How to Heal Your Emotional Wounds

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity (Video Series by Robert Najemy)

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 1 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 2 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 3 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 4 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 5 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 6 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 7

The Language of Feelings (Video)

Narcissistic Illusion & External Validation of False Self

Self Love: You Attract The Relationships You Need to Heal (Video)

What is a Healthy Conversation?

A codependent person who has adapted to meet the needs of their primary care takers learns that their needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings are unimportant. The message this person received is that she is worthless. He learns that the primary care takers, who are generally narcissistic and abusive are the only ones who matter in the relationship, and this trickles down to daily conversations in adulthood.

So growing up with the adaptation of codependency in order to develop, albeit thwarted, a person who was disregarded, ignored, abandoned, humiliated and exploited as a child will grow up accustomed to patterns of relationship that are screwy.

Once you begin to heal and you start to see the truth, and you start to realize that you have worth and value, you start to see the truth in the people who are in your life. You can also see right through people who approach you day-to-day. There is a huge difference in the way people converse with you and approach you who are healthy, verses those who are manipulating and exploiting you. Once your eyes are open, they cannot be closed. Once you realize your worth, you will be turned off by narcissistic people and/or people who talk at you rather than with you and/or people who ignore you and send subtle messages of disregard in conversation.

Tip-offs to Unhealthy Interactions

• They don't answer you directly.
• They change the subject after you have said something that is of importance to you.
• They ignore what you just said and keep talking.
• During conversation, you make a point and they ignore your point and say other things that totally disregards your point.
• They ask you personal and private questions that are none of their business.
• They make a negative comment about your own personal life choice(s).
• They mock a decision you've made--this can be something small, like the workout method you've chosen--and proceed to tell you that their way is better.
• They try to convince you to change your mind.
• When you answer their question, they spout off a sarcastic projection about why you feel that way, one that is not based in truth--and they don't bother to respectfully clarify what you were trying to say. (ie: they won't let you be yourself).
• Tricky people act like they agree with everything you say until one day, they explode with anger and rage apparently from truths you have shared about yourself in the past. 
• They talk negatively about other people, places, things. This can be a subtle manipulative technique to anchor your mindset and control you in several different ways. Beware of people who gossip and talk incessantly in a negative way by complaining.
• Putting you down in any way.  
• You experience uncomfortable feelings as they are pressuring you to answer questions that you don't know the answer to or you don't feel like answering.  
• You experience uncomfortable feelings which are possibly their emotional projections that you, as an empathic person may be picking up on--that is, the emotions they don't deal with you may be feeling as you're relating with them. 
• A person may bait you into their victimization and try to get you to tell them they are okay. In reality, no one can do this job for them, so it's uncomfortable for you to try, but you may feel compelled or obligated to do so.
• A person who is shaming towards you in actions, body language or words. 
• A person who asks questions and doesn't respect your boundaries when you say you'd prefer not to answer. 
• A person who has expectations of you that you can tell are there, but that you don't know what it is they need or want from you, or even if you can fulfill what they want or need.
• A person who has an agenda, wants to use you, wants to sell you a product, or use you for sex or use you to increase their social standing, or whatever.

A Real Conversation

A real conversation with a healthy person is a 2 way conversation, one in which both parties share their feelings openly and are able to emote moderately without offending each other.

• Both parties can discuss their true feelings without being afraid of hurting the other person's feelings, or causing resentment in the other.
• Each person takes care of their own self by expressing how they feel in the moment, rather than bottling things inside.
• Each person respects the others boundaries and each person is able to put up boundaries when they feel they're being invaded.
• Neither party expects the other to take care of the other emotionally because both parties are actively taking care of themselves.
• Each party is assertive enough in their communication to express his or her needs and mature enough to take care of themselves when the other party says no.
• No one takes responsibility for the feelings of either person.  
• Both parties feel confident and secure enough in their own reality that they are able to express themselves clearly without feeling guilty, ashamed or responsible for the other party's reaction.
• Both parties are living in the present day reality and not repressing, denying or projecting their true feelings.
• Each person cares about the feelings of the other person, but does not try to shield the other person from one's own reality to the extent that it protects the other person, but decreases the existence of oneself.  
• Both parties are emotionally regulated, so they're not triggered back to childhood during a normal conversation where one person is expressing needs, feelings, wants and preferences.

What a Real Conversation is Not

A conversation that is not real is not really a conversation among 2 people at all. A false conversation is a conversation amongst one or more false selves of the individuals in the transaction. It is based on a misunderstanding of personal worth, value and mutual respect. Unreal conversations are among people who are A. narcissistic and unwilling to take responsibility, and B. codependent and willing to take all the responsibility. Neither party of an unreal conversation is grounded in truth. Some really messed-up, toxic engagements can occur in an unreal conversation.

• One or both parties is shut down emotionally and has difficulty expressing how they feel. 
• Anyone in the relationship trying to persuade, control or manipulate the other person against his or her will.
• Disrespecting the boundaries of the other person. 
• Anyone in the relationship having to be right all the time.
• One party speaking, and the other party speaking, but neither speaking with each other.
• One party discussing issues that he or she has with the other, and the receiving party taking offense because he or she feels imperfect and exposed due to unhealed childhood traumas.
• Invalidation of the truth of either party.  
• Yelling, raging, berating for no reason (obviously abusive).
• Gaslighting, love bombing, needling or any narcissistic or psychopathic abuse tactic.

 A REAL CONVERSATION

A real conversation is give and take. Both parties can be  open. Both parties can expect to be responded to and their positions affirmed. Whether or not the other party agrees, he or she can always affirm the other. Invalidation is the seed of disrespect.

You must ensure that all of your interactions are respectful with everyone in your life. This is YOUR JOB, not the job of the other person. You must be sure to express your truth openly, and ensure that the other person hears you and responds to YOU, not to their projection of who you are. There is so much I could say on this topic, but you get my point. There is a difference between a healthy conversation and an unhealthy one.

Tweak your interactions so that you are heard, validated and respected as a human being and you will see your own personal power and energy soar to new heights! You deserve it.

103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 

1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
51. Codependents do not know themselves.
52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
    
78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.