Who Cares What She Thinks?

I have always been overly concerned about what other people think about me and my life. I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I'm definitely one of the few people who will admit this to the world. It's hard to admit. I am a recovering People Pleaser and I've been trained since infancy to seek approval and validation not from within, but externally from others.

• I was not taught to trust in my own intuition.
• I was not taught to determine my own values.
• I was not taught that I had a right to set my own values.
• I was not taught that I had a right to make my own decisions.
• I was not taught that I had the ability to make sound decisions.
• I was not taught that I have a right to preferences in how others treat me.
• I was not taught that I have a right to expect others to treat my body with respect.
• I was not taught that I have needs.
• I was not taught that my feelings matter.
• I was not taught that I matter. 
• I was not taught that I have a right to express my needs.
• I was not taught that I could be loved without subjugating myself to the will of another person.
• I was not taught that I could be imperfect and still be loved.
• I was not taught that I could trust my own inner knowing. 
• I was not taught that I deserve to be validated.
• I was not taught that I deserve to speak and be heard.
• I was not taught that I have any rights to human dignity.  

When I was a child, I was not connected to myself. I was emotionally and physically abused. This childhood trauma was chronic throughout my formative years--from age 0 to 7 years old. I was beaten and punished for playing with toys and for having normal feelings. I was taught to be ashamed of my truth.

• I was taught to distrust my inner voice. 
• I was taught that my inner voice was invalid, incorrect and very bad. 
• I was taught to be ashamed of who I am. 
• I was taught that I was valuable, only if I was perfect.
• I was taught that I had to earn love based on conditions.
• I was taught that I was not enough to be loved on my own, that I had to perform to earn love.
• I was taught that other people know better than me about my life.
• I was taught that the opinions of others are far more important than my own opinions.
• I was taught that I am too stupid to know what to do.
• I was taught that my feelings were bad, wrong, shameful.
• I was taught that I would be punished if I took-up for myself. 

This training that I received in childhood has caused a lot of problems for me throughout my life.

• It has caused me to betray myself and look to others as my soul source of solutions. 
• It has caused me to have internal conflict regarding the smallest decisions. 
• It has caused me to follow the advice of other people to my own detriment. 
• It has caused me to abandon myself and treat myself poorly.  
• It has caused me to seek out advice from other people who were seeking to control and manipulate me.
• It has caused me to think that abuse is love.
• It has caused me to trust untrustworthy people.
• It has caused me to feel pain, despair and depression.
• It has caused me to love too much.
• It has caused me to follow another person's advice even when it was totally wrong for me.

The point of this article is to say, WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!?!?! Because of this rotten upbringing that I endured, this backwards training, I still have some tendencies to put the opinions of others ahead of my own. I haven't completely come to realize how right I am and how wrong it is for me to put the opinions of any other person ahead of my own regarding how I am to live my life, who I am to love, how I am to expect to be treated, and what I will tolerate in relationships. There is really nobody better than me to make decisions for my life.

There is no one better than me to make my life decisions. My goal is to continue detaching from the need to get the approval of others before I make decisions, and before I validate my own needs, feelings, wants, desires and preferences. Nobody knows better than me what is best for me. Nobody but God has the reigns over my life. I am detaching from caring what anybody else thinks about me and my personal business. This is not a group effort. I am me and I know who I am, what I want and what I need.

It was not my fault that my step father was cruel to me. It was not my fault they did not know how to raise a child. It is not my fault they tried to squash my spirit and take me out. But it is my job to tell myself today that I am correct. My feelings are correct. My needs are correct. My decisions are correct. My passions are correct. Everything about me is alright, okay, supposed to be here. There is no question about it and it doesn't matter what she thinks, or he thinks or they think, or anyone else for that matter. It's my life and I'm living it. Anything but respect for who I am and what I need is invalidation and I will set boundaries (both internally and externally) against it. Hereye Hereyeeee. #muahs