How to Trust the Universe

3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You

People who are out to abuse you, use you, exploit you and complicate your life have certain tactics that they use to HOOK you into their game. If you have any weakness at all, abusers will find them and use those weaknesses to reel you in, control you, manipulate you and make you doubt your own intuition. Abusers include anyone, narcissists, borderlines, control freaks, users, players, takers... Anyone who has their own interests ahead of your interests and who wants to use your resources for their own. An abuser is someone who wants to take advantage of you.

One way to stop being abused is to become aware of the hooks. Hooks for the purpose of this article refer to ways an abusive person gets under your skin and causes you to follow their agenda. Below are 3 Control Tactics that Abusive People Use to Hook You.

1. They use a promise of something you want to hook you. 

This could be anything, money, sex, love, attention, quality time, affection. An abusive person will dangle a carrot in front of your face and make promises to give you what you want--some time in the future. Pretty soon, they have you jumping through hoops and fantasizing about this "promise of future gain" that they've set up for you.

The problem is, that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. These people have nothing to give. sometimes this promise of gain is theirs to give, but they are too selfish to give it. Other times, they don't have it to give, but they're habitual liars who know how to paint a rosy picture that you believe. Other abusers will dangle the promise and continually move-the-goal-line for your obtaining of whatever it is they're offering to you if you give them what they want first.

Healthy Thought: When someone is promising to give you something in the future, don't go immediately into over drive trying to please this person and meet their needs. Don't allow yourself to fantasize about the ideal love they will presumably give you, or the big paycheck you will get if you work your butt off to please them.

Back-off. Ask questions. Look for proof that the promised gain actually exists. If you have a weakness or deep need inside for money, affection, love, positive regard, approval, affirmation, then you may be prone to fall for the tricks of the abuser.  It's important that you work to give yourself the things you need so that when this type of abuser shows up, you can easily say "No Thanks."

When deciding who to trust in this world, you have to look for clues as to who they really are under the surface. Just because someone is promising to do things for you, doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Ask them specific questions and get definite data about what you're going to get if you go along with their agenda. If someone is out to use and abuse you, they won't like boundaries... they won't like questions and they won't give specifics. They will back off if you start requiring proof.

Example: I had a client promise me the sun, moon and the stars if I would do a bunch of work helping them find their $1 Million dream home. This client had taken a lot of my time. Every time we spoke on the phone in a previous transaction, the phone call would last for an hour and things were twisted and unclear. I ended up respectfully bowing out of a transaction, even though I stood to lose a lot of money in the process. Later, this client called me up wanting me to find another house she gave me a list of things she wanted me to do. I asked the client to send me a pre-approval letter before I would begin my work. Low-and-behold, within an hour, she said she had already found another home. Imagine that!?!?! I got out of that trap with my time and energy intact to spend on endeavors that will benefit ME without exploitation.

2. They use your weaknesses and insecurities to hook you.

Some people have a need to control, manipulate and have power over others. Not everyone is nice, caring, compassionate and empathetic. There are people in the world who will use your weaknesses and your insecurities against you. How does one do this? Usually by making subtle digs at you about whatever it is that you feel insecure about... your weight, your financial status, your social status, education, career, your inability to stand up for yourself.

These subtle digs speak directly to your insecurities. Let's say you're feeling bad about yourself for some reason, maybe because you were abused as a little girl and made to feel as though you're less-than other people. Then, an abuser can easily come in and "push-your-buttons" by making covert, subtle little digs about how someone else is so great, while you are sorely lacking in those ways. This can cause you to doubt yourself because it triggers your negative core beliefs.

Healthy Thoughts: Know yourself well. Know your insecurities. Know your weaknesses. If anyone mentions or alludes to anything that bothers you about yourself, dig deeper and see if you're not dealing with an exploitative abuser who wants to build their own self esteem by dragging you down. Stay away from these kinds of people. Find people who support you and build you up instead.

Example: I once had a friend who was always there for me when things were going bad. It felt really good to have someone who was there for me, but eventually, thankfully, I started waking up to the fact that this friend was actually "rubbing it in" whenever painful situations would arise. She would bring up past mistakes and issues when it would have been much more helpful for her to support me for future success. I had to dump this friend for healthier ones.

3. They use extreme kindness and attention to hook you.

A savvy manipulator who wants to get under your skin and hook you and later control you will be your best friend and supporter at first. This phase usually lasts about 3 months. They shower you with attention and treat you as though you are the most amazing person on the planet. The reason this can hook you is that you may need love, affection and attention so badly, that this person feels like a godsend, like a breath of fresh air. You're finally getting the recognition and approval that you deserve--but it's external when it should be internal.

When someone uses extreme kindness and attention to hook you, a person without good boundaries may have a difficult time saying no. He or she may feel obligated to give this person every ounce of their life because he or she is being so sweet, kind and attentive towards them. A person who is overwhelmed by all the attention may have a difficult time discerning his own intuition because of the flood of attention received from the abusive person. In narcissistic abuse, this is a phase called "IDEALIZATION" where the narc will treat you extremely well for about 3 months, then start to devalue you and eventually discard you. This can also be part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Healthy Thoughts: Watch out for people who come on too strong. I know you need love, affection, time and attention that you never received as a child, but be careful not to give yourself away for those things from an insincere person. Warning: This can be an incredibly beguiling situation. Having someone idealize you and treat you like a queen is a wonderful feeling, especially if you really need it because you don't know how to do it for yourself. Still, you must have the maturity to set boundaries and maintain your own strong sense of self, even when it feels so good to be taken over by someone who seems to think you are God's gift to the world. Trust me, it won't last. You're great, but be leery of people who are fawning over you and flattering you.

Example: I once had a boyfriend who seemed to adore me in every way. He gave me lots of attention, he showered me with gifts, quality time, fancy dates and he listened to my every word. Then one day, the sweetness wore off and he decided, out-of-the-blue that he didn't want to be in a relationship as he preferred to date several other women at a time. I should have seen the warning signs, but I was in fantasy la la land. I know better now.

CONCLUSION

What happens once you're hooked? Once you are taken away in fantasy by a promise of love, attention, money or other things you want. What happens once you are hooked by someone who reminds you of your weaknesses and insecurities? What happens when you are hooked by someone who put you on a pedestal? YOU BECOME THEIR SLAVE.

When you allow people to HOOK YOU and get into your head like this, you lose parts of yourself, your self-esteem goes down the tubes and your life can become a shambles. This is why it's so important to protect yourself from abusive, exploitative people. You need to stay aware of your center, of your core self and make sure that you listen to your intuition when it comes to other people. You must look for clues as to their true intentions beyond their facade of kindness. You must know the difference between a genuine person and someone who is out to eventually take from you. The only way to take care of yourself against abusive people is to SET BOUNDARIES and to look out for yourself. Take care of yourself and release obligation to others. That's the only way.

CHOOSE YOU.

How to Let Go of Someone Who Is Abusing You

Love Your Enemies Rant

Having animosity, even towards one person, pulls it onto yourself. What you focus on, you become. You are a powerful co-creator. You have to get to the place where you wish even your enemies good will. You are a vibrational being. You cannot afford to think badly of others, even the creeps--even the narcissists. What you think, you become. The things you dislike in others often represents the shadow side of yourself that's repressed, buried and denied about you. Use your ill will feelings towards others as a guide into your own heart, to get to know yourself better. Wish everyone well. Hope for the best for everyone. Disregard that old way of living in which you're competitive and envious with others. The higher you lift those who are around you, the higher you yourself will go. Become a vibrant beam of magnetic attraction of good, positive energy. Win the war by loving everyone and wanting the best for all. While you're healing, recognize bad behavior, but don't dwell on it, just move away from it. Move to people who are nurturing, nourishing, get out of the game, get out of the drama triangle by loving and wanting the best--even better than you--for those around you. This is where source is bringing me. To love my enemies, to wish the best for those I used to envy, breaking free of the game and loving. Jesus was right. Love begets love. <3

Stop Focusing On Toxic People in Your Life

My latest area of growth is in my areas of focus. For a long time I needed to focus on negative people and actions of others just to become aware of it. So for several years I've spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on negative behaviors of those around me that I was in so-called "relationship" with. I would call them out, post about it on FB, write blog posts about it. That was an important time of growth and awareness. I needed that time to separate ME from the negative environment I found myself in. I had to figure out how to set boundaries, how to walk away from toxic relationships, how to trust my intuition.

But there comes a time when you figure it out. I got it now. I know what poor behavior is. I know the silent treatment. I know gaslighting. I know the narcissist. I know it when I see it. Yeah, I still attract it to some extent--to a large extent. But what I'm learning to do now is ignore it. Let go of it. Stop pointing at it in my life because okay, calling them out does no good. Knowing what they're doing to me and getting them out of my life is enough. Enough already! Enough.

Now I am learning to focus on building positive connections and creating meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Sometimes it's easier to sit there and point the finger at mean people than it is to just be vulnerable and call up a friend who is kind. I'm learning to adjust my attention from negative behavior, to noticing those around me who are good, who are present, who are there for me. I'm opening my heart, giving my attention to those who give back. I'm looking for the positive, healthy loving people who care about me--no longer trying to change people who do not. It's so much more productive!

And the toxic relationships are falling away; for the first time, I'm experiencing true connection. Letting the good in and keeping the bad out. Give and take. Forgiving and forgetting. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and express them moderately with another person. Setting boundaries. Being respected. Wow. What a difference! What a better way to pass the time than to focus on abusive others.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to focus on the abuse you're enduring, but once you notice it, get out and stop focusing on it. Whatever you focus on you will draw to you. We create our own reality. So it's important to know what you're dealing with, and then to let them go. Send them on their way with love and light. We are all united. We are all part of the same whole. Nothing is gained by hating them. Just let them go.

Open your heart to the love that surrounds you. Give the healthy people who love you more of your time and attention. You find them everywhere, if only you stop looking to negative, painful and abusive others. Focus on people who are doing you right. If you don't know any, focus on finding them.

- Jenna Ryan 2016

Zero Tolerance for Bad Behavior

One thing about me. I PUT UP WITH ZERO BAD BEHAVIOR from other people in my life. In all areas. I always have an escape hatch and I'll walk away from anyone, anything, any time and for any reason if I feel I am being abused, used, violated or disrespected. It wasn't easy to get here, but it surely feels good now that I am here. I don't care who it is... I don't care if you're the President of the United States or the cutest potential suitor who ever entered my life--I require that everyone in my presence respect me and respect my boundaries. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I cut-off people who are rude and disrespectful of my boundaries. If I find that they are sorry and willing to make amends and stop the bad behavior, then I will let them back in my life again, slowly. Everyone makes mistakes. 

But those people who abuse me using tactics such as triangulation, gas-lighting, silent treatment, alienation, baiting, bullying, drama, withdrawal, game playing, etc... These people are removed from my life without question. I say Buhbye. It is not hard because I have no tolerance for people who abuse me. Even if it's a client and I stand to lose $100,000. I will walk away in 2 seconds. NOTHING can make me stay in a situation where I am disrespected. NOTHING.

I listen to my gut and if my feelings feel as though I'm being disrespected or dragged into something that is not in my best interest, I bow out. No explanation is needed, though sometimes I'll speak my case. Sometimes it hurts like hell, especially if you adore the person, but no one is worth your SELF RESPECT. 

I can say that since I started this practice of eliminating the people who are hurting me from my life that my life has gotten increasingly better. LIKE WAYYYYYYYYY BETTER. Better than I could have ever imagined. Each person I cut out who was abusing me ended up bringing me joy times 100 in return. Cutting abusive, manipulative people out of your life makes your life worth living again.
Some of the hardest people to say bye to were family members, and to do that, I had to have the help of a therapist. However, the people who were hardest to say goodbye to made me stronger to say bye to the easy ones, like the client who keeps trying to belittle me, dangle the carrot of money in my face or put me in triangles.

GET INFORMED as to what abuse tactics are so you can cut people off who use it. Your life will be SO MUCH BETTER. I am living proof!!!

Toxic Shame is Self Blame

Toxic shame is the result of childhood abuse in the most important formative years, between the ages of 0 to 7. Toxic shame is the residue of neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Toxic shame is what comes in place of love, trust, security, peace and contentment. Toxic shame is, in effect, a child and later adult blaming herself.

Toxic shame never goes away. It fills the holes left behind from unmet childhood developmental needs. The little human takes all the blame from the abusive adult, primary caregiver especially.

A child cannot bare to know that its caretakers are abusive or wrong in anyway, because their brains and psyche's aren't formed yet.  Instead of seeing things clearly a child's mind automatically takes the blame for every bad thing done to it and subconsciously HATES HIMSELF FOR IT. So, the child not only hurts from the abuse itself and lack of needs being met, but the child also takes on the shame of the caretakers and blames themselves for everything. This is very hard on the mind, however, it's better than crashing the harddrive. This process allows the child to mature, while repressing the truth of what's really happening to a later date, when, hopefully, the adult can handle it better. The truth, that is.

This toxic shame is like a green gunk haze over the lives of the survivor / adult. It colors everything in a negative light. You see yourself in some present-day situations as if there was something horribly wrong with you, because you're triggered back to this place of toxic shame. You feel like you're to blame, it's all your fault, and like you're supposed to fix everything, control everything...

You do anything to rid yourself of the pain of toxic shame, seek external sources of approval, relationship addiction, toxic relationships, drugs, drinking, gambling, obsessions and the like.

But there is nothing that fills the gap. The only thing that heals toxic shame is recognizing it, facing the truth, grieving your losses and meeting yourself with loving compassion. You have to show the child inside your heart the truth once and for all.

You can be healed from toxic shame. You can feel better in all areas of your life; don't settle for less. Get the help and healing you need.