Shaming Should Statements

Shaming Should Statements:

• I should have gotten up and left.
• I should have said something to her.
• I should make more money.
• I should keep my car cleaner.
• I should organize my make-up.
• I should have stood up for myself.
• I should have set a boundary.

Better ways of self-talk...

- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.

- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.

- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.

- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.

- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.

- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.

- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.

Releasing Shame: Shame Falls Off in Stages

Shame falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. It reminds me of the coating on an m&m that starts cracking when you become aware of it. Become aware of shame by being mindful of your own body, thoughts, feelings, impulses. Start to categorize every impulse and feeling like this:

- sad

- angry

- happy

- content

- peaceful

- disturbed

- awkward

- comfortable

Then start tracking the negative emotion you feel. Then start looking at that negative emotion, the patterns of when you feel that way. As you know yourself, you begin to see your shame emerge.

Start dealing with little shame first, and the spiral will lead you to bigger shame. Just keep digging. Get all that toxic shit out. Face it, feel it, express it. Get to the truth.

The shame holds lies and is perpetuated by lies that you're not good enough. Shame is a feeling that occurs when you're feeling less than who you really are. Shame is caused by lies. Any time you feel it, you can know that the core belief underneath is a lie.

The shame protects you when you're young to bond with abusive caretakers, however, it kills all relationships for you as an adult and renders you powerless and weak to exploitation by other abusers. 

When you do release the shame, and see it for what it is--lies, stupid, ignorant lies.  That is the best feeling in the world!!! You will know it when it falls off, you will feel like you've been reborn. It falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. 

It's like no other high I've ever felt. 

Shame Spiral

"The irony I am learning is that those qualities I felt I lacked, are the very ones I might possess in spades." ~ Simon (part)

If you're caught in a shame spiral, Brené Brown says, there are three things you can start doing today to break the cycle: talking to yourself like you talk to someone you love, reaching out to someone you trust, and telling your story. Watch as Brené shares the number one antidote to shame.