Your Own Happiness

By Jenna Ryan

You and me--we--are responsible for our own happiness. It's easy to get things confused. Our culture tells us that people, places and things are the source of our joy, our bliss and our happiness. The truth is hard to find, yet so simple. Each of us are responsible for our own happiness. Just like you can't love or be loved if you don't love yourself, no one can make you happy if you don't create your own happiness.

We all have choices. Sometimes it may feel like we have no choice but to be sad, and in some instances it's okay to be sad. Pain is a part of life. Ultimately, however, it is up to you to build your own happiness. You can't find it safely and securely outside of yourself. You yourself must plant and cultivate happiness in your own life and heart.

How do you do it? This is your responsibility, my responsibility, each of us is on this earth to understand the meaning of true happiness, peace, love, bliss and fulfillment. We are born dependent, but when we leave this earth, if we are to be mature and complete butterflies, we should have learned to recreate within our own hearts feelings of fulness and completeness to the extent that we are free.

Happiness is an inside job. :)

Perfectly Imperfect

Law of Attraction

I think we attract who we are inside already. I think we manifest relationships into our lives that mirror our internal states. If we want better relationships, then we must go within and fix ourselves. If you don't have what you want, it's because you don't yet believe you deserve it. We are magnets. We get what we think.

If I am dating a guy who ends up being a jerk, I hit my bed with my water and my journal saying, WTF is inside me that would draw this level of poop my way.

Do You Need Approval from Others?

When you need approval from others you are operating with an AGENDA in your relationships. Your need for approval blocks the path to true intimacy. If you want to have fulfilling relationships, then you need to already have approval within yourself before interacting with others. Trying to get approval at every turn is arduous, exhausting and selfish. You may not be intentionally hogging the show, after all, you are respecting the person enough to want their approval, but your hard work to win approval sucks the life out of everyone around you.

The truth is, you don't need anyone's approval. You just need your own. For some reason, when you're trying to get the approval of others, you've placed too much importance on them. You've projected your own personal need for your own approval onto them. You've given their opinion of your worth more value than you're own opinion of your worth when you're aiming to get their approval. No one needs to approve of you, but you.

We all engage in approval seeking behaviors. The more we try to get the approval of others, the more cut off we are from others. The less we feel we need the approval of others, the more mature we are, and the more capable we are of having healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. If you stop trying to get approval from others, you have time to stop and take notice of them. You can empathize with them, learn more about them, engage with them more deeply. No need to try to get your unmet dependency needs met as you go. Take care of your own stuff on your own time. When you're relating with others, keep your personal self worth needs off the table.

Unmet Needs vs. Authentic Needs

The Power of Knowing Your Feeling and Needs - Nonviolent Communication

"I like the way my trainer describes challenging emotions as guideposts to underlying needs.  Danger!  There’s a need that’s not being met.  That’s when suffering can begin."

"Uncomfortable feelings are really a cover up for unmet needs.  By following the emotional trail, you’re able to find the unmet need."

Are You Emotionally Dependent? Dr. Margaret Paul

Authentic Needs:  

"I need for you to want to spend time with me - sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you support my highest good."

'Needs' Coming From Emotional Dependency

"I need your attention."
"I need your approval."
"I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex."
"I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy."
"I need you to make me feel secure."
"I need you to make me feel important."
"I need you to fill my emptiness."
"I need you to make me feel special."
"It is your job to make me happy."

Nonviolent Communication

"NVC guides us to focus our consciousness on four areas. First, we observe what is happening within and around us without judging or evaluating. Second, we identify what we are feeling, as opposed to what we are thinking or how we are interpreting the situation. Third, we uncover the needs that are at the root of our feelings and express them clearly. Fourth, we request that another person take an action that might fulfill our needs and enrich our lives, without demanding that the person satisfy our request in order to avoid judgment or punishment from us."

Nonviolent Communication

The components of nonviolent communication are relatively simple and straightforward. There is a four-part process that consists of

1) making an observation,
2) identifying any feelings,
3) expressing needs, and
4) making a life-affirming request.

The other point of nonviolent communication is to express honestly and receive empathetically, creating a space in which direct, true, open-hearted, non-judgmental, non-confrontational communication can take place.

Continue reading on Examiner.com Mindfulness, compassion, and language

NonViolent Communication



How to Practice Nonviolent Communication

1. State the observations that are leading you to feel the need to say something.
This should be factual observations with no judgment. 

2. State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you.
Naming the feeling without moral judgement enables you to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and
communication. 

3. State the NEED that is causing that feeling, or try to guess the need of the other person.


4. Make a concrete request for action to meet the need just identified.

Love Addiction

Love Addiction is the process of being addicted to love. This is not the same as normal love in that the Love Addict is addicted to the process of love, but is deathly afraid of intimacy. Love addiction is a type of codependency and is related to any other kind of addiction, including compulsive eating, smoking, drinking or taking drugs. When you're in love, chemicals course through your veins that feel like a high. It is possible to become addicted to those chemicals--even if you're with the wrong guy.

Love addiction is commonly found in people, both men and woman, who were neglected or abandoned as children. The love addict has needs left over from childhood that they try to get resolved through their adult relationships. Unfortunately, the love addict chooses partners who will neglect and abandon them just like they were in childhood.

There are two sides to love addiction, one is the love addict and the other is the love avoidant. The love addict wants and needs love, however, being fearful of intimacy, he or she is attracted to those who are unable to give the love that's desired. The love avoidant is also fearful of intimacy, fearful of closeness, afraid of being engulfed. The love avoidant is still dependent on the love addict.

The key to resolving love addiction is first, knowing what it is. Our culture perpetuates love addiction in songs, movies and entertainment. Many are love addicted without even realizing it. There are 12 step programs that can help people who are love addicted as well. Your route to healing is up to you.

What is missing in the love addicted person is a strong sense of self, and self love. The love addict is more focused on what is outside him or herself in order to feel okay. A true, whole, healthy, mature person realizes that while it's good to be loved by another person, that love comes from within and is shared among another healthy person.