Boundaries in Dating

When you are entering into a dating relationship, it's important to get clear with the other person just what is going on with you in your heart, where the two of you stand and where you are going. This is what boundaries are all about; clearly defining your own self relative to the other party.

Coming from a place of zero self love and boundaries, I simply did not have the skills to know my own boundary needs--much less assert my boundaries and set limits with my romantic partners. I wanted so much to be loved that I basically gave myself away for nothing. This is not sexually speaking, but everything. Rather than offend the person I wanted in my life, I would comply with their wishes and not say a word. Inside my heart would cry out, but I could barely hear what it needed. My relationships never quite worked out the way it should. I was a doormat.

This led to much frustration in my life and needless heartache. Finally, I started to understand what boundaries are all about, although, it's always a progressive endeavor to clarify my feelings and express my needs effectively. Having boundaries is a requirement for having a healthy relationship--the better your boundaries, the more of you there is to love and receive love. 

This article will discuss setting boundaries in a dating situation. Here are a few things I've learned about setting boundaries in dating that are crucial to success:

1. Don't be afraid of talking to the other party to define where you two stand at any time. You have a right to know! Don't hide yourself under a barrel and allow the relationship to ebb endlessly out of your control. You need to take the reigns and clarify exactly what is going on. Will boundaries spoil the mystery and romance? Perhaps, but it is more important that you're grounded in reality than mystery, in my opinion.

• So, is this a date? 
• Are we exclusive, or are we seeing other people?
• Are you looking for a long-term relationship?
  

2. Set limits on behavior. Even if you really like the other person, you need to set limits in order to establish the boundaries of yourself. This is an act of self respect and it will earn you respect from the person you're dating. Setting pre-determined limits will give both of you an idea of expectations and will help prevent your emotional train from going off track.

• I don't take phone calls after 10pm.
• If you want to communicate with me, I prefer you call me on the phone than text all the time.
• I am available after 6pm if you'd like to give me a call. 
• I can only speak for a few moments. 

3. Express your needs and wants clearly. Don't be shy about explaining what you expect and what you need. If you don't explain who you are, the other person will never get the chance to really know you. Besides, you are a human being and you have the right to get your needs met. You must know what you need and express it assertively as you go to prevent a giant blow-up at an inopportune time that can potentially ruin your relationship.

• I drink Pinot Grigio.
• I prefer that we not drive around all evening. 
• I'd prefer we date more in person before we get really involved in phone conversations.

 4. Stick to your boundaries. Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when you're just getting started. It is much easier to lay down on the ground and let people walk all over you. However, nobody likes a doormat, so you must get up, dust yourself off and stand your ground. Don't let the other person land blast you. Be firm in your resolve to keep your boundaries intact. Without boundaries, you cannot have a lasting relationship, so deal with the discomfort and be vigorous in protecting your personal, emotional identity and space. You train others how to treat you. They will only treat you as good as you treat yourself, so stick to your boundaries as a way of showing them that you're no pushover.

• Don't give in, even if he or she insists.
• Don't placate someone trying to override your boundaries. 
• Remember, they are watching you! Train them right.

5. Take time to examine your own heart. It's difficult to know where you stand when you're getting involved in a great, new relationship. Your heart may be a'flutter and your hormones may be surging dramatically, however, you must--at all costs--take time to examine where you're at. Where is your heart? What is true and real? What is fantasy? What is really happening? What is he or she really saying? What do you really think about what they're saying? How do you feel? What do you need? What are you getting too much of? What is missing?

• Take breaks no matter how much you like the person.
• Step back and take the space you need to consider what is happening.
• Pull yourself back to yourself rather than going into fantasy-land about your partner.

Relationships

If you want a good relationship, stop defending yourself and instead, try seeing through the eyes of the other person.

Detachment & Connection

This is a difficult one, to be connected yet to disconnect. There is a fine line. Knowing where to detach and having strength to do it without recoiling too far is an art form. Detach then bounce back to connection with equal vigor. That is what I'm learning... How to be connected, yet still me.

You must detach from anything in your life that you cannot control. You must detach from anything in your life that is not contributing to your highest good. This is loving yourself. 
~ J. Ryan

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness”
― Erich Fromm 

How to Know If You're Being Disregarded

Messages are sent and received during your interactions with others. The interactions you have with others, good or bad, send messages to your psyche that either validates, affirms, accepts and values your existence, or invalidates, questions, rejects and devalues who you are. It is your job as guardian of your own soul to ensure that you are being treated well by those around you so that you can grow to your full potential and live a peaceful, healthy life inside and out.

Only The Disregarded Care About Disregard

There are many who say that it is only those who feel less-than that are concerned with how they are regarded by others, and if that's the case, okay. I'll admit it. As an adult Child Abuse Survivor, I've had my moments of feeling lower than the rest of the world. My goal here is not to inspire you to be a weirdo checking to make sure everyone around you regards you rightly, but more, to help you discover ways you may be allowing yourself to be put in a subservient position without knowing it. Awareness is always better than being in the dark.

Relationships Fill or Deplete

We are all intricately connected through relationship. We need relationships with others to meet our emotional needs. The relationships that we have in our lives are either healthy and life-giving, or toxic and life-taking. People in our lives either support us by lifting us up and affirming our reality or not. Toxic relationships tear us down, exploit our energy, seek to control us, and may cause us to question our identity and worth. The quality of the connections we have with others greatly affects our overall well being.

Even small encounters with people you barely know end up sending messages to you about who you are and where you stand in the world. If you want to know the signals you're giving out, look at the way people are treating you. You train others how to treat you. 

Whether you feel valuable as a person or not reflects in your relationships because your relationships are a reflection of your own value towards yourself. If you want to know how you value yourself, take a look at how others treat you. They are following your lead, for the most part. Of course, there is the occasional creep, but I'm talking about the people who sustain you.

Messages About Self Worth

The messages we received growing up are the messages that form our self perception. If we were devalued as children, we will continue that pattern as adults by devaluing ourselves and letting others devalue us too. We simply don't know any other way. If we were devalued as children, we were "conditioned" to be devalued and expect to be treated badly, even if allowing such treatment is hurtful. Poor treatment becomes normal to those who are abused as children.

If you are not taught to protect yourself as a child against the adults who raise you, then you are inadequately prepared for the harsh realities of the world. If you were not valued as a child and treated with respect, then you are ill-prepared to face the world and its obstacles. When you come from an abusive upbringing, whether it was the fault of your parents or not, it can be very difficult for you to know who you are.

You can only perceive yourself rightly when you are raised in a respectful and loving environment. If you don't know your worth and value, your life can be very difficult and painful. You may blame yourself for situations that are not your fault, and you will likely be filled with shame for being yourself.

Pain is a Messenger

When you feel badly, hurt, sad or depressed, it all comes from the root of your own opinion of yourself deep, deep, deep down in your subconscious. Further, if you question your value as a person, chances are you have allowed other people into your inner-world who do not affirm your preciousness.
 
Pain serves as a signal to your mind that you have been wronged in some way, that something is amiss. It does not mean that you are bad or inherently flawed. It simply means that some aspect of your thinking or relating is damaging your soul. It's important to listen to the message that your pain is sending you. Pain is the catalyst to growth. It is only when you listen to your pain that you can solve the dilemma and grow as a person, mature emotionally and feel better.

We must become keenly attuned to our pain, the pinpricks of our heart in order to accurately gauge the worthiness not of ourselves, but of our interactions. If we've lived our lives avoiding pain, stuffing hurts down so as to make others happy (learned from improper childhood conditioning), we may not have immediate and direct access to the emotional triggers that signal improper treatment. It is only by becoming aware of our internal world, and understand our rights as human beings on this planet that we can begin to recognize when damage is taking place and take immediate steps to protect ourselves.

An example of this is a child who is taught to be nice to her abusers. A child is not going to argue with an adult, of course, as the adult is terrifying to her. Her very life hangs in the balance. She feels her survival depends on compliance. A child psychologically idealizes her caretakers, putting them on a pedestal. An abusive person who seeks power and control may exploit their power over the mind of the child. What happens is the child learns to mold herself around the needs and wishes of the abuser. As she gets older, she never loses that life schema, but continues to treat abusive people like they're better than her.

If we experienced maltreatment growing up, we may have a hard time recognizing it today. Some disregard of our person by others may pass by unnoticed unless it is blatant. While we may not be consciously aware of all the devaluation that takes place, subconsciously our mind records every misstep. We are constantly gauging our worth and value to others and to ourselves during our social interactions, and in our own minds in the form of self talk.

Now that you're an adult, you have responsibility for yourself. You are no longer a child, no longer at the mercy of your parents. You are now capable of making positive changes in your life, and setting boundaries against improper treatment. Understanding this truth is empowering. Depending on the level of devaluation that you received as a child, it may be hard to value yourself and recognize poor treatment. That means you may have to learn to value yourself manually since it will not come naturally to you. This is a very difficult process, but it is possible to learn how to love and value yourself and recognize improper treatment--IF you're willing to do the work of healing and unraveling the lies that keep you abandoning yourself and engaging in toxic relationships.

Emotion Quotes

All internal experience can be divided into two categories: genuine affect and defense against that affect.

Chronic emotional states defend against bypassed emotions that are even more painful.

Your defenses promise to keep you safe. Your defenses keep you stuck.

Whatever your ego is protecting probably isn’t worth the costs.

Habits are defensive.

Dr. Steven Brownlow

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Feelings are the language of the unconscious.

Dr. Steven Brownlow


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Rage reduces empathy.


Dr. Steven Brownlow


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People’s narcissism is often most evident when they’re trying to act most noble and selfless.

Dr. Steven Brownlow


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There is no particular technique for being real.


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The most straightforward way to improve all aspects of your health is to master your bypassed emotions.

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People are processes who want to see themselves (and others) as finished products.

You health and your environment both reflect your deeper psychology.

It’s easier for people to talk about their “heart” emotions, like sadness, than their “gut” emotions, like disgust.

Intense stress desynchronizes emotional from contextual memory. This is the trauma experience.

Nobody gets angrier or more self-righteous than they do when their favorite rationalizations are questioned.

Ninety percent of solving most problems is figuring out exactly what the problem is.

Once you bypass an emotion, your functioning will become increasingly erratic.

It's the therapist's role to help the client name & face the fear disguised as an acceptable/familiar self-deception.

Any excuse to remain stuck is a rationalization based on fear.

Don’t try to remove your emotions. Instead, master them.

Accept others, but remain true to yourself.

Attach to people and processes, not objects or outcomes.

Attachment to outcomes brings misery.

Perfectionism is a sure path to misery.

Few people are harder to help than the person whose mind constantly changes based on who talked to them last.

Pleasure and pain are universal. Learn to accept both without getting entangled by either.

Conditioning isn't destiny.

The most likely cause of a man’s depression is his failure to be the man he thinks he should be ~Frank Pittman

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. ~C.G. Jung

You can’t truly love someone unless you’re willing to set limits on their misconduct.

Very little is irreversible, and no single event is ever the end of the story.

People tend to discount their strengths and the growth they’ve made along their journeys.

Romantic crap tells people that to be fulfilled they need others to love them. Actually, we’re fulfilled by loving others.

It’s no use blaming people for doing what you allow them to get away with.

If you don’t set limits when others transgress your boundaries, it’s your boundary problem, not theirs.

The part of us that blocks our changing is trying to protect us. It will relent only when we ally ourselves with it.

Close relationships are what matters.

Control vs. Loving Action

Today, put two sticky notes wherever you are that say: "What am I trying to control or avoid?" and "What is the loving action toward myself - what is in my highest good?" Whenever you feel any stress, ask these questions and allow the answers to come through you from your higher Self.
Are you aware of how you treat yourself that causes some of your stress?

Dr. Margaret Paul, Inner Bonding

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This week, be on the lookout for the overt and subtle ways you try to control your feelings and control others feelings and actions. Take all judgment off being controlling so you can learn. How do you avoid your feelings? How do you try to get others to like you or do what you want? While the wounded self believes controlling bring safety, it actually causes much distress within yourself and within relationships, so noticing it gives you the opportunity to be loving to yourself and others rather than controlling.  

Dr. Margaret Paul, Inner Bonding

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Anger at others is often a projection of some way you are not taking loving care of yourself. Use your anger to learn, not to avoid.

 

Dr. Margaret Paul, Inner Bonding

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5 Keys to Attracting the Love of Your Life

We attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of emotional health. This means that if you want to attract a healthy, loving partner, you need to become that healthy person first. This does not mean that you need to have attained some imagined level of perfection, but it does mean that the kind of energy you project has everything to do with the kind of person you attract.
There are mainly two kinds of energy:

• Insecure
• Secure

 Read full article by Dr. Margaret

5 Keys to Attracting the Love of Your Life