Empty Space

From Inner Bonding

 

At any moment that you are not connecting with yourself and with Spirit, not being filled with the love that is Spirit, you are empty - empty of love. An empty space is a needy space, a space that pulls love and energy from others. Today, put your focus in your heart, choose the intent to learn about love, and open to being filled by the Love and Grace of Spirit.

 

 

Healthy Functioning in Relationships

Any time you tolerate disrespectful treatment from others, you are abandoning yourself by abdicating your role as your own protector. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if the other person's actions are intentional. Disrespect is disrespect and you do not deserve it. It is your responsibility to stand up for yourself, protect yourself and even walk away from those who do not treat you with dignity. If you try to function in situations where you're being disregarded, you will suffer.

Healthy, functioning people treat others well. They know themselves, have healthy boundaries and do not in fear of abandonment or engulfment. Those who are still wounded from childhood are often incapable of functioning in equal, healthy relationships. Wounded people use walls for boundaries, or have no boundaries at all. Wounded people do not know who they are, do not love themselves, and so are incapable of the give and take that a real relationship requires.

If you are on the road to recovery, you may encounter other wounded people. As for me, my heart resounds with wounded people because I know exactly how they feel--however, I had to learn that I cannot relate with them. It's difficult because I understand people who have unhealed wounds, but to try to relate with them in a meaningful way is impossible because I can't fix them. We all are responsible for fixing ourselves. Some people will never be healed. They may always feel that they're worthless, unlovable, flawed and rejected. That's sad.

Health Functioning Requires these things:

1. Authenticity, Honesty, Courage
2. Communication, Feedback
3. Empathy, Consideration
4. Time, Attention
5. Resilience, Consistency

The wounded person--whom I used to be--cannot handle honesty. Life is too frightening. They can't communicate because their wounds keep them wrapped in lies of what may happen if they are rejected, or say the wrong thing. They do not have empathy or consideration because they are too wrapped up in themselves. They have a warped sense of time and are too self-focused to care about others. I know what it's like to be wounded. It's hard to function, so you just rather be alone. It's important that you learn to love yourself and become aware of your true inner beauty and power so that you can begin functioning with others in a meaningful way.

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....

You Can't Flow if You're Frozen

Walking by a fountain today in McKinney, Texas, I saw this 1/2 frozen fountain. This thought hit me:

You can't flow if you're frozen.

I wondered what this fountain was signaling to me for my life. In a way, it is an answer to a question that I've been asking. What blocks me from allowing goodness to flow into my life???

It's true! You can't allow good things to come into your life if you're operating system is plagued by false beliefs that are out of alignment with the truth of who you are or still left over from your past. You can't receive the goodness that life has to offer if you are carrying frozen feelings that you have yet to face.

If you have frozen feelings stuck in your heart's chambers, then the fountain of your life cannot express its full potential. The outflow of love, grace, beauty, mercy, peace, joy will be distorted, much like the photo of the partially frozen fountain to the right. 

You see, you are responsible for what is coming to you. If you like how your life is--I mean, really feel incredible peace, joy, contentment and elation--then you are in the right place. If you feel that you're in a struggle to get the results that you want and to feel good inside, then your negative emotions are a signal. Negative emotions are an indicator that something in your belief system is out-of-alignment with your truth. You've got some junk in your trunk.

So the key is to allow your feelings to thaw out and release the energy of the past that is blocking the goodness from flowing in your life. Blocking you from giving. Blocking you from receiving. Distorting your view of reality. Distorting your view of yourself.

If you want to live, truly live, then you must thaw out. Let yourself heal.

 * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *

Here's a piece that sums it up well: 

When emotions go unexpressed, they freeze in time. What this means is that we often respond to a present day situation with a backlog of stored frozen emotions from our past. This is inappropriate, obviously, but that doesn't mean the emotions are lying. All it means is that in order to be able to respond and feel truly in the present with all of our resources, we need to heal all the old trapped, frozen emotions we have locked up in the attic. 

Our Pathway Home - Lies About Feelings

Repair with Gold

Allow It to Happen

You don't have to make things happen, you just have to allow it to happen by coming into alignment with the truth of who you are. How would you feel if you had what you want? You must get there first vibrationally (thoughts, feelings & actions). Feel your way. Think thoughts that conjure the high level feelings that match where you want to be. Comfortable. Relaxed. Easy. Open. Confident. Grateful. Stress pushes it away. Self judgment pushes it away. Fear pushes it away. Just chill and allow the universe to fill your desires, dreams & visions. That's how you believe it to achieve it.

Sent from my iPhone

How to Work on Weaknesses

Thoughts

Master your thoughts. Work on your weaknesses from the right mental state. Don't just divulge in every string of self-criticism you conjure up. Choose what, when and how you will deal with your weaknesses--on your terms, from a strong, positive, loving place. You are the ruler of your own mind.




Sent from my iPhone

Abraham Hicks~Being consciously aware you're in the driver's seat

This is a wonderful teaching on RESISTANCE and ALLOWING. Wow. This stuff works. I'm using it and the results are immediate.

You Already Are...

YOU ALREADY ARE the person it takes to achieve your goals. You just need to remove everything in your mind that tells you your not. Remove all resistance. Remove all doubt. Stop thinking habitual thoughts of failure. Allow your brilliant self to shine. Allow your Higher Self to align with truth. Allow yourself to receive the blessings. Get out of your own way. Visualize yourself as you truly are--a baller, shot-caller, today, this moment, right NOW.

Do Not Resuscitate

My sweet grandfather is in the hospital, my mom's dad. Death in my family is so weird. My family is super-realistic, cracking jokes even on their deathbed. There is no delusion. No praying for him to get well. We're praying for comfort, but he's adamant. DO NOT RESUSCITATE. Even his beloved wife who just adores him seems fully prepared for his passing. They bring up death in a matter-of-fact way, just like taking a shower. He's always been so stoic. So stern, quiet with little jibber-jabberish. He's always been very proud of my accomplishments, especially my entrepreneurial spirit. Mom and I are two of his closest blood relatives and we love him very much. The other night we visited him in the hospital. It was so touching. A man who never talked about God--ever, was telling us that he asked Jesus in his heart. We didn't ask him. He just told us. This hard-manly man began to cry there, so weak in his hospital bed. Mom and I standing at his side. It was epic. It was like this ordained moment. He said everything he needed to say. He was never very involved in my life, but he's always been my grandad and I would drop everything in a moment to be by his side. Now he's in the hospital and there is nothing I could do, but don't cry. When asked about his burial, he'll tell you, "Just bury me in my PJs." Mom and I intend to honor his requests. Love you GD, may peace and comfort surround you as you go through these difficult time. I love you more than words can say, and I'm grateful for your presence every day we have left. XO

Abraham Hicks - Allow incoming relationship?

Abraham Hicks~What am I resisting and why am I afraid?

The Winning Feeling

Your mind can't tell the difference between imagination and reality. Visualizing that you're winning in every area programs your mind to win. Getting into the ZONE and staying in the ZONE as much as possible day and night is an ideal goal for living a happier life, and completely within your grasp.

This ZONE is nothing more than a place where you FEEL GOOD. It's a place where YOU WIN. The ZONE is the place where you have that WINNING FEELING. 

You can program your mind to experience that WINNING FEELING every day of your life, and overcome every obstacle with ease. In fact, if you wish to get ahead in any area of your life, you MUST cultivate a higher, more positive mindset, which includes beliefs, thoughts, emotions which lead to positive action. 

I've been learning by listening to Abraham Hicks, that when you FEEL GOOD you attract more situations into your life that feel good. You are a vibrational being. The energy that you give off is what you get back, every time. If you feel that you are a winner, you will win naturally. If you feel depressed and unworthy, you will fail naturally. There is no way around it. You must cultivate a higher vibration, that is a higher level of feelings if you want to pull yourself up from the feelings of unworthiness to that of a capable human being who wins at everything you do.

Biofeedback research on athletes tells us that their brain cannot tell the difference between actually playing a winning game or imagining they are winning  game.

6 Steps to Creating that Winning Feeling 

1. Recall previous experiences of having that winning feeling.

It doesn't matter how small the winning feeling was. Keep a journal entry of every winning feeling you encounter. Keep notes of when you were blissfully happy, winning in your life. This may just be a passing moment, or it may be a huge victory. Keep these thoughts and especially FEELINGS at the forefront of your mind every day. Those feelings need to be cultivated all the time in your life. Stay in the ZONE. 

2. Apply that feeling to the present moment or some future activity.
3. Suppose it will happen.
4. Use negative emotion as a challenge & substitute negative emotion for positive.
Program your mind (like Pavlov's dogs) to associate a negative feeling with a positive one.  Your mind is like a computer. If you provide it with a different program, it will execute a different routine.
5.  

  

Staying in The Zone

We all have a "ZONE" where we feel our best. It's that time when you feel like can accomplish anything. When you feel your best. You got it going on. You are the schnizzle in those moments. Know what I'm talking about??? Why does it have to be so fleeting???

It is possible to cultivate that ZONE at any time of your life, both good times and bad. It takes discipline. It takes thought stopping. It takes meditation. It takes visualization. It takes effort to stay in the ZONE, but the effort pays off.

Most people are lazy in their thoughts. We often just take on whatever is coming at us. If people are nice and we're making sales, we're happy. If a guy yells at you on the road and you have a flat tire, you're in a terrible mood. You're all topsy-turvy, at the mercy of outside circumstances. That which you do control, your thoughts (and emotions) are left to things you cannot control.

What if you trained your mind to stay loaded in the ZONE at all times??? What if you were "On" with your A Game 24 / 7? You would be able to achieve more satisfaction in your life. Obstacles would dissolve and you could scale new heights.

Focus on keeping in the ZONE and staying out of the gutter.

You Create Your Own Reality

If you don't know that you are the creator of your own reality, that you are the director (and actor) in your own personal movie called "Your Life, then you go into default, where life just gives you the negative crap you think about.

The Holographic Universe

"Everything you ever wanted to be you already are, it's just a matter of changing perspectives."

Introduction to a Holographic Universe

Law of Attraction in the Holographic Universe

Bob Newhart: Stop It

Cultivate Wonderful Feelings

Your FEELINGS send energy out into the planet. Your FEELINGS are your vibration. Your FEELINGS are your waitress bringing you what you order.

People who believe they are worthless end up being worthless; those who believe they can do it are the only ones who can. #LOA

If you MUST obsess, then obsess on feeling good most of the time. Rid your mind of negative thoughts that make you feel badly. #LOA #success

You don't have to become a Super Thinker overnight. You can incrementally train yourself by choosing thoughts that are just a notch better..

Climb the Thought Ladder high into the sky to reach your potential. Choose a thought that makes you feel a tiny bit better than the last.

Catch your thoughts within 17 seconds. If it's a bad one, exchange it for a good one. You've got 17 seconds to turn it around. #Hicks #LOA

Remember the jungle gym? That vertical ladder thing? Let the next rung be a thought that feels a little better than your last. #Success #LOA

Choose the thoughts that FEEL GREAT to get to the next level. #Success #Positive #LOA

 The way to spread your wings and fly is to spread your thoughts high. ~ dotJenna #LOA #Success #Soar #Power #SelfLove 

A Phoenix rises out of the ashes of defeat, into high places by overcoming negative thoughts and feelings... #RiseUp #GetHappy  

How to Secure Your Insecurities

The source of insecurities are negative, false beliefs that you hold about yourself that are contrary to your true essence.

Insecurities are tied to False Beliefs,
False Beliefs are tied to Conditioning,
False Beliefs are false because it is contrary to your true essence.

Any childhood messaging or learning that contradicts the truth of your essence--that you are pure love, valuable and incomparable in worth, and a powerful co-creator of life on this planet--causes pain and dysfunction in adulthood.

Anything you believe that is contrary to the truth that you are love, lovable and loving causes pain and dysfunction. The key to healing your insecurities is to encounter the true essence of who you really are. The reason your insecurities exist is because you question your own value. When you realize who you are, when you know who you are, your insecurities melt away like ice in the warm sun.

Insecurities are evident to those around you. When your insecurities are evident, it causes one to feel shame. No one wants to be seen as not believing they are worthy. Everyone puts on a fake mask of pretending to feel something that they do not feel.

Insecurities call for you to make up for your deficiencies to others. One way you try to make up for those places in which your personal worth is in question is via proving yourself to the world, and with people-pleasing behavior.

Your insecurities represent your internal beliefs, those core beliefs which you've determined your own individual worth as a person. These core beliefs are wrapped in layers of fear that the world will find out the truth--that you are in fact worthless and you know it. When this fear is triggered, the insecurity works overtime keeping the truth from yourself and everyone else.

You cannot hide insecurities. Insecurities show loud and clear to those who are not insecure. Insecurities drive much of our activity, including social media and blogging!!!

No one is completely secure. The only security is in knowing who you really are, without having to add anything or change anything about your true essence. Our culture does not raise children to be aware of their essence. Child rearing customs assault the child's security of knowing who they really are and the power that they hold to effect the world in lieu of compliance and conformity. Children today learn that their value is in following the rules and dictates of their parents, not in discovering their true powerful essence.

The key to securing your insecurities is to dig deep into yourself to find out what wires are crossed. Find out what lies you believed that are contrary to the truth that you are divine. The key to finding out where the lies are, since such core beliefs are embedded in the unconscious, is to look at your current dysfunction.

• What makes you run and hide?
• What makes you take a drink?
• What makes you addicted to that man or woman?
• What makes you check out?
• What makes you want to smoke?
• What makes you cry?

Your daily behavior reflects your core beliefs more than many realize. In order to get beyond negative core beliefs and to replace those beliefs with truth, you must do the work of figuring yourself out. Find out what you're believing about yourself that is untrue. Be fearless in your searching inventory of yourself. Don't allow yourself to hide and cower from the truth of reality, the truth of how you really feel. Ask questions, wait for the answers. You are powerful, more powerful than you know.
 

 

How Boundaries and Self Love Mix

How Boundaries and Self Love Mix -

Written by Dr. Cheryl MacDonald, RN, Psy’D.

I like this article, so decided to repost some of it here:

The definition of a boundary is subject to multiple interpretations. In psychology, a boundary is an emotional distance or mindset, a restriction that people place on others, and, they are present in all relationships. Setting boundaries tells people, how they can treat us. Boundaries are personal, emotional spaces that people learn to impose on others; to preserve the value of self love. To create an emotional space or place a boundary, is like setting an emotional psychological dividing line between the self and another person.

Personal boundaries are like the physical boundaries that are present between countries. One example of a boundary is the saying “Don’t Cross this line” in hopes that the other person will honor and respect the request. Well, we all know sometimes this does not happen. This article will be discussing how self love and boundaries mix.

What are Boundaries?

Internal, personal boundaries protect people from getting emotionally upset and external boundaries protect the country from invasion. The goals of both are to keep people out. Internal personal boundaries are something like an emotional “bubble wrap” which stretches a bit during conversations. Internal boundaries are different from the fixed and rigid external boundaries that countries establish. For example, the walls of China were so to speak constructed of stone.
The ability to execute an internal boundary depends on how people value their sense of self, their thoughts, ideas, and beliefs and is dependent on one’s ability to have self love. In general, people define relationships by how much they care for another, and by how much they want to maintain the sense of self. Once again this emotional “plastic wrap” is present in all relationships: family, friends, coworkers and everyone in the world. Accepting the boundaries that others impose, will put the relationship on a path that leads to mutual respect!

People who feel emotionally vulnerable or those who desperately want to seek approval from others are most susceptible to losing their sense of self because the protection, the “bubble wrap”, their emotional boundary was not noticed, properly set, or communicated. Be cautious about making too many compromises, as the “bubble wrap” can expand to the point of breaking, and may cause people to question their own thoughts, feelings and identity. This questioning leaves a hole in peoples self esteem. Emotional boundaries are indeed flexible; however they can break under stress, or when making too many compromises, much easier than the rigid concrete walls of China.

How Self Love and Boundaries Affect the Abused Child

Adults who grew up neglected or abused have to contend with two emotionally opposing forces: 1. To accept a life in the only too satisfy other manner (co-dependent), or the opposite direction, 2. Accept the fact, that they are going to be the manipulators of people who struggle to get their own needs met, often at the expense of other another’s self esteem. People who do not respect or accept boundaries are the energy zappers of the world and can emotionally wear people down. If those protective boundaries are worn down enough, people will start to feel like, and, be victims of emotional abuse, just as they were when they were a child. Sometimes anger and resentment follows, and at other times, depression and anxiety symptoms develop. Those in this stage are the hurt and abused people, who also tend to weaken and injure people. The fortunate ones are able to process the hurt, get themselves into therapy to work through the pain of the abuse, with a kind caring therapist and bounce back with their identity, self-worth and self-acceptance restored.

A Few Tips on Setting Boundaries

Tip 1: Setting Boundaries is the First Step to Regaining Control of Life.

If relationships are abusive and you find yourself being submissive accept a portion of this as being your responsibility. As adults, we have a choice. Ask if it is truly worth the pain and suffering to be with someone who is abusive: Someone who is not respecting your self worth.

It might seem like learning how to walk again, because this is indeed a new learning experience and change can be scary. It takes courage to face fears, but maybe some of these fears are of the imagination. For the first time in life, you might notice that there is another option. That choice is to find a compassionate therapist who can help and assist you on the journey towards learning self love.

Tip 2: Learning to Set Limits will affect your Partner.

This setting of boundaries is new and your partner is not adjusted to you setting these limits, therefore it is also a significant change in their mindset. Honesty with care is the best policy, but as quoted “to thine own self be true.”

Tip 3: Direct Communication is the Key

Misinterpretation or lack of communication turns molehills into mountains. Using clear, simple language in a direct, respectful fashion will make you feel proud, simply because you spoke your peace. If your partner raises an eyebrow, try not to assume you understand what they mean, because honestly you do not know what they are thinking. Even though we all might wish we had these remarkable mind reading abilities. Make your partner do some work, and make them verbally communicate their thoughts directly to you, in other words ask them what they mean by that raised eyebrow.

Tip 4: Reflections in the Mirror

Accept yourself and take responsibility for mistakes, we all make them at times in life. No one is perfect! We might not have set out to control, but sometimes it happens. This is not about being right or wrong with anyone; it is just learning how to effectively communicate. Forgive yourself, apologize and you seriously might get that joyful feeling of not only accepting yourself with making a mistake, you also might notice that warm, fuzzy feeling of inner joy when someone else forgives you for making that mistake! This takes real strength and courage.

Step 5: Be Happy

When we surrender, and allow others the opportunity to attack our boundaries, we say to them it is their responsibility, and let them take control over making the situation better. People absolve themselves of all responsibility, and this sets the scene for abuse. When in fact, there is another choice, strive towards making yourself happy.

In conclusion, if people had a healthy, nurturing childhood, they probably grew up feeling grounded, and learned how to protect their sense of self love, self-worth and have a sense of feeling internally proud. They learned how to set emotional boundaries, and learned how to say no, because they felt loved as a child. In their childhood experiences, there was no need to scavenge for affection, or try desperately to please, just to gain attention and love. They sensed love for their thoughts, beliefs and feelings, just for being in the world, even when they made mistakes. Thank your parents for their modeling, and giving this love to you, and I thank you for having the ability to model this behavior to the people in your life. It just makes the world a better place. This is how self love and boundaries mix.

What is Respect?

What does it mean to be respected? It's more than just being honored and tended to. Respect is simple. I love Pia Melody's definition of respect:

Respect is allowing someone to be who they are without judging them or trying to change them into what you need them to be. ~ Pia Melody 

Respect is allowing another person to be who they are. Self Respect is honoring yourself, honoring your own truth and standing up for yourself, even when others don't like what you have to say or who you are. Self Respect is sticking to your own truth and not bending to be accepted or approved of by others. Respecting others involves letting them be who they are without judging them or requiring that they fit your ideals in order to get your approval or acceptance.

I love respect. It feels amazing. XO 

Things Narcissists Do Tweet Recap

This was a very popular tweet string that I've consolidated into a post. Follow me on Twitter @dotjenna to get these and other great tweets that will help you recover from Narcissistic Abuse. I will add more as I go...

A Narcissist is someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This means that they are exploitative and can hurt you psychologically and emotionally if you get to close to them. People who take selfies may have narcissistic traits, but that does not make them narcissists, nor does it mean they have the disorder. Everyone has a measure of narcissism--that's healthy. It's the disordered individuals who have too much that we need to worry about.

There is the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then there is the malignant Narcissist that is completely sadistic. The worse type of person on this continuum is the psychopath and sociopath. The one thing that all these disordered people have in common is lack of empathy, and the way they use people as objects for narcissistic supply. 

ThingsNarcissistsDo: No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. [tweet this]

ThingsNarcissistsDo: Abuse you covertly by bringing up things subtly in conversation to make you doubt yourself. [tweet this]

If caught red handed in a lie, will say, "I never said that!" This is an abuse tactic called "Gas Lighting." #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Abuse you, then accuse you of being the abuser. This makes you question your own experience of reality. #ThingsNarcissistsDo #gaslighting

Refuses to take responsibility for behavior, mistakes or how he/she hurts you. Blames you for being hurt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Their entire focus is to convince everyone around them of their superiority in every aspect of life." #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics your personality until you're trapped, ie: you have kids, you're partners... then shows true self. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Uses introjection (mimcry) to ensnare his/her victim and trap into cycle of abuse. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Believes his time more valuable than others. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Hangs around the biggest celebrity or person with highest social status at the party. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time." Sam Vadkin #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuses to deal with issues; projects & blames others instead, starting with 3 yr olds. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Just because someone takes "selfies," does not make them a narcissist. Only those who have no empathy & suck ur blood. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will get revenge on you, so watch out! #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cover their asses by being amazing and saintly in order to gain your trust and get control of your heart. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Agree with you when you're sad and putting yourself down. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Rub it in with salt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Are more interested in how they look to others than long term things like quality relationships. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Drop you like a hot potato once you're hooked on them. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Be amazing to you the whole time-super amazing--then when you're neck is on the guillotine, they pull the cord & laugh. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Give you everything but the one thing you need from them in order to keep you waiting and dependent. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Make promises, imply promises but never deliver. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will often times profess to be a Christian because they love to be things that seem innocent, sweet and good. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

If the child wants grilled cheese for lunch, they will say NO, you're having a hot dog. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts condition on their love and acceptance. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Goes after successful people who have a big heart, but also a weak area or insecurity that makes them vulnerable. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes one of their children into a GOD, but still sucks the emotions, energy and blood out of that child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts their daughters in beauty pageants. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires those who want their acceptance to feel only as they say they can feel. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cannot see people as individuals with equal rights and their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Has grandiose fantasies of amazing relationships & marvelous accomplishments that never existed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Does not allow their children to have thoughts, ideas and/or feelings of their own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Complains that their 5 year old has "behavioral problems." (Yeah, right... they've got a blood-sucking parent!!!) #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires that you never criticize or disagree with them. If you cross them, you're toilet paper. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Raises children who are codependent, needy and unaware of their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Pushes your buttons, then make you feel guilty for losing your composure. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Plays favorites among their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Competes with their daughter or son. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is incapable of empathizing with another person, thereby easily abusing without a conscience. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is excellent at getting people to think he/she can do no wrong while casting shadows on the one she's threatened by. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Preys on weak people with low self esteem who are in desperate need of love--then takes advantage of that neediness. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children worse than all the others. Projects their own ugliness on this poor outcast child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children as if they are GOD. Pampers one child and treats the rest like dog shit. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Comes back around to suck you back in once you've gotten on with your life. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world, then when you're all-in, dumps you cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Abuses their children severely. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics you to flatter you in order to gain your trust and use you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Does things to make you go nuts, then when you lose your cool, makes it look like you're the crazy one. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuse to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play psychological games. Tactics such as withholding, ie: not returning phone calls, being intermittently available. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Create triangles. Abuse you by proxy through a third party. This is Sadistic, Malignant SOB #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Perfectionistic. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treat they're children like their worthy only for their accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Name drop in social settings, try to impress you about their friends for no other reason than to impress you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Feel necessary to get as many acronyms behind their name as possible to give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Brag about their abilities without commensurate accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

The worst thing is thinking the best in someone, starting to trust the are real and then--FANGS, devaluation #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

"Men promised her the world and secretly expected it from her." Élan Golomb, PhD #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding . #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will try to associate with people in prominent positions to siphon power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Hanging outta the passengers side of his best friends' ride trying to hollar at me. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist doesn't talk about narcissism. He/She usually is too self-involved to see it in others. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will treat you like you are royalty until he/she no longer needs you... Then you become used toilet paper. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists LIE, LIE, LIE. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The American Government is filled to the brim with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Every day you encounter narcissists. They are the ones who hurt you & make you sad. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists are everywhere. They may look great, they may look humble. They all will hurt you if you let them close. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

One way to test to see if a person is a narcissist--Do they consider your feelings? #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists create triangles, stir dissension & cause conflict to distract & gain power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissist have no empathy. They don't care about your feelings, AT ALL. Only their own. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist is like a zombie who doesn't care & doesn't love. It just wants to consume your emotional goodies. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

#1 way to know you're dealing with a narcissist is the disregard of your feelings. A real human can't do that. #ThingsNarsissistsDo #empathy 

You know a Narcissist by #1 how they can't accept your feelings. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Not all narcissists are like Obama. Some are more like Mother Theresa. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The Narcissist cannot give unless he/she is trying to manipulate you to gain your trust. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

If you want to get rid of a narcissist, just tell him/her what you need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will project their doo doo on you and hate you for it. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will drop you the moment you assert a need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

CANNOT GIVE, unless they're doing it to manipulate you into trusting them so they can gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play mind-games. Call you every day for a week, then stop calling--makes you think you did something wrong. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Always wanting to get you off track & onto their agenda. Use psychological games to gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

They do not love, they only ENVY. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Act like you're the greatest thing in the world until you believe them; then drop you like you're trailer trash. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Devalue you. Get close to you, act like they care, then leave you standing in the cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Surrounds themselves with a circle of fawns who praise their every deed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Suddenly disappear, change the subject or get grumpy when you assert a need of your own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will only be charming, nice, considerate when you have something they want. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will not own up to mistakes. Blames someone else. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Secretly enjoy seeing you in emotional pain and confusion. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Get self esteem by diminishing yours. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Avoid you when you do something praise-worthy. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Withdraw as a way to maintain the power in the relationship. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Act like the perfect mother, father or family in public, then behind closed doors rage and abuse their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

More concerned about power and control than equal relating and meaningful connection. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Surround themselves with people who will fawn over them, like who they like, hate who they hate. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Play dumb. Pretend they don't know how to function in life so that you can help them suck the blood out of you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Create triangles. Pit friends against each other. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Seem really cool from afar, but get up close and find that they are empty and souless as a Barbie Doll. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Actually believe cheap flattery. They're very easy to control with flattery that a normal person would recognize. #ThingsNarcissistsDo  


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The Practice of Self Soothing

Self soothing is a practice that I found I was completely missing earlier in my life. What is it? Self soothing is more than just bubble baths, candles, journaling and yoga, though it can include those things. Self soothing is something much deeper and more personal; and perhaps one of the most important aspects of Self Love that you can foster yourself.

Self soothing is the ability to calm yourself down in moments of stress or intense emotions. It is your emotional barometer, your internal regulator that keeps you emotionally stable, balanced and effective in personal mood control and relationships. Without the ability to soothe yourself, you cannot tolerate much. If you don't have enough self soothing tools in your toolbox, your relationship with yourself and others will suffer.

Adequate self care is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, and for keeping you secure as a person. You need to find ways to reconnect with yourself and recenter--regardless of what is going on around you. Think of self soothing as a baby sucking its thumb. It's a way to stay cool until mama gets her butt over here. For us, we need ways to soothe ourselves, to reassure ourselves as an escape from hard, intense emotions.

If you don't have adequate self soothing skills that are learned naturally through parenting in childhood, then you're going to have a difficult time in life. Symptoms of lacking this skill include cutting, addiction and even suicide. People who are severely depressed are likely missing this important self-nurturing capability. Thankfully, the process of self soothing can be learned and practiced.

There are many ways to practice self soothing. Relaxation techniques are soothing to the psyche, and all self soothing involves positive, nurturing self talk. I'm going to break down different ways you can self soothe both physically, emotionally and mentally.

Physical Self Soothing

• Bubble Baths, Massages, Spa, Sauna, Steam Room
• Exercise, Yoga, Cardio, Weight Training, Swimming
• Organizing, Cleaning, Decorating Your Home 
• Cooking Your Favorite Meal
• Relaxing by the Fire
• Home Improvement, Painting, Refinishing
• Art, Poetry, Blogging, Social Media 
• Calling a Friend, Socializing
• Joining a Support Group, Booking a Therapist
• Attending Concert or Show
• Going out of your way for yourself
• Singing, Karaoke
• Hobbies, Flying, Skydiving
• Spending time with Children

 Emotional Self Soothing

Emotional self soothing is a way to keep you balanced and regulates your emotions. 

• Positive Self Talk
• Reminding Yourself of Positive Things You Did This Morning
• Restating negative self opinions, correcting yourself 
• Planning your personal time for the week
• Planning your social activities for the week
• Embracing your inner child
• Speaking to yourself compassionately
• Doing shame reduction work
• Writing letters to those who hurt you
• Writing out your thoughts, Journaling
• Being with yourself through your pain
• Breath Work to get in touch with emotions
• Speaking to yourself with compassion 
• Reminding yourself how far you've come
• Facing reality, not allowing your emotions to go overboard

Mental Self Soothing 

Mental Self Soothing is soothing your intellect. I like to think of it as ways you help yourself succeed. 

• Reminding yourself of past accomplishments
• Directing yourself on the steps you need to take to reach your goal
• Organizing your day
• Listening or reading motivational content
• Social media 
• Reading spiritual texts
• Reading intellectual material, or excellent fiction
• Planning for the future
• Planning your career
• Reminding yourself that You. Can. Do. It! 
• Learning about mentors

 These activities are productive ways to soothe yourself day-to-day, moment-to-moment. If practiced, you will become more vibrant, whole and attuned to your own spirit. I'm sure there is much more to add, but my eyes are sleepy, so goodnight! Love to all. <3

"Rigidity is a form of self soothing when you are afraid of the unknown." dotJenna