Real Person vs. A Zombie

Some people are not real. They may look real on the outside, in fact, some zombies look REALLY good on the outside, but nevertheless, once you engage with them, you find out they're not real at all. In fact, they are fake people with fake smiles, fake concern, fake accomplishments, fake everything. I hate that I have to write about this. I hate that there are people out there who are so self absorbed that they feel the need to suck the blood (like a vampire) from other people. Unfortunately, we need articles like this to help keep the real people safe.

Real Person	Zombie
Cares about feelings of other people. Able to put others first.  Able to love others; has empathy. Is happy for and wishes the best for others. Interested in equal, give and take relationships. Has empathy for others in pain. Does not tend to exploit others. Admits mistakes and takes responsibility for actions.  Keeps word. Associates with people who are genuine and relate-able.  Tries to build people up and encourage them.  Accepts others for who they are. Respects the boundaries of others. Give to others.  Meets the needs of others freely, even if it does not bring direct benefit. Does not cut you. Presence heals you. Keeps word, even if it hurts.  Gets trapped in triangles if he or she is unaware of the manipulations of zombies. Fills up self with self esteem from well inside own heart. Feels badly when hurts anothers feelings. Not afraid to apologize, make amends.  Considerate of other people's time, attention and resources. Interested in relating with others from equal standpoint.	Does not care about other people's feelings.  Is unable to put others first. Selfish & entitled. Cannot love others; no empathy. Envies others and wishes them ill.  Interested in unequal relationships where they always have the upper hand. Enjoys seeing people in pain. Feels entitled to exploit others. Lies to make themselves look better. Will rarely apologize or take responsibility for actions.  Keeps word only if it benefits them. Forms strategic alliances to advance themselves socially. Gossips and puts other people down. Manipulates and controls. Easily offended if someone sets a boundary. Exploit others. Refuse to meet the needs of others unless it directly meets their own needs.  Carelessly cut you and laughs while you're bleeding.  Breaks promises, even if it hurts others. Creates triangles to alienate and abuse others. Gets self esteem from reaction of others.  Enjoys tearing others down--this builds the Zombie's self esteem.

Narcissists Love to Hurt You

One thing a narcissist will do is abuse you directly. But a better tactic for the elusive narc is to have someone else abuse you instead of themselves. This keeps their hands clean. For this reason, a narcissist will almost always encourage you to...

• Stay in abusive situations.
• Ignore your own intuition.
• Feel guilty for taking up for yourself against others who bully you.
• Ignore toxic behavior.
• Just get over it.
• Blame yourself. 
• Apologize for everything.

A narcissist is not on your side. They don't care about you. As hard as this is to face, especially if this person is a family member, parent, sibling or spouse, it is something you must face in order to get out alive. The narcissist does not think like you; nor does he/she FEEL like you. They are different. They are heartless. Their only concern is for themselves, how they look. They only feel worthy when they make others feel unworthy. It's that simple.

They live to put you down and make you feel rotten, especially if you're a threat. If you're a threat, the narcissist will do everything possible to pull you down and trick you into feeling badly about yourself. They will manipulate you into thinking that you've brought the abuse on yourself... when really, it's their "support" that's kept you hanging onto people who are abusive to you. It's vital that you get the hell away from people who encourage you to stay in abusive or toxic situations. Someone who really cares about you wants to keep you from harm. A true person will encourage you to protect yourself at all costs.

If you are weak in any way... if you are needy in any way... if you harbor any self doubt whatsoever, the narcissist will hone in on this weakness and take full advantage of it. Never share your weakness with a narcissist. They feed on weak people with poor boundaries and weak sense of self. They have a sixth sense for vulnerability and are sizing you up constantly to see what they can exploit.Your pain is narcissistic supply to the narcissist... just like blood to the vampire.

Their ultimate goal is to steal you away from you. They want you to be dumb, confused and easy to control. Their self esteem is derived from making others feel like crap. They subtly encourage you to stay in abusive situations thus harming you without them actually doing it directly. When they're able to do this effectively, they get a little "kick" in their heart... like when a normal person feels when we are generous or make someone happy. A narcissist feels good when she inflicts pain on you.

The toxic behaviors of the narcissist ARE PAINFUL to a real person who has a real (not fake) heart. A real person has feelings and needs and wants true connection. The narcissist promises connection but then renigs on the deal at the last minute--after they feel they've dominated you. Their greatest pleasure is to cause others pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. When you hurt, the narc feels like she has won, and in a way, she has.

If you allow yourself to be duped by the false promises of the narcissist to love and treat you with respect, then you can only look to yourself for the reason why. Why would you subject yourself to the put-downs, lies and manipulations of the narcissist? You must find out and repair those old wounds.

The only real way to win against the narcissist is to get away from them. They can never love and will forever hate you because you can. They will try to pull you into your web by getting close to your non-narc friends and family, but don't fall for the triangulation. The narcissist is all mirrors and lights. They have nothing you need. They can add nothing and can take nothing away. You are free and beautiful and amazing. Go out and love yourself and find real people to love. <3

Love Bombing

Love Bombing is a very common tactic used by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other toxic individuals to lure a victim into trusting him or her and gaining power and control over the victim's life. Love bombing can occur in lovers, friends, family--anywhere you find a narcissist or toxic person. Examples of love bombing include any of the following types of behaviors...

• Texting you all the time
• Telling you you're their soul mate.
• Putting you in the same context as their long-term ex or ex husband or wife.
• Wanting to take you out.
• Liking everything that you say or do.
• Being over all crazy about you.
• Doing favors for you, going out of their way for you.
• Be extremely passionate sexually.
• I feel like you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen their whole lives.
• Being selfless while focusing totally on you.
• Progressing the relationship quickly.
• Future faking. (Making comments about a future that never happens...)
• Sweeping you off your feet.
• Promising you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship.
• Professing to be your best friend.
• Rushing to have sex, move-in together, get married.
• Sending you letters, emails, texts professing love and devotion.
• Being constantly available to you.
• Selflessly meeting your needs.
• Seeming to think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.
• Wanting to spend every moment with you.
• Tying up all your time on the phone, via text or in person.

Love Bombing is a tactic for brainwashing people. This tactic is often used by religious groups to recruit new members. Love Bombing is a cult-favorite and very disoriented for the victim. The victim feels flattered and overwhelmed by all the attention and adoration he or she gets from the love bomber. The Love Bomber is merely a sheep in wolves clothing... What originally feeds this victim will eventually feed off of her.

How Does Love Bombing Work?

Love Bombing works in the following ways to disorient, overwhelm and over-take the victim's normal thought processes:

• Causes the victim to feel flattered.
• Promises a needy victim the love he or she never got before.
• Isolates the victim from friends, family, etc... because focus is on Love Bomber.
• Causes the victim to ignore red flags because he or she is so intrigued by the constant flow of attention.
• Causes the victim to emotionally depend on the love bomber.
• Causes a feeling of reciprocity in the victim which makes him feel obligated to pay back the kindness of the love bomber in the future. 
• Incites the fantasies of ideal love / fairytale love in the victim which ultimately become a trap.
• Cause victim to trust the love bomber.
• Take the victim off track from their own internal guidance system.
• Cause the victim to believe that the love bomber truly cares.
• Cause the victim to disbelieve negative behavior of the love bomber which will come eventually.

The Problem with Love Bombing

The problem with love bombing is that it is not real. Sure, it would be great if another person would come along, sweep us off our feet, tell us we're the greatest person on earth, and give us the 24/7 unconditional love we missed-out-on as a kid. Yes, that would be nice... and we CAN get that kind of love, but not from a stranger. The kind of love the love bomber promises to fill is the kind of love that you can only give to yourself. You've got to love yourself the way the love bomber is pretending to love you.

Plus, the love bomber is so taken by you, that he MUST eventually give up the charade. It's not healthy to have someone so attached, attracted and dependent on you. Eventually, this person who is all over you will swing back the other way and become the opposite toward you. This is where things get painful for the unaware victim of love bombing.

The Results of Love Bombing

If you are taken away by the love bombing tactics of the narcissist, you're in for a very hard fall. These disordered people gain your trust, promise you the sun and stars, then drop you in mid air from an airplane without a parachute. You hit the ground. Kerplunk! It hurts! The key is steering clear of love bombers in the first place... Or, making sure you don't put all your eggs in this love bomber's basket to begin with. Also, allowing people to unfold over time instead of allowing them to rush you into a relationship or friendship before you're ready.

The Love Bomber is attempting to brainwash you by meeting all your needs and being super-attentive towards you. He or she subconsciously knows that they are hijacking your internal judgment system. Eventually, when she is done and has what she wants from you, she will discard you like a piece of trash. This is a very common tactic of the narcissist. To discard you. This is part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Once you are hooked on this narcissist, it's too late. Your judgment is thwarted. Your identity is stolen. You get your sole source of feeling good from this person who once loved you, but is now treating you with disdain. The toxic process of devaluation includes these types of behaviors:

• Ignoring your texts.
• Not texting you anymore, or reaching out to call you.
• Not wanting to see you anymore.
• Withdrawing from the relationship.

These tactics are control tactics that narcs use to exact narcissistic supply from their victims. These tactics are also signals to your subconscious that you're doing something wrong and that you need to change what you're doing to please the narcissist. These tactics also teach you that something is wrong with you... (especially if you already have issues with this negative core belief to begin with). 

After the love bombing phase, you begin to see that it was all an act. This person didn't love you or care about you at all. You were simply taken for a fool and then you're stuck with an awful, painful mess of sorting through how you gave yourself away to a liar. This is where healing can begin.

Hidden Messages of Toxic People

How do you know if a friend, acquaintance or family member is toxic? There are some usual tell-tale signs. First of all, you must know, when you're dealing with a toxic person, you're not simply engaging with them. You are in a battle; a battle for power and control. Toxic people base their interactions on power and control. They want to engage with you, but only in a way that puts them on top, and you on bottom.

Unfortunately, these disordered human beings feel out-of-sorts when you are equal. They need to feel superior in order to maintain their self esteem. They come across as aloof and as though they don't need you, when in reality, they're quite needy. They only get their self esteem from external sources... from doing things that subtly put you in your "place." One of the main ways a toxic person sends a message of inequality to those around him or her is through subtle ignoring, withdrawal and the Silent Treatment. This is the process of leaving you hanging, not answering your texts, not responding to your invitations or checking their phone when the two of you are having lunch.

Checking phone when you're in mid sentence during lunch, dinner or other 2 way conversation. 

You may think this is no big deal, when in fact, it is a big deal because it sends a subconscious (and often conscious) message that you are not worth listening to. It causes the speaker to question him or herself and to feel less-than interesting. If a speaker is codependent and unaware of this mean toxic tactic, he or she may try harder to engage the ignoring other, or simply be quiet, assuming that what they say is not important. Everyone has a need to be heard. You have a right to expect your needs to be met, and you have a right to be heard. A toxic person ignoring you as you're speaking is rude and inconsiderate. If you continue to put up with this behavior, it will erode your self esteem.

When I am eating, drinking and/or conversing with someone, I am aware of the messages that the other person is sending to me. I listen to my own gut about how I feel. If I feel uneasy, or if the person starts ignoring me as I am speaking, I stop speaking. I may even let them know that I can't talk while someone is texting others. If they won't stop after I set a boundary, I will end the lunch. Yes, I will get up and walk away. Life is too short to pour myself out to disrespectful people. I need my self esteem and I need people who respect me enough to listen to me and show me that they are interested in what I have to say. I MATTER and so do you.

Ignoring your texts.

This is an interesting one. There are 2 types of ignoring (probably more, but I'm only dealing with 2). One type is when you send a text and the person never responds. The second type is when you say something and the person glosses over what you said by not answering. Here's a nice breakdown of unacceptable behavior of toxic people that over time will rob you of your self esteem and take away from you rather than build you up.

"A skilled emotional manipulator gets you to put your sense of self worth and emotional well-being into his hands. Once you make that grave mistake, he methodically and continually chips away at your identity and self-esteem until there's little left." ~ Psychopaths and Love 

1. Not responding to your initial text. This is a sign that the other person is not interested in communicating with you or that they did not receive the text. You can let this slide once, but if it happens 3 times within a few months, you can bet this person is sending you a subtle message that you are unimportant and less-than them. If a person is too busy to send a quick text back, this person is too busy for you. Go find someone more interested in you who can meet your needs equally.

2. Saying something totally unrelated to what you've said. Some people have the nerve to totally ignore your topics of conversation by text, phone or in person. They may not answer your question, but instead say whatever it is they want to say. This is a subtle form of dissing. It sends a message to your subconscious that you are invisible; and that what you have to say is not important.

3. Not responding to the last thing you said. How hard is it to send a smiley face? Say haha or finish up a conversation? I've noticed that people who have a stake in being one-up over others do not reply or finish conversations. They leave things open, which leaves you feeling like you just said the most stupid thing in the world. I know this is subtle, but that's how nuts toxic people are. They use every opportunity to dominate over others and make people they're dealing with feel less-than and worthless.

4. Waiting a long time to respond to texts. Everyone is busy. We live in a busy world, and we can't expect to be at the top of everyone's agenda 24 hours a day, however, there is a limit to how busy a person should be before you scrap the relationship and find someone else who is more attentive to your needs for reciprocity.  If someone you're dealing with consistently fails to respond to your texts in a timely manner, or leaves you hanging, then you could be dealing with a toxic person who is trying to dominate you and ultimately control you. I recommend letting this person know this behavior is bothersome and setting a boundary to protect yourself from being negated in any way.

Some people like this you have to deal with, for example people at work and/or family members. Other people, you have a choice to walk away and find people who treat you well. I have found that the text process is a great way to find out if you're dealing with a person who is sane... that is, interested in a reciprocal, give-and-take, equal relationship... or the opposite. A narcissistic control freak who wants to gain power over you--or somewhere in between.

Being less available.

A toxic person is all about controlling you. When you are being controlled by a toxic person, you may not even realize it. They do little things. Tiny things that seem like no big deal to you. Let's say, for example, they are pulling the Sweet/Mean Cycle on you. They want to control some aspect of your life, so they've been LOVE BOMBING you by being nice and meeting all your needs--and more. Now, it's time for the leveling. This is when the narcissist goes from idealizing you to devaluing you. Some toxic people use this process to control you and bring you back into line.

You may not realize it, but you will subconsciously notice that the toxic person is no longer attending to you like before. You may not see it plainly, but deep down, you will associate this person's poor, declining treatment of you as an indication that they're no longer happy with you. You're no longer accepted. Maybe you got a new job, a new boyfriend or a raise. A disordered person, who was there for you like Mother Theresa when you were down, now suddenly starts pulling away. Subconsciously, you may start to sabotage your new found happiness in order to maintain this relationship. WATCH OUT. This is a powerful form of control that can cripple your life and frustrate you immensely.

Pay attention when people are there for you and when you are feeling needy. Notice changes in the relational style of those closet to you, especially if you've been a victim of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse. It may not be you. You may be the puppet of a toxic controlling person without even realizing it!

Insinuating there is something wrong with you and/or your decisions and life choices.

Let's face it. Happy, well-adjusted people with high self esteem do not feel the need to tear others down or to make them feel like there is something wrong with them. It is only people who feel little, insecure and intimidated that will go the extra mile to try to make you feel badly. A toxic person is very subtle, but will make statements and ask little questions that are intended to make you second guess yourself. Watch for this! Someone who loves and cares about you, someone who is good for you will build you up and encourage you--they won't be making little digs that negate and deflate you. A healthy person will not cause you to have to defend yourself or give excuses. Only sick, unhealthy people try to downgrade others.

The key to stopping these negative messages from infiltrating your soul is to build your own identity and seek out healthy people. Do whatever it takes to build a positive support system of people who are on your side and who are not toxic. Weed out negative toxic people from your life by limiting your communication and time you spend with them. Remind yourself that you matter. Continue to cultivate rich friendships with people who value you and who have something to offer. Steer clear from envious others and those with an agenda. So much more I could say, but this is all for today.

One Safe Place (Song)

Hurtful People Are Not True Friends

It's one thing to keep friends together, but some friends are not worth keeping!!! It doesn't matter how long you've known a person. If you are continuously being hurt, invalidated, disrespected, smothered or ignored, then you need to get away--no question. Even if this person is a beloved family member, parent, child, sibling, you can't allow others to push you around, use and abuse you!!! You must draw boundaries to protect yourself!!! Set limits to keep toxic people, bullies, invalidators and narcissists away!!! You cannot change them. You can only change yourself, so stop trying to help them.

Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty, stupid or ashamed for walking away from a person who is hurting you is themselves TOXIC. Don't listen!!! They want you to stay the way you are for selfish reasons. They don't care about you or your feelings or your peace or your future. People who care so little for you that they would encourage you to be a doormat and keep hurtful people in your life are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Find people who SUPPORT YOU in your journey. Someone who loves you backs you up. Someone who loves you respects YOUR decisions to end relationships, take a step back or go No Contact. A true friend respects your decisions and encourages you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe. A true friend is on your side.

Instead of fighting these manipulators and defending yourself against their poisonous darts, put them at arms length. Give yourself more room to breathe. Life is so much more!!! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel!!! I promise!!!

REMEMBER: It is a PRIVILEGE to know you.

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU