How to Walk Away

I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.

I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?

Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.

You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna

An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.

If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it. 

How Anger Heals

This article was written a few years back and does not reflect the growth that I've achieved in the past year or so, but I posted it here because I think that some of the concepts are important for us to remember when it comes to anger. It's important to stay in touch with your anger, and not to repress it Some have difficulty admitting they are angry, or feel shame for being angry while others are all around angry people. I know this article has some value, so I'm posting it to help those of you who want to follow along the path to healing that I've gone down. Maybe it will help you. 

All my best, Jenna.

The more I face the truth of what happened to me when I was a little girl, the more pissed off I get. The more I allow myself to feel the anger--which is a protective mechanism--the more I feel justified in protecting myself against violations today.

It seems my whole life I've been a victim--a literal victim of unscrupulous people bent on exploitation. It hurt me greatly not to be wise enough to know when I was being used. It killed me inside to find out that someone was a monster only after it was too late. It was as though I attracted people with evil intentions. Eventually I gave up and hid in the church in effort to be around nice people who wouldn't hurt me. (Guess what happened next!)

Some may look down on me for admitting that I've always had a weakness for people who are abusive. Even me, I've looked down on myself for being so "naive" or for "wearing my heart on my shoulder." In this way, the abused person is kicked again, every time you try to get up, you or someone else kicks you back down--just for being kicked in the first place. Where is the grace?

The fact is, I deserve protection, I just didn't know it. Based on the way I was raised, I didn't deserve anything besides beatings and humiliation. I know, I know, you've heard it all before... but the truth is the truth, and I'm not denying it or pretending it didn't happen to make you (you know who you are) comfortable. I'm sharing my story, even if it makes you squirm--my self-indignation fuels the fire.

Don't give me that crap that anger is a bad emotion. Such a fallacy! Anger keeps us from being steamrolled. Do you know a doormat? That person is a doormat because she was taught that anger is bad, that her very internal protective system is bad. She learned to be nice to everybody, especially creeps. Screw that! If you're nice to a shark, you'll be eaten!
 
I used to be a doormat. I thought everyone else was better than me--this was how I was conditioned to believe. Now that I'm in recovery, I'm seeing the truth. Today, as I re-live those experiences, I am charged with the anger I need to kick ass today. I'm allowing myself to experience the pain of being abused and beaten, and giving myself permission to be pissed off at my abusers who stole my dignity from me.

Your anger is a signal to yourself that you are being violated. It is impossible to have emotional boundaries without it. Those who are abused are generally prevented from feeling their own anger, so they repress it and deny that it is there. Without anger, you have no way of knowing when you're being exploited.  I had no concept of my own anger, and therefore no emotional boundaries. 

Every day as I allow myself to feel my true feelings, I see where I should be mad and where I should protect myself. My anger tells me that I deserve to be protected. My anger reminds me that I am worth shielding, guarding and fighting for. I am a valuable person with beautiful life inside of me. My emotions are good and useful to keep me safe and secure from predators. Staying in touch with the true source of my anger will keep me from projecting it elsewhere in my life today and give me the backbone I need to be confident and assertive.

The Beauty of Anger

Anger is a useful tool. It's purpose is to show us when we're being violated. To remove anger is to remove a piece of who you are, to deny or abandon the protective layer of yourself. Learning to wisely guide your anger is key. I've denied mine for years and since grown to a place of embracing it, processing it and funneling it into healthy assertion. Healthy childhood development takes rage and turns it into backbone. 

 It's the un-faced anger we need to be afraid of; like mismatched telephone wires, it misfires sending messages askew. Unprocessed anger that we pretend we don't have is the root of negativity and physical illness. However, if we are in touch with ourselves and in tune with the nuances of our emotions, anger serves as a corrective mechanism, much as the missile corrects to target. 

We need the whole range of human experience to function appropriately and moderately. Dismissing anger is dismissing truth and denying self--like yin and yang. You must embrace the fulness of the good and the bad, using the force of it to propel you higher. Anger is a useful tool that is an invaluable resource in the repertoire of a healed, mature soul.

~ J. Ryan