20 Reasons Why Narcissists Don't Like People with Boundaries

1. People with boundaries are impossible to manipulate.
2. People with boundaries can spot a narcissist more easily who is trying to bust their boundaries.
3. Narcissists can only abuse people who think they are worthless and don't know their rights.
4. Narcissists are looking for easy prey; a person with boundaries is too much work.
5. Boundaries are the manifestation of your inner strength and self-work.
6. Narcissist parents groom their children not to have boundaries so they can exploit them.
7.  The narcissist's agenda is to overpower and control you, this is not possible if you have boundaries.
   
8. Boundaries keep you safe from the narcissist's plans to exploit you.
9. A person with boundaries cannot be exploited.
10. A person with boundaries trusts their own heart and will notice subtle manipulation tactics.
11. Boundaries show that a person doesn't have any weaknesses that the narcissist can use to push-your-buttons.
12. A person with boundaries shows the narcissist what is wrong with them; their issues become exposed.
13. A person with boundaries is frustrating to the narcissist.
14. A person with boundaries cannot be run over and controlled.
15. A person with boundaries does not give his or her power away.
16. A person with boundaries expects equal and fair treatment--the narcissist is not interested in equality.
17. Boundaries shield you from the narcissist's plans to hurt you and destroy you.
18. Boundaries show that you have enough self esteem to walk away if the narcissist continues to disrespect you.
19. Narcissists want someone who will willingly accept their abuse without protecting themselves.
20. A person with boundaries understands who they are and what their rights are--that means they're not willing to bow down and accept whatever the narcissist plans for his or her life.

Your Relationships Are a Projection of Your Current Vibration

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source

There may not be any searches for this topic and I don't care. I'm doing this topic because it's important. Even if you don't think this is something you need to hear, listen to it anyway. There will be info that speaks to you if you open your heart, no matter what your life situation. Please share, leave comments and subscribe. Thanks!









How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 1 of 3
   

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 2 of 3

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 3 of 3

Creeps Don't Matter. YOU DO.

2 FACED AGAINST SELF

This is NOT a fun post. Get ready...

LOVING someone actively who is not loving you is an act of SELF HATRED and shows lack of internal boundaries and childhood trauma.

Worrying about what other people think about you and your life and changing your truth to fit in is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and abandonment of self; a form of being 2-faced against self. It causes perpetual emotional wounding to occur unconsciously. This wound causes painful negative emotions to bubble up from the core (false core beliefs) that are the root of addictive behavior and a catalyst for traumatic bonding.

Letting someone who is abusive towards you in any way back into your life is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and a form of being 2-faced against yourself. You must love yourself from the inside out and install internal boundaries to block yourself from seeking nurture from the betrayal source.

Reaching out to a hurtful p;erson as a source of nurture is Self Destructive.

Yearning and longing for a person who is abusive to you is a way of being 2-faced against yourself. (At war with yourself -- split)

Reaching out for someone who is abusive to you is like hitting your precious self.

Loving / longing for someone who is emotionally or physically abusive towards you is an act of internal violence against yourself. A form of self hatred.

Loving or longing for someone who is abusive towards you is a work against self... pushes healthy, real relationships away and replaces with safer, painful relationships that fit with your faulty programming.

Loving or longing for someone who is emotionally abusive towards you is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Taking responsibility for everything in a relationship that goes wrong and letting all of your boundaries be violated is complete ABANDONMENT OF SELF. The act of not setting boundaries keeps you in the perfect position to be traumatically bonded to the Perpetrator and keeps you from existing at all.

Reaching for someone who has betrayed your trust or shown you unkindness and disrespect is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Allowing others to disregard your boundaries is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION. You are saying...

"I do not exist."

"I do not matter."

Some of us were trained to exchange our very existence for conditional love. This is accomplished by failing to maintain boundaries both internally and externally with other people.

We fool ourselves into believing that this person is more important to us EVEN than we are to OUR OWN SELVES!!! Giving the other person precedence, we forget who we are and abandon our own needs, wants, desires, feelings and more.

We fault find ourselves to keep this abusive, conditional-love source active and engaged, providing us with a "fix" for our deeper emotional issue--that of abandoning our TRUE SELVES.

Giving up self to hold semblance of worthiness in eyes of others is SELF DESTRUCTIVE, self hatred, 2-faced, self abandonment. 

Performing for other people and living your life to please others is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Creeps don't matter. YOU DO.

Boundaries are Your Sword & Shield

A person who trusts their intuition and knows their rights and has boundaries to protect their values is immune to long-term abuse by the narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, borderlines, energy vampire or other disordered person, that I refer to as a Zombie.

The Narcissist cannot tolerate boundaries because they cannot stand FUNCTIONAL behavior. Functional behavior, that is, the give-and-take of real feelings, emotions and expression among 2 or more people is the antithesis of toxic behavior. Narcissists need things to be dysfunctional and chaotic because this is the way they gain and maintain power and control. Your internal and external boundaries are your weapon and protection against these body snatchers.

Love is to the Narc like Holy Water is to the Vampire. Narcs cannot express feelings because love is vulnerability, and to the Zombie, this is a weakness. Since the narc wishes to control and destroy, you will see them avoiding true love at all costs.

Knowledge IS POWER. Knowing your rights will keep you safe. Knowing what you want, what you need and what you deserve--and being able to stand up for your rights and maintain your boundaries is your weapon against abuse from those who want to take you down.

Betrayal Blindness

I wrote this on this video on youtube: Betrayal Blindness. It's a survival defense mechanism. Revictimization. Betrayal blindness causes "whoosh" symptom where you have selective attention only towards the good that these vampires do. You don't even NOTICE the red flags because your mind is wired for survival. This occurs because the narcissistically abused person is required as a child to attach to the very person who is abusing them.

Betrayal Blindness is Stockholm Syndrome, a trauma bond. In order to heal, the victim needs ego strength; he/she must get in touch with feeling, intuition and instincts indicative of abuse. They need to learn to trust the little twinge in their gut, the light pressure in their heart that would tell a healthy person that something is off. They need to learn to act on their own behalf and set boundaries against abusive others.

One of the keys to steering clear of the Narc is to expose the lies from childhood, grieve the losses and get in touch with themselves somatically through mindfulness and meditation. The one abused by the narcissist needs to unfold as a person because the narcissist parent has sabotaged their individuation process in an attempt to exploit them as an extension of themselves.

It's not the victim's fault. The victim just does what he or she can to survive as a child as not attaching to the abuser would lead to death for a child. As an adult we don't need anyone so badly, even though we were taught that we do. We can stand on our own and protect ourselves. It's hard to heal.

Good luck to you, Jenna

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html

Stockholm Syndrome - Belief by victims that survival depends on abuser. This creates emotional attachment. Reality distortion. Seeing abusers in a positive light. Existing in extreme state of dependence.

Betrayal blindness

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

If the one who betrayed you was someone you trusted and you needed to rely on to grow up and develop, a primary attachment, then you will conveniently "forget" the betrayal, or what psychologist researchers call "betrayal amnesia."

We do not process the betrayal in the normal way. If we do process the betrayal in a normal way, it is a threat to our survival.

ME: I have found that my perceptions of my current life, my life as an adult are skewed by the events in my childhood. Therefore, if I have betrayal amnesia as a child, then I will continue to allow myself to be betrayed and to ignore behaviors that seem indicative of betrayal to a healthy person who did not experience the childhood betrayal trauma that I endured. 

I have proven this to myself numerous times throughout my healing and child abuse recovery process. As I heal and allow myself to feel my own blocked, repressed, frozen and projected emotions, which occurs as I face the wounds that occurred in childhood... as I reassess the situation from today's prospective and realize that the abuse was not my fault, was not an indication of my worth, but rather... that I place blame on the appropriate parties (my caretakers) whether they intended to abuse me or not... then I become aware of actions and behaviors of others towards me which mirror the original abusers actions but that are conducted by people in my present-day relationships. 

Basically, I attract abusive people, and I allow abusive people to come into my life--despite knowing the indicators of an abuser because I selectively "forget" such interactions just as I did in childhood. Once I process and integrate the abusive situations one-by-one, then I am able to see the truth not only of the original abuser(s), but also of people that I am in relationship with in my present every day reality. 

There is a "selective information processing" funnel going on in my mind where I disregard information that tells me that this person is highly likely to abuse me. I follow the conditioned pattern of childhood, where I was conditioned to ATTACH to the person who was abusing me in order to survive. I'm still adept at ATTACHING to abusive people even though I'm older now and I know better. The habitual patterns are deeply engrained. I am able to uncover said patterns only a bit at a time because the shattering of my spirit was so replete from multiple childhood abuses. 


These abuses occurred when I was dependent on people who were abusing me to survive. I had no other choice but to disregard the actions of abuse that happened to me. That is, to pretend like it wasn't happening. To pretend like they really did care about me. To pretend like they really did love me, even though all the evidence pointed to disregard, disrespect, disgust and disdain. 

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

"If we process the betrayal in the normal way, then we will be motivated to stop interacting with the betrayer." Instead, we essentially need to ignore the betrayal."

The child must continue to please the abuser to inspire caregiving and attachment in order to survive. It would be dangerous for a child to withdraw from a caregiver she is dependent on. This threatens the very life of the child.

So I selectively forget and selectively ignore instances of abuse in my present relationships because I still have the fear of death lingering in me. My wounded child self believes it will die if it notices neglect, disregard, invalidation or other abuses both indirect and covert. 

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/useful-articles/trust-issues/
REMEMBER: Doubts are inner signals that you are not sure. You need to listen to them before making any decision.

Restoring trust in yourself allows you to become more self-reliant. This will reduce your dependency on others who may let you down or betray your trust. Also as you begin to trust yourself more, you will begin to trust others and trust in a better future.

When people react negatively to a victim's disclosure, notably by disbelieving and blaming the victim, this can compound the damage done by the assault.

https://books.google.com/books?id=00xQWxsmYwAC&pg=PT39&lpg=PT39&dq=betrayal+child+abuse+recovery&source=bl&ots=WrtoE9C7iP&sig=AcMz5IzxPvSkKj5FbLFpqbcl6nw&hl=en&sa=X&ei=4_PvVP6BJtPrggSc04HABQ&ved=0CE0Q6AEwCDgK#v=onepage&q&f=false

Blind to Betrayal

Betrayal sets victims up to be revictimized. - Mark Walker case, parole officer & rapist.
one way betrayal is so toxic. it sets up victims to be revictimized.

The victim displayed a frozen response during the abuse.


"natural reactions to betrayal are to withdraw or confront"

for the child, remaining blind to the betrayal in the first place eliminates the need to pretend.

parents are supposed to love and protect us

blind - confusion & darkness

unable to see, unwilling to see and understand

the need to trust is a powerful blinding agent

Ongoing betrayal can only occur when there is some deception that is undetected. Sometimes this is due to lack of information, but other times it's linked to betrayal blindness where one is aware of information but its presence is "whooshed away."

discovery of betrayal makes one aware that the world is not the same. Someone who was trusted is now considered unsafe. Betrayal has a fundamental impact on ones perception of reality.

throws you off balance. tips you over.

everything I know to be true is not true. insidious

"early betrayals make us think that we are crazy.

Me: distorts reality. distorts perceptions. wigs you out.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-j-birrell-and-jennifer-j-freyd/betrayal-blindness-how-an_b_3146159.html

Betrayal Blindness: How and Why We 'Whoosh' Away Knowledge of Betrayal in Relationships