See the Behavior, Not the Excuses

Those of us who may have once had difficulty loving ourselves, raised by narcissists, are dependent on the opinions of others, and are people pleasers who feel the need to gain outside approval have a tendency to let abusive people off the hook too easily. We do this by our own internal thought processes. We make the abuser okay. We make the manipulative person okay. We make the narcissist okay to ourselves by making excuses for their behavior rather than seeing the behavior for what it is and taking care of our own interests.

I did a video on "Making Excuses for the Abuser" a week or so ago. This is a follow-up to that video.

Here is a list of examples:

Linda was rude to me the other night, barking orders at me and not letting me finish a sentence because she's a very intense person and she'd had 2 glasses of wine and all her friends around, so she was excited.

Behavior: Linda was rude to me the other night.

________________

Mark started yelling at me the other night while we were cuddling because he has issues. His mother abandoned him as a child and his ex-wife cheated on him. 


Behavior: Mark started yelling at me the other night for no reason.

________________

Kendra stood me up on my birthday because her phone was broken and she had to work late.

Behavior: Kendra stood me up on my birthday.

________________

Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with, because she's jealous that she doesn't have a date.

Behavior: Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with

 ________________

My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor, because I am not a neat person and he is.

Behavior: My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor.

 ________________

My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight because that is the only time that is convenient for her.

 Behavior: My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight

 ________________

My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused when I was a little girl because she was so young.

Behavior: My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused.

________________
 
The reason why a person offends you, harms you, manipulates or abuses you does not have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for other people and the reasons why they do what they do to you. You are only responsible to yourself for what you allow other people to do to you. If you are mistreated, it is your responsibility to set boundaries and limits to keep yourself safe and intact.

When you consider the reasons why someone does something and and place more value on the excuse than on the crappy behavior, you are giving too much to the other person and abandoning yourself. There are a few phrases to describe this behavior:

• Over Giving
• Codependency
• Over empathizing
• People Pleasing
• Approval Junky
• Doormat 
• Self Abandonment  
• Care Taking

There is no excuse to justify actions that are harmful to your being. You cannot get out of responsibility to protect yourself. You cannot rightfully take care of someone else at your own expense; if you do, you will end up harming yourself in the process.

It is your job, your right, your responsibility to take care of YOU and to make sure that the people in your life are respectful to you. If a person refuses to respect your boundaries and continues poor treatment and you continue to allow it without taking up for yourself or leaving, then things can only get worse. Your self esteem dies a little more each time you make other people's needs more important than your own.

In a perfect world everyone is out for everyone else. Everyone has empathy. Everyone is selfless and not out for themselves. In a perfect world, it would be okay to put others ahead of yourself. But this is not a perfect world! We live in a world where there are a lot of disordered people who want to manipulate you, deceive you, control you and gain the upper-hand in relationship with you. This is why it's crucial that you take care of yourself. This is why you must defend your identity by defending your right to be treated with respect at all times.

If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself whenever someone has a good excuse for mistreating you, then that is misplaced guilt. That means you are out-of-your own business. That means you are care taking another grown adult and colluding with that person to treat yourself disrespectfully. Why not feel guilty for allowing YOURSELF to be mistreated? Why not feel guilty for not setting boundaries and for sticking around someone who annihilates your sense-of-self?

Look at the behavior without clouding the situation with the reasons why another person is doing what their doing. You are not responsible for other people. You are only responsible for you. Take a stand for yourself and require that other people treat you with respect, or else. You can't give yourself away any more. It hurts too much.

7 Freedoms of Healthy Equal Relationships

A healthy relationship between you and another person, be it a family member, a spouse, a romantic partner or a friend must be equal in order to be successful. This means that you are balanced in terms of the respect and space you give one another to express feelings and be an individual.

A healthy, equal relationship includes the following characteristics:

1. Freedom to Raise Grievances

A healthy relationship is an equal relationship where either party is free to raise grievances whenever necessary to keep interactions balanced and comfortable for both people. If you are in a friendship where you feel uncomfortable setting boundaries or bringing up negative aspects of the other person's behavior towards you, then your relationship is most likely unequal and therefore unhealthy. If a person minimizes your feelings or mocks your boundaries then you're dealing with someone who is not an equal partner or friend. Someone who refuses to respect your right to express how their behavior is negatively affecting you is someone who is seeking power and control over you--hardly an equal scenario.

When grievances are raised, a healthy person seeking an equal relationship is able to tolerate the feelings of the other person and make changes or negotiate where appropriate. A healthy person respects the other person's right to have feelings, needs and wants that are separate. A healthy person seeks equal relationships that meet the needs of both parties without bull-dozing or stepping on toes.

Accountability for behavior is a fundamental key to empowerment in interpersonal relations. Knowing your own wants and needs and asserting yourself in pursuit of those needs is one part of the equation. The other part is expecting others to be as responsible in their responses to you once you have made your concerns known.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources

2. Freedom to Make Choices as to Who You Want in Your Life

A healthy relationship involves the freedom to make choices in your life, such as who you want to engage with and who you do not. A person who interferes with your choices in friends is stepping out of their role and into your personal business. We each have the right to choose to be around whomever we choose. If you find that a friend is abusive toward you and not someone you want to hang around, your partner or spouse or other friend(s) should be supportive of your decision to do so without ridiculing you, guilt-tripping you or trying to force you to be friends with someone you've written off for your own reasons. You have the right to decide who you want in your life.

If you have a friend who is constantly belittling your choices in who to date, this is control, not friendship. This can be done directly and/or covertly. Take notice of how your so-called friends bash your dating choices or other friends. Controlling people often try to manipulate others into removing other friends and relationship prospects in your life in order to isolate you and be your soul source of "affirmation."

3. Freedom to Believe as You Choose to Believe 

A healthy relationship allows both parties the freedom to believe as they believe. If your mother resents your religious preferences and chooses to belittle you, convert you or shame you for your life choices, then you're mother is trying to exert power and control over you and if you allow such to continue, the relationship will be unequal. No one has the right to tell you how to believe. You should not have to adjust your life to please a person with whom you are in an equal relationship.

4. Freedom to Say No

A healthy relationship is one in which you can say no and set limits without being retaliated against. Everyone has the right to say no. If you don't want to go to dinner because you have a headache, it is your right to say no. If you don't want to talk on the phone because you're busy with something else, you have a right to say no. If you don't want to let someone wear your favorite outfit, you have the right to say no. A relationship in which you are made to feel obligated to do whatever the other person wants by various means of manipulation is a relationship that is unequal and not in your favor.

5. Freedom to Change Your Mind

A healthy friendship is one in which you are free to change your mind. Changing your mind is a right of every human being. This is not about being wishy-washy, but rather about honest need to change your mind on occasion. A healthy person will not take offense to you changing your mind, but will give you the freedom to do so without questioning you or trying to make you feel bad.

6. Freedom to Do Your Own Thing

An equal relationship is one in which both parties are free to do their own thing without worrying about hurting the other person. This means you are free to have the career of your choice, the relationships you choose and spend your time in the manner that you choose. If you feel that you cannot do anything without upsetting your partner, then this is a sign of enmeshment, which is an unhealthy attachment. Healthy people are separate people who have the inner strength to come together with others without being fearful of the individuality of each one. You shouldn't feel the need to cut things out of your life that you love for a new love interest. You need to be able to keep your life going while being able to come together with your love for a healthy relationship.

A person who respects boundaries, sets limits, won’t excuse inappropriate conduct, keeps communication direct, etc. makes his or her needs known and makes decisions about how to respond to actions and situations that threaten those needs. All this can be done without hostility, blaming, resentment, or undue fanfare. It’s simply a matter of taking care of oneself and not feeling responsible for anything or anyone else.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources 

7. Freedom to Look How You Want to Look

A healthy relationship is one in which you are free to look as you look without your partner or family member making snide comments or giving back-handed compliments. You are free to wear the clothes that you feel comfortable wearing, doing your hair in a way that you desire, color your nails and wear make-up in any fashion you deem acceptable. A friend who makes a cutting remark directly or indirectly regarding how you look is not a true friend--but rather, someone who is seeking to put you down, one-up you and control how you see yourself. This is not love! It is controlling and manipulative for someone to make comments about how you look. True friends respect the differences in each other and give each other the space and the freedom to be who they are and look how they want to look. When people try to change you, this is a sign that they're trying to control you.

Ways Manipulative People One-Up You

When someone is trying to control you, one-up you or put you down, their purpose is not healthy, but rather, they want to gain power over you and make you feel small. People who are disordered in their character may not come right out and try to control you or put you down directly. Instead, they may use subtle or covert methods to manipulate you into complying with their demands. They may also try to make you feel guilty, obligated or ashamed of yourself. Here is a quick list of ways manipulative people will try to gain control over your individual rights, making your relationship unequal.

• Silent Treatment
• Withdrawal of Affection
• Ghosting You - Disappearing
• Speaking negatively about someone who has characteristics like you that they want to alter.
• Ostracizing You - Not inviting you to events.
• Flirting with your date or your ex-boyfriend
• Refusing to hear your side of the story.
• Yelling at you for no reason.
• Gaslighting you.
• Minimizing your concerns.
• Gossiping about others to cause division
• Creating triangles with other people.
• Stonewalling / Ignoring You
• Giving excuses instead of apologizing 
• Making a joke of your boundary
• Being dramatic
• Abuse you 
• Backhanded compliment
• Change the subject

 These are just a few of the ways manipulative people can gain power over you and cause your relationship to be unequal and to control you.

Once you have spoken up clearly for yourself, it’s important to expect simple, direct, straightforward, and unambiguous responses and answers to questions. Anything short of that is likely to represent an attempt at manipulation.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources

Conclusion

A healthy relationship is one in which you are free to be who you are without being abused, manipulated, guilted or shamed by the other person. If you allow yourself to be exposed to unhealthy people and remain in unhealthy relationships where your basic rights are disrespected, it will eventually begin to wear on your self esteem and sense of self worth. People who are not healthy will seek to control others in order to gain power over them. Narcissists seek to sadistically abuse and use people by gaining control over them. You want to steer clear of relationships that are unhealthy and guide yourself towards relationships that are equal and fulfilling for both of you.

You deserve the best treatment. Choosing the right relationships is an important way to love yourself.

Narcissists Love to Hurt You

One thing a narcissist will do is abuse you directly. But a better tactic for the elusive narc is to have someone else abuse you instead of themselves. This keeps their hands clean. For this reason, a narcissist will almost always encourage you to...

• Stay in abusive situations.
• Ignore your own intuition.
• Feel guilty for taking up for yourself against others who bully you.
• Ignore toxic behavior.
• Just get over it.
• Blame yourself. 
• Apologize for everything.

A narcissist is not on your side. They don't care about you. As hard as this is to face, especially if this person is a family member, parent, sibling or spouse, it is something you must face in order to get out alive. The narcissist does not think like you; nor does he/she FEEL like you. They are different. They are heartless. Their only concern is for themselves, how they look. They only feel worthy when they make others feel unworthy. It's that simple.

They live to put you down and make you feel rotten, especially if you're a threat. If you're a threat, the narcissist will do everything possible to pull you down and trick you into feeling badly about yourself. They will manipulate you into thinking that you've brought the abuse on yourself... when really, it's their "support" that's kept you hanging onto people who are abusive to you. It's vital that you get the hell away from people who encourage you to stay in abusive or toxic situations. Someone who really cares about you wants to keep you from harm. A true person will encourage you to protect yourself at all costs.

If you are weak in any way... if you are needy in any way... if you harbor any self doubt whatsoever, the narcissist will hone in on this weakness and take full advantage of it. Never share your weakness with a narcissist. They feed on weak people with poor boundaries and weak sense of self. They have a sixth sense for vulnerability and are sizing you up constantly to see what they can exploit.Your pain is narcissistic supply to the narcissist... just like blood to the vampire.

Their ultimate goal is to steal you away from you. They want you to be dumb, confused and easy to control. Their self esteem is derived from making others feel like crap. They subtly encourage you to stay in abusive situations thus harming you without them actually doing it directly. When they're able to do this effectively, they get a little "kick" in their heart... like when a normal person feels when we are generous or make someone happy. A narcissist feels good when she inflicts pain on you.

The toxic behaviors of the narcissist ARE PAINFUL to a real person who has a real (not fake) heart. A real person has feelings and needs and wants true connection. The narcissist promises connection but then renigs on the deal at the last minute--after they feel they've dominated you. Their greatest pleasure is to cause others pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. When you hurt, the narc feels like she has won, and in a way, she has.

If you allow yourself to be duped by the false promises of the narcissist to love and treat you with respect, then you can only look to yourself for the reason why. Why would you subject yourself to the put-downs, lies and manipulations of the narcissist? You must find out and repair those old wounds.

The only real way to win against the narcissist is to get away from them. They can never love and will forever hate you because you can. They will try to pull you into your web by getting close to your non-narc friends and family, but don't fall for the triangulation. The narcissist is all mirrors and lights. They have nothing you need. They can add nothing and can take nothing away. You are free and beautiful and amazing. Go out and love yourself and find real people to love. <3

Equality in Dating Relationships Wheel

Relationship Rights

Relationship Bill of Rights 
by Divine Caroline

Have you ever thought about what a relationship should be … what a self-loving, self-respecting person is entitled to in a healthy relationship? Of course you have! I’ve addressed this in various dimensions in lots of other posts, but I thought it would be fun to draft a general relationship bill of rights. Mine can serve as a guide for you to begin one of your own, based on your particular experiences and ideals.

In my opinion, you are born with the inalienable right to a relationship that:

1. Lets you make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Mistakes are human. Mistakes allow us to learn, to grow, and to become better as individuals and when done right as couples. In a healthy relationship, we must have the room to stumble and not be scorned for it.

2. Lets you be 100 percent yourself. A relationship worth staying in is one that you feel free to be all of the dimensions of you, all of the time. If a piece of is hibernating out of fear that it will not be accepted, then that piece will ultimately shrivel up and die, making you feel less than your complete worth.

3. Lets you to state your needs and have them met. Being assertive about your need-states is critical—how else can you get them met? By doing so you are honoring your rights and letting your partner know what it will take to make you satisfied. A proper partner will give you a stage to allow this to happen and work with you to ensure reasonable needs are fulfilled.

4. Lets you freely express your feelings. We are born to express our feelings. After all, we come out of the womb, crying … crying for warmth, attention, nourishment. And it never stops. We biologically need to express our feelings and we need to be felt/heard by the heart/ears that those feelings fall upon.

5. Makes you feel safe and secure. Another innate quality we do not outgrow from birth is our need for security. Security comes in different forms for different people, but once you identify what makes you feel safe and secure, it is critical that you have it in your relationship; it serves as a foundational element to grow on.

6. Gives you room to grow. Throughout your life, you will continue to evolve. As life throws you new challenges you will need room to meet them head- and heart-on, which often requires developing new life skills. This means that you will not be the same person a year from now, five years from now, and so on, that you are today (and that’s a good thing!). A healthy partner respects and encourages such a process.

7. Is not physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally or sexually abusive. Duh.

8. Lets you ask for help. Being able to ask for help is a sign of strength, not one of weakness. Despite many women’s desire to be able to leverage superwoman-like powers and handle it all, you can’t. You have the right to ask for help, and the right to get it.

9. Does not demand you take on responsibility for another’s problem. Sure, relationships are about helping one another through each other’s tough times, but they are not about becoming solely responsible for another person’s mess. When you enter a relationship, each member must be responsible for what they bring in and what they collect along the way.

10. Allows you to walk away, whenever you want, for whatever reason you choose. Relationships aren’t about control … not in the free society in which we choose to live. We should only be in a relationship if it is a healthy, prosperous one for us; if it is not, we should and must be able to depart it.

What else would you add to your relationship bill of rights? What should you get unequivocally from a relationship, no matter what?

Live and love largely,
Tristan

Basic Rights in a Relationship

• The right to good will from the other
• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy
• The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is
  legitimately your business
• The right to live free from accusations and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
• The right to encouragement
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be called by no name that devalues you
• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered

BASIC RIGHTS IN ANY RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other.

The right to emotional support.

The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

The right to have our feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The right to receive a sincere apology.

The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

The right to live free from accusation and blame.

The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

The right to encouragement.

The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

The right to protect own physical and emotional health.

The right to be treated with respect.

The right to express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions.

QUESTIONS BELOW PRESENT A CRITERIA BY WHICH TO EVALUATE WHEN STARTING ANY NEW RELATIONSHIP

Does he/she have a sense of joy in life?

Do I enjoy his/her ideas, and do I feel a rapport with him/her?

Do I feel a real connection, laughing together and catching meanings in the same way?

Is there a best-friend quality to my relationship?

Do I feel relaxed with him/her?

Can I really be myself without criticism?

Does he/her share his/her interests with me and express an interest in mine?

Does he/she speak openly and honestly about himself/herself?

Do I feel warmth and understanding from him/her?

Is his/her humour often at the expense of others, or is it bitter or intimidating, or does it make me uncomfortable?

Does he/she seem distrustful of a number of other people?

Does he/she argue against my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and experiences?

Is time spent with him/her not as pleasant as I usually anticipate?

Is his/her world composed of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’?

Does he/she seem to understand or remember things differently from me?

Does he/she make assumptions about me based on anecdotal evidence?

Most important of all are your own feelings. If you experience the slightest feeling that something is wrong, it is.

It is time to move on to find someone that will love and respect you with all his/her heart.



 Human Rights For Those Involved in Intimate Relationships

This is an excerpt from:  Exit Support Network

Many in deceptive, controlling groups have been helplessly abused by those in authority. This article helps you to know what your human rights are.

• The right to share equally with your partner all decisions and responsibilities related to your relationship, children, home and finances.
• The right to share equally with your mate in all financial decisions.
• The right to have friendships outside of your relationship as long as you do not violate the privacy of your relationship with your partner.
• The right to have friendships outside of your relationship as long as you do not violate the privacy of your relationship with your partner.
• The right to express your opinion and then be given the same respect and consideration as those of your mate.
• The right to have and express your sexual needs and desires without feeling like you are selfish, demanding, or aggressive.
• The right to have your emotional, physical and intellectual needs be as important as the needs of your mate.
• The right to expect your mate to do his/her part to resolve difficulties to your relationship.
• The right to hold your mate responsible for his behavior rather than assuming that responsibility yourself.
• The right to seek professional help with your relationship.
• The right never to be physically attacked or emotionally degraded by your mate and the right to end the relationship (and to seek safety), if either occurs.
• The right to expect significant behavioral changes rather than apologies and promises from your partner if a single battering incident occurs.
• The right to not blame yourself if the relationship in which you have invested so much love and effort ends.

NOTE: It stands to reason that if a husband and wife are abiding in Christ and love Him, having Him as the center of their life, they will be respecting "human rights in marriage." Unfortunately, too many in abusive religious groups have placed obedience to the "government of God" as the center of their marriage, rather than the Lord Jesus Christ.