Narcissists Come At Your Weakest Moment (Video)

18 Schemas: Healing Your Negative Core Beliefs

This article shares the 18 schemas as referred to in my previous article. Schemas are networks of core beliefs that you hold about yourself based upon the meeting of your needs in childhood. If your needs were adequately met (or met good enough), then you will have healthy schemas--a positive view of yourself, others and life. If your childhood development needs were not properly met, or if you suffered from childhood trauma or abuse, neglect or suffered from a loss of a parent, then you will have beliefs about yourself that do not serve you. Negative core beliefs are the product of inadequate parenting.

When you do not get your needs met as a child, you determine that you're not worthy to be taken care of. Depending on which needs were thwarted, you may have several schemas--groups of negative core beliefs--that are working against you today.

It does not matter how things have changed in your life, if you do not heal the schema associated with the negative core beliefs you hold in your psyche, you will always have an underlying sense of defectiveness, inability or unlovability. Until you actively pursue healing to build a new schema in place of the old maladaptive beliefs, you are at mercy of old, archaic beliefs that are not valid, not logical and not true.

Here is a list of 18 Schemas from the website SchemaTherapy.comhttp://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm.

1. ABANDONMENT /  INSTABILITY 
The perceived instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (e.g., angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon the patient in favor of someone better.

2. MISTRUST / ABUSE
The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage.  Usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional or the result of unjustified and extreme negligence. May include the sense that one always ends up being cheated relative to others or "getting the short end of the stick."
3.  EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others.  The three major forms of deprivation are:

A. Deprivation of Nurturance:  Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.

B. Deprivation of Empathy:  Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.

C. Deprivation of Protection:  Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.
 
4.  DEFECTIVENESS / SHAME
The feeling that one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding one's perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (e.g., selfishness, angry impulses, unacceptable sexual desires) or public (e.g., undesirable physical appearance, social awkwardness).

5.  SOCIAL ISOLATION / ALIENATION  
The feeling that one is isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community.
 
6.  DEPENDENCE / INCOMPETENCE
Belief that one is unable to handle one's everyday responsibilities in a competent manner, without considerable help from others (e.g., take care of oneself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, make good decisions). Often presents as helplessness.
 
7.  VULNERABILITY TO HARM OR ILLNESS
Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that one will be unable to prevent it. Fears focus on one or more of the following: (A) Medical Catastrophes:  e.g., heart attacks, AIDS;  (B) Emotional Catastrophes:  e.g., going crazy;  (C): External Catastrophes: e.g., elevators collapsing, victimized by criminals, airplane crashes, earthquakes.

8.  ENMESHMENT  /  UNDEVELOPED SELF
Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development. Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other. May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others  OR  insufficient individual identity. Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.  

9.  FAILURE TO ACHIEVE
The belief that one has failed, will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one's peers, in areas of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.). Often involves beliefs that one is stupid, inept, untalented, ignorant, lower in status, less successful than others, etc.

10.  ENTITLEMENT / GRANDIOSITY 
The belief that one is superior to other people; entitled to special rights and privileges; or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. Often involves insistence that one should be able to do or have whatever one wants, regardless of what is realistic, what others consider reasonable,  or the cost to others;OR an exaggerated focus on superiority (e.g., being among  the most successful,  famous, wealthy)  -- in order to achieve power or control (not primarily for attention or approval). Sometimes includes excessive competitiveness toward, or domination of, others:  asserting one's power, forcing one's point of view, or controlling the behavior of others in line with one's own desires---without empathy or concern for others' needs or feelings.

11. INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL / SELF-DISCIPLINE
Pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient self-control and frustration tolerance to achieve one's personal goals, or to restrain the excessive expression of one's emotions and impulses. In its milder form, patient presents with an exaggerated emphasis on discomfort-avoidance:  avoiding pain, conflict, confrontation, responsibility, or overexertion---at the expense of personal fulfillment, commitment,  or integrity.

12.  SUBJUGATION
Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced - - usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

A. Subjugation of Needs:  Suppression of one's preferences, decisions,  and desires.

B. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

Usually involves the perception that one's own desires, opinions,  and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, "acting out", substance abuse).

13. SELF-SACRIFICE 
Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

14.  APPROVAL-SEEKING  /  RECOGNITION-SEEKING
Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.  Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement --  as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying;  or in hypersensitivity to rejection.
 
15. NEGATIVITY  /  PESSIMISM
A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, etc.) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation-- in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations -- that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of one's life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to: financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, these patients are frequently characterized by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision.

16.  EMOTIONAL INHIBITION The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses. The most common areas of inhibition involve:  (a) inhibition of anger & aggression;  (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play);  (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.;  or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.

17.  UNRELENTING STANDARDS /  HYPERCRITICALNESS  
The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others.  Must involve significant impairment in:  pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships. 

Unrelenting standards typically present as:  (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm;  (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.
 
18.  PUNITIVENESS  
The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant,  punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one's expectations or standards.  Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings.

(c) Jeffrey Young Schema Therapy Institute

561 10th Ave., Suite 43D

New York, NY  10036

Schema Healing for Negative Core Beliefs

Hi Everyone!!!

It's been a while since I've posted, not for lack of material. Lack of time. I've been in DEEP HEALING mode every single day this year; learning an extraordinary amount of information about how to truly love yourself. I've implemented much in my own life--my life is undergoing dramatic transformation.

I've been in a deep state of Self Love, going deeper and farther into the concept than I ever dreamed, learning the essence of loving yourself and finding that self condemnation hides in the cracks and crevices of the mind, body, feelings, behavior and actions.

One of the ways I've been taking care of myself is writing just for myself. Not blogging it. Not sharing it. In many instances not even discussing it with a human being. I write in my journal, really letting the data soak in so I can apply it to my own life. I'm saving it all and hoping to put it in my book (to be released once I'm to that point in my transformation).

What I've been learning is a lot about schemas, or as Abraham Hicks would say, the grid--similar to your mindset. Your SCHEMA is something that you use to process the vast information around you. Your schema is the template you use to make quick decisions in your life and your relationships.

Your Schema is your template. If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you likely have a damaged schema, or what psychotherapists call "maladaptive schema." Your schema holds all your core beliefs. If you accidentally believed a lie as a child (or several lies), then you likely have a schema that needs healing.

When a schema is healed you go from a negative core belief, "I am bad," to a more ADAPTIVE SCHEMA which is, "I am okay." The trick is, how do you go from a negative core belief--the deepest part of your being--to a positive one? How does this happen? Is it really possible?

Yes. It is possible and I've found the pathway to achieving a reversal of the lie at the root of your soul that says:

• You are defective.
• You are disconnected and alone.
• You are not enough.
• You are incompetent.
• You are a failure.
• You will die of some horrible disease.
• You are beneath other people.
• You must surrender to bossy people.
• You can't stand up to people or you'll be rejected.
• You must be nice to everyone no matter what.

Yes, my friends. Those are schemas. Actually, those sentences above represent several different schemas. There is entire categories dedicated to the messed up grid you have in your mind that filters all the information coming to you. It's crazy! Here is a quick short list of some of the things I've been learning about schemas: 

• Maladaptive schemas derive from unmet needs in childhood.
• Healed schemas are called "Adaptive Schemas."
• Negative schemas fill in the gap between you and the childhood development need that was never met.
• Maladaptive Schemas are negative conclusions that you made about yourself, others and life in general as a result of getting the wrong messages about your worth when you were a child.
• There are 12 primary schemas.
• Which negative schema you have determines that level of damage that needs to be healed.
• Each negative schema is pervasive and impacts all your thoughts, actions, decisions, feelings, EVERYTHING.
• If you continue to operate as if the negative core beliefs you have are true, then you will continue to manifest negative results.
• "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Core beliefs are the ultimate level that you may need to change if you have any doubts about your worth, value or capabilities.
• Healing your schema is very difficult, but will change your life on multiple levels.
  
• Healing your schema involves arguing logically with the initial core belief, presenting evidence to yourself of your worth and value that your mind is currently ignoring...
• Healing from the maladaptive schemas you've adopted requires that you do several things, including make changes to behavior which perpetuates the negativity in your life. 

 This is so exciting, y'all!!! I can't wait to share more about what I'm learning!!! My latest task is to label and organize my negative core beliefs. It is not fun, I might add... but I know that nothing worth having comes cheap, easy or free, so I'm paying the price to get beyond my own mental limitations--limiting beliefs. I want to SOAR as high as I can go--and I will stop at nothing to experience the highest level of emotional and spiritual healing possible for me here on earth. I'm hungry for consciousness, awareness, knowledge, wisdom and understanding. I'm fascinated by the ways I can facilitate the healing of my own internal weaknesses. 

It's a beautiful thang. ;-)

Much love and respect towards you, my friend...

(c) Jenna Ryan - All Rights Reserved

Psychedlics for Emotional Healing

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How to Work on Yourself

What does it mean to "work on yourself?" Working on yourself involves getting down to the truth about who you are, what motivates you and what is really going on inside. Working on yourself is about facing reality, being open to learning about things that may be unpleasant about yourself. Being willing to look at your flaws, weaknesses and faults objectively--without hiding behind psychological defenses such as repression, denial or projection.

Working on yourself is not easy; it's hard and sometimes painful, but it is only by working on yourself that you can grow and become a complete whole person on this planet.

No one is born fully developed. As adults, we have work to do on ourselves. Life is like a classroom. We learn lessons and mature and develop, or we don't. We either take time to get to know ourselves and correct our wrong assumptions and beliefs, or we waste our lives busy with distractions such as work, alcohol, kids, hobbies, people... anything that keeps our mind off what's going on inside.

Working on yourself involves getting to know who you are and what makes you tick. It means you don't medicate your pain, but instead, you meet it head on with courage and concern. Working on yourself is the ultimate form of self love and self nurture. And it works! There is nothing more satisfying and healing than to know that you have overcome a life-long problem, pain or negative core belief. Watching yourself operate from a higher level is a beautiful thing to behold. Watching yourself handle things with finesse that used to trip you up gives you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

Once you work on yourself and your life improves, the process becomes easier and easier. Eventually you get to the place where you see the true purpose in everything in your life. You know there is a lesson in every day, every interaction, every moment. You know you are in control of yourself and that your feelings, thoughts and behaviors are under your own command. You realize that you have the power at any moment to turn things around for yourself. Working on yourself empowers you to be a strong person who is able to will, to be and to do anything within your power to do. The rewards are incredible.

What Does Working On Yourself Look Like?

You grow and mature when you work on yourself. That is, when you take time out of your daily life to reflect and consider your thoughts, feelings and actions. When you take time to ask yourself, "Why did I do that?" and similar questions. You don't brush over pains you feel in your heart. You don't push emotional issues under a rug and deny it. You don't take a swig of vodka, wine or beer when you hit a problem in your life--no. You FACE YOUR PROBLEMS with courage and strength.

If you are someone who works on yourself you are not perfect. In fact, learning to be perfectly imperfect is a great lesson you learn along the way when you stand by your own side during painful moments. That's just one of the many lessons you learn that strengthens you for bigger lessons to come.

Those who work on themselves are not afraid of imperfections and weaknesses. They don't feel ashamed to be who they are (this one requires work too). They freely share their pains with trusted others and get help when things are too confusing. Therapy is a tool for helping you to increase your strength and ability to see the truth of what's really going on inside your heart, mind, body and soul.

Journaling, writing, artistic endeavors are all ways of getting in touch with your inner child, your true self inside. These activities are common for people who are getting in touch with who they are and who wish to grow beyond the confines of the roles placed on them during their development or by the culture and society at large.

The Truth You are Facing

There is so much to face! So many ideals and fantasies that must be torn down if you are to grow as a person and become a whole individuated person who operates out of your own truth. Childhood mindsets must be shed. Defenses that we erected to avoid pain must be demolished. Resistance to growth must be climbed over. Maladaptive behaviors must be corrected. Negative thoughts must be turned-around. Old beliefs that helped you survive in childhood must be negated. There is a whole host of work to do! Every person has falseness within. It is the job of your inner adult to pull the weeds and plant new seeds. This is what consciousness is all about.

A List of Things You Must Work On...

• Coming to terms with the truth about your childhood. Chances are things were not as perfect as they may have seemed. If you think you had a perfect childhood, you may need to look again.
  
• Looking directly at any abuses that may have occurred in childhood which causes wounds
  which never go away until they are healed by our Inner Adult later in life. Many people refuse to go back and look at what happened out of fear that it will hurt too much. It is only by facing what happened--no matter how bad or how seemingly trivial--that you can move beyond your current level and grow.
  
• Reconsider your self esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you put yourself down? Are you overly grandiose and narcissistic? Are you lowly thinking about yourself in some ways and overly pompous in others? Working on yourself means pulling down strongholds. Rethinking who you are and discovering your worth and value for yourself. 
  
• Examine your relationships. Are your relationships authentic, deep and satisfying? Are you confident in your ability to relate with others? Do you look down on others? Do you idealize others while putting yourself low? Are your relationships equal? Why or why not?
  
• How do people treat you & how do you treat others? Do you feel good around your friends, loved-ones, spouse? Do you feel like people put you down? How do you interact with others? Do you stand up for yourself? Are you a doormat? All of these issues should be addressed because there are ways to repair so much about yourself just by being around the right people who treat you well and removing those people from your life who treat you poorly.

There is so much work to do! It's time to roll up your sleeves and get busy! Get out your journal. Take time to reflect and figure out who you are and why you do what you do. Seek support in your effort to become more conscious and deliberate in your life. Get a therapist. Find a support group. Make new friends. Start talking about what you're working on with trusted others. The journey is long and difficult, but the person you become will shine like the brightest star.

100 Things About Assertiveness

Assertiveness is knowing who you are and what you deserve. This inner-superpower takes complete ownership of your energy and life force.  Assertiveness is related to the loving parent a healthy person has on the inside.  The panache of self love is knowing who you are and defending yourself, and fending for yourself with confidence and authenticity.

1. Assertiveness gets your needs met. 
2. Assertiveness stands up for you.
3. Assertiveness gives you the power to say no.
4. Assertiveness helps you stand up to your own inner-critic.
5. Assertiveness sets boundaries in relationships.
6. Assertiveness holds your identity together.
7. Assertiveness helps you get your point across. 
8. Assertiveness walks away from anything that steals, abuses or hurts.
9. Assertiveness proves that you're not afraid to be who you are.
10. Assertiveness speaks its mind.
11. Assertiveness knows who it is.
12. Assertiveness knows what its worth.
13. Assertiveness knows its rights in relationship.
14. Assertiveness knows what it is doing.
15. Assertiveness doesn't cow down.
16. Assertiveness may be afraid, but still stands up.
17. Assertiveness is only available to those who know who they are.
18. Assertiveness is hard for those with strict, regimented, stringent upbringings. 
19. Assertiveness is impossible if you're dependent on the person.
20. Assertiveness proves you love yourself.
21. Assertiveness is a learned-skill.
22. Assertiveness level is dictated by your level of knowledge of your personhood.
23. Assertiveness earns respect.
24. Assertiveness may seem counter-intuitive to those who give themselves away to earn love.
25. Assertiveness isn't angry.
26. Assertiveness is firm. 
27. Assertiveness is straight forward, up-front.
28. Assertiveness is the antithesis of manipulation.
29. Assertiveness is a mixture of knowing your rights with a dash of anger.
30. Assertiveness keeps you from being manipulated and controlled.
31. Assertiveness keeps you from being hurt by abusive people.
32. Assertiveness lessens the times you're confronted with assholes.
33. Assertiveness conserves your energy for pursuits that are in your best interest.
34. Assertiveness knows that you're worthy of protection.
35. Assertiveness protects you.
36. Assertiveness is like an inner-body guard.
37. Assertiveness doesn't make exceptions for bad behavior.
38. Assertiveness is chilled out, natural and clear.
39. Assertiveness is not passive aggressive.
40. Assertiveness asks directly for what it wants.
41. Assertiveness is no whiner.
42. Assertiveness takes ownership of his/her own life.
43. Assertiveness takes accountability for its internal.
44. Assertiveness says what it means and means what it says.
45. Assertiveness is not afraid of what people think about it.
46. Assertiveness doesn't need approval.
47. Assertiveness is the guarder of the individual person.
48. Assertiveness helps you stay whole so you can experience empathy.
49. Assertiveness does not lose its temper.
50. Assertiveness does not give into poor treatment.
51. Assertiveness is always aware.
52. Assertiveness considers the other person.
53. Assertiveness tactfully gets its point across.
54. Assertiveness is a tool for intimacy in relationships.
55. Assertiveness is the manager of boundaries.
56. Assertiveness is your backbone--it helps structure your person.
57. Assertiveness requires that you believe you are valuable, worthy & loved.
58. Assertiveness requires you to believe in yourself.
59. Assertiveness means you know what you're doing.
60. Assertiveness is confident, grounded and centered.
61. Assertiveness shapes your different-ness.
62. Assertiveness is the guarder of your individuality.
63. Assertiveness is alive and awake.
64. Assertiveness is the opposite of doormat. 
65. Assertiveness is not aggression.
66. Assertiveness doesn't care what others think.
67. Assertiveness knows that being degraded is not an option.
68. Assertiveness allows you to go out and do what you want.
69. Assertiveness says no, even though that may hurt you to say it.
70. Assertiveness lets nothing steal its self esteem.
71. Assertiveness positions your persona.
72. Assertiveness gives clear intentions.
73. Assertiveness knows it has got what it takes.
74. Assertiveness creates space for you to enjoy life's pleasures.
75. Assertiveness ends rumination.
76. Assertiveness clears your life of unneeded junk.
77. Assertiveness acts on your behalf.
78. Assertiveness is strength, not weakness.
79. Assertiveness comes from a place of self respect and love.
80. Assertiveness calls out what's real and what's bullshit.
81. Assertiveness dictates how other people can treat you.
82. Assertiveness gets rid of people who won't let you be who you are.
83. Assertiveness is not butt-kissing.
84. Assertiveness is on your side.
85. Assertiveness never sacrifices its dignity. 
86. Assertiveness stops people from pushing you around.
87. Assertiveness is grown-up.
88. Assertiveness is the fence around your emotional world.
89. Assertiveness is that hand that talks to the face.
90. Assertiveness is an attitude of certainty.
91. Assertiveness
92. Assertiveness
93. Assertiveness
94. Assertiveness
95. Assertiveness
96. Assertiveness
97. Assertiveness
98. Assertiveness
99. Assertiveness
100. Assertiveness

 of self compassion, honor and dignity.

What are we defending?

doling out its goodies consciously and with complete self control.

Ask for What You Need

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There is no prize for the person who needs the least in life. Relating with others, bonding and connecting involves being vulnerable and sharing your needs. Give & Take. This was really hard for me, it still is very difficult. I was raised to be very self sufficient, to give without taking. But we're not meant to live on this planet alone, we have to rely on each other and be open to receiving. That doesn't mean to weigh people down with our needs or to be entitled. And it doesn't mean to expect all of our needs to be met by others. It just means that we have the courage to be who we are and ask for what we need from others. They may say yes, they may say no. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and feel the interdependence at the peak of relating. But only if we roll the dice and ask.

<3 Jenna

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily. 

 

100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

Accepting What Is...

The cause for suffering is from not accepting WHAT IS... When we accept things the way they are, in this present moment, we can take action to change what we can, and if we can't change it, then we can surrender to what is (change our reaction). It's a farce to think that by fighting What Is we can change it. We can't change what is by being angry at reality. Reality wins every battle. In fact, since we are co-creators of this life we live, our attention to what we're not wanting causes it to grow bigger. The key is SURRENDER. There is such peace in surrender. Every religion teaches this. FORGIVENESS. Surrendering to what is, acceptance of what is, GRATITUDE, appreciating what is, right now is the only path to the happiness and joy you're fighting to obtain. Just let go and let it be... take the action you can, but take it merrily, with a grateful heart... then what can be can come to you. Fighting what you don't want pushes what you do want away. Embracing What Is positions you to receive what you're wanting.

Jenna Ryan This became clearer to me tonight in Yoga Practice. I've been studying acceptance of What Is, but it didn't make much sense. Then Maryline Gengoux said, "Surrender to the pose," and it clicked. Then I actually surrendered a couple of times during some hard moments and it felt like I was walking on air. Some harder poses became a lot less difficult when I quit fighting it. Thanks! 


Jenna Ryan based on teachings by Eckhart Tolle, Abraham Hicks, Helen Schucman & my Yoga Instructor, Maryline Gengoux

Feel it to Heal It

Don't be afraid of the pain. Avoiding the pain in your heart does nothing but delay the inevitable. You are stronger than you think you are, and the pain is not as devastating as you think it is. If you'll just take the time to sit with yourself, to nurture yourself through the pain, you will find the most beautiful truth that is banging on the door of your heart. The pain you feel is a knock. Knock. Knock. There is something you should know. Something that will help you overcome. Something brilliant, beautiful and true on the other side of pain. Don't run. Don't hide. Don't medicate. Just accept, love yourself and allow yourself to be. It's your thoughts about the pain that make it so scary. Change your thoughts and embrace where you are--and things that were once really hard for you will become your greatest triumphs. Jenna Ryan

My Thoughts on Abraham Hicks

Abraham Hicks. Many may wonder about my fascination with this "woman." For a long time I shunned her work because I felt it was abase, based upon my Christian, Biblical background. There came a point, however, when I ventured to hear one of her videos without judgment.

It took me a great while to be able to listen without judgment. My Super Ego so strong within my psyche. But one day, after much interpersonal battle, I was released in my own mind to push play on one of her YouTube videos on Pinterest.

There I experienced an outpouring of one of her renowned (among her followers) "Appreciation Rampages." Being a skeptic, I was instantly intrigued by her certainty and confidence--not to mention the pure truth which resonated from her soul. How could this be? It was against everything I'd ever been taught. Taboo. Evil. Or so they say.

Time progressed and I had more questions than I had answers. This quest for truth (and personal healing) pushed me beyond the borders of the acceptable, while at the same time my own mind opened up beyond the borders peer approval. I gained the courage to glance again at what I once thought to be a "pillar of salt."

Within her videos and teachings I have found a truth that has not been presented to me in so clear a fashion. Fascinated by her cognitions, I integrated the simple steps into my life and saw immediate, irrefutable proof that what she's teaching is pure truth.

She is on the leading edge of creation. Not everyone is ready for such. I was ready. I needed it, not only for well being, but just to survive. I needed the cognitive restructuring that her truths offer. I will continue to learn from her until I am personally released.

Jesus says, "You will know them by their fruit." Matt 7:16  This fruit is ripe and absolutely undeniable--if you dare to taste it.  Though it might not suit the conformity of the mega-church, it definitely helps me day-to-day. No guts, no glory.

I don't care that she's says she's channeling. This is not the point. She could be channeling Scoobie Doo for all I care.  I think that's the barrier to entry, so to speak. You've got to be open minded enough not to be appalled by the taboo of her so-called origins. If you can't get beyond that, you surely won't understand her very simplistic teachings about how the world really works. Personally, I don't give a shit. I just know, this bitches shit works. It really, really works.

And that's what matters to me. And that's the way I live my life. I don't give a crap if it fits your doctrine. I don't give a crap what her doctrine is. What I do care about is can I take it to the bank? Do your words, your truths, your information help me to feel better, to live a better life, to love more, to be a better person??? That's more important to me than all the jibber-jabberish in the world. And to Abraham Hicks, I say, ALL KUDOS. Thank you, I am forever in your debt.
 

Stockholm Syndrom

Mindfulness Skills

What? - Mindfulness and DBT "What Skills"

Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise

by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com) 

The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went. It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.

1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.

2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her.

3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others' forgiveness.

4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship - otherwise it will get boring.

If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse.

Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience. If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise.

Beliefs Manifest

I said this one first on one of my Ustream Shows

Catch Myself

The first time I did this self soothing thing, it freaked me out. I had been healing and dealing with my wounds, then I started going into a shame spiral one day... like I always did for years, feeling bad, putting myself down, reminding myself of how bad my life was, saying I was just going to fall down the pit and DIE. I actually caught myself saying this!!! Then, all of the sudden, driving down the road in Frisco, Texas, I heard a voice in my own heart say, "NO YOU WON'T." It was the sweetest, most loving voice I'd ever heard. It was MY OWN VOICE INSIDE. I couldn't believe it. My kind voice cradled me. It caught me. It stopped me from falling. This was the most beautiful experience... This voice speaks to me every day now. It's beautiful and you need to find your own. 


Inner Healing: Catching Myself

I keep catching myself;
not throwing back,
don't even know why I'm in the air--
but at least I'm catching myself
and it feels much better
than hitting the ground. 

Jenna Ryan
2012 

Self Soothing | Self Talk

Group Member: One of my exes, did this and that and the other... turns out me and my friend are texting the same guy... Now I'm upset and I want to befriend my ex again...


Jenna Ryan So you're upset and you need to soothe yourself but you don't know how... So you're going to put your vulnerable soul on the line by using a guy as a construct of your ego? That's not self love. That's setting yourself up for rejection. I feel sad to hear this.

Jenna Ryan When you're upset you need to soothe yourself (reparenting) with healthy, nourishing techniques and self talk. The last thing you need to do is be rejected by your ex.

I recommend that you practice Self Soothing. 

Group Member: Thank you Jenna Ryan. Very helpful!! I screen shotted it all on my phone. I believe my ex is going to reject my idea to hang out together.. 

Jenna Ryan Miss (    ) that's not what your inner child needs. She's crying out to you and it is abandoning to her for you to ignore and reject her tears and instead send her out to be eaten by the wolves of your exes who have already proven they're no good for her (you). It is your responsibility to take care of the little girl inside and not run to men for validation, love, care and comfort. You have it inside of you to do this for yourself, you just need to know how, then you need practice.

Jenna Ryan It hurts me so badly to know that you do not realize that you have the capability to soothe your own soul. This is something you should have been taught, but instead someone robbed you of this knowledge. It literally makes me want to cry because I know how badly it hurts and I lived with that pain since I was little. Thank goodness I've been healed. 

Group Member:  I don't even cry from it anymore.. I used to drink it away but that led to more problems. Maybe I should allow myself to cry once more.

Jenna Ryan Yeah. You've numbed yourself to it. The good news is that you can learn it now while you're young and save yourself all the years I had to go through it. Many wasted years!!! Also, let me tell you. The way you're feeling and stuff is not the way it has to be. There is healing that can be yours if you seek it. Your life would be completely better, all the things you want, if you learned yourself and healed yourself, all those things would come true. Life is beautiful and meant to be enjoyed. That's the secret people don't realize.

Group Member:  Jenna, sometimes it's hard to imagine life on the other side. I've been addicted to love since age 12, now I'm 22. I wouldn't say I've had many healthy relationships.

Well, start self soothing instead of friending your ex. :) 

Group Member: I will do whatever it takes to get out of this mess I've been stuck in.

Jenna Ryan The first time I did this self soothing thing, it freaked me out. I had been healing and dealing with my wounds, then I started going into a shame spiral one day... like I always did for years, feeling bad, putting myself down, reminding myself of how bad my life was, saying I was just going to fall down the pit and DIE. I actually caught myself saying this!!! Then, all of the sudden, driving down the road in Frisco, Texas, I heard a voice in my own heart say, "NO YOU WON'T." It was the sweetest, most loving voice I'd ever heard. It was MY OWN VOICE INSIDE. I couldn't believe it. My kind voice cradled me. It caught me. It stopped me from falling. This was the most beautiful experience... This voice speaks to me every day now. It's beautiful and you need to find your own. 

You Have All Your Answers

"The answer is there waiting on you to ask the question." 
   ~ Jenna Ryan

This quote accurately describes my own healing journey. It all started with me asking questions. It was fascinating. Once I broke away from the mold of religion, and started relying on my own heart and intuition for guidance, I started asking questions. I kept asking and asking until the answer would surface. I found out that the understanding (answers) we need to complete our individuation are inside ourselves... and the data to answer the questions of our heart can come from anywhere, inside, outside, the universe. Everything is connected.

This is a quote that I made up and I use it all the time in groups and blog posts to explain the process of self reflection, insight and emotional healing. I've also used it in my web shows and videos to explain success and motivation principals. It's for people who are searching for the why behind their behavior...

It also shares my view on the responsibility of each individual person to go inside and turn on the light to consciously reflect and realize that there is a universe inside of each of us that holds all the answers, for those who dare to look beyond what they've been taught to know.

For example, if you have a problem in your life and you don't know the answer, then you need to ask yourself the right question. 

This quote is essentially about individuation.

This is also about predestination because sometimes the answers come from the universe.