Alone - Trauma Recovery Later in Life

So you asked if I am alone. I am alone, but not in a helpless or hopeless way. I am alone in a confident way because I've been here before and things always work out. When I close a door with a boundary, new worlds open up to me and I realize more each passing day that I made the right decision. When you have grown up in this dynamic, being alone is all you know. There are no bridges or roads out. Every road you try leads to the same destination. This is a fact now, but somehow I will figure it out because I know that roads do exist.

Internal Boundaries

I have learned to define Internal Boundaries for myself as follows:

Internal Boundaries: What you allow or do not allow to bother you inside. 

1. What gets you upset? 
2. What causes you to react?

The key to being autonomous and free is to trust your own self, to know your own self and to act in accordance with your own best interests at all times from a place of centeredness. The key to abandoning yourself is to allow yourself to be swept away by the whims of others, or to be manipulated and to have your own will usurped by the desires of others. Good internal boundaries help you to hold onto yourself and not be swept away in the chaos, drama and needs of others.

You can improve your internal boundaries by getting to know yourself and learning how you're feeling at any given moment and to assert your own boundaries within prior to setting limits without of yourself. Internal boundaries can become and often are automatic, but can also require you to heed your intuition. Trusting your gut and acting in accordance with your gut no matter who is demanding you to do otherwise is a good example of having a strong internal boundary. 

Related:

Internal Locus of Control

100 Ways of One Upping

The narcissist is constantly seeking to gain and upper hand in all scenarios as their world is one of power and control. The more power they exert over their targets, the more they are able to control and gain narcissistic supply. 

 

This article will focus on 100 Ways the Narcissist One-Ups their target.

1. Encouraging the target to doubt their own intuition.
2. Direct insults.
3. Backhanded compliments.
4. Bragging.
5. Manipulating.
   
6. Directing topics of conversation.
7. Interrupting.
8. Accusing.
9. Threatening.
10. Punishing.
11. Silent treatment.
12. Unsolicited advice.
13. Encouraging target to discuss problems.
14. Talking about target's weaknesses.
15. Reminding the target of past mistakes.
16. Blaming target for reacting to narcissist's abuse.
17. Shaming.
    
18. Triangulation with third party.
19. Religious speak.
20. Objectifying.
    
21. Withholding affection.
22. Conning.
    
23. Love bombing.
24. Discouraging.
25. Ignoring accomplishments.
26. Interrogating.
27. Dismissing achievements. 
28. Selective availability.
29. Withholding information.
30. Projection
31. Encouraging abuse of target.
32. Gossiping
33. Smear campaigns.
34. Ignoring arguments.
35. Pathological lying.
36. Cheating.
37. Taking without giving.
38. Arguing 
39. Denying 
40. Misunderstanding
41. Creating chaos.
42. Aligning with haters.
43. False accusations.
44. Giving no credit where credit is due.
45. Intermittent reinforcement.
46. Walking ahead.
47. Intimidation.
48. Lack of respect.
49. Walking over boundaries.
50. Doing bare minimum.
51. Recruiting the crowd. (everyone says you suck) 
52. Impression management.
53. Flattery.
54. Social proof.
55. Taking advantage of your kindness.
56. Taking you for granted.
57. Leaving you in a bad position.
58. Pulling the rug on you.
59. Stonewalling.
60. Acting fake.
61. Wasting your time.
62. Not taking accountability for mistreatment of you.
63. Not taking care of your resources that you give them access to.
64. Giving bad advice on purpose.
65. Acting childish.
66. Blowing up and acting out.
67. Name dropping.
68. Playing the victim.
69. Stalking.
70. Coercion.
71. Pleasure induction.
72. 2 face.
73. Selfish.
74. Neglect.
75. Ungrateful.
76. Bait and switch.
77. Catfishing.
78. Flying monkeys.
79. Invalidation.
80. Betrayal.
81. Time hogging.
82. Guilt tripping.
    
83. Berating.
84. Raging.

The goal of the narcissist is to take you off of your center of being, to break down your sense of self, and take control of your being. If you allow people to one-up you, then you are in jeopardy of being led astray and away from your purpose on earth and towards pain and heartache. 

The Narcissist's Insults in Devaluation Phase

The narcissist has a running list of insults ready-made for their target to be hurled at them during the devaluation phase. They use these insults daily to keep the target in a state of constant confusion, and to solidify the target's experience of being "less-than" or beneath the narcissist in every way, and to maintain the Narcissist's Superior role through what I will now call Superiority Framing (see article in this blog).

The insults may be direct or indirect, depending on the strength and awareness of the target. The stronger the target, the more covert the insults must be from the narcissist. Insults are woven into the fabric of every conversation and every engagement with the disordered individual, focusing on the perceived insecurities of the target. 

All of the narcissist's communications are a manipulation to to narcissistic supply from the target. Nothing that comes out of the narcissist's mouth is accidental, as the primary concern for such a person is getting narcissistic supply, or fuel (attention and admiration) from the target. The narcissist's communications center on the following:

1. Promoting themselves as Superior
   
   
1. Bragging
2. Demanding Attention via emotional threats and punishments
3. Body language and facial expressions
4. Attention seeking behaviors
5. Addiction (black hole of all problems)
6. Lying 
7. Story telling 
8. Trance words and phrases
9. Know it all
10. Competitiveness
     
2. Insulting target as Inferior to them.
   
   
1. Discrediting the target's accomplishments
2. Backhanded compliments
3. Withholding
4. Body language and facial expressions
   
5. Lack of reciprocity
6. Gaslighting
7. Lying, deceiving, conning  
8. Creating drama 
9. Unsolicited advice
10. Comparison / Triangulation
    

The sophistication of the narcissist and the quality of the supply that the target provides determines the energy, effort and efficacy of the narcissist's ruse to exert control and get supply.

There is no middle ground, no regular conversation. The target is always triggered to provide validation or self deprecation and defensiveness with the narcissist. The target is trained, and is put in a position to constantly prove their worth and value, prove their view point and thus to build up the fragile ego of the narcissist for a short period of time.

Dating an Alcoholic

Dating an Alcoholic

Spiraling Up - Not Everyone Can Go With You

Along the path to my highest good; the fulfillment of my life's purpose--I make (sometimes) painful choices that are in my best interest but feel like devastating loss. I bravely walk away from situations and people who are unwilling to experience the level of freedom set before us. No matter how difficult this process becomes, I reach forward and walk toward that which honors the higher levels of freedom that my destiny requires.

I know who I am and I know where I'm going. I am not my ego. I am not my age. I am not my height. I am not my social status. I am a woman of purpose who gets things done. I am a warrior born to overcome limiting beliefs and to light the way for others. I want to take as many with me as possible.

This process of letting go can be painful; it takes fierce courage. Endurance. I mourn and feel intense sorrow. I muddle through the loss of some part of myself that once needed the lesson that they brought. I want everyone to be free. I want everyone to heal. I want everyone to grow out of old cycles. 

 I want a partner for this journey, but not everyone is ready. Some are stuck in different levels of fear from limiting stories.

Recently I stood up to a limiting circumstance and turned away from someone I dearly loved because the relationship was incapable of serving my highest good. The union caused me to be bound in a box of limitations that were not my own. I felt stagnant and heavy with whirlwinds of problems that I've already overcome.

I needed this man. I loved this man. The gifts he brought me were so many! So much joy, hope and happiness I found in his arms. His light took my breath away. His love is what I've been needing my whole life. Our future had as much potential as any I've ever known--but there is a caveat. He wasn't ready to ascend to the heights of his potential, and couldn't see his chains. If love was enough, I would have stayed forever; but I am not God.

I cannot wait. I cannot stay with this man in chains.  Only he can break his shadows. Only he can choose freedom. Only he can face himself. I must continue on this journey alone and heal my broken heart. 

I stood up for my peace. I stood up for my future. I stood against that which pulled me down, held me back and caused me pain; generations of cycles that weren't my own. Instead of taking the easy route of impulse, I took deliberate steps to protect myself and honor my truth, no matter the ache.  

In the pain I feel joy because I know that these choices I'm making for myself are leading me to my highest good and God's best for my life. Instead of being stuck in a box of someone else's battles, I'm spiraling up to face my own.

25 Red Flags

1. When a person repeatedly tells you what to do. 

You are a grown adult and you do not need other adults telling you what to do. You get to make your own decisions, and anyone who thinks that it is their job to boss you around is controlling, and if you like it, then you are giving up responsibility for your life to other people. STOP. 

2. When a person interrupts you while you are speaking.

If you feel that you are regularly interrupted while you are speaking to a person, then it is true. It's really happening. Face that you're being interrupted and being squished out of conversations with this person and accept the red flag for what it is and don't try to change the other person into a healthy person who can relate on your level when it is clear that they can't even let you talk.

If you interrupt others when they are speaking, stop. Everyone needs to be seen, heard and understood.

3. When a person doesn't listen to you.

When someone is listening to you, you feel it, you hear it, you sense it, you know it. When someone does not listen to you, it is a sign that the person does not care and never will--it's best to let this person go and/or keep them at a distance because they will never listen and it's damaging to you to try to communicate and relate with someone who won't listen to you.

4. When a person refuses to allow you to exist. 

If you feel like talking to the person is hard work, that sharing anything about yourself is very difficult, or getting a word in about what your life is all about is not easy and flowing, then you are dealing with an emotional stingy person. Communication should be easy, flowing and reciprocal. 

4. When a person tries to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary in the past.

Some people hang your boundaries over your head like you did a bad thing when you set it; you hurt them with your boundary, need for space and/or distance.

5. When a person texts you asking how you're doing, then doesn't respond when you respond to their text.

This is an annoying Red Flag. It's a pattern with some people and if they do this to you, it shows you that there is something wrong. Normal, healthy, loving friends and people who want the best for you don't leave you hanging via text. It takes 5 seconds to text someone and hold up the conversation. It should be a rare occurrence when you or your friend leave texts wide open with no response. *Super Irritating

6. When a person tells you to go hang around or be with someone who has abused you in the past.

No one who cares about you would tell you or encourage you to go be with someone who has injured and hurt you in the past.

7. When someone states the way they need you to be in order for them to feel comfortable.

People who are toxic will share the quiet part out loud. This is usually a subconscious process, so they don't mean to do it, but they will give red flags to their red flags. They will say things like:

• "I need you to make less money than me because I would feel uncomfortable if you had more than me."
•  Oh that's great, "I can date you and my ex-wife will become jealous."

 8. If someone brings up something negative about yourself that you shared. 

People who love you and care about you and who are for you do not do this. The only person who would do this is 

1.  1) Someone who is trying to gain power over you through making you feel bad and negging you; 
2. 2) Someone who feels threatened by you and feels the need to bring you down to make them feel better about themselves; or
   
3. 3) Someone who is playing power and control games.
   

 9. When someone only likes people who think exactly like they think.

It's human nature to be unique and have our own opinions and beliefs. If someone is closed to you having your own ideas and doing your own thing, then that is a red flag. 

10. When a person does not text you back or call you back as they said they would.

I don't even need to explain this one. This is a huge indicator that the person you're talking to doesn't like you, respect you or give one crap about you.

11. When someone calls you up to tell you their problems, but when it's your time to speak, they have to get off the phone. (This is a pattern)

No explanation needed.

12. When someone brags about their life.

A healthy, secure person does not have to brag about themselves. It's okay if a friend tells you about great things happening, but this should not turn into a nightly monologue about how great they are.

13. When a person is addicted to drugs. 

You cannot have a relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs. You also cannot help a person who is addicted to drugs. An addict must help himself or herself. Getting involved with this person will lead you to a dark place--steer clear.

14. When a person flies off the handle and goes cray cray on you.

Obvious red flag.