Resilience

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD 

 

Resilience. To be resilient means that we step up and face our challenges toe to toe. We do not back down. We recognize that we will go through hell sometimes but if we give up then we are allowing ourselves to stay in that hell. If we stay in our dramas we become invested in them. We become all about our ego, our pain, and how we have been hurt. This becomes our identity..never being able to let go. Resilience means we go through the pain, we hurt like hell, but we GET UP! We move, we step into the challenge head on because we know underneath each challenge is an undeniable lesson. We know we will come out of it one way or another a better version of who we are because we commit to that. Underneath all our pain is our divinity...our sparkle. That is who we really are. We are not our pain, we are not what other people think of us, we are not defined by the unfairness of life. Resilient people know this and so they push and they push through the sharp edges of life, not numbing them out, but facing them because they know at the end of this climb is where all the light is. Resilience means you lean into the hard and uncomfortable emotions, you search your soul, you express your vulnerabilities and you grow. You come out of each sharp edge not aged, but you come out wiser. You are willing. You are willing to do whatever it takes to get through it! This is resilience.

Agendas in Relationship

Have you ever met someone whom you felt had an agenda? That perhaps they didn't like you for who you are, but rather, they wanted to get something out of you or from you? Have you ever treated another person that way? If you did, would you know it?
Let me give you an example. If you go to a church not because you like the doctrine, but rather, you like the people that go to the church, then that means you have an agenda. You are denying your truth, your true self, and you're going along for the fringe benefits that your False Self thinks it needs to feel worthy. When you do this you are in affect telling your own soul that having those people in your life is more important than honoring who you really are. This is a process of abandoning yourself, your truth, and leads to decreased self worth and self esteem. I recommend that you read this article first.

Have You Ever Had an Agenda?

• Have you ever attended a church you didn't agree with merely because you liked the people? 
• Have you ever hung onto a friend even though you didn't respect him or her as a person? 
• Have you married someone for money? 
• Kissed-butt to gain position in a social circle? 
• Tried to have sex with a girl you didn't care about? 
• Hung out with people you didn't like to get something you wanted?
• Acted like you like someone in order to get them to do something for you?

All of these situations are examples of agendas in relationship. Some would argue that we all have agendas, however, I've found that this is not true. Many people have agendas. They do not relate with one another, but rather use each other to feed their egos and to try to indirectly fill their emptiness with what they think they need, but which never truly satisfies.

I think that people who have agendas--I'm guilty of having agendas in the past, though I try not to when I notice it--are wanting the wrong thing. Relationships are about SHARING LOVE, not getting something. If you are trying to GET SOMETHING from another person, you are missing the purpose of relationship altogether. You're missing the point of life! Love is about sharing. Having an agenda in a relationship is an indirect way of getting your needs met that never quite does the trick. Here, let me explain further...

Why Do We Have Agendas?

Agendas are an unhealthy way of trying to get your relational needs met. Having an agenda in relationship stems from an emptiness, low self-esteem, a low opinion of oneself. Agendas are the brainchild of the False Self, the mask, the part of the personality that doesn't feel worthy. This false self feels the need to "add to" you in order to make you adequate. This false self is constantly judging you, comparing you and ranking you to others. This false self tries its hardest to get you to morph your true self into the image that it thinks the whole world needs to see for you to be found worthy.
 
The reason we have agendas is to buy or earn worth, love and acceptance. It means we don't trust the world, life, God and the universe to deliver so we must connive, steal and manipulate to get what we need. The manipulation starts with hiding who we really are and trying to control externals that are out of our control instead of living with whatever outcome occurs.

The Root of Relational Agendas

1. Lack of Self Love
2. Lack of Trust in Life
3. Inability to Detach

This is a lot of baggage to bring into any relationship, friend or lover. When you have an agenda, you are failing to be who you really are and you are basically conning people in the process. Your false self is in full force when you are not being true to yourself and others.

Real Relationships

A real relationship is fulfilling. A real relationship nourishes and meets the needs of both parties. A real relationship is one in which just being with THAT PERSON is sufficient. You're not using that person to gain recognition, get into higher circles, or to win anything other than mutual appreciation. In a real relationship each party is open to love, open to sharing and not concerned with who has what or what one can get from the other. Wow! How beautiful a true friendship, true romance and a true marriage can be. Mutual sharing, caring, acceptance and real loving. Like a glass of ice water on a hot, sweaty day.

What stops these real relationships from happening is our own insecurities. If you have a core belief that you need something added to your self in order to be "enough," then your friendships will likewise not be enough. 

If you do not feel good, comfortable and worthy in your own skin, your heart will always ache to seek that value outside of yourself. If you're seeking external value, you will be a crappy friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. That's not the way the world works. You must first find your own worth and value inside before you can relate with others in a fulfilling way.

A real relationship is about sharing the love that you have inside of your own heart for yourself with others. The way you treat yourself is how you will treat others. If you feel that you are adequate, enough and worthy of love, you will be able to rest in that knowledge and be a true person who is healthy to be around. You will share from your truth, from your heart, from a place of self respect that flows over into respect, encouragement and compassion for others.

The love that you have for yourself that you share with others is your most VALUABLE RESOURCE. It is this love that flows from inside of you that is the currency of truth and life. We are all dependent upon love, respect, honor, attention and affection. Without our basic emotional needs met we will suffer greatly.

It's sad, however, when those who need love the most--those who are most insecure and feel the most unworthy, are the most ill equipped to get what they need. It is only when you do the work of learning to Love Yourself (unless you already know it), that you can begin to unravel some of the core beliefs that keep you thinking you're unworthy of real, unconditional love.

Real Love & Real Friendship Feels Lacking To Some

When you feel like you're lacking within yourself, then real love and real friendship and real relationship--that is being together and engaging without an agenda, without trying to get anywhere, do anything or become anything more than one already is... when you feel lacking, you will not feel good relating in a healthy way. It may feel odd to just be yourself and engage with another who is just being themselves.

My advice to those who feel this way, including my own self sometimes, is to ride it out. Use those bad, icky feelings to help you understand where you need to heal. Lean into those feelings of discomfort at just being content in experiencing real exchange and let those feelings teach you what they have to say. Not all bad feelings are meant to be avoided. Some bad feelings are signals that you need to endure. On the other side you will find that your needs can get met without the agendas.

You don't need to add anything to you or anyone else to be worthy, whole, loved and free. Good luck!

Real Love vs. False Love

I've also previously written about false love verses real love. False love is conditioned upon you or the other person doing what you want them to be and doing what you want them to do. False love is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love respects individual feelings, thoughts and perceptions. False love is the attempt to impose ones reality onto another. A very common example of acting out of false love is when a child falls on the ground and the parent, instead of soothing the child's pain, instead smiles like it never happened.

The parent would likely consider his or her actions as helping the child to overcome obstacles quickly, when in fact, the act of ignoring the pain the child is going through is damaging to the soul. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts and perceptions instead of trying to make what someone else experiences what you want it to be. It's more comfortable for the parent if the child smiles instead of cries, thus he or she invalidates the child by denying the child the freedom of expressing his or her pain both physical and/or emotional.

Without realizing it, we love falsely when we don't accept people for who they are. When we try to get them to smile when they are sad, we could--not always, but often, we could be invalidating their reality. It's healthy to accept others as they are, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Pain is not always fun. Many times we want to avoid it and be joyous instead, but this is detrimental to your emotional health. Painful emotions never go away. Your e-motions are energy that will stay stuck in your emotional being and even your physical body until released. Learn more about the topic in my previous article: Healing Frozen Emotions.

Being Vulnerable

Sherry Campbell, PhD

 

Being authentic means that we let go of needing to be in control all of the time. Painful times come in life. It is best to accept them and be with them without resistance. When we are here nothing seems clear. The water is muddy, our hearts and minds are confused. It is impossible to know if we are making the right decisions and we tend to pull inside. Often we do not want to share what we are really feeling with people because we may be afraid to show our vulnerability. But, if we are to be authentic we need to show the fullness of who we are. The basic truth is that we all experience painful times. Each and every one of us is currently experiencing something that is challenging us right now. So, we need each other. There is no value in acting like we have it all together all the time. Sometimes we just don't have it together and that is the most authentic place for us to be. It will pass and then we will be in a better place, but it is important to know that to be whole we have to be able to have our bad days, our fears, our sadness, and our anxieties. It is all a part of being truly authentic. There is no value in acting like it is all ok when it's not. When we allow ourselves to be in the fullness of who we are this is self-loving. When we are out acting like we are fine this is self-abandonment. I think we heal quicker and more genuinely when we allow ourselves to be real. When we are real, those people who love us unconditionally show up and allow us this space. In being real you learn very quickly who is real in your life and who is not. This is a great gift of clarity. To be a authentic we have to expose ourselves on some level and we need to do this with confidence. There is nothing wrong with having things wrong in our life. It's just part of it. Love yourself.

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD

Growth is painful. Growth is painful because it requires us to get outside our comfort zones. Change is painful because our lives become unfamiliar to us. The unfamiliar is scary. But there is nothing more painful than staying in a place where we do not fit or belong. As people we are programmed for connection. We all want to fit. We want to be loved and accepted but sometimes we end up in the wrong group of people. If we stay stuck where we don’t belong we will lose ourselves. We will know deep down we do not fit because we will feel like we have to sacrifice ourselves to make other people happy. So why do we so often try and make it fit? We do this because we want to love. It is that simple. Sometimes we want to love people who do not value love. Some people truly do not value love, they value conflict, winning and fighting. What we have to learn is that our love for them will not make them value love the way we want them to or wish for them too. If we are light we cannot be dark and if people are dark they are not likely to have the insight to stay true to being light. They may suck you of your light and love and if we allow this to happen we lose self-respect. We have to leave the places and people with whom we do not belong. This does not make us unloving. Boundaries make us more loving. There are simply some people we cannot love if they are in our lives. Their presence only creates a mess. If you are in a place you do not fit, love yourself enough to let go and let them go.

Master Yourself

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD

Life is about mastering being Your Own Person. This is why I used this subtitle in my book. We are in this world not to master others but to master ourselves. 

 

So often we are working hard to change other people when really the only thing we have any control over is changing ourselves. 

 

If we truly listen to what we feel (not what others tell us to do or to feel) we know who and what to keep in our lives and who and what we need to eliminate. 

 

So often we are stuck in trying to master others or somehow trying to force our way into their lives. This is not love. This is force and force doesn't work. Our inner world will always tell us when we are being taken advantage of, what is good for us and when we are self-abandoning. When we love ourselves we become powerful people not forceful people. 

 

Powerful in the sense that we have self-control, we can let go even when we don't want to, we have maturity and we can continue on our journey no matter the challenges. We can do this because we know we can depend upon ourselves to get up and keep on. We do not force our way, we communicate our issues with any challenge and if we find we are not being respected and valued we walk away. 

 

Sometimes the best and most loving thing we can do with someone is walk away. We master ourselves when we know that we have to climb a tough mountain, the destination is unclear but we have self-love as the guide. We know that if can put our truth first, our feelings first the right actions will follow. This is how we master being our own person.

A Return to Love

By Marianne Williamson

"When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves -- to a universe that knows what it's doing. When we stop trying to control events, they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We're at rest with a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we could have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstances of our relatively little lives." 

--- A RETURN TO LOVE

The fastest way to "get there" in life is to stand firm in the knowledge that you're already there.

 

Stand YOUR ground today. Stand on your wisdom. Stand on your principles. Stand on your clarity. Stand on your compassion. Stand on your flexibility. Stand on your serenity. Stand on your love.

 

Whatever worked in the past, build on it; whatever didn't work in the past, break the chain that binds you to it.

 

As big as all the universes within all the universes might be, that is how big love is.

 

"Once you've reached a a certain age, the idea of wasting any opportunity -- particularly the opportunity to love -- is seen as the blasphemy it is. You might as well just spit at God as turn away from the chance to really love. And that's why love burns brightly at midlife; you're no longer under the delusion that the sparks that are flying here fly along every day." ---
THE AGE OF MIRACLES

 

God never hits a wall. His Mind is an ever-renewable source of creativity and miracles. YOU are part of His Mind, therefore He is the part of you that cannot hit a wall.

 

 

 

 

Our divine perfection – not registered by the physical eye but only by the heart’s knowing – is who we truly are. Our mortal imperfections – registered by the physical senses – are not who we truly are. Yet we keep trying, in love, to find each other’s perfection within the world of imperfection. And it simply is not there.

Letting Go

By: Sherrie Campbell, PhD

 

When we think of letting go, we think about losing something. It is like when we are learning addition it is much easier than subtraction. We do not like things being taken away but we all love things being added to our lives. When we think about letting go, because we seem to believe that the more we have the bigger we get the better we are, we suffer. Living this way, we find that no matter how much we have, how much we get or how much we achieve that we never feel like we have enough. We go on this desperate hunt to get more and more to fill us up. The results are depression, feeling as if there is never enough, and powerlessness. We do this because we think we are not whole. Having more doesn't make us complete. Even if we win what we set out to win, it still will not complete us. The only thing that completes us is love. Love from self and then from others. I love the idea of less being more. If we believe the idea that we have to have more to be happy we will suffer. But if we realize that we ARE love, that we are already complete then we can connect to that "enough" space internally. We can let go of needing power. Isn't it interesting that when we try to have power we cannot have it but when we let go of needing it we have it in abundance? Learning to let go, or making use of subtraction, helps us to swipe away all the things we think we need to be happy and we can find that all we need is already available.

Are You Making Things Complicated?

Do you make things more complicated than it needs to be? Sometimes we do this when we're afraid to be who we are. Instead of just living our truth and realizing our incredible awesomeness, we add in a whole mess of complexity to keep things rotten, just like we're used to things being. When the truth is, things don't have to be so complex. You don't have to live in the past, fight for the future and fret over every wrong turn. You have the power, the right and yes, the ability to let go and BE right now, right where you are and become everything you've ever wanted. It's within your reach and it's oh-so-simple!

When we're scared and in fear that we're not good enough, that we're incapable and that life is untrustworthy, we may feel the need to complicate things just to keep from having to face the inevitable pain of reality. We may use complications to keep us from experiencing the truth. We may throw complications into our situations because we're afraid of success, or we don't want to let go of our problems...

Consciously we may want to be free, but deep inside, at the core of who we are, we're afraid of the feelings that just being may bring. We're afraid of the unknown. We're afraid of being wrong or of losing approval from external sources... so instead of standing our ground, we mess things up just enough to keep us on the edge of greatness...

The truth is, life is simple. The things you make hard are easier than you think, otherwise nobody would ever attain it. Love is easy. Loving yourself is easy. If it were that hard, nobody would love themselves because in general, people are pretty simple--not complex. Take control of the reigns of your life and dive into the fear. You will find that what you thought would kill you is actually nothing to fret about... Have the courage to be simple and free.

So take things down a notch. Learn to be simple. Simplify. Choose the easy road. Try easy. It's not that hard, only if you make it that way.  Anything but simple love is not love, but something else. Search for simple. It's been with you all along...

Stop Fixing Yourself, You Are Not Broken

You are NOT broken. You do NOT need fixing. You just need to awaken to the beautiful, miraculous creation that you already are. Perhaps you were not taught this. Maybe you were misled. There is a tremendous SHIFT that occurs when you discover who you really are. The only thing that can be messed-up is your understanding of your true essence, your true nature and your true divinity. You are light, love and truth at the center of it all. Peel back all the layers, see yourself as you truly are, lift up your eyes and SOAR. 

Self Love comes from knowing who you are and bravely living your authentic truth. It's not about living up to society's standards, or being what your family of origin molded you to be. Loving yourself only comes from living YOUR truth unabashedly, and connecting to your source without shame.

The act of "fixing yourself" is the process of self loathing and a misunderstanding of the truth of your essence. When you feel you are broken, wrong or full of mistakes, then you are operating from a core belief of unworthiness. Nothing good can come forth from a core belief that is false. Any belief that you hold that is contrary to the truth of your wholeness, value, worthiness and divinity is damaging to your soul and will lead you askew. 

The key is to let the truth of your power, your light, your spiritual source inside shine and lift you higher. The world has tried to dim your light, to hide the truth from you and keep it hidden. This truth has been with you the whole time, and it has shown through--even when you may be afraid to admit it. This truth, this source, this power, this love, this light that lies at the center of your being is your answer, your key, your ticket, your miracle. 

You don't have to love yourself. YOU ALREADY ARE LOVE! You must only discover your true essence and honor that which you are. Anything less than knowing the truth will leave you withered and in pain. Pain comes only when you believe that you are less than what you truly are.  

♥ Jenna  

“We do not need fixing.  We are not broken.  Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self. ~ Robert Burnely

 

Outline of Personality Modes

I love this graphic! How helpful. Getting to know yourself, becoming aware of your different moods, thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the pathway to self love. This diagram stems from Transactional Analysis, a way of defining different modes and schemas that people follow when they've gone through hurt, pain and/or trauma in childhood, or been raised in any type of dysfunction. A great preface to this chart is the book, "Games People Play: Handbook of Transactional Analysis" by Eric Berne. Excellent book! I've read it a few times. Highly recommended.

Click on the images below to view larger...

Self Awareness - K Jung

True self awareness is the recognition, respect and engagement of the Ego with the Unconscious contents of the psyche.

Sesame Street: Me Want It (But Me Wait)

How Anger Heals

This article was written a few years back and does not reflect the growth that I've achieved in the past year or so, but I posted it here because I think that some of the concepts are important for us to remember when it comes to anger. It's important to stay in touch with your anger, and not to repress it Some have difficulty admitting they are angry, or feel shame for being angry while others are all around angry people. I know this article has some value, so I'm posting it to help those of you who want to follow along the path to healing that I've gone down. Maybe it will help you. 

All my best, Jenna.

The more I face the truth of what happened to me when I was a little girl, the more pissed off I get. The more I allow myself to feel the anger--which is a protective mechanism--the more I feel justified in protecting myself against violations today.

It seems my whole life I've been a victim--a literal victim of unscrupulous people bent on exploitation. It hurt me greatly not to be wise enough to know when I was being used. It killed me inside to find out that someone was a monster only after it was too late. It was as though I attracted people with evil intentions. Eventually I gave up and hid in the church in effort to be around nice people who wouldn't hurt me. (Guess what happened next!)

Some may look down on me for admitting that I've always had a weakness for people who are abusive. Even me, I've looked down on myself for being so "naive" or for "wearing my heart on my shoulder." In this way, the abused person is kicked again, every time you try to get up, you or someone else kicks you back down--just for being kicked in the first place. Where is the grace?

The fact is, I deserve protection, I just didn't know it. Based on the way I was raised, I didn't deserve anything besides beatings and humiliation. I know, I know, you've heard it all before... but the truth is the truth, and I'm not denying it or pretending it didn't happen to make you (you know who you are) comfortable. I'm sharing my story, even if it makes you squirm--my self-indignation fuels the fire.

Don't give me that crap that anger is a bad emotion. Such a fallacy! Anger keeps us from being steamrolled. Do you know a doormat? That person is a doormat because she was taught that anger is bad, that her very internal protective system is bad. She learned to be nice to everybody, especially creeps. Screw that! If you're nice to a shark, you'll be eaten!
 
I used to be a doormat. I thought everyone else was better than me--this was how I was conditioned to believe. Now that I'm in recovery, I'm seeing the truth. Today, as I re-live those experiences, I am charged with the anger I need to kick ass today. I'm allowing myself to experience the pain of being abused and beaten, and giving myself permission to be pissed off at my abusers who stole my dignity from me.

Your anger is a signal to yourself that you are being violated. It is impossible to have emotional boundaries without it. Those who are abused are generally prevented from feeling their own anger, so they repress it and deny that it is there. Without anger, you have no way of knowing when you're being exploited.  I had no concept of my own anger, and therefore no emotional boundaries. 

Every day as I allow myself to feel my true feelings, I see where I should be mad and where I should protect myself. My anger tells me that I deserve to be protected. My anger reminds me that I am worth shielding, guarding and fighting for. I am a valuable person with beautiful life inside of me. My emotions are good and useful to keep me safe and secure from predators. Staying in touch with the true source of my anger will keep me from projecting it elsewhere in my life today and give me the backbone I need to be confident and assertive.