How to Let Go of Someone Who Is Abusing You

Love Your Enemies Rant

Having animosity, even towards one person, pulls it onto yourself. What you focus on, you become. You are a powerful co-creator. You have to get to the place where you wish even your enemies good will. You are a vibrational being. You cannot afford to think badly of others, even the creeps--even the narcissists. What you think, you become. The things you dislike in others often represents the shadow side of yourself that's repressed, buried and denied about you. Use your ill will feelings towards others as a guide into your own heart, to get to know yourself better. Wish everyone well. Hope for the best for everyone. Disregard that old way of living in which you're competitive and envious with others. The higher you lift those who are around you, the higher you yourself will go. Become a vibrant beam of magnetic attraction of good, positive energy. Win the war by loving everyone and wanting the best for all. While you're healing, recognize bad behavior, but don't dwell on it, just move away from it. Move to people who are nurturing, nourishing, get out of the game, get out of the drama triangle by loving and wanting the best--even better than you--for those around you. This is where source is bringing me. To love my enemies, to wish the best for those I used to envy, breaking free of the game and loving. Jesus was right. Love begets love. <3

Stop Focusing On Toxic People in Your Life

My latest area of growth is in my areas of focus. For a long time I needed to focus on negative people and actions of others just to become aware of it. So for several years I've spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on negative behaviors of those around me that I was in so-called "relationship" with. I would call them out, post about it on FB, write blog posts about it. That was an important time of growth and awareness. I needed that time to separate ME from the negative environment I found myself in. I had to figure out how to set boundaries, how to walk away from toxic relationships, how to trust my intuition.

But there comes a time when you figure it out. I got it now. I know what poor behavior is. I know the silent treatment. I know gaslighting. I know the narcissist. I know it when I see it. Yeah, I still attract it to some extent--to a large extent. But what I'm learning to do now is ignore it. Let go of it. Stop pointing at it in my life because okay, calling them out does no good. Knowing what they're doing to me and getting them out of my life is enough. Enough already! Enough.

Now I am learning to focus on building positive connections and creating meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Sometimes it's easier to sit there and point the finger at mean people than it is to just be vulnerable and call up a friend who is kind. I'm learning to adjust my attention from negative behavior, to noticing those around me who are good, who are present, who are there for me. I'm opening my heart, giving my attention to those who give back. I'm looking for the positive, healthy loving people who care about me--no longer trying to change people who do not. It's so much more productive!

And the toxic relationships are falling away; for the first time, I'm experiencing true connection. Letting the good in and keeping the bad out. Give and take. Forgiving and forgetting. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and express them moderately with another person. Setting boundaries. Being respected. Wow. What a difference! What a better way to pass the time than to focus on abusive others.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to focus on the abuse you're enduring, but once you notice it, get out and stop focusing on it. Whatever you focus on you will draw to you. We create our own reality. So it's important to know what you're dealing with, and then to let them go. Send them on their way with love and light. We are all united. We are all part of the same whole. Nothing is gained by hating them. Just let them go.

Open your heart to the love that surrounds you. Give the healthy people who love you more of your time and attention. You find them everywhere, if only you stop looking to negative, painful and abusive others. Focus on people who are doing you right. If you don't know any, focus on finding them.

- Jenna Ryan 2016

Zero Tolerance for Bad Behavior

One thing about me. I PUT UP WITH ZERO BAD BEHAVIOR from other people in my life. In all areas. I always have an escape hatch and I'll walk away from anyone, anything, any time and for any reason if I feel I am being abused, used, violated or disrespected. It wasn't easy to get here, but it surely feels good now that I am here. I don't care who it is... I don't care if you're the President of the United States or the cutest potential suitor who ever entered my life--I require that everyone in my presence respect me and respect my boundaries. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I cut-off people who are rude and disrespectful of my boundaries. If I find that they are sorry and willing to make amends and stop the bad behavior, then I will let them back in my life again, slowly. Everyone makes mistakes. 

But those people who abuse me using tactics such as triangulation, gas-lighting, silent treatment, alienation, baiting, bullying, drama, withdrawal, game playing, etc... These people are removed from my life without question. I say Buhbye. It is not hard because I have no tolerance for people who abuse me. Even if it's a client and I stand to lose $100,000. I will walk away in 2 seconds. NOTHING can make me stay in a situation where I am disrespected. NOTHING.

I listen to my gut and if my feelings feel as though I'm being disrespected or dragged into something that is not in my best interest, I bow out. No explanation is needed, though sometimes I'll speak my case. Sometimes it hurts like hell, especially if you adore the person, but no one is worth your SELF RESPECT. 

I can say that since I started this practice of eliminating the people who are hurting me from my life that my life has gotten increasingly better. LIKE WAYYYYYYYYY BETTER. Better than I could have ever imagined. Each person I cut out who was abusing me ended up bringing me joy times 100 in return. Cutting abusive, manipulative people out of your life makes your life worth living again.
Some of the hardest people to say bye to were family members, and to do that, I had to have the help of a therapist. However, the people who were hardest to say goodbye to made me stronger to say bye to the easy ones, like the client who keeps trying to belittle me, dangle the carrot of money in my face or put me in triangles.

GET INFORMED as to what abuse tactics are so you can cut people off who use it. Your life will be SO MUCH BETTER. I am living proof!!!

Toxic Shame is Self Blame

Toxic shame is the result of childhood abuse in the most important formative years, between the ages of 0 to 7. Toxic shame is the residue of neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Toxic shame is what comes in place of love, trust, security, peace and contentment. Toxic shame is, in effect, a child and later adult blaming herself.

Toxic shame never goes away. It fills the holes left behind from unmet childhood developmental needs. The little human takes all the blame from the abusive adult, primary caregiver especially.

A child cannot bare to know that its caretakers are abusive or wrong in anyway, because their brains and psyche's aren't formed yet.  Instead of seeing things clearly a child's mind automatically takes the blame for every bad thing done to it and subconsciously HATES HIMSELF FOR IT. So, the child not only hurts from the abuse itself and lack of needs being met, but the child also takes on the shame of the caretakers and blames themselves for everything. This is very hard on the mind, however, it's better than crashing the harddrive. This process allows the child to mature, while repressing the truth of what's really happening to a later date, when, hopefully, the adult can handle it better. The truth, that is.

This toxic shame is like a green gunk haze over the lives of the survivor / adult. It colors everything in a negative light. You see yourself in some present-day situations as if there was something horribly wrong with you, because you're triggered back to this place of toxic shame. You feel like you're to blame, it's all your fault, and like you're supposed to fix everything, control everything...

You do anything to rid yourself of the pain of toxic shame, seek external sources of approval, relationship addiction, toxic relationships, drugs, drinking, gambling, obsessions and the like.

But there is nothing that fills the gap. The only thing that heals toxic shame is recognizing it, facing the truth, grieving your losses and meeting yourself with loving compassion. You have to show the child inside your heart the truth once and for all.

You can be healed from toxic shame. You can feel better in all areas of your life; don't settle for less. Get the help and healing you need.

Releasing Shame: Shame Falls Off in Stages

Shame falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. It reminds me of the coating on an m&m that starts cracking when you become aware of it. Become aware of shame by being mindful of your own body, thoughts, feelings, impulses. Start to categorize every impulse and feeling like this:

- sad

- angry

- happy

- content

- peaceful

- disturbed

- awkward

- comfortable

Then start tracking the negative emotion you feel. Then start looking at that negative emotion, the patterns of when you feel that way. As you know yourself, you begin to see your shame emerge.

Start dealing with little shame first, and the spiral will lead you to bigger shame. Just keep digging. Get all that toxic shit out. Face it, feel it, express it. Get to the truth.

The shame holds lies and is perpetuated by lies that you're not good enough. Shame is a feeling that occurs when you're feeling less than who you really are. Shame is caused by lies. Any time you feel it, you can know that the core belief underneath is a lie.

The shame protects you when you're young to bond with abusive caretakers, however, it kills all relationships for you as an adult and renders you powerless and weak to exploitation by other abusers. 

When you do release the shame, and see it for what it is--lies, stupid, ignorant lies.  That is the best feeling in the world!!! You will know it when it falls off, you will feel like you've been reborn. It falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. 

It's like no other high I've ever felt. 

Narcissists Lead You With Your Own Shame

The narc appeals to the false self, but cuts you at the true self. They can only get a wounded person, a person with a wounded, shame-covered true self. If you want to get free, you have to build your self esteem by removing the layers of shame from your true self.
The narcissist will lead you around by the neck using your own shame as a muzzle. If you want to be free of your bond with narcissists, then deal with your own shame. Then the narcs have no way to get power over you. Process your own weak spots, that is, shame, so you can be protected from exploitation. 

When you are ashamed of who you are as a person, you create a false self. Your true self goes into hiding because of a feeling called shame. A false self rises up to cover the shame core. This is not real shame, but toxic shame which is born of childhood abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, psychological).

The false self is the part of you that is fooled by the narcissist. The false self, the ego, so to speak... the part of you that compares yourself to others. The part of you that's always on the lookout to get love or mourn for love that's gone... the part of you that thinks it's nothing without external validation... people pleaser, that's the only part of you that can be fooled into a narcissistic traps.
That part of you exists because of shame. Shame that you are no good inside. This is a lie that is embedded into children who are neglected and abused. Instead of love and getting your needs met as a child, you were left with shame, pain and anguish.

True narcissists have so much of the false self, they can't go near it. Others who are codependent have a false self that's easier to dismantle.

Shame is what you have to face at the core.

You have to keep returning to it again and again. Thinking about it, embracing it, writing about it, doing art, processing it, talk therapy, reading books, just massaging that bullshit right out of your system until in your eyes you see it as a speck on a giant earth from outer space. Until it no longer phases you.

Break off the shame by

1. Noticing it.
2. Embracing it.
3. Separating yourself from it.
4. Positive Self Talk
5. Self Compassion/ Empathy