You Have the Right to Be Understood

This sounds like a strange title for an article. Some of you may think it odd that I would even write such a simple sounding article that is so obvious it needs no explanation. Unfortunately, it's not as obvious to many people as it should be, which is sad.

What I didn't realize until I really went deep is that we all have the right to be understood.

Yes, you have the RIGHT to be understood. As a human being you NEED to be understood in order to experience fulfillment. Being understood is a need that you have and therefore, it's a right. You have a right to get all of your needs met. You have a right to ask others in your life to meet your needs--and they have a right to meet your needs or say no. You have a right to stay or go.

You have a right to require that the people in your life understand you, and if they do not, cannot or will not then you have the right to walk away. You could agree to disagree, but if that's something you choose, that is your right, not your obligation. You are not obligated to stay in any relationship with any person at any time unless you're in a committed relationship, even then you are free to go or stay.

You have the right to expect those who are in your life to understand your point of view and to come to logical conclusions about your life, your experiences, your opinions and your meanings.

In fact, it's okay to make sure the people closest to you understand you. If they don't, then that is a sign that your relationship is not equal and that your deepest needs are not being met. The need to be understood is a core dependency need. If you were understood as a child, you won't settle for anything less as an adult. It would feel weird as an adult to hang around people who don't understand you if you felt understood as a child. That's okay, you can make adjustments in your life to get the understanding you need now that you're an adult.

It is a human need to be understood, that is, to be seen and acknowledged and reconciled with others. If you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to understand you, or acts like they don't, then you may be in an unequal relationship where the other person is taking advantage of your unmet need and willingness to prove yourself as a form of control.

I'll explain. As a child, I never felt understood. Nobody believed that I was being abused. Those who knew I was being emotionally and physically battered and neglected never stood up for me. There was nothing they could do. As such, I grew up feeling greatly misunderstood. What I felt, what I knew to be true in reality did not match the output that was coming back to me from my family of origin.

I was gaslighted to the point that all my perceptions were skewed. I didn't know who I was. I couldn't understand my own thoughts and feelings. Other people told me how to feel and told me that how I felt was shameful. They taught me to abandon myself and follow their way to live. They deeply misunderstood me.  I never got the original developmental dependency need met in childhood, so I've been searching for understanding all this time, all the while feeling a sense that I would never be understood.

Then Eureka! I was doing some shame reduction work and I got a bit of light that shined down on this right that we all have to be understood in our relationships. Up until now, I tolerated people in my life who misunderstood me. I didn't know I had the right to expect anything other than that.

People who are disordered, such as narcissists can use your need (which is an empty hole in our hearts) against you. Let's say you never felt understood your whole life, then all you want as an adult is to be understood, and you may go out of your way trying to prove your truth to others--or worse, you may have just given up being understood all together and settled for a bunch of gaslighting from your closest relationships. That's painful. You may be entangled with a narcissist right now who will not understand you. If so, this article may shine some light for you.

Being understood is a major need of a person, therefore, you have the right to expect to be understood by others and to walk away if they refuse, argue or act confused. You don't have to stand around and be gaslighted into believing that you can remain equal when the other person refuses to acknowledge information right in front of their eyes--that is, your truth.

When people close to you refuse to understand you, it can be abusive. It makes you feel unseen and unheard and invisible. It is not meeting your most vital need to be understood. It is a subtle abuse tactic often used by the covert narcissist in order to one-up you and gaslight you. If you're not aware it's happening, you may feel confusing, misunderstood, wrong or toxic shamed. This is a dangerous place to be because it causes you to lose your sense of self and lose self esteem.

You deserve to have people around you who UNDERSTAND YOU. Don't tolerate people who make you feel like you're hard to understand or who refuse to own up to the facts right before them. You have a right to get your needs met by those who wish to remain in your life. You are precious and valuable! If people want your presence, then they need to honor your needs.

We have the right to be understood and to have our reality respected by others, but most importantly, we must vow to UNDERSTAND OURSELVES. We must understand ourselves and stand by ourselves today in the way we needed way back when. It is only when we learn to finally be there for ourselves that we can get our needs met by others.

It's fine if you want to keep people in your life who play games and misunderstand you, just don't let them close to your heart. Letting people mess with your cabeza detracts from your self worth. You deserve better. 

Narcissists Cannot Give One Drop - Takers

Shaming Should Statements

Shaming Should Statements:

• I should have gotten up and left.
• I should have said something to her.
• I should make more money.
• I should keep my car cleaner.
• I should organize my make-up.
• I should have stood up for myself.
• I should have set a boundary.

Better ways of self-talk...

- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.

- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.

- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.

- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.

- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.

- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.

- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.

Developmental Dependency Needs

All humans have needs starting from the womb to the grave. If the core needs of a person are not met in childhood, that person will develop neurosis (codependency) or character disorders (narcissism).

These core needs must be met by an attuned caretaker. These core needs must be met externally because a child is not able to meet their own needs. They need help. If the caretaker is undeveloped or did not get their own core needs met in childhood, then that caretaker is ill-equipped to meet the needs of the child. This causes generational passing down of issues that often go unresolved. People with unmet childhood dependency needs are emotionally stunted at the age in which their needs were not met.

If any of your Developmental Dependency Needs were not met in childhood, you will experience a core  wound of toxic shame. Toxic shame becomes your identity which causes a profound level of emotional pain.

The damage caused by lack of nurture in childhood is similar to a bug in a computer program. It effects all other developmental milestones for the child. A child who receives inadequate care will grow into adulthood with arrested development, immature emotional and mental processing and crippling emotional pain that impacts every area of his life. The good news is that you can be healed of your neediness by dealing with the shame and taking care of yourself.

As an adult you can help yourself heal from the wounds caused by childhood neglect and abandonment. The first step is recognizing that you have needs that did not get met. The second step is to reparent yourself by meeting as many of those needs as an adult.

Here is a list of developmental dependency needs:

• The need to be mirrored for who you truly are by your primary care taker.
• The need to have a secure attachment bond with your primary care taker.
• The need to be soothed by your primary caretaker.
• The need to be answered by your primary caretaker if you cried out as a baby.
• The need to know that your primary caretaker will protect you and take care of you.
• The need for food, shelter, warmth and mothering. 
• The need for love, affection and food.
• The need for adequate feeding, watering, nourishing.
• The need for adequate cleaning.
• The need for maternal warmth.
• The need to feel wanted, included and as though you belong. 
• The need to be seen for who you truly are. 
• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be understood.
• The need for eye contact, expression of positive emotions by caretakers or loved ones
• The need for cuddling.
• The need for the fostering of emotional security. 
• The need to feel special, cherished, important.
• The need to feel competent, capable, powerful. 
• The need for acceptance.
• The need to feel safe.
• The need to feel loved.

 The meeting of these developmental dependency needs helps a child develop and form secure attachments with caregivers. If these basic needs were not met for you properly as a child, then you will have difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult. The relationship you have with your primary caregiver in infancy forms your working model for all future relationships in your life. If you didn't get your needs met as a child, you will not be able to get your needs met as an adult, unless you heal and learn to meet your own needs.

These needs are most basic to a person's identity. If left unmet, these needs become wounds that generate toxic thoughts and feelings and turn yourself against yourself. If these needs are unmet, they will result in negative core beliefs, also called "schemas" about the self which effects every area of the person's life including mental functioning, emotions, relationships, work, play and physical health.

These developmental needs can be met in therapy by a trained therapist. You can also meet your own biological and social needs that were unmet in childhood as an adult through reparenting techniques, meditation, self-soothing and self-talk. Your spouse or partner can also help to meet some of your unmet childhood dependency needs.

A person who suffered abuse in childhood or any kind of dysfunctional childhood will likely have needs that went unmet. This is a problem that affects every walk of life. There are many hurting people with wounded hearts that we speak to and interact with every day. The best thing we can do is get ourselves healed so that we can be a light for others. 

Sources used for this article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependency_need
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw

Gaslight - Full Movie - Free on YouTube

Wow. This is a great movie!!! It's a great pictorial of the "Gaslighting Effect" common in emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths and other manipulative people. 

Quotes for Abuse Survivors & Abuse Recovery

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.” 

 ― Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals 

“In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is wonderful. It leads to increased intimacy and closer bonds. When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest. In an abusive system, vulnerability is dangerous. It’s considered a weakness, which acts as an invitation for more mistreatment. Abusive people feel a surge of power when they discover a weakness. They exploit it, using it to gain more power. Crying or complaining confirms that they’ve poked you in the right spot.” 

 ― Christina Enevoldsen, The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal 

“To deny someone‟s feelings or experiences it to literally deny their reality.” 

― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers 

“Because we were treated neglectfully and abusively in our young years—when we most needed self-love to be mirrored—it was difficult to hold onto…We take up the challenge of learning to love ourselves, through our highs & our lows, when we are finding acceptance from others and when we are being closed out and rejected.” 

 ― Maureen Brady, Beyond Survival: A Writing Journey for Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse 

“If someone is inconsiderate or rude to you, risk telling them how it made you feel or that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way. If you tend to talk yourself out of anger by telling yourself that you don’t want to make waves, try telling yourself instead that it is okay to make waves sometimes and risk letting people know how you really feel.”

― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself 

“As you recover, you will find yourself letting go of many of your negative beliefs. You will discover that many of the so-called truths you were raised with and forced to believe are not truths at all. With this perspective, you will come to see, for example, that the names you were called as a child are simply not true. You are not ‘stupid,’ ‘lazy,’ ‘ugly,’ or a ‘liar’. You can discover just who you really are. You can let go of your pretenses and masks and discover who the real person is underneath.”

― Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence 

“To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence.” 

― Andrei Lankov 

“I think this point is so important, I'm going to repeat it: You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.” 

― Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life 

 “when a child is ridiculed, shamed, hurt or ignored when she experiences and expresses a legitimate dependency need, she will later be inclined to attach those same affective tones to her dependency. Thus, she will experience her own (and perhaps others’) dependency as ridiculous, shameful, painful, or denied. 

 - Dependency in the Treatment of complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders 2001 Authors: Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis” ― Kathy Steele 

“After a victim is made to participate in an act of evil, the people in charge put a lot of energy into convincing the child or adult that he or she is evil and a perpetrator rather than a victim.” 

― Alison Miller, Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse  

“so often victims end up unnecessarily prolonging their abuse because they buy into the notion that their abuser must be coming from a wounded place and that only patient love and tolerance (and lots of misguided therapy) will help them heal.” 

― George K. Simon 


“One of the first steps in freeing yourself from a gaslighting relationship, then, is to acknowledge how unpleasant and hurtful you find this Emotional Apocalypse. If you hate being yelled at, you have the right to insist that yelling not be a part of your disagreements. Maybe some other woman wouldn't mind the loud voice, but you do. If that makes you sensitive, so be it. You have the right to set limits where you want them, not where some mythical other, "less sensitive" woman wants them.” 

― Robin Stern

“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.” 

― George K. Simon


“LOVE is the greatest weapon for the ones who don't believe in it and for the ones who do its an emotional exploitation.” 

― Amit Abraham

“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.”

― Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing  

 “Mind control is built on lies and manipulation of attachment needs.

Valerie Sinason, (Forward)”
 
 ― Alison Miller, Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control 

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.” 

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

What is Narcissistic Supply?

This information needs to get out there. PURE EVIL.

27 Ways the Narcissist Encourages You to Feel Badly About Yourself

The narcissist benefits from you feeling badly about yourself. If you feel bad about yourself then you are easier to manipulate, control and exploit. Narcissists can pick up on any negative feelings you have about yourself pretty easily. It's like they have a worthlessness detector.

If you've felt badly about yourself for your whole life, chances are good that you were raised in a narcissistic environment. The narcissist parent encourages his or her children to foster poor self esteem--this is the heart of insidious narcissistic abuse that is so painful for the child and the adult who endured this as a child.

Here is a list of 25 Ways the Narcissist Encourages You to Feel Badly About Yourself:

1. Makes subtle comments about aspects of yourself for which you are already insecure.
2. Makes negative comments about aspects of yourself for which you are proud.
3. Talks negatively about someone else who has the same trait as you.
4. Invalidates your experience through abuse tactics such as Gaslighting.
5. Invalidates your experience by telling you that you're not supposed to feel the way you feel.
6. Compares you to others.
7. Listens to you when you complain about being a victim, but ignores you when you're doing well.
8. Acts disgusted with you when you make a mistake.
9. Won't give you the affirmation you would normally get from a healthy relationship.
10. Keeps silent when a kind word would be helpful and strengthening to you.
11. Holds back affection when you're doing well, pours on the sympathy when you're going through hard times.
12. Accentuates the areas in which he or she seems to be better than you: career, family, relationships, body, financial, beauty, etc... 
13. Nit picks any area of your life or being.
14. Takes help from you without saying thank you.
15. Refuses to give you credit for the excellent things you do.
16. Ignores conversations about areas in which you excel.
17. Tries to exclude you or ostracize you from events with your mutual friends.
18. Blames one of your life issues on an insurmountable problem that you can never overcome.
19. Tears down your efforts.
20. Insults you directly.
21. Insinuates you are a failure in any area of your life.
22. Laughs at your mistakes.
23. Refuses to meet your emotional needs and express their good feelings towards you.
24. Give you back-handed compliments.
25. Take advantage of weak moments by agreeing with any of your own negative assessments. 
26. Blame you for their own poor behavior.
27. Gives you the silent treatment as if to insinuate you're not worthy of attention or respect.

This list is to get you thinking. It will help you to recognize when someone is deliberately trying to bring you down so that you can set boundaries and go no contact. You deserve to be treated well by kind people. You deserve to get your needs met by people who know how to have equal relationships with reciprocity. Set boundaries! Go No Contact! Protect yourself. Stop blaming yourself for feeling bad and start taking care of yourself so you can feel better.

20 Reasons Why Narcissists Don't Like People with Boundaries

1. People with boundaries are impossible to manipulate.
2. People with boundaries can spot a narcissist more easily who is trying to bust their boundaries.
3. Narcissists can only abuse people who think they are worthless and don't know their rights.
4. Narcissists are looking for easy prey; a person with boundaries is too much work.
5. Boundaries are the manifestation of your inner strength and self-work.
6. Narcissist parents groom their children not to have boundaries so they can exploit them.
7.  The narcissist's agenda is to overpower and control you, this is not possible if you have boundaries.
   
8. Boundaries keep you safe from the narcissist's plans to exploit you.
9. A person with boundaries cannot be exploited.
10. A person with boundaries trusts their own heart and will notice subtle manipulation tactics.
11. Boundaries show that a person doesn't have any weaknesses that the narcissist can use to push-your-buttons.
12. A person with boundaries shows the narcissist what is wrong with them; their issues become exposed.
13. A person with boundaries is frustrating to the narcissist.
14. A person with boundaries cannot be run over and controlled.
15. A person with boundaries does not give his or her power away.
16. A person with boundaries expects equal and fair treatment--the narcissist is not interested in equality.
17. Boundaries shield you from the narcissist's plans to hurt you and destroy you.
18. Boundaries show that you have enough self esteem to walk away if the narcissist continues to disrespect you.
19. Narcissists want someone who will willingly accept their abuse without protecting themselves.
20. A person with boundaries understands who they are and what their rights are--that means they're not willing to bow down and accept whatever the narcissist plans for his or her life.

Your Relationships Are a Projection of Your Current Vibration

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source

There may not be any searches for this topic and I don't care. I'm doing this topic because it's important. Even if you don't think this is something you need to hear, listen to it anyway. There will be info that speaks to you if you open your heart, no matter what your life situation. Please share, leave comments and subscribe. Thanks!









How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 1 of 3
   

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 2 of 3

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 3 of 3

Creeps Don't Matter. YOU DO.

2 FACED AGAINST SELF

This is NOT a fun post. Get ready...

LOVING someone actively who is not loving you is an act of SELF HATRED and shows lack of internal boundaries and childhood trauma.

Worrying about what other people think about you and your life and changing your truth to fit in is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and abandonment of self; a form of being 2-faced against self. It causes perpetual emotional wounding to occur unconsciously. This wound causes painful negative emotions to bubble up from the core (false core beliefs) that are the root of addictive behavior and a catalyst for traumatic bonding.

Letting someone who is abusive towards you in any way back into your life is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and a form of being 2-faced against yourself. You must love yourself from the inside out and install internal boundaries to block yourself from seeking nurture from the betrayal source.

Reaching out to a hurtful p;erson as a source of nurture is Self Destructive.

Yearning and longing for a person who is abusive to you is a way of being 2-faced against yourself. (At war with yourself -- split)

Reaching out for someone who is abusive to you is like hitting your precious self.

Loving / longing for someone who is emotionally or physically abusive towards you is an act of internal violence against yourself. A form of self hatred.

Loving or longing for someone who is abusive towards you is a work against self... pushes healthy, real relationships away and replaces with safer, painful relationships that fit with your faulty programming.

Loving or longing for someone who is emotionally abusive towards you is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Taking responsibility for everything in a relationship that goes wrong and letting all of your boundaries be violated is complete ABANDONMENT OF SELF. The act of not setting boundaries keeps you in the perfect position to be traumatically bonded to the Perpetrator and keeps you from existing at all.

Reaching for someone who has betrayed your trust or shown you unkindness and disrespect is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Allowing others to disregard your boundaries is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION. You are saying...

"I do not exist."

"I do not matter."

Some of us were trained to exchange our very existence for conditional love. This is accomplished by failing to maintain boundaries both internally and externally with other people.

We fool ourselves into believing that this person is more important to us EVEN than we are to OUR OWN SELVES!!! Giving the other person precedence, we forget who we are and abandon our own needs, wants, desires, feelings and more.

We fault find ourselves to keep this abusive, conditional-love source active and engaged, providing us with a "fix" for our deeper emotional issue--that of abandoning our TRUE SELVES.

Giving up self to hold semblance of worthiness in eyes of others is SELF DESTRUCTIVE, self hatred, 2-faced, self abandonment. 

Performing for other people and living your life to please others is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Creeps don't matter. YOU DO.

Boundaries are Your Sword & Shield

A person who trusts their intuition and knows their rights and has boundaries to protect their values is immune to long-term abuse by the narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, borderlines, energy vampire or other disordered person, that I refer to as a Zombie.

The Narcissist cannot tolerate boundaries because they cannot stand FUNCTIONAL behavior. Functional behavior, that is, the give-and-take of real feelings, emotions and expression among 2 or more people is the antithesis of toxic behavior. Narcissists need things to be dysfunctional and chaotic because this is the way they gain and maintain power and control. Your internal and external boundaries are your weapon and protection against these body snatchers.

Love is to the Narc like Holy Water is to the Vampire. Narcs cannot express feelings because love is vulnerability, and to the Zombie, this is a weakness. Since the narc wishes to control and destroy, you will see them avoiding true love at all costs.

Knowledge IS POWER. Knowing your rights will keep you safe. Knowing what you want, what you need and what you deserve--and being able to stand up for your rights and maintain your boundaries is your weapon against abuse from those who want to take you down.

Betrayal Blindness

I wrote this on this video on youtube: Betrayal Blindness. It's a survival defense mechanism. Revictimization. Betrayal blindness causes "whoosh" symptom where you have selective attention only towards the good that these vampires do. You don't even NOTICE the red flags because your mind is wired for survival. This occurs because the narcissistically abused person is required as a child to attach to the very person who is abusing them.

Betrayal Blindness is Stockholm Syndrome, a trauma bond. In order to heal, the victim needs ego strength; he/she must get in touch with feeling, intuition and instincts indicative of abuse. They need to learn to trust the little twinge in their gut, the light pressure in their heart that would tell a healthy person that something is off. They need to learn to act on their own behalf and set boundaries against abusive others.

One of the keys to steering clear of the Narc is to expose the lies from childhood, grieve the losses and get in touch with themselves somatically through mindfulness and meditation. The one abused by the narcissist needs to unfold as a person because the narcissist parent has sabotaged their individuation process in an attempt to exploit them as an extension of themselves.

It's not the victim's fault. The victim just does what he or she can to survive as a child as not attaching to the abuser would lead to death for a child. As an adult we don't need anyone so badly, even though we were taught that we do. We can stand on our own and protect ourselves. It's hard to heal.

Good luck to you, Jenna

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html

Stockholm Syndrome - Belief by victims that survival depends on abuser. This creates emotional attachment. Reality distortion. Seeing abusers in a positive light. Existing in extreme state of dependence.

Betrayal blindness

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

If the one who betrayed you was someone you trusted and you needed to rely on to grow up and develop, a primary attachment, then you will conveniently "forget" the betrayal, or what psychologist researchers call "betrayal amnesia."

We do not process the betrayal in the normal way. If we do process the betrayal in a normal way, it is a threat to our survival.

ME: I have found that my perceptions of my current life, my life as an adult are skewed by the events in my childhood. Therefore, if I have betrayal amnesia as a child, then I will continue to allow myself to be betrayed and to ignore behaviors that seem indicative of betrayal to a healthy person who did not experience the childhood betrayal trauma that I endured. 

I have proven this to myself numerous times throughout my healing and child abuse recovery process. As I heal and allow myself to feel my own blocked, repressed, frozen and projected emotions, which occurs as I face the wounds that occurred in childhood... as I reassess the situation from today's prospective and realize that the abuse was not my fault, was not an indication of my worth, but rather... that I place blame on the appropriate parties (my caretakers) whether they intended to abuse me or not... then I become aware of actions and behaviors of others towards me which mirror the original abusers actions but that are conducted by people in my present-day relationships. 

Basically, I attract abusive people, and I allow abusive people to come into my life--despite knowing the indicators of an abuser because I selectively "forget" such interactions just as I did in childhood. Once I process and integrate the abusive situations one-by-one, then I am able to see the truth not only of the original abuser(s), but also of people that I am in relationship with in my present every day reality. 

There is a "selective information processing" funnel going on in my mind where I disregard information that tells me that this person is highly likely to abuse me. I follow the conditioned pattern of childhood, where I was conditioned to ATTACH to the person who was abusing me in order to survive. I'm still adept at ATTACHING to abusive people even though I'm older now and I know better. The habitual patterns are deeply engrained. I am able to uncover said patterns only a bit at a time because the shattering of my spirit was so replete from multiple childhood abuses. 


These abuses occurred when I was dependent on people who were abusing me to survive. I had no other choice but to disregard the actions of abuse that happened to me. That is, to pretend like it wasn't happening. To pretend like they really did care about me. To pretend like they really did love me, even though all the evidence pointed to disregard, disrespect, disgust and disdain. 

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

"If we process the betrayal in the normal way, then we will be motivated to stop interacting with the betrayer." Instead, we essentially need to ignore the betrayal."

The child must continue to please the abuser to inspire caregiving and attachment in order to survive. It would be dangerous for a child to withdraw from a caregiver she is dependent on. This threatens the very life of the child.

So I selectively forget and selectively ignore instances of abuse in my present relationships because I still have the fear of death lingering in me. My wounded child self believes it will die if it notices neglect, disregard, invalidation or other abuses both indirect and covert. 

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/useful-articles/trust-issues/
REMEMBER: Doubts are inner signals that you are not sure. You need to listen to them before making any decision.

Restoring trust in yourself allows you to become more self-reliant. This will reduce your dependency on others who may let you down or betray your trust. Also as you begin to trust yourself more, you will begin to trust others and trust in a better future.

When people react negatively to a victim's disclosure, notably by disbelieving and blaming the victim, this can compound the damage done by the assault.

https://books.google.com/books?id=00xQWxsmYwAC&pg=PT39&lpg=PT39&dq=betrayal+child+abuse+recovery&source=bl&ots=WrtoE9C7iP&sig=AcMz5IzxPvSkKj5FbLFpqbcl6nw&hl=en&sa=X&ei=4_PvVP6BJtPrggSc04HABQ&ved=0CE0Q6AEwCDgK#v=onepage&q&f=false

Blind to Betrayal

Betrayal sets victims up to be revictimized. - Mark Walker case, parole officer & rapist.
one way betrayal is so toxic. it sets up victims to be revictimized.

The victim displayed a frozen response during the abuse.


"natural reactions to betrayal are to withdraw or confront"

for the child, remaining blind to the betrayal in the first place eliminates the need to pretend.

parents are supposed to love and protect us

blind - confusion & darkness

unable to see, unwilling to see and understand

the need to trust is a powerful blinding agent

Ongoing betrayal can only occur when there is some deception that is undetected. Sometimes this is due to lack of information, but other times it's linked to betrayal blindness where one is aware of information but its presence is "whooshed away."

discovery of betrayal makes one aware that the world is not the same. Someone who was trusted is now considered unsafe. Betrayal has a fundamental impact on ones perception of reality.

throws you off balance. tips you over.

everything I know to be true is not true. insidious

"early betrayals make us think that we are crazy.

Me: distorts reality. distorts perceptions. wigs you out.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-j-birrell-and-jennifer-j-freyd/betrayal-blindness-how-an_b_3146159.html

Betrayal Blindness: How and Why We 'Whoosh' Away Knowledge of Betrayal in Relationships

How to Trust the Universe

3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You

People who are out to abuse you, use you, exploit you and complicate your life have certain tactics that they use to HOOK you into their game. If you have any weakness at all, abusers will find them and use those weaknesses to reel you in, control you, manipulate you and make you doubt your own intuition. Abusers include anyone, narcissists, borderlines, control freaks, users, players, takers... Anyone who has their own interests ahead of your interests and who wants to use your resources for their own. An abuser is someone who wants to take advantage of you.

One way to stop being abused is to become aware of the hooks. Hooks for the purpose of this article refer to ways an abusive person gets under your skin and causes you to follow their agenda. Below are 3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You.

1. They use a promise of something you want to hook you. 

This could be anything, money, sex, love, attention, quality time, affection. An abusive person will dangle a carrot in front of your face and make promises to give you what you want--some time in the future. Pretty soon, they have you jumping through hoops and fantasizing about this "promise of future gain" that they've set up for you.

The problem is, that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. These people have nothing to give. sometimes this promise of gain is theirs to give, but they are too selfish to give it. Other times, they don't have it to give, but they're habitual liars who know how to paint a rosy picture that you believe. Other abusers will dangle the promise and continually move-the-goal-line for your obtaining of whatever it is they're offering to you if you give them what they want first.

Healthy Thought: When someone is promising to give you something in the future, don't go immediately into over drive trying to please this person and meet their needs. Don't allow yourself to fantasize about the ideal love they will presumably give you, or the big paycheck you will get if you work your butt off to please them.

Back-off. Ask questions. Look for proof that the promised gain actually exists. If you have a weakness or deep need inside for money, affection, love, positive regard, approval, affirmation, then you may be prone to fall for the tricks of the abuser.  It's important that you work to give yourself the things you need so that when this type of abuser shows up, you can easily say "No Thanks."

When deciding who to trust in this world, you have to look for clues as to who they really are under the surface. Just because someone is promising to do things for you, doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Ask them specific questions and get definite data about what you're going to get if you go along with their agenda. If someone is out to use and abuse you, they won't like boundaries... they won't like questions and they won't give specifics. They will back off if you start requiring proof.

Example: I had a client promise me the sun, moon and the stars if I would do a bunch of work helping them find their $1 Million dream home. This client had taken a lot of my time. Every time we spoke on the phone in a previous transaction, the phone call would last for an hour and things were twisted and unclear. I ended up respectfully bowing out of a transaction, even though I stood to lose a lot of money in the process. Later, this client called me up wanting me to find another house she gave me a list of things she wanted me to do. I asked the client to send me a pre-approval letter before I would begin my work. Low-and-behold, within an hour, she said she had already found another home. Imagine that!?!?! I got out of that trap with my time and energy intact to spend on endeavors that will benefit ME without exploitation.

2. They use your weaknesses and insecurities to hook you.

Some people have a need to control, manipulate and have power over others. Not everyone is nice, caring, compassionate and empathetic. There are people in the world who will use your weaknesses and your insecurities against you. How does one do this? Usually by making subtle digs at you about whatever it is that you feel insecure about... your weight, your financial status, your social status, education, career, your inability to stand up for yourself.

These subtle digs speak directly to your insecurities. Let's say you're feeling bad about yourself for some reason, maybe because you were abused as a little girl and made to feel as though you're less-than other people. Then, an abuser can easily come in and "push-your-buttons" by making covert, subtle little digs about how someone else is so great, while you are sorely lacking in those ways. This can cause you to doubt yourself because it triggers your negative core beliefs.

Healthy Thoughts: Know yourself well. Know your insecurities. Know your weaknesses. If anyone mentions or alludes to anything that bothers you about yourself, dig deeper and see if you're not dealing with an exploitative abuser who wants to build their own self esteem by dragging you down. Stay away from these kinds of people. Find people who support you and build you up instead.

Example: I once had a friend who was always there for me when things were going bad. It felt really good to have someone who was there for me, but eventually, thankfully, I started waking up to the fact that this friend was actually "rubbing it in" whenever painful situations would arise. She would bring up past mistakes and issues when it would have been much more helpful for her to support me for future success. I had to dump this friend for healthier ones.

3. They use extreme kindness and attention to hook you.

A savvy manipulator who wants to get under your skin and hook you and later control you will be your best friend and supporter at first. This phase usually lasts about 3 months. They shower you with attention and treat you as though you are the most amazing person on the planet. The reason this can hook you is that you may need love, affection and attention so badly, that this person feels like a godsend, like a breath of fresh air. You're finally getting the recognition and approval that you deserve--but it's external when it should be internal.

When someone uses extreme kindness and attention to hook you, a person without good boundaries may have a difficult time saying no. He or she may feel obligated to give this person every ounce of their life because he or she is being so sweet, kind and attentive towards them. A person who is overwhelmed by all the attention may have a difficult time discerning his own intuition because of the flood of attention received from the abusive person. In narcissistic abuse, this is a phase called "IDEALIZATION" where the narc will treat you extremely well for about 3 months, then start to devalue you and eventually discard you. This can also be part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Healthy Thoughts: Watch out for people who come on too strong. I know you need love, affection, time and attention that you never received as a child, but be careful not to give yourself away for those things from an insincere person. Warning: This can be an incredibly beguiling situation. Having someone idealize you and treat you like a queen is a wonderful feeling, especially if you really need it because you don't know how to do it for yourself. Still, you must have the maturity to set boundaries and maintain your own strong sense of self, even when it feels so good to be taken over by someone who seems to think you are God's gift to the world. Trust me, it won't last. You're great, but be leery of people who are fawning over you and flattering you.

Example: I once had a boyfriend who seemed to adore me in every way. He gave me lots of attention, he showered me with gifts, quality time, fancy dates and he listened to my every word. Then one day, the sweetness wore off and he decided, out-of-the-blue that he didn't want to be in a relationship as he preferred to date several other women at a time. I should have seen the warning signs, but I was in fantasy la la land. I know better now.

CONCLUSION

What happens once you're hooked? Once you are taken away in fantasy by a promise of love, attention, money or other things you want. What happens once you are hooked by someone who reminds you of your weaknesses and insecurities? What happens when you are hooked by someone who put you on a pedestal? YOU BECOME THEIR SLAVE.

When you allow people to HOOK YOU and get into your head like this, you lose parts of yourself, your self-esteem goes down the tubes and your life can become a shambles. This is why it's so important to protect yourself from abusive, exploitative people. You need to stay aware of your center, of your core self and make sure that you listen to your intuition when it comes to other people. You must look for clues as to their true intentions beyond their facade of kindness. You must know the difference between a genuine person and someone who is out to eventually take from you. The only way to take care of yourself against abusive people is to SET BOUNDARIES and to look out for yourself. Take care of yourself and release obligation to others. That's the only way.

CHOOSE YOU.

How to Let Go of Someone Who Is Abusing You