What rule does it break? Something that hurt me so many times from different people throughout my life needed to have a rule... but there was nothing, so for years I suffered in silence through the neglectful disconnection I received from countless others without being able to put my finger on what was wrong.
Whenever you are neglected emotionally as a child, you become an adult who is missing a lot of things. You are missing key components of relationship interactions. A neglected child is a child who didn't have the back-and-forth interaction that a normal healthy child gets to have, so he or she doesn't learn what is good, bad, right or wrong, upside down or right side up. So much is confusing. Neglect causes an adult to be clueless in relationships, not knowing what is good and/or bad treatment. Such a deficient upbringing causes one to lean towards maltreatment. It's like an airplane with a GPS out of whack. Inevitably you end up crashing into an abusive relationship and feeling the pain of being burned alive inside.
And, if you are like I was, you blame yourself for the crash which makes it hurt even worse. You take all the blame and feel shamed for what? You don't really know. All you know is that you are upside down, feeling bad from a situation or interaction and you don't know what this person did to cause such devastation. You can't name it, so you figure the problem is with you. You don't for a moment think that there is something disrespectful about the engagement. Something that the other person should or should not be doing that you need him or her to do. You don't know what you need or what they didn't do that you need so you blame/shame yourself.
Even trying to explain this--disconnection--in relationship is devilishly hard, but I'm trying. I feel it, but have to blog around it to express the core of how it's wrong.
It could be something as small as an unanswered text, a rejecting comment, a misunderstanding that was never made straight. A yawn. Selective memory. Here's a list of disconnections that I've noticed:
Friend who doesn't track you
Have you ever had a friend who pops into your life, once a week, once a month, once a year and acts like your best buddy, but doesn't bother to ask how you're doing any other time? Or fails to ask about that death in your family, or the new job you just landed? There is no continuation with this friend and you feel it, but you can't put your finger on it. Like a movie that has big chunks of the story line missing. You're close enough to warrant tracking. After all, when you are with this friend, you feel love and happiness, but when you part ways to live your life, it's like you disappear from their lives. A text to them gets a nil response, as if they want you to go away. This hurts, but you may feel like you're too needy--or maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to go? No, that doesn't work for me.
Tracking is a respectful way to show that you respect and love another person. It is a skill that can be learned, and when it is not used, it can leave the receiver feeling badly and disconnected. This is not okay. It's not okay to engage continually with someone who fails to track you. I understand some people may have their own issues--but still, it's important for your own psychological well being to be around people who connect with you in a healthy way, and don't drop you like it's hot in between your face-to-face interactions. Does that make sense?
The therapist who doesn't remember that a dog bit you a few weeks ago
Yes, this actually happened to me. I was going to this therapist and she kept forgetting every day information that I was sharing during session. Like the time I went to list a house and the chiuahuah bit me and drew blood. I was sharing how happy I was to have set a boundary and stayed in the bathroom until they picked the dog up--but that's another story...
This therapist! She had great credentials. She went to Columbia University for Freud's sake! She wasn't tracking me by remembering my life. I didn't realize this was happening at the time. I didn't realize that this process of her forgetting things, and me reminding her, and me not being offended by this behavior--because it wasn't on my radar-- I didn't realize that this is VERY RUDE. It is a huge sign of disrespect. It was a covert way for her to establish superiority over me.
Instead of calling her out, setting a boundary and showing her that I have a right to exist, I went along meekly, while helping her out by repeating myself each session to catch up her memory. I actually went out of my way to MEET HER NEED TO forget about my life for which I was paying her healthily to help me process. My point is, if someone doesn't remember things about you, set a boundary or as in my case, get the hell out before things get worse.
Texts that say, "Hope you're having a good day!!!"
Someone who texts you every day things like, "Hope you're having a good day!!!" is not someone interested in really getting to know you. That sentence is so vague. It would be wonderful if a close friend sent it to you, knowing that you will get together and talk more soon... but for someone to randomly send these types of texts without asking you how you're doing, what you're doing and what's important to you--this is disconnection. This is a disconnected transaction. It doesn't work and it doesn't feel good. When people do this to you, notice it. It's not a good sign. Maybe they have their own issues, but you don't have time to disconnect with someone all the time.
You have a life threatening accident and they don't nurture you afterwards.
Let's say you have a life or death situation in which you are left recovering. Let's say that this person that you love and adore never bothers to call or ask you about your health ever again past day one. This is disconnecting behavior. It's as though you don't exist. It's as though your needs for nurture, care, concern, understanding, acceptance, affection, appreciation don't exist. And if you were neglected as a child, you don't even notice this behavior in others because it fits along with how you were raised. You know you hurt for some reason, but you don't know who did it--and you don't address the error with the loved one because you don't even know it occurred.
But then you grow and heal and learn that YOU MATTER and YOU HAVE RIGHTS in relationships!!! You are supposed to expect to get your needs met equally. Whew! You realize that your loved one has been overlooking your needs for years, all the while you've been the servant without complaint; paying a debt you thought you owed. That's when you have to set a big boundary and remind your loved ones that you have a right to exist and that you have new expectations for your relationship. Respect or walk is what I say.
The friend who won't validate you.
Have you ever had a friend or family member, or spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend who refuses to validate you, give you compliments or affirm you? Like you'll be going through a hard time and start talking yourself into a frenzy, pumping yourself up saying, "but I can do this!!!" and they're sitting right next to you and their body language says they disagree. Their message to you is... "I don't support you." It's the worst feeling ever.
I didn't realize that this is disrespectful towards me. Invalidation. When someone fails to back me up, verify what I'm saying, support me with kindness. This is disrespect and unacceptable. It's covert abuse because you can't put your finger on what they're doing to you. They're abusing you by what they're NOT saying, not by what they are saying, so you can't effectively set a boundary without giving them a lesson in psychology. "Invalidation is when you don't nod your head yes when I make a positive statement about myself or my situation or my future." They will totally feign ignorance and you feel like a fool.
And you feel like a fool. Less than. That's what happens when someone fails to back-you-up in those times. This is disconnection. You feel like you're doing something wrong, without realizing that it is the other person's issue. THEY ARE THE ONES who cannot stand to see your need for validation to be met. They won't give you one drop--especially the little drops in between where you can't catch them not giving it to you.
Why? Because if your friend were to validate you, stay connected with you, respect you, call you for a few days a little extra when you're sick, reach out to you in between times of being with you, answering your texts in a respectful and timely manner... if your friend would do this for you, it would meet your needs. Loving behavior and connecting is what meets our needs. They don't want to meet your needs because they don't want to give one drop. Some may not know how. Others are literally holding back in order to cripple you.
If your needs are met, and you feel connected, you feel safe, free, loved, happy and content. That's how we are supposed to feel in relationships. It's not supposed to be about power plays, superiority, less than, one-up, disconnection. It's supposed to be about LOVE AND RESPECT. And now that I've healed and I understand my own worth and value more fully, I can protect myself from people who do things that are disconnecting towards me. I can back-off the relationship, I can tend to myself, I can set boundaries and make choices as to where I will put my energy and concern. I can nurture relationships that are full of connection and protect myself from taking the blame for what I now can clearly see.
And day by day, month by month, year by year, I see a little clearly what I missed. I can fill in the spaces with self love and self respect, and ease my own pain. I can recognize disconnection for what it is, a form of rejection--no matter how sick or inept the person doing the harming. I can connect with others who are present enough to connect with me. I hope this helps.
You are worthy of acceptance, connection and protection.
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