing you said. How hard is it to send a smiley face? Say haha or finish up a conversation? I've noticed that people who have a stake in being one-up over others do not reply or finish conversations. They leave things open, which leaves you feeling like you just said the most stupid thing in the world. I know this is subtle, but that's how nuts toxic people are. They use every opportunity to dominate over others and make people they're dealing with feel less-than and worthless.

4. Waiting a long time to respond to texts. Everyone is busy. We live in a busy world, and we can't expect to be at the top of everyone's agenda 24 hours a day, however, there is a limit to how busy a person should be before you scrap the relationship and find someone else who is more attentive to your needs for reciprocity.  If someone you're dealing with consistently fails to respond to your texts in a timely manner, or leaves you hanging, then you could be dealing with a toxic person who is trying to dominate you and ultimately control you. I recommend letting this person know this behavior is bothersome and setting a boundary to protect yourself from being negated in any way.

Some people like this you have to deal with, for example people at work and/or family members. Other people, you have a choice to walk away and find people who treat you well. I have found that the text process is a great way to find out if you're dealing with a person who is sane... that is, interested in a reciprocal, give-and-take, equal relationship... or the opposite. A narcissistic control freak who wants to gain power over you--or somewhere in between.

Being less available.

A toxic person is all about controlling you. When you are being controlled by a toxic person, you may not even realize it. They do little things. Tiny things that seem like no big deal to you. Let's say, for example, they are pulling the Sweet/Mean Cycle on you. They want to control some aspect of your life, so they've been LOVE BOMBING you by being nice and meeting all your needs--and more. Now, it's time for the leveling. This is when the narcissist goes from idealizing you to devaluing you. Some toxic people use this process to control you and bring you back into line.

You may not realize it, but you will subconsciously notice that the toxic person is no longer attending to you like before. You may not see it plainly, but deep down, you will associate this person's poor, declining treatment of you as an indication that they're no longer happy with you. You're no longer accepted. Maybe you got a new job, a new boyfriend or a raise. A disordered person, who was there for you like Mother Theresa when you were down, now suddenly starts pulling away. Subconsciously, you may start to sabotage your new found happiness in order to maintain this relationship. WATCH OUT. This is a powerful form of control that can cripple your life and frustrate you immensely.

Pay attention when people are there for you and when you are feeling needy. Notice changes in the relational style of those closet to you, especially if you've been a victim of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse. It may not be you. You may be the puppet of a toxic controlling person without even realizing it!

Insinuating there is something wrong with you and/or your decisions and life choices.

Let's face it. Happy, well-adjusted people with high self esteem do not feel the need to tear others down or to make them feel like there is something wrong with them. It is only people who feel little, insecure and intimidated that will go the extra mile to try to make you feel badly. A toxic person is very subtle, but will make statements and ask little questions that are intended to make you second guess yourself. Watch for this! Someone who loves and cares about you, someone who is good for you will build you up and encourage you--they won't be making little digs that negate and deflate you. A healthy person will not cause you to have to defend yourself or give excuses. Only sick, unhealthy people try to downgrade others.

The key to stopping these negative messages from infiltrating your soul is to build your own identity and seek out healthy people. Do whatever it takes to build a positive support system of people who are on your side and who are not toxic. Weed out negative toxic people from your life by limiting your communication and time you spend with them. Remind yourself that you matter. Continue to cultivate rich friendships with people who value you and who have something to offer. Steer clear from envious others and those with an agenda. So much more I could say, but this is all for today.

Narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle

This video is an excellent explanation of the narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle. The Sweet / Mean Cycle is a manipulative tactic used by toxic people to control you. If you fall for the sweet / mean cycle, you will become confused as you diminish yourself, deny your own needs AND work overtime to make the toxic person happy at your own expense.

The Sweet Mean Cycle is a process the toxic person uses to gain control of their victims. The victim is generally someone who has been abused this way growing up who is groomed to give up their rights and be a puppet to external sources.

This intermittent reinforcement of sometimes nice sometimes mean creates a split in the victim's psyche that sucks up energy and causes one to lose their grip on their own identity, worth and value.

IT TAKES 2 TO TANGO
 
The Sweet Mean Cycle is used by the Perpetrator in the Drama Triangle to entangle his or her victim. Once enthralled, these two people dance around in recurrent roles of Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer. Each wears masks while making the other responsible for their own feelings. Make no mistake. This is a dance on the part of the Perpetrator who uses the manipulative Sweet / Mean Cycle, and the victim who allows it to happen by abandoning his or her self.

This abusive relationship heads downhill fast with the one who has the most power gaining control and benefit. The one who gives his or her power away suffers most.

100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to tell sometimes when you are dating one. Some narcissists are overt, others are covert and subtle. Some are extravagant, others are on the down low. Some are successful tyrants, others are low-level wannabes. Here is a list of potential signs that you are dating a narcissist:

1. They won't show weakness.
2. They are too good to be true.
3. They look perfect and everything about them seems perfect.
4. Their display of feelings for your pain seems contrived.
5. They are available any time you need them at first. 
6. They have a history of broken relationships.
7. They have big problems that make you want to help them.
8. They are constantly experiencing drama.
9. They talk about themselves in glamorous ways a lot.
10. They withdraw and use the silent treatment when you don't give them what they want.
11. They ignore boundaries.
12. They ignore your needs.
13. They are focused on how you look more than the real you.
14. They speed up the relationship.
15. They act like they love you without telling you, or they tell you they love you too quickly.
16. They make you the center of their world.
17. You feel obsessed about the relationship.
18. They are nice sometimes, standoffish and mean at other times.
19. He buys you elaborate gifts or makes elaborate promises.
20. They play games.
21. They play the victim.
22. They have a grand plan for a wonderful business they are starting that doesn't make sense.
23. They have a low grade job and try to make it sound exotic.
24. They blame others for their problems.
25. They do not take responsibility for their actions.
26. They focus on body parts as a way of turning you into an object.
27. They don't allow closure of the relationship. They want to keep you on the string.
28. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you confused and off-balance.
29. They invalidate you.
30. They give you the feeling that you are in some way inadequate.
31. They are vague about their intentions.
32. They don't answer questions directly.
33. They are controlling.
34. They try to make you feel guilty and obligated. 
35. They try have a string of lovers whom they've left.
36. You feel you have to make up for their inadequacies.
37. Whenever you have an issue, they have an issue that's worse. 
38. They have major problems in their life that they haven't been able to overcome.
39. You feel the need to hide parts of your true self.
40. You feel euphoric when you are with him or her. 
41. They shower you with attention and don't give you any flack about things you want at first.
42. Something is not quite right with this person.
43. This person is super-agreeable.
44. This person makes all your dreams come true.
45. You overlook red flags.
46. You feel like you're in a trance.
47. You stop doing things you used to enjoy doing. 
48. This person does things that confuse you.
49. This person has the relationship on their own terms.
50. This person asks you to send them photos of yourself via text. (Warning! User!)
51. This person makes comments like, "You are going to fall in love with me."
52. This person tells you that they got over their ex easily.
53. This person will usually talk badly about their exes.
54. This person may be very materialistic and into external show of status.
55. This person acts like they have everything going for them, while staying home and playing video games.
56. This person says they are doing things that don't make sense or are unrealistic. (Like earning 1 Million in commission on a deal they are working, or starting a major internet enterprise that will take over Facebook some day.)
57. This person will be focused on details about themselves and share it with you ad nauseum. 
58. This person may seem overly focused on you at first. Don't fall for it!
59. This person will either have been neglected as a child, or treated like a star (both are abusive and lead to narcissism).
60. Some narcissists will put you down and try to make you feel inferior. 
61. Some narcissists will use intermittent reinforcement early-on to make you feel insecure. 
62. The narcissist will not be willing to meet many of your needs. Only the bare essentials to keep you in the clouds--in what I call the "Narcissistic Trance."
63. You will need to make up for their inadequacies in some way... (Like they can't take you out because they haven't hit the big time yet with their internet company, so you'll have to stay home and eat sandwiches or pay for the date yourself.)
64. You may feel a desire to lend them money, clean their place, help them get their life on track.
65. For some reason you still feel like you love this person, even when they're being a jerk.
66. You find yourself making excuses for this person's inconsistencies. 
67. This person tells you who they are with little hints that you ignore. 
68. You have tunnel vision and believe this person is the last chance you will ever have to be loved.
69. You have magical thinking and believe you can change this person to be who you want.
70. This person is extremely attractive and he or she knows it.
71. This person spends an inordinate amount of time making themselves look good.
72. This person cares more about image than about substance. 
73. This person seems to take pleasure in saying things that are hurtful to you.
74. This person says often things to make you feel possessive or jealous.
75. This person acts one way one day and completely different the next day.
76. This person runs away whenever you start getting close.
77. You feel like this person is doing you a favor by being with you.
78. You feel like this person is too good for you.
79. This person makes comments that make you doubt your own truth and your own reality.
80. This person uses abuse tactics such as withholding, gas-lighting, invalidating, lying, mimicry, to get you off balance.
81. This person likely boasts about themselves alot.
82. This person cannot tolerate criticism. 
83. This person will kick you when you are down.
84. This person makes promises but does not deliver.
85. Makes you angry, then blames you for lashing out. 
86. Tells you that you're being "overly emotional" or "too sensitive."
87. Projects their negative attributes onto other people. 
88. Treats wait staff and other "underlings" like trash.
89. Talks badly about others and gossips frequently.
90. This person doesn't talk about feelings and won't share his or her feelings. 
91. This person creates an itch that you can never scratch.
92. Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
93. The narcissist refuses to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
94. This person may hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. They may also be big into fund raising or church / religion.
95. This person does not seem to respect, appreciate or have concern for your feelings.
96. A narcissist can take you or leave you.
97. A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them
98. Some narcissists will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
99. A narcissist will fish for compliments. 
100. A narcissist will drop you if you set boundaries, limits and assert your needs.

As we often say when pontificating about Assholes™, the great paradox of self-awareness is that those who worry most about whether they’re bothering other people mainly bother themselves, and those who don’t worry at all are a huge bother to anyone unlucky enough to cross their path. You can find a happy medium, however, by using reasonable tools for managing your social behavior, like keeping things friendly and superficial and pursuing goals you’ve defined for yourself. Trust in your own rules of etiquette, pursue your social goals, and you will find the sweet spot between obsessive and oblivious.

-Dr. Lastname

A Good Person vs. A Narcissist

Are you someone who has been abused by a malignant narcissist? If so, then you may need a little help in discerning who is good for you, and who will only use and discard you.

A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.

The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:

1. Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
2. Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
3. Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.

You have to know how to walk away. Be willing to stand for what you want over wanting to keep the relationship going. You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship with any person. You have to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that is not nourishing to you. Your dignity must be non-negotiable or you will stay where you are forever and never find and receive the love you deserve. The time is now to figure out what it is inside of you that is attracted to someone who can never give you the love you need and want.

Self Abandonment 

The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.

Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."

So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.

A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.

• Real people are NOT PERFECT. 
• Real people will show weakness.
• Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
• Real people may seem weak.
• Real people share real feelings.
• Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first. 
• Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
• Real people may be a little nervous and rickety. 
• Real people are terrible at playing games.

 A real person is the only type of person who can give you the love you need. If you have something skewed internally, as in, a negative core belief that you are worthless, then you may not be able to receive the real, unconditional love that a real person has to offer. Herein lies your work. Learning to overcome negative core beliefs with the truth of who you are. Learning to let real love in by first loving yourself. Staying present with yourself and unlearning the behaviors and patterns that keep you trapped in the unhealthy trance of loving the narcissist who can never love you back. Learn to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself against narcissists in the future.

Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.

Good luck! 

JLR

5 Steps for Protecting Yourself From Future Narcissists

It is not always easy to recognize a narcissist. This is because the narcissist is very charming and flattering and seems to be everything you want in another person at first. When you are swept up in the narcissists lair, you are like a mouse with a lot of cheese in a mouse trap. You just can't resist until the trap snaps and you're caught.

Narcissists are especially adept at picking up on cues that you need something. Perhaps you have unmet needs left over from childhood. Maybe you feel insecure, unworthy, unlovable, or like something is wrong. The narcissist picks up on this and begins to feed you in the ways that you need. He gives you compliments about things you were uncertain about before. He seems to hang on your every word--which really fills your need for attention. She makes you feel she values you, which helps you to feel like a valuable person. When the narcissist is idealizing you, it feels euphoric. It can literally make you high because of the chemical hormones your body secretes.

This feeling of getting your needs met it very short lived. Eventually the narcissist will discard you and it will erase everything. Not only will you be left with the pain of the original feelings of insecurity, but you will be left with the pain that while you thought you were valuable when he or she was loving you, all that was not true. Hence, you are wounded a thousand times and the hurt is very deep.

You must protect yourself from this happening again. I can't promise you it won't happen, but I promise you that you'll get wiser during this process.

Step 1: Face Reality

The first part of healing from the narcissist is to face reality. This is hard to do, but it is the ultimate necessity for getting out of the Sweet / Mean Cycle Trap. Read this article to learn more about Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You.

Step 2: No Contact

The only way to deal with a malignant narcissist is NO CONTACT.  No contact means NO CONTACT. This means remove the narcissist and all their fawns from your social media accounts. Forget his phone number. Block him from your life 100%. No exceptions. Every time you engage with the narc, he gets an ego boost and you get stabbed in the heart. Put a stop to this immediately. If you contact the narcissist or allow contact, you are the one who is hurting yourself. Stop that.

Step 3: Get Help for Your Issues 
There is a reason you fell for a narcissist. Chances are, you have a narcissistic parent or you're codependent or in some way maligned from childhood development. Maybe you were abused as a child or were raised in a dysfunctional family? Whatever the case, now is the time to get some help for whatever ails you. Seek out a quality therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse. Unless you get help for the parts of you that weakens you to the narcissist's manipulation, you will be prone to fall for another narcissist and get hurt all over again.
 
Step 4: Fortify Yourself

Now is the time to fortify yourself. This means you need to build ego-strength. You need to fill in the holes within yourself that make you susceptible to the narcissist's abuse and manipulation. You need to become whole in yourself so that you don't need anything that the narc tries to provide. This means you have strong boundaries and you know how to set limits. This means you know how to assert your needs and expect to get your needs met. A whole person does not easily fall for the narcissist.

Step 4: Get in Tune with Your Intuition

Your intuition will tell you who is right and who is wrong. Unfortunately, many of us ignore our intuition completely. If you had difficulties growing up, you may have an intuition that is off the mark. You need to get really strong at paying attention to your inner feelings and instincts as these are a protection against unscrupulous users.

Step 5: Learn to Discern Real From Fake

Real love is sustaining. When someone really cares about you, there are certain words they use, things they say, things they do that make them real. The real person is not perfect... does not say everything just how you want to hear it. The real person will show weaknesses--the fake person will hide weaknesses and show you only what you want to see. Learn to appreciate the realness of others and gravitate to people who are capable of real unconditional love and empathy.

There you have it. The five steps. There is lots involved with these 5 steps, perhaps I'll do a video and more articles on this topic. Would love to hear from you if this article is helpful, or if you have other questions. Follow us on Facebook. Join our Facebook Group and love yourself more every day.

~ Jenna

Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You

One of the most difficult things about being abused by a malignant narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that the person never really loved you or even cared about you at all. Even though this is difficult, it is something you must face courageously, as thinking that they have real feelings will only lead you into a trap. It is only when you face the truth that you can get out of the trap, no matter how hard the truth is to accept.

Idealization / Discard

When you're in love with a malignant narcissist, you are not in love with a real person; you're in love with the illusion that the narcissist created for you. The narcissist puts on a front and acts like everything you want and need them to be until--SURPRISE!!! The narcissist gets you where he or she wants you, then changes into a completely different person... cold, dismissive, hateful, mean, deceitful and unloving. It is quite shocking. It knocks you off balance. This is precisely what the narcissist wants. It is during the "discard" stage that the narcissist starts taking the narcissistic supply that he or she has been grooming you to give.

The narcissist will set you up. Make you think he or she is everything you want, then drop you like a piece of trash. This is well documented all over the internet. I recommend you look it up because I am not going to explain it in detail here... I'm going to talk about how to deal with it instead.

This is called the sweet/mean cycle, or technically, intermittent reinforcement. This is a manipulative tactic that the narcissist performs instinctively, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing what they're doing. Some narcissists are blatant about it, other narcissists show their mean cycle covertly, subtly so that you can barely tell what's going on, but you know you feel awful.

Intermittent reinforcement does a number on you psychologically. You never know if the person is going to be an asshole, or nice to you. This process causes addiction to set in, just like a slot machine. You literally become addicted to putting a coin in the narcissists slot to see what you're going to get back. Unfortunately, there is no jackpot. You will always, always, always lose... until you learn to let go and forget about them.

All the while you thought your dreams were coming true, but in reality, you were being groomed to give attention to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes everything you want so that you will pine for him or her long after their gone. Your begging, pining, longing and inability to let go feeds the narcissist like a shot of heroin feeds the addict. 

• No, the narcissist doesn't care how you feel.
• No, the narcissist doesn't feel badly for what he or she did to you.
• No, the narcissist doesn't think about you and your good times together.
• No, the narcissist is not impressed by how good you look.
• No, the narcissist is not thinking about you.
• No, the narcissist does not feel guilty.

What does the narcissist feel about you once you're in the discard stage? Ha. It's not pretty...

• This feels good that he or she is calling me and begging me to care.
• I can't believe this weakling really thought someone as great as me would want to be with him.
• Ha ha ha, she's calling again. I'm so glad I have something she wants. I'm not giving it to her.
• I can't wait to meet another man... in fact, there's a man right there.
• Who? I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
• This feels good that someone I think is a piece of shit is calling me all the time. I'm so wonderful.
• I've got him where I want him.  

Allow Yourself to Feel

When the narcissist hurts you and leaves you, you must allow yourself to feel the sadness. Move through the sadness by allowing yourself to express it. Then, nurture yourself through the process, reminding yourself that the person does not know how to love, cannot treat you right and that the person is bad for you. Dangerous for you. It's important to feel and express your feelings--but NEVER to the narcissist. Sharing how you feel with the narcissist is like feeding a shark blood. It will make them happy and it will make them despise you all the more. Share with a therapist or a trusted friend. Allow yourself to grieve your loss... loving yourself the whole way.

The Vampire is Back!

Now, sometimes it gets confusing because the Narcissist may come back to you. This is because the narcissist always returns to their victims to reopen the wound and seek more secondary narcissistic supply. Rest assured, the narc already has another man or woman on the side that he or she is grooming, but just coming back to you to get you whirling around again in their trap. This process can go on for years. In order to protect yourself, you've got to quit believing that the narcissist thinks like you, has a heart like you, and really cares like you. You have to take care of yourself and let go of the black hole of a heart that is the narcissist.

Evil. Pure evil. It's a travesty to love for someone to use your love like a knife against you.  I'm sorry if you're going through this. I know how badly it hurts, but you've got to be strong and let go. Walk away and never, ever, ever look back. I want to talk about how to take care of yourself when this happens. The first thing you must do when you realize you're in love with a narcissist who has discarded you is to realize that the person you thought cared about you doesn't really exist. It is in facing this fact that you can begin to see things as they are. Face reality as soon as you can. No matter how bad it hurts, once you face this fact, it becomes easier every day to let go.

It's hard to believe that someone who was so perfect and awesome to you... someone who seemed to worship the ground you walked on... someone who was so compatible, giving, loving, caring... someone who showed you in so many ways that they truly needed and cared for you... that this person no longer feels like this. I know how hard it is to face that the person you thought you knew is gone. He never really existed.

She only became who you needed to win you over. She faked her display of feelings for you. She mirrored you in order to get into your heart. She has no feelings other than feelings for herself. She is incapable of love, incapable of empathy. She has no guilt, remorse or feelings for you AT ALL. All you are to the narcissist is an object to be used. All you are to the narcissist is a tub of narcissistic supply. Someone to whine and cry and want her back. She doesn't feel for you when you are in pain. In fact, the malignant narcissist actually enjoys hurting you. Every time you hurt and share your hurt with her, she gets a self-esteem boost. She is sadistic, evil and off to her next victim while you're left in shock, hurting, pining and longing for what you had. It's so hurtful! There is nothing you can do.

All you can do is let go and let go now. The sooner you face the truth, the sooner you can let go and begin to protect yourself from falling for a narcissist in the future. Read my article 5 Steps for Protecting Yourself Against Narcissists.

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Photo by Lennie Sparrow - Deviant Art

Narcissists feel like other people are an extension of themselves. This is why the narcissist tries to thwart the sense of self in his or her victim. It is easier to control and exploit one who has no boundaries. Generally, a person with no boundaries was raised by those who are narcissistic. A person with a strong sense of self has strong boundaries that render him or her immune to the narcissist.

Here are tactics that malignant narcissists uses to de-self their victims. Please note: Not all narcissists do everything on this list. Toxic people may only practice 1/2 of these abusive tactics. Some narcs are covert, others are more obvious. There are also different levels of narcissism from healthy narcissim to malignant narcissism.  

It is the malignant narcissist that hurts the most. These are people who have no empathy and who try to gain power and control over others. They have no feeling for anyone but themselves. The cannot love. They do not care about anyone. People in their lives are merely a source of narcissistic supply--objects to be exploited. Malignant narcissists will cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. These are sadistic people who enjoy hurting others and will do anything to maintain their image. These harmful people were likely abused as children either from neglect or over-indulgence. There is no cure for narcissism because most types of narcissists are too self inflated to admit he or she has a problem. Other types of narcissists may secretly believe they are healthy, even if they feign problems. It's all an act to get narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists get self esteem externally from the power that the steal from others. Narcissists feed off the attention of others. When a narcissist upsets you, he or she enjoys your anguish. When a narcissist tricks you and steals your power (if you don't have boundaries and if you're not grounded), the narcissist feels a rush of self esteem. These people are dangerous and cannot easily be cured so it's best to get away.

Invalidation - Disagreeing with one’s thoughts, feelings and/or beliefs. 

Mimicking - Mirroring your likes and behavior in effort to ingratiate themselves to you. This is part of the idealization phase, but can also continue after the narcissist has discarded you.

One-Upping - Trying to maintain a higher status and putting the victim beneath the narcissist.

Gas Lighting - This is an abuse tactic that makes the victim feel crazy.

Blaming - Blaming external sources for their internal mistakes. 

Psychological Attack - This sometimes blatant and other times subtle tactic causes the victim to become upset and need to defend herself. This defending then turns into an argument where the victim is blamed and is also caught up in the situation, thus taken off balance.

Minimizing - The narcissist will minimize the effect of their behavior or abuse.

Control Tactics - Using covert or overt measures to get the victim to do what the narcissist wants her to do.

Golden Handcuffs - Holding financial or other resources over the head of the victim to keep him in line.

Manipulation - Trying to control another person by using psychological methods such as providing selective information, lying, gaslighting, minimizing or other tactics on this list.

Lying - The narcissist and psychopath will lie easily to support their manipulations and achieve their desired result. When caught in a lie they will not back down.  

Planting Seeds - Trying to control you through the power of suggestion. (I made this one up myself.)

Comparison - Comparing you to others by making comments of their strengths in light of your weaknesses.

Pulling the Rug - Building up your expectations, then “pulling the rug out from under you.” Not giving what was implied or expected.

Idealization/Devaluation - Building you up, then tearing you down. Devaluation most often involves abandonment. The narcissist idealizes you, then discards you without a care.

Creating Triangles - The narcissist creates triangles by gossiping and/or sharing personal and private information with others that was given by the victim in confidence. Narcissists have elaborate ways of creating triangles and causing conflict between groups of people. The goal is to make the victim feel alienated and to garner support of others, which abuses the victim by proxy.

Isolation / Alienation - Manipulating the victim into believing that he or she is the only source for the person to turn to. Criticizing other people in the victim’s life to the extent that the victim believes that the narcissist is the only one of value that he or she can count on.

Subtle Ignoring - Sending the message that the victim is not worth listening to by ignoring… Checking phone while the victim is talking, not responding to texts, glossing over concerns.

What the narcissist wants is to control you and keep your focus on themselves. When you are off-balance and you’ve been kept off-balance for years, this keeps the narcissist in control of you. When you are out of touch with your truth, with your true needs and wants, you are very easy to manipulate and exploit.

The answer to these abusive tactics is to fortify your sense of self through a variety of means, such as:

• Getting in touch with your inner truth - Feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
• Awareness of who you are and what you want and need.
• Staying grounded in your own physical body.  
• Staying grounded in your own emotional truth.
• Calibrating your intuition. Learning to trust your gut.
• Understanding of an equal and reciprocal relationship.
• Setting boundaries and limits against manipulation and abusive behavior.
• Expecting reciprocation of needs to be met.
• Refusing to allow the narcissist to gloss over abuse in past or present.
• Avoiding abusive people.
• Confronting abusive behavior.
• Staying focused on your highest good.
• Dealing with your own feelings of shame, worthlessness, etc…

If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, then you are someone who needs to fortify your sense of self and create a more solid sense of who you are. Your identity can be shaken to the core by toxic people and it’s up to you to know who you are and define your own values. The key to surviving narcissistic abuse is to validate yourself and set boundaries against manipulation. You must also be willing to advocate for your own highest good and to get your needs met.

Good luck.