Friday, March 11, 2016

Breaking Free from the Narcissist

Dear Jenna, 

I've been in a relationship with a person who has NPD. At first I didn't know about NPD or if he had it but I observed him and figured it out. He was never there for me, not even the time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The problem is I'm emotionally attached to him and I'm an empath. He has just taken advantage of me in various ways and I've always given in. I want to break free but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to. He is still a mystery to me even after 2.5 years and I'm aware that he has cheated on me either by flirting with other women or by not letting me in completely in his life. His words never equal his actions but my addiction to him is like me being addicted to cigarettes. Want to leave but cannot. I'm in pain, Jenna. Please help.

I was there. You MUST get out. It can literally kill you. I had a heart attack due to all the abuse, etc... Take little steps each day, become aware, use your empathy on yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN get out. It's not easy. There is pain you must face, lies you must untangle. I'd say about 1 year of excruciating emotional pain is necessary as you discover the truth about why you're truly attached to someone who is abusing you.

The reason you love the narcissist is because you have yet to face some truths in your life. There are other people (parents maybe?) whom you have yet to realize were abusive to you and are potentially still abusing you. You love a narcissist when you are split from yourself. This split is akin to DID where you have multiple personalities and amnesia walls. These amnesia walls hide the truth from you because it's unbearable pain. In order to break free of this addiction to the narcissist, you must break down the amnesia walls and integrate your personality. You must face every lie, and face the truth no matter how painful.

This truth for me was that people in my life I thought loved me, in reality were stabbing me in the back and keeping me in a prison.

This narcissist addiction is in your life for a reason as a pointer to your healing. It is a call to come out of the fog and face the truth. I recommend reading Alice Miller's books and also to brace yourself to handle some deep secrets about who really loves you and who is stabbing you in the back.

Our current relationships are a repeat of our childhood patterns. You are not in love with the narc. You are trying to get your parent(s) to love you and projecting that loyalty onto the narc.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Flattery + Invalidation = Manipulation + Control

It is possible for someone to BUILD YOU UP, yet invalidate your existence at the same time. This occurs when someone you trust, someone you turn to for inner security tells you,

"You're wonderful, you shouldn't feel that way"

"When I was your age I felt like this... or this... or this..."

"You're crazy!!! You've got the world at your fingertips!!! How could you be depressed???"

"You have such a beautiful smile, why are you frowning?"

"You have everything you want and need. Why are you sad?"

"He meant well, he didn't mean to hurt you. You shouldn't feel that way."

"You are successful and life is good to you, so you shouldn't feel angry towards your father."

"You are right. You have a bad dad, however, he is your father, you should go see him even though he makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Look how beautiful you are!!! Why are you feeling depressed and lonely?"

"You just don't want anybody in your life. That's why you're still single. If you wanted someone, you could be with anybody you want."

All of these covert manipulative tactics of an abusive person who is invalidating the truth, the existence of the victim. The victim feels built up on one hand, yet as though their feelings are invalid on the other. This is a double-bind, and the substance of a "trauma bond" with "intermittent reinforcement." Any time your feelings are invalid, YOU ARE INVALID. You must disagree and stand up to anyone who tries to tell you that how you feel in the moment is wrong. THEY ARE WRONG.

You need people who are strong enough to stand with you no matter what feelings manifest. You need people around you who give you freedom to be who you are without trying to change you so they feel more comfortable... and who are not trying to make a winner out of you so they can get the credit.

Just say NO to INVALIDATION.

Subtle Invalidation Tactics

Invalidation is damaging to the soul of the one being invalidated. Abused individuals are conditioned from childhood to believe that their own thoughts and feelings are wrong, bad and shameful. Invalidation is a tool used by psychological abusers like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in order to keep their victims off-balance.

Some people who grew up in an environment of invalidation will invalidate others unintentionally. Not everyone who invalidates is abusive, but every time one is invalidated, it is harmful and hurtful. It's crucial that you learn the subtle signs of invalidation, because it's not always obvious.

Watch out for these signs of subtle invalidation:

1. Withdrawing, ignoring, silent treatment. You can be invalidated by someone who never utters a word. If someone ignores what you are saying, this is a subtle form of invalidation, meant to send a message to you (albeit subconsciously) that you are less than, invalid and worthy of being ignored. Don't stand for it! Make your voice heard or move-on.

2. Sighing. If someone sighs or otherwise shows sign of disapproval whenever you express your feelings about anything, this is a form of invalidation. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings, they are not wrong or right, they just are. If anyone insinuates with a disapproving sigh whenever you express a feeling--regardless of who it is about or what... then you are being invalidated. You need to reaffirm your right to feel as you feel, set a boundary, make it clear to yourself and to the invalidating other that you have the right to feel how you do.

3. Changing the subject. If someone changes the subject whenever you express how you feel about something, this is a form of invalidation. It is their way of saying, "What you feel is worth ignoring." and "Something else is more important than how you feel" and "You are invisible." It is your job to steer the conversation back to your own feelings, stand up, speak up, set boundaries and only spend time in the presence of people who respect you.

4. Minimizing your feelings. If you tell someone how you feel about a person, place, thing or situation, and that person minimizes whatever you feel by telling you it's not that bad or anything that implies that how you feel is not accurate, or too much, or that you're too sensitive, then you're being invalidated. No one has the right to do this to you! Stand up for yourself and feel confident in expressing your full-range of emotions. Surround yourself with people who respect how you feel and who are willing to listen to you without trying to change you.

Feelings are not debatable. 



INVALIDATION

One of the big wake-up calls I had was about the concept of INVALIDATION. I never understood it before, but I found, as I started coming out of "the fog" in my early 40s--I found that I was being severely invalidated by my own self and others. This invalidation caused a bulk of my emotional pain. I was not on my own side, and I didn't realize that people I thought loved me were actually invalidating me all around.

Invalidation is the process of telling someone that how they're feeling is NOT OKAY. Invalidation is psychological abuse. Our feelings are our feelings are our feelings. Feelings are neither good or bad, right or wrong. When you do not support how a loved-one feels, you are putting toxic shame on them and causing them to feel shame for being who they are.

As a child I felt shame for my feelings. I was shamed for having feelings and needs. I was told not to cry, or I would be given something to cry about. I was told that I was wrong to be afraid of a train that was coming towards our car as my step-father sped up to cross the tracks before it hit us. I was yelled at for screaming when I saw a fire on the stove in the kitchen. Everywhere I turned, I was made to feel bad for how I felt. This means, I was made to feel toxic shame for who I was.

What you feel is what you are. No feelings are bad. If you feel uncomfortable, that is okay. No one should be telling you it is not okay to feel exactly how you feel at any given moment.

As a child, when you are invalidated, it has disastrous consequences. It causes you to feel shame for being, for feeling and for existing. This bad feeling causes you to lose touch with your true self, your own intuition and guiding force, because you are taught that your truth is wrong and something to hide in shame. Invalidation literally keeps you from yourself, from your truth. It makes you abandon yourself in every sense of the word and build a FALSE SELF to please those around you. You lose track of who you are.

The only alternative to being invalidated is confusion, extreme pain and addiction to soothe the inner-ache.

Invalidation happens in mini-increments every day according to how healthy you are. If you are healthy, you can CATCH INVALIDATION and correct it for your own benefit. If someone tells you, or implies that how you feel is not good, then you must stand up for your true feelings and have a voice and set boundaries.

Invalidation is a primary tool of the narcissist to keep their victims off balance and second guessing themselves. An invalidated person who has been conditioned to invalidate themselves is a perfect victim as they are easily controlled, manipulated and exploited. The invalidated person has no idea who they are!!! They don't know how they feel because they disconnected from their true feelings as children.

Validating yourself in adulthood through the healing process is essential for healing. A healthy person is a validated person. You need help to feel validated. A therapist is the best source, but you can also find validation in other ways, such as this group, YouTube Videos, articles, books, etc... You need gobs of validation to heal, and you need to learn to correct invalidation that comes your way.
If you are unfamiliar with the concept of invalidation, I urge you to learn more about it. I have articles about invalidation on this blog.

INVALIDATION is the cause of perpetual rewounding. There is so much I could say... but that's all the time I have. Reach for your healing, every step is a masterpiece. heart emoticon Jenna
Great info on invalidation: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Transmuting Emotional Pain

I'm such a nerd. I pick up every little emotional ache and pain and inquire into myself as to why it exists. I journal about it, writing down all my thoughts. I read books about it, I read internet forums, medical abstracts, websites and whatever else I can get my hands on to figure out a solution to my problem, a healing balm for my emotional pain. I've never once failed to come up with an answer once I start inquiring. The universe brings me information and usually the journey takes me down paths of unraveling and discovery so complete that several layers of my truth gets emancipated. Fake false ego parts of me fall off, no longer needed as I take each and every ache and pain to the alter of self inquiry.

 I actually get a kick out of my emotional pain now, I'm so used to the integration of it for my own benefit. When I have no pain, I have nothing to really study so it's somewhat boring. But when I come across a pain in myself, or now in my significant-other relationship, I have something to chew on... something that I will transmute through diligence into a thing of beauty, another piece of me, of my truth will come to light. I think behind every pain we feel inside, there is an equally refreshing truth underneath. The deeper the pain, the deeper the freedom once faced and understood with compassion.

It's like an interesting puzzle, diving into the depths of my psyche, and into the collective conscious through books and the internet, to discover answers that will help untwist, unlock, release any lies that hold me captive and cause the pain. Psychological pain is simply your heart telling you that a lie has been programmed into your psyche hard drive. This discomfort and dis-ease is a signal like a lighthouse on the shores of the ocean telling you which way is home. Go towards the pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Offer yourself compassion. Your answers are there in the middle of the ache.

 Once you get past the pain layer there you will find a beautiful fragrant peace, openness underneath. You just have to trust the process and feel the pain involved with facing whatever it is that is hurting you. Whatever lies have been programmed into your mind. Lies cause pain. Pain signals where the lies are embedded. Go to the pain, feel the pain, seek answers from the pain, therein you will find freedom beyond your wildest dreams... Like a deep breath after years of shallow.

 ~ Jenna Ryan - Feb. 6, 2016

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Trusting Your Intuition

Your intuition is that part of you that knows where to go and what to do. I believe your intuition is connected to your true source, God, the divine intelligence of the universe. I believe the still small voice inside your head telling you to go this way or that way is your intuition. Unfortunately for many of us, our true voices are drowned out by negative voices such as the inner critic.

Still, you've got to find your inner light. You've got to learn to be true to your intuitive self. That is what is meant by being true to oneself. Being true to your intuitive truth.

Intuition is a catalyst to action. It goes with you everywhere you go, but sometimes many of us are not open to it. We don't trust it. We were taught to despise it, or to be skeptical of our own so-called "evil" impulses.

Your intuition is your inner guide. It's the knowing that you know that you know underneath your thoughts, feelings, actions. It's a gut feeling, a hunch, a premonition a prophecy. It tells you who is good for you, who is bad for you and it tells you who is toxic.

Your intuition tells you who to trust and who will betray you. Plain, clear, exacting. Your intuition is always ahead of the game giving you direction. ALWAYS. But, we don't always listen to what our guidance system is telling us. We want what we want so we ignore our inner voice until it's so faint, it's like it's smothered by a pillow.

Inside your heart, soul, body and mind exists your core true self connected to the wisdom, knowledge and creative power of God--the creator of all things. Infinite intelligence flows through your being night and day. You have a choice, a decision to make in each moment--and that is to stay true or to deny that which is true for me.

Following your intuition takes practice. If you've experienced any abuse or maladaption in childhood, you may need to connect to your intuition, your truth and become acquainted, perhaps for the first time.

The Messengers of Intuition Here is a list from the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Beckel

Humor
Wonder
Anxiety
Curiosity
Hunches
Gut Feelings
Doubt
Hesitation
Suspicion
Apprehension
Fear

Barriers to Hearing Your Inuition

Childhood abuse or trauma can cause you to lose touch with the voice in your heart, it can also cause you to mistrust your own inclinations.

Desire for approval, recognition, attention, appreciation (narcissistic needs) is stronger than your connection to your core truth.

You don't know the difference between intuition and other voices in your head (as from the Inner Critic).

Lack of confidence or faith in your own truth.

Inability to recognize and take action on intuitive leanings.

Building a relationship of trust between yourself and yourself. Value the impulses of your intuition. Guard your intuitive thoughts and take action to pursue the requests of your deepest heart of hearts. 

The key is taking action. You strengthen your connection to your intuition by heeding its yearnings. You can heed the yearnings of your heart in the following ways to get used to the idea:
  • Go for a walk without an agenda. Let your intuition lead the way for once. Go where it guides you to go.
  • Label your intuition. When you have an intuitive moment, try to catch yourself and label it as such.
  • Stand firm in your intuition. Back yourself up. If you feel the strong desire to eat oranges, then do whatever it takes to get that orange in your mouth right away. If you can't stop thinking about a friend, stop what you're doing and call that person.
  • Take action. Take action to back up your intuition. 
  •  
  •  
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Intuition is a guidance mechanism of our psyche. It is connected to the very heart of God. It is the god-part of you which is connected to the collective consciousness. Inside of you is a well spring of wisdom, truth, love, well being and abundance.

This is the place of higher perspective from which your intuition dwells. It will always have the right answer for you. It will always steer you in the right direction. It has as its goal your eternal expansion. It is the voice of truth inside of you.

Your intuition is like an old fashioned gentleman. It will always let your wild side go first. It isn't boastful, grandiose or exploitative. It doesn't throw tantrums or express rage. Intuition is simply your wise, insightful sage that sits at the core of who you are. It cares deeply for your well being and it knows the truth that you may not be able to see.

Intuition incorporates unconscious clues into its leanings.

Deciphering the Intuitive You from other Parts of You

Each of us have various parts within our psyche including such figments as the wounded child, the adult or wise one, the critical one, the happy one, the sick one, the victim, the list is endless. The secret to determining which is your intuitive truth without becoming confused by this crowd in your mind is to

1. Listen to your heart.
2. Seek to know your intuition.
3. Invite your intuition to live with you in life and to help you.
4. Get to a clear, quite place. Change locations. Go outside. Go for a run or a walk.
5. Fight the tendency to use your cognitive defenses or cognitive biases.
6. Examine your justifications for not following your intuition in real time.
7. Live on a higher level of observation through mindfulness techniques.
8. Develop a meditation practice that will help you to be still and tuned into your inner truth.
9. Set a strong intention to know your intuition.
10. Take baby steps today following the leanings of your heart without asking why, JUST DO IT.

There is a difference between your intuition and a made-up idea. True intuition is subtle as hell. It doesn't knock you over, unless you're very accustomed to following it. It stands firm, resolute, strong, capable, available and ready to lead and guide you, if you will let it.

How to Trust your Intuition

Start practicing now. It will come in handy once a real need to heed your own still voice comes up.

Pitfalls to Following Your Intuition

Your intuition is leading you to your highest good, which may be vastly different than making you feel good this red hot minute.  You will need to gain self discipline to override your impulses and instead follow your own inner guidance. You must rise to take action on your own behalf, even when a larger part of you wants to ignore your truth for some other pursuit. The key is to bring your whole self--your ENTIRE SELF into submission of your own inner guidance of intuition and truth. Anything less is Self Betrayal.

Allow your intuition to override your impulses.

Your intuition is tapped into infinite intelligence.

Intuition is clarity. Take bold action to the tune of the clarity inside your heart.

Following your intuition is like playing a musical instrument--except, you're the violin!

It's like a dance where you let your true self take the lead. 

Like a therapist in your mind.

Your intuition is that part of you that is beneath the hurt, the pain, the wounds... It's the part of you that exists always, beyond time and space. Even beyond thought and feeling. Your intuition is the core of who you are, linked up with the source of all creation. 


Those of us raised to abandon and reject ourselves may not have a clue about following our intuition. Others may follow their intuition every day and not even realize what they're doing. Suffice it to say, the latter experience much happier, fulfilled and satisfying lives.  Those who are disconnected from their own true source within will experience pain, neurosis and any manner of mental illness, depression or other negative malady.  I repeat. Those who are out-of-touch or out-of-sync with their intuition (like I was) will experience pain insomuch as they do.

Heeding your intuition fully is the result of truly finding yourself. It is the only way to love yourself effectively.

Your intuition is your inner parent. Your inner wisdom. Inner guide. Can you imagine being out-of-touch? Can you imagine turning to addictions instead of heeding the still voice who is the proponent of your highest good?

Your intuition is always with you. It will always comfort, always support. It may correct, but will do so gently, lovingly and without judgment. This inner leaning is the you that loves you, protects you, warns you, fights for you, talks to you, guides you, reminds you,

Intuition consists of pure unconditional acceptance and love. It guides you for your good, not for promise of gain or fear of loss. It doesn't need to get anything. It doesn't need to impress anyone. It doesn't need to prove itself or win anyone over. Intuition doesn't stoop to the level of persecution games, but instead serves as your higher self with a universal perspective beyond all space, time, thoughts and emotion.

Following your intuition won't always bring the great emotional rush that lower level impulsive actions may bring... That's because intuition is centered and clear. It just is, it doesn't need the


It's not the part of you that needs a jolt of intensity just to feel. Your intuition is the part of you that knows what to do. The answers to everything you need are within your heart, though you distract yourself from these answers under the guise of looking for answers.

A big problem is questioning your intuition. This may occur if you were raised to abandon yourself. You may question if your perceptions are correct, or if you're off base. The key to knowing is in going higher to the level of your motive. Letting that high place penetrate the low, needy, desperate wounded child that wants what it wants and doesn't care if what it wants is nothing like it really wants. 

Your wounded child is the biggest blocker of your intuition.
  • That's not a good idea.
  • This person is exploitative.
  • Stay away from her.
  • Stop this relationship.
  • This friend is good.
  • He can't be what I need.
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People who were abused as children have difficulty in their own hearts because they're disconnected from their core truth. They're disconnected from the heart of who they are. They're disconnected from their true self, their intuition, and tragically, from their true source.


There may be another drive or impulse for them to override their better judgment and take a huge risk with an abusive person... whereas the intuitive true self says, "He's not good for you."

But if you are not accustomed to heeding your true self, you may barely be able to discern it from all the other noise. If you haven't been taught the value of that true self, then you may just steam roll over it with your wounded child's impulsive pursuits.

If you're plugged into your intuitive center, your life will be so much better. This is the essence of inner bonding and intimacy with others.


Intuition will never lead you astray. If you're off-track, it's likely because you failed to listen and act according to your own inner wisdom.

Intuition doesn't need to pick up the phone and get someone's advice, but your false self might. Your false self might be looking for outside validation for bullying the true self and ruling your life as you go from one mistake to the other.

So long as you ignore your intuition, you will continue to lose pieces of yourself that you need to reach your destination: Your highest good.

You believe it? It must be true.

You want that? I will get it for you.

You don't like that? I will make it stop.

You think that? What I think means everything to me.

 You feel how? My feelings are my emotional guidance system.

Intuition is not the negative voice inside your head, or the inner critic telling you that you're no good, incompetent and decrepit... That would be the antithesis of intuition. Intuition is always true, always pure, always clear, always correct. It is not confusing, frustrating, badgering and nagging. It's still. It's quiet. It's soft and it whispers. It is trying to lead and guide you beneath the surface. It's your turn now to let it rule.

Weigh intuition against rational mind. Judith Orliff.

The key for those who are learning to love themselves is that you give space to the intuition, perhaps even for the first time. Space for your truth to be heard and respected--by you, your very own self.

Intuition is a feeling in the body, in the gut especially, about another person.


Sometimes the wrong decision is disguised as the easiest.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/
Our minds seek comfort. Our hearts seek truth.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/
“I believe in intuitions and inspirations… I sometimes ‘feel’ that I am right. I do not ‘know’ that I am.” ~ Albert Einstein

“We have five senses in which we glory and which we recognize and celebrate, senses that constitute the sensible world for us. But there are other senses — secret senses, sixth senses, if you will — equally vital, but unrecognized, and unlauded.” ~ Oliver Sacks






http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/

3. Look for the signs. Often we overlook subtle synchronicities which are there to guide us down the best path. I believe that such signs are actually our subconscious trying to communicate with our conscious self. We should pay attention to coincidences and make note of subtle symbols which might lead us to discover a more authentic life choice which is truly best for us.



“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

“Intuition is seeing with the soul.” ~ Dean Koontz
 http://www.wikihow.com/Follow-Your-Intuition

Intuition is "knowing" something without being able to explain how you came to that conclusion rationally.[1] It's that mysterious "gut feeling" or "instinct" that often turns out to be right, in retrospect. When you've whittled down your options and are stuck at a crossroads, getting in touch with your intuition can help. Learning how to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, is difficult but intuition can be developed, especially when following some of these ideas.


Intuition is basically how you quickly tap into your subconscious mind, which is where you "archive" all kinds of information that you don't remember on a conscious level.[2] Sometimes you pick up on things subconsciously without realizing it, such as body language. It'll register as a certain "feeling" that you can't articulate at that moment, but it could very well be valid.[3]



2
Ask yourself questions and listen to the first answer that pops into your mind. That isn't easy, because several thoughts will flood your mind at once. For instance, let's say you're looking at a menu. In figuring out what you want, pick out the first thing that stands out to you. Ignore the remainder of your thoughts, like for example: "But I didn't even look at the specials" or "But my friend is on a diet and I'll feel bad eating this in front of him" or "But my uncle said the mashed potatoes he had here were too mushy" etc. Don't dwell on it. Just pick something. It might be scary, because what if you make the wrong choice? Do not worry, you will be fine.  t



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpte6gGyVcc

Voice of intuition is quiet, quick, transcendental, peace, void of these emotional ties, attachment and fears. Not intense resistance to

Patient, not urgent. Perspective of this most expansive, eternal view of yourself does not align with fear.

Ego will keep you separate to avoid annhiliation. You better do this now or something bad will happen. Judgment, bad, cynisism.

True self does not question worth. Sees world more horizontally. Other same as self.

Ego feeds off of both extremes. Better than/Less Than, self defeating shame or self defeating pride. Never in present moment.

Strengthen connection with the True Self.

Seek and ye shall find.

Only through stillness that it can come through.

You have to be soft to be able to receive.

Let go of the need for the illusion of separateness between you and others.

right, superior, function of ego

Ego feeds off of need.
True self focuses on desire