Narcissists Cannot Validate Consistently

Invalidation is one of the central methods of covert narcissistic abuse. The Narcissist simply CANNOT validate anyone consistently. For the Narcissist to validate your personal truth would be for you to cease being an object; and cease being an extension of themselves. You see, Narcissists see others as objects to be used for their own benefit, not as individual beings. If they validate your truth, it will mean that they themselves do not exist. It is only by pathologically turning others into objects to use and exploit that they experience any sense of self.

Please see my article on Validating Your Truth here.

A Narcissist is programmed (due to developmental trauma) to knock you over, kick you off center, cause you to be confused and not know who you are without them telling you who you are. Also, if the Narcissist were to validate you, then you would be strengthened enough to realize what it is that they're doing. They simply cannot support you in connecting to your own truth because doing so would strengthen your identity (ego) and make you immune to their manipulations.

The child of the narcissist is hurt the most by the invalidation of these predators because the child never gets to learn who they are because the narcissist refuses to mirror the child's truth back to him or her, because doing so would mean that their child is an individual--and that's appalling to the narcissist who wishes to use their offspring as an object, source of narcissistic supply, and an extension of themselves to exploit as they so desire. The child of the narcissist will only be validated when doing so butters them up for later abuse by their mentally disordered parent.

Narcissists invalidate constantly, in fact, invalidation is at the root of almost every form of narc abuse:

• Gas Lighting - Abuse tactic to get you to question your own sanity (truth). This tact occurs in myriad ways; the end result is the questioning of ones own experience and feelings.
• Intermittent Reinforcement - Hot and cold treatment leaves victim confused and bewildered. When in the throws of the high times with the narcissist, one is happier than ever, then when the narcissist shows their bad side, it causes one to feel lower than ever. All this is done to confuse, entrap and disorient the victim so that he or she will be less likely to recognize exploitive behavior on the part of the narc.
• Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a covert form of narcissistic abuse that also includes tactics such as ignoring, relegating to text contact, or any other form of subtle disrespect that is an attempt to punish you for not going along with the narcissists abuse--or offending the narcissist in any way. The Silent Treatment is a giant energy suck because it causes the victim to obsess over the reasons for the silence, and to reverse the energy by trying to get the narc's attention. The Silent Treatment is a covert psychological ambush that renders the victim more likely to be open to invalidation later when the nice narc finally decides you're worth talking to.
• Mimicry - The narcissist mirrors people to make them feel flattered, loved and special, however, the narcissist does not love anyone and doesn't think anyone is special except him or herself. Mimicry is a fake process the narcissist uses to trick you into thinking that he or she cares, and thus causes you to trust, empathize-with and rely on the narcissist even more.

Narcissists will, however, validate you during the idealization stage--or else who would give them their energy? However, as soon as narcissists have taken what they want, or gained the sense of power and control they are seeking, they naturally morph into the invalidating role intermittently, of course, just to keep you from noticing their thievery.

It has been my experience that people who are unable to validate your truth are narcissistic, and potentially malignant narcissists--it all depends on where they fall on the continuum. Still, knowing that narcissists cannot validate your truth consistently is a good way to weed out the takers from the good people in your life who are capable of respect, intimacy and validation.

Feel it to Heal It

Don't be afraid of the pain. Avoiding the pain in your heart does nothing but delay the inevitable. You are stronger than you think you are, and the pain is not as devastating as you think it is. If you'll just take the time to sit with yourself, to nurture yourself through the pain, you will find the most beautiful truth that is banging on the door of your heart. The pain you feel is a knock. Knock. Knock. There is something you should know. Something that will help you overcome. Something brilliant, beautiful and true on the other side of pain. Don't run. Don't hide. Don't medicate. Just accept, love yourself and allow yourself to be. It's your thoughts about the pain that make it so scary. Change your thoughts and embrace where you are--and things that were once really hard for you will become your greatest triumphs. Jenna Ryan

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Confronting the Liars In Your Life

One of the most pivotal processes in recovery from codependency, narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma, depression or mental illness is to confront the lies in your life. Through therapy I learned that many things I believed about myself and others were untrue. It was only after I discovered the truth for myself that I was able to see things clearly. The truth is the healing balm for whatever ails your soul, this is true.

Today I want to discuss confronting lies on a more granular level. Confronting the liars around you. Confronting the lies that other people tell you. Most of the people who read my work are people who are hurting, who have been abused, used, harmed and hurt their whole lives. We are on a journey to recovery, a journey to finding ourselves... 

In the process of finding ourselves, we must discover who we are not. We must also analyze the intricate interactions of our lives to figure out where and how we are deviating from our own personal truth. Believing the lies of others, or going along with lies without question damages your integrity, leaves you open for exploitation and takes you off your path to your Highest Good.

Personally, I've been screwed over by liars and manipulative people. I've been abused, exploited and harmed repeatedly. Why? It's because of the child abuse I endured from age 0-7 years. I was not taught to protect myself against unscrupulous blood suckers. In fact, I was trained to PLEASE these vampires instead. Talk about inside/out, upside/down. It has taken me a long time to sort out the ways I make myself vulnerable to those who wish me no good.


How do Lies harm you?
Why do you believe the Lies?

What is a Lie?

A lie is a falsehood (the opposite of truth) that someone else uses in order to get something from you without you knowing it. A lie is NEVER GOOD. Any time you recognize that someone is lying to you, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to call them out so as to protect the integrity of your True Self.

Types of Lies

Lying is diverse. A lie can be anything...

• A promise to do something...
• Flattering you...
• Leaving out important facts...
• Telling you things that are not true about themselves...
• Faking empathy, compassion, care or concern...
• Alluding to the potential of meeting your needs...
• Making up stories...
• Being 2-faced...
• Sharing untruths about feelings...
• Saying they don't remember (selective memory)...
• Promising never to do it again...
• Not telling you who they were with...
• Leading you to believe they are one way when they are not...

 A lie is deception... yet, I've noticed a little nuance in my interactions with others... It seems that I tolerate and welcome lies from other people without question.

I was always taught not to confront others. As a child, I was taught that everyone else was right and I was wrong, which left no room for a lesson in assertiveness and confrontation when appropriate. Today, I noticed recently, that I tend to "go along with" lies that others tell me without stopping, trusting my truth and confronting the liar directly. Well, that's all about to change.

Healing and growth comes in spurts; for me, I've had to build myself up from utter demolition. Sometimes it takes granular work like this to lay hold of your personal truth and stand guard over it like a mother with her cubs. I am my own responsibility.

People will lie to you as long as you let them. If you don't confront another in their lies, their lies will continue. Some people don't play fair. They're all about power and control. People who are kind, compassionate, empathetic and naive falsely assume everyone is like they are... they can't fathom lying to gain advantage, so the thought that someone else would do it never crosses their minds. If you're a good person, you may not see what hits you--that's why good people like us need strong boundaries and assertive confrontation skills to keep our spirits from being thwarted by the lying serpents in our midst.

Not confronting a liar in your life can lead to DIRE CONSEQUENCES. Looking back on all the times I've been hurt by narcissists, emotional blackmailers and takers, I can see it all started with a series of lies. Had I taken a stand and confronted these people upfront, I would not have been so easily veered off the path of my personal truth.

Lies are meant to capture your attention and energies that should be moving toward your HIGHEST GOOD, and draw them for the sole benefit of the liar himself/herself. Lies are used because they work. It is relatively easy to tell a needy person everything he/she wants to hear and get them to forget who they are, where they're going and why they're here. If you want to protect yourself from abuse in the future, it's crucial that you start standing up to EVERY LIE you encounter. You cannot operate from your truth if you allow yourself to be corrupted by lies.

Who Lies to you?

Anyone can lie to you, in fact, I bet you can find lies all around you if you pay close attention. Get yourself a journal and start recording the lies you encounter from others day-to-day. Lies come from everywhere--especially if you never confront those who lie to you...

• Children
• Spouse
• Clerk at Store
• Date 
• Parents
• Siblings
• Best Friend
• Boyfriend/Girlfriend
• Neighbor
• Therapist
• Television
• Government
• Media 
• Church
• Cults 

You name it! People all around you may potentially lie to you or tell you something that has the potential to alter your behavior in their favor, all the while not intending to follow-through, or expecting you to require them to.  In the civil and criminal courts, this is Fraud.

I'm not trying to turn you against your loved-ones, I'm just trying to get you to confront any and all lies in your life because going along with those who lie to you is like living your Life in the False Lane (definitely a good title for an article).

Why Confront a Liar? 

Confronting a liar is a mental boundary that will help you to stay centered in your truth instead of lead astray from your highest good... If someone lies to you, that person is trying to put one over on you. It may be your child. This doesn't mean they are evil, it means they need to be confronted. You cannot allow people to lie to you no matter how difficult it is to confront the bullshit.

How to Confront a Liar

Liars come in all shapes and sizes. Not all liars are slithering serpents that Adam and Eve discovered in Eden. Some liars are your cuddle partners, your fiance and even your best friend! How do you confront these "little white lies" and omissions in your life? Here's a list of tips:

• Listen to what other people are telling you. 
• Clarify the statement when someone tells you they'll be doing something for you.
• Request confirmation of promises and facts.
• Ask questions around the lie (this lets them know you're not gonna fall for it). 
• Listen to your inner voice when it tells you not to believe what another is saying. 

Whatever you do, don't gloss over a lie and pretend you didn't notice it. These lies you gloss over form a giant clump from which you can be foisted from your self protective stance. A lot of lies can eventually topple you over completely. People can lie their way into your life, your bank accounts, your marriage and your bedroom. Put a stop to it as the keeper of your own soul. No more lies!

Why worry about the feelings of someone who is lying to you??? We must be much more concerned about the victim to the abusive lies, and that person is YOU. You are valuable and you deserve to be told the truth and you're not falling for bullshit lies.

• You're not trying to sell me anything? Hmmm... Are you sure you're telling me the truth?
• You're not going to Hawaii next month? Why did you tell me that you were?
• If I join this group I will make a lot of money? How much money? Is there a chance I won't?
• You didn't mean to allow your dog to bite me? Wow. This is a new habit your dog just learned?
• How much do they love you at work? Are you really a shareholder?

People who will lie to you are people who want something from you. Anytime you're considering a new relationship, or new transition, be on the lookout for liars. Liars prey on the needy--strong, independent people are not likely to fall for the lies of the liar. Only people who are weak and feel insecure about confronting lies will end up victims of exploitation from everywhere around them.

Start watching for lies, confronting lies and setting boundaries accordingly. Do not tolerate lies. Do not stay with someone who continues to lie and violates your boundaries. Stick with the truth so YOUR TRUTH can flourish and outshine on every lie.

Learn to Know to Your Truth

Deviating from your truth even for a millisecond can have dire consequences for your life. Your intuition, your gut, your truth, your voice... the one that may be muzzled, or silenced-- this is a voice you must learn to listen to. You must learn to heed what you feel at the core of who you are. Deviate from this truth, and you will end up lost, hurt, and in pain. Your truth will never lead you the wrong way. It always protects, always knows what it needs, always loves , if you will stay tuned in to your truth you will find clarity. Learn to recognize the voice of you inside. Learn to heed your own voice. Not the wounded voice of desperation, but the voice of wisdom and truth. That voice will lead you out and help you recover.

Michael Traveler: Hero

“Hero”

Little by Little ...
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out the secret in your eyes.
The fog clears a little each day.
Another sign revealed along the way.
One more mirror is broken.
One more illusion is gone.
And little by little,
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out what a twisted web you weave.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out how cleverly you deceive.
Each step convinces me too.
Another clue discovered in plain view.
The Power to stand on my own.
The Power I had all along.
And little by little,
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
You had me so long ago.
I thought I was nothing without you.
I was yours to control,
a puppet on your string,
dancing your tune.
But now I finally see
the Strength there is in me.
Yes, little by little,
I'm finding out the truth you left untold.
I'm finding out how much you have deceived.
I'm finding out the hero that lives in me.

~ poem "Hero" by Michael Traveler, author of MIRACLE ROAD

Emotional Tunnel Vision

Emotional Tunnel vision in my life is when you focus on one thing without considering all the options. It's an obsession of sorts, when you focus too heavily on one person, one love, one issue, one solution, one problem, one way out.

Tunnel vision is a way that you sabotage yourself by over focusing on one detail of whatever it is you're focused on to detriment of all the other potentialities. Over-focusing on one thing can cause you to make mistakes in judgment.

If you were mistreated or abused as a child, you may have the tendency to become over-involved, emotionally over-invested in people and outcomes that healthy people can easily get over. Children who are maltreated get triggered into "fight or flight" mode easily. When the human body is in fight or flight mode, the mind becomes intensely focused on the thing that is a potential source of danger. The brain doesn't give up this fight or flight mechanism easily. As an adult, you carry the wounds of childhood with you, and this can include becoming triggered and over concerned about things that are not in your control.

Tunnel vision is when you focus on things outside of your control in an obsessive-fashion, to the detriment of all your options. You feel like this or that HAS TO HAPPEN in order for you to feel good, safe or secure... so you focus all your energies on this one thing while forgetting who you really are, and many times forgetting what other things are really important to you.

Tunnel vision can be considered to be a cognitive bias as well, when one focuses only one the negative of the situation while ignoring all the positives. It is the process of focusing on only one thing instead of remaining open minded. Paying too much attention to the details of a scenario you want to happen in your life, while not considering the big picture.

In the legal world of the judge and jury, tunnel vision is said to distort the perception of the evidence. It's a term for when the legal system distorts the evidence to suit their original leanings.

It's important that you remove your defenses and to keep the big picture in view when dealing with your own life. You don't want to limit yourself by thinking, feeling and acting on limited data--you want to operate from reality--which includes a multitude of options.

Many times what we think HAS TO HAPPEN is not what life has in store for us. We don't know the future, we can't say definitively what is the best path for us. We have to trust that life is unfolding precisely the way that it should and take our minds off the obsessions of what we think needs to happen, and be open to all the things in the world that may be ours.

Tunnel vision can get you stuck, and lead you away from your Highest Good. Take a step back, a deep breath and a broad view if you want to experience all that life has to offer. There are many roads to happiness... let yours unfold naturally with your eyes wide open.

When Vision Becomes Tunnel Vision - Psychology Today

Sometimes our minds are limited to seeing and understanding what our greatest outcome can be so we become resistant to any other way than how we see it. When we let go of attachments to an outcome, we allow room for things to unfold far beyond what we could have ever imagined it to be. Let go and allow the best to flow. 

 

-Kat Zaghi

You Have Permission

Growing up the way I did, with a step-father who was a huge disciplinarian to the point of being abusive, I learned somehow that my lot in life was to be sad, bad and undeserving. I was conditioned to believe that I couldn't have fun, couldn't enjoy my life, couldn't embrace the totality of my vitality. He forced me to deny my pleasure, deny my wants, needs and anything that made me individual.

As an adult who is healing, I see that in many ways I've carried this abusive, punishing parental figure with me in my heart. This voice I cannot hear, but that underlies my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. This voice tells me that it's not okay to be happy. It's not okay to be equal. It's not okay to enjoy life. It's not okay to be who I am. This critical voice tells me that it's not okay to shine. Not okay to experience my truth.

While soul searching I found the root of this voice, the one that tells me that I deserve to be punished, that I am unworthy and incapable of complete fulfillment. I discovered that beneath the lies that I was taught to believe about myself there is a core of pure love--the source of my existence. This pure love, this source, this truth of who I am was not thwarted by the false teachings. This truth of who I am was only silenced for a time, but it is still alive and well. This is my personal power. Now that I am aware, I can tap into this truth and experience it in some ways for the first time.

The truth is that I AM WORTHY. I am pure love. I am valuable. I am capable. I am competent. I am equal to the rest of humanity. I am able to experience pure joy and pure bliss. I am able to tap into this truth of who I am and allow every part of me to live fully and experience this truth that is me.

I have permission from my truth, this source of my existence to be who I am. All I need to do is realize it. The punishing father taught me to deny my truth, to deny my right to completeness. Though I was taught to deny my essence, today I have the power and authority to override the negative voices and give myself permission to be who I am. Today I give myself permission to be happy, to live fully and to be equal. You can too.

Part II: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

This is a continuation of Part I: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion.

First, let me say, that a huge part of rising above negative emotion is to feel your frozen feelings. You must allow yourself to feel all the repressed feelings that you hold inside from degrees of abuse you experienced as a child. Once you've completed that process, you will come to a place where you're ready to take the next step in rising above the negative feelings you hold in your heart.

The next step in rising above negative emotion requires that you do the following:

Separate from the Negative Emotion

You must see yourself as who you really are, who you were meant to be, and you must see the negative emotion for what it really is. Negative emotion is a part of you that believed a lie that is contrary to your divine truth. Negative emotion is felt when your beliefs are out of alignment with the truth of who you are.  

Negative emotion is NOT YOU. It may FEEL like you, you may have thought that it was you, but it is NOT YOU. It has nothing to do with you, it is separate from you. It is false, it is something that is "out-there," not "in-here." Once you start depersonalizing the emotion, you can start to separate those parts of you that are true, from the parts of you that are false, not yours and that need to be disposed of little-by-little.

The Truth is... You are love, you are accepted, you are wanted, you are love. Any time you hold a belief that you are anything less than the divine soul that you are, you feel negative emotion. You feel badly. These negative emotions are energy-in-motion which send vibrations out into the universe and return to you more of the same, thus proof that you are right in feeling badly. It's a vicious cycle that must be stopped if you ever want to move ahead in your life and rise above it.

1. Know Who You Are
2. Know Who You're Not
3. Stop Taking Negative Emotion Personally

Stop Taking Your Bad Feelings So Personally 

If you're like me, you have feelings of negative emotion and immediately associate those bad feelings with who you are as a person. This is the epitome of feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, low self esteem. These feelings would dwell in my heart and cause all sorts of thoughts to crop up about why I wasn't good enough, less than others, undeserving of the goodness that life has to offer. It was a spiral. I took every negative, sad, depressing, hopeless, shameful thought directly to heart. I believed what my emotions were saying about me as if it were my truth.

I've since learned to call a spade a spade. No longer do I incorporate bad feelings into my truth. I see bad feelings as something that is separate from me, and I do not allow it to touch my feelings of self worth and value. Just because I have a bad emotion doesn't mean that I am a bad person. Just because I have bad thoughts about my worth and value doesn't mean I have to act on those thoughts or believe those thoughts. I can stop myself in the midst of a spiral of negative emotion and subsequent negative thoughts and begin the process of fighting for my truth.

What a breakthrough!!! When you can stop yourself in the places that typically cripple your heart, crush you, cause you to fall back, sabotage yourself and beat-yourself-up, and you can begin taking a stand for your truth by arguing with the negative thoughts, thus changing your very opinion of the situation... That's when you start reprogramming your mind to believe new things about yourself. Whatever you believe about yourself is what you manifest in your life. You get what you feel you deserve.

When you reprogram your thought processes, rethink your thoughts, you cause new feelings and emotions to emerge. These new emotional vibrations are more empowering and beneficial to you and will bring the equivalent match into your life in terms of success and the things you want. These new thoughts, feelings, emotions (vibrations) will spur actions in you that are in alignment with the truth of who you are, not who you falsely thought you were to be. It's a beautiful process!!!

Once you recognize the negative emotion, realize that the negative emotion is NOT YOU, but actually the epitome of what YOU'RE NOT, which is why it feels badly, you will then understand that the negative emotion is separate and can be dealt with when you're operating from a place of knowing your truth. Your truth is that you are good, you are love and the world is on your side. You are a co-creator on earth with God. You have power to overcome situations. Your thoughts matter. You get in your life what you believe you deserve AND you have power to change your beliefs.

That's all for now... More next time on taming the negative emotions and bridging the gap to attaining higher level feelings more in alignment with your divine truth. Stay tuned!!! XO

Why Do We Hold Onto Self Hatred That's Not Ours?

Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don't know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to "what we deserve". Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person's hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.  The Patterns of Self Loathing

You Already Are...

YOU ALREADY ARE the person it takes to achieve your goals. You just need to remove everything in your mind that tells you your not. Remove all resistance. Remove all doubt. Stop thinking habitual thoughts of failure. Allow your brilliant self to shine. Allow your Higher Self to align with truth. Allow yourself to receive the blessings. Get out of your own way. Visualize yourself as you truly are--a baller, shot-caller, today, this moment, right NOW.

You Create Your Own Reality

If you don't know that you are the creator of your own reality, that you are the director (and actor) in your own personal movie called "Your Life, then you go into default, where life just gives you the negative crap you think about.

How to Secure Your Insecurities

The source of insecurities are negative, false beliefs that you hold about yourself that are contrary to your true essence.

Insecurities are tied to False Beliefs,
False Beliefs are tied to Conditioning,
False Beliefs are false because it is contrary to your true essence.

Any childhood messaging or learning that contradicts the truth of your essence--that you are pure love, valuable and incomparable in worth, and a powerful co-creator of life on this planet--causes pain and dysfunction in adulthood.

Anything you believe that is contrary to the truth that you are love, lovable and loving causes pain and dysfunction. The key to healing your insecurities is to encounter the true essence of who you really are. The reason your insecurities exist is because you question your own value. When you realize who you are, when you know who you are, your insecurities melt away like ice in the warm sun.

Insecurities are evident to those around you. When your insecurities are evident, it causes one to feel shame. No one wants to be seen as not believing they are worthy. Everyone puts on a fake mask of pretending to feel something that they do not feel.

Insecurities call for you to make up for your deficiencies to others. One way you try to make up for those places in which your personal worth is in question is via proving yourself to the world, and with people-pleasing behavior.

Your insecurities represent your internal beliefs, those core beliefs which you've determined your own individual worth as a person. These core beliefs are wrapped in layers of fear that the world will find out the truth--that you are in fact worthless and you know it. When this fear is triggered, the insecurity works overtime keeping the truth from yourself and everyone else.

You cannot hide insecurities. Insecurities show loud and clear to those who are not insecure. Insecurities drive much of our activity, including social media and blogging!!!

No one is completely secure. The only security is in knowing who you really are, without having to add anything or change anything about your true essence. Our culture does not raise children to be aware of their essence. Child rearing customs assault the child's security of knowing who they really are and the power that they hold to effect the world in lieu of compliance and conformity. Children today learn that their value is in following the rules and dictates of their parents, not in discovering their true powerful essence.

The key to securing your insecurities is to dig deep into yourself to find out what wires are crossed. Find out what lies you believed that are contrary to the truth that you are divine. The key to finding out where the lies are, since such core beliefs are embedded in the unconscious, is to look at your current dysfunction.

• What makes you run and hide?
• What makes you take a drink?
• What makes you addicted to that man or woman?
• What makes you check out?
• What makes you want to smoke?
• What makes you cry?

Your daily behavior reflects your core beliefs more than many realize. In order to get beyond negative core beliefs and to replace those beliefs with truth, you must do the work of figuring yourself out. Find out what you're believing about yourself that is untrue. Be fearless in your searching inventory of yourself. Don't allow yourself to hide and cower from the truth of reality, the truth of how you really feel. Ask questions, wait for the answers. You are powerful, more powerful than you know.
 

 

Do You Believe in Santa Clause?

I don't have children, but I love them madly. They easily believe everything you tell them. My girlfriend today was telling me about her beautiful 4 year old son. He's doing the Elf on a Shelf thing. She said she thought she would hate it, but he said that all the other kids in pre-school had it, so she ended up caving in. Anyway, so this elf does all these miraculous things each night. Last night, for example, her son planted jelly beans. In the morning these jelly beans were to turn into candy canes.

The next morning her son Jake (name changed) woke up and said, MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! THE JELLY BEANS TURNED TO CANDY CANES!!! His expression was with wild abandon, amazement and complete certainty. Kids believe things. They believe what we tell them. Kids are amazing with their fabulous imaginations.

That struck me as profound. I thought back to myself as a 5 year old child, so impressionable in the hands of a tyrant. I'm not saying this so you'll feel sorry for me. I'm saying this because I want you to understand, as I am understanding, the power of belief. Anyway, I was thinking, WOW. If a child is THAT impressionable. If a child believes crazy things THAT easily, what crazy things did I accept as true as a little 4 and 5 year old???

Hmmmmmm...

I'm on a mission to discover all the lies in my heart that I've swallowed about my worth and my value. I know that somewhere inside of me there is something that is still not 100%. I want to find that place and do the work to heal it for once and for all...

Thus, I'm always on the lookout for insight. Ways to discover where the belief or beliefs first started, and ways to convince my logical brain of the fallacy of the conclusion. Our brains are just like computers, you know. If we can locate the bad programming, we can reprogram that part of our brains with the truth. Our brains are plastic (able to learn later in life) and we are capable of reprogramming parts of our minds that are thinking wrongly. I personally have made amazing progress...

So when my friend mentioned this situation with her adorable son, I started thinking of myself as a 4 or 5 year old. How impressionable I was. How mean my step father was. How his actions and words were such strong messages of my lack of value and worth as a person. I think about how I gulped down his interpretation of me completely, without any doubt. That's what children do!

Then I think about today. How I am able to make more informed decisions. I can re-believe those things that I once accepted as permanent. I am flexible. I am open. I am growing, and hopefully, with a little acceptance, time, patience and work, I can rethink the math. I can rethink the solution.

Hmmmmmmm....

Maybe he WAS wrong...

Maybe I believed a LIE...

Maybe I can think that through...

Maybe there is no Santa Clause...

Longing for You

This is da truth!!! Some of us learned it when we were little. Some of us didn't. Some of us hide that yearning with addictions or distractions, some of us count on an outside force while bashing ourselves for not being good enough to get what we need. Then there are those of us who choose to face 100 Proof Reality. The deepest longings in your heart can only be met by YOU. We have to stop running, stop hiding, stop evading our responsibility to really, truly value ourselves no matter how painful it is to face the lies blocking our way. Behind the longing is your answer--and that answer is only within YOU. <3

I Do Not Like Green Eggs & Ham

I just had an epiphany as to what this book is really all about. This Dr. Seuss classic, "Green Eggs & Ham" symbolizes the right of every free human being to choose what they like or what they don't like. Growing up as a kid, I was unable to express my likes and my dislikes. I had to like everything that my stepfather gave to me, even if it was crumbs. I had to pretend to like stuff I really didn't like at all. When you grow up without owning your truth, your preferences, likes, wants and even needs get lost somewhere inside your own heart. You lose connection with yourself.

Part of my healing involves re-connecting with my inner truth. Figuring out my likes and dislikes, and being able to stand firm in my own feelings. It's not about caving to the desires of others, but about sticking to your own desires and learning to fight for your own happiness. Good parenting teaches a child that her desires are important. What she wants is important. She doesn't have to just "take what you give her and like it," but that she can ask for something else. She's allowed to protest. She's allowed to dislike.

It may sound simple to some people, but getting in touch with your likes and dislikes within the context of human relationship can be hard if you were not allowed to express your preferences in childhood. If you can't express what you like and what you do not, things get silly. You end up accepting things that are in nowise good for you, and you end up being hurt. A healthy person can assertively expresses when he doesn't like something and is able to stand by that conviction regardless of opposition.

Unfortunately, the book takes a turn for compliance in that the Cat ends up trying the Green Eggs and Ham and liking it. So the moral of the story is not the right to own up to your likes and dislikes, but rather, not to dislike something you've never tried. Oh well. For me and my life, I'll take the first half of the book. It's okay not to like something, it's okay to stick to your truth, it's okay to express your preferences. Be who you are and don't let anyone change you--unless you want to change.

I am Sam

I am Sam
Sam I am

That Sam-I-am
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am

Do you like
green eggs and ham

I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.

Would you like them
Here or there?

I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am

Would you like them
in a house?
Would you like them
with a mouse?

I do not like them
in a house.
I do not like them
with a mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.


Would you eat them
in a box?
Would you eat them
with a fox?

Not in a box.
Not with a fox.
Not in a house.
Not with a mouse.
I would not eat them here or there.
I would not eat them anywhere.
I would not eat green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
in a car?
Eat them! Eat them!
Here they are.

I woould not ,
could not,
in a car

You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
in a tree?
d not in a tree.
I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! You let me be.

I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox
I do not like them in a house
I do mot like them with a mouse
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you
on a train?

Not on a train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!
I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not eat them with a mouse
I will not eat them in a house.
I will not eat them here or there.
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.


Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I do not like them, Sam, you see.
Not in a house. Not in a box.
Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.
I will not eat them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere!

You do not like
green eggs and ham?

I do not
like them,
Sam-I-am.

Could you, would you,
with a goat?

I would not,
could not.
with a goat!

Would you, could you,
on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not eat them in the rain.
I will not eat them on a train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I will not eat them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like
green egss
and ham!

I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.

Your Highest Good

What is best for you is not always the most comfortable. What is best for you, in fact, sometimes hurts. No matter what, it's important to realize that life is guiding you to your Highest Good. It is up to you to follow that guidance, though many times we fight it.

Defining your Highest Good is not easy, and it's a concept that unfolds as you embrace it. The key is to embrace it and learn to trust that life is on your side. God is on your side. Events ARE ON YOUR SIDE. Everything that happens in your life is FOR YOUR BENEFIT, believe it or not. We're dwelling in a giant classroom. This planet is a college of sorts where we are learning to be who we are. We are learning techniques that takes us somewhere--where? I'm not ready to talk about that one yet. For now, let's examine your Highest Good.

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment like I did, it is difficult to ascertain that life is working out for your highest good. It's easy to become a victim. It's easy to blame others and situations for your negative outlook. Who can blame you? If you've been hurt, it's natural to withdraw. When you've been conditioned to expect bad things to occur, you may not have that sense of trust that things will work out for your good. You will expect the worst.

It's healthy to believe that things will work out for your highest good. People who are blessed to grow up in a healthy home environment naturally believe in their highest good. They EXPECT to get their needs met. They EXPECT to experience life in good terms. They have no doubt that things will work out and this belief becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

We get what we expect.

Trusting in your Highest Good is an exercise in gratitude. 

Your Highest Good is something you must learn to expect no matter how you were raised. It is in your power to rise above your original programming from your family origin. It's in your power to change your thoughts and your beliefs. You can start taking steps today to release yourself from a negative outlook and begin expecting life to turn out your way. It may take work and it may be challenging, but if you're dedicated, you can trust life to bring you more good than you've ever imagined.

What Happens When You Don't Trust Your Highest Good?

When you do not trust that things are working toward your highest good, it causes you to react to life with the expectation of failure. You see circumstances as strikes against you instead of opportunities for learning. You become ungrateful, instead of grateful for all things. You miss the lesson in the mistakes you make because you're too busy focusing on your dumb luck.

When you trust in your highest good, you can take the things that happen to you and turn them around for your benefit. If you experience a crappy relationship, you can use that experience as a lesson rather than a curse. You can swallow what happens to you as a step in the right direction--no matter what happens to you.

Trusting that you are being led to your highest good is liberating. It means that YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. It means that YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. It means that no matter what, you are heading in the right direction. Nothing can happen to you that you can't use for your journey; in fact, everything that happens to you is happening for a reason. You're either getting ahead, or you're learning for your next step.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28 This is a truth we can rely on. We can rely on God or our Higher Power to lead us and guide us to our Highest Good. Life is not against you. Life is for you. Things are not happening to you, no. You are WAY MORE IMPORTANT than that.

Knowing that life is for you, knowing that the universe is leading you to your Highest Good is liberating. It means you do not have to control. It means you do not have to manipulate or have an agenda. It means you don't need to sob or lose heart when someone walks out of your life. It means that good is right around the corner. You don't have to cling to today--you can let go and enjoy the ride. You can let go and look forward to tomorrow knowing that whatever happens--good or bad--will be in your best interest, and you can handle whatever comes your way.

You, my friend, are being divinely led whether you choose to realize it or not. You don't have to grab, cling, manipulate or control life. Everything outside of you is out of your control. All you and I must do is to TRUST LIFE to do what it needs to do to bring us where we're supposed to go. TRUST GOD to lead you and guide you and to take care of you--even if that means teaching you a lesson that hurts.
You are a valuable being--worth a lot. You are meant to be on this planet--you are not forgotten. You have a purpose on this earth, and that purpose will be worked out, if you relax and trust in your HIGHEST GOOD.

Do You Need Approval from Others?

When you need approval from others you are operating with an AGENDA in your relationships. Your need for approval blocks the path to true intimacy. If you want to have fulfilling relationships, then you need to already have approval within yourself before interacting with others. Trying to get approval at every turn is arduous, exhausting and selfish. You may not be intentionally hogging the show, after all, you are respecting the person enough to want their approval, but your hard work to win approval sucks the life out of everyone around you.

The truth is, you don't need anyone's approval. You just need your own. For some reason, when you're trying to get the approval of others, you've placed too much importance on them. You've projected your own personal need for your own approval onto them. You've given their opinion of your worth more value than you're own opinion of your worth when you're aiming to get their approval. No one needs to approve of you, but you.

We all engage in approval seeking behaviors. The more we try to get the approval of others, the more cut off we are from others. The less we feel we need the approval of others, the more mature we are, and the more capable we are of having healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. If you stop trying to get approval from others, you have time to stop and take notice of them. You can empathize with them, learn more about them, engage with them more deeply. No need to try to get your unmet dependency needs met as you go. Take care of your own stuff on your own time. When you're relating with others, keep your personal self worth needs off the table.

Worthiness Comes from Authentic Being

The only place worthiness can ever take place is within your own inner being, regardless of the conditions outside of you. We never have control of conditions outside ourselves. We only ever have control of our own beingness, and how that beingness is manifesting itself through us. (Melanie's words)

Any time you are acting in a way that is non-authentic to gain something that you need internally through external sources, you are insulting your soul and wounding yourself by validating core beliefs which are false and contrary to your true core essence which is source--divine love. (my words)

WOUNDING OCCURS WHEN YOU FAIL TO PERCEIVE YOUR TRUE WORTH AND TO ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR INNER TRUTH. THIS WOUNDING BEGINS IN CHILDHOOD, CONDITIONS ONE TO DO IT TO HIMSELF OR HERSELF UNTIL DEATH OR HEALING TAKES PLACE. (my words)

Healing of core false beliefs requires release of energy/emotion frozen, repressed, stuffed, dissociated, denied from original wound, and a realization of truth of your true inner nature. This is redemption. This is salvation. This is truth. Your truth recognized is evolution and is our purpose on this planet. Anything other than understanding the true essence of your true nature is a lie, is false and leads to perpetual wounding, insecurity and confusion; reliance on external sources and codependency. Anything that would block the understanding divine true love that dwells on the inside of you, the healing source that is with you all the time is that which is false, negative and damaging to your soul. (my words)

Notes & Revelations from Melanie's talk on manipulation

The False Self

The False Self.  I've come to understand the False Self as a part of yourself that tries to be something other than who you are in effort to gain acceptance and approval from others. This is the heart of codependence. When you're more concerned with what others think of you than following your own truth, you are codependent on outside input.

Another term for this condition is having an external locus of control. This state is very painful because one can never control the actions and reactions of others. If you're self-love and identity hinges on what others think, you're self worth fluctuates depending on whether you're accepted, rejected, approved or disregarded.

The False Self is the part of you that is playing a part. Your mask. It's the part that is trying to earn approval, to get love. The False Self cannot ever get love because true love flows from within, from your very essence. The False Self can only get false love which is conditional and leaves you feeling invisible and empty. ~ jlr 


_____

Sharing our wounded ego selves is sharing who we have created ourselves to be to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. There is no reality, no truth, no authenticity to our ego wounded self. Authentic connection is not possible from an inauthentic part of ourselves. No matter how much you may want the joy of authentic connection with your partner or others, it cannot occur until you authentically connect with yourself.

~ Dr. Marget Paul

Stop Judging Yourself

Self Judgment blinds the truth and magnifies weakness. Inner criticism promises protection, but keeps you from the healing waters of compassion. When will you let go of what you think you should be and accept the beauty of who you are?

Who is it that's judging? Who is it that's being judged? Who makes the rules? Who decides what's best for you? These questions need to be answered. Abolish the critic inside of your mind and release the compassionate guide, inner-parent, and allow God to be the lover of your soul.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Give yourself with the compassion as you would someone you love--some of us treat our own selves as an enemy. Release yourself from the restrictions of perfection. You will soar ever higher without criticism weighing you down.