Narcissistic Illusion & External Validation of False Self

7 Ways to Be a True Friend to Your TRUE SELF

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. If you want to draw and attract healthy, good solid relationships into your life, then you must first create a healthy, good, solid relationship with your TRUE SELF.

Please note, I'm not talking about the FALSE SELF which seeks validation through external means such as looks, money, unsatisfying relationships, social climbing, fame or material gains. I'm talking about your True Self which endures beneath all the fake stuff. I'm talking about your True Self, which holds the key to life and freedom; the doorway out of the illusion of happiness (unreachable fantasy)... to the reality of true peace and well being.

1. Take time to be alone.

If you Love Yourself and want the best for you, then you must take time with yourself. Spending quality time with yourself, and allowing you to just "be" who you are--whatever that may be... even if it's painful, depressing, sad or happy or glad. Taking time to be there for you with no one else around is crucial. Not being able to be alone with yourself is a sign that you haven't discovered how beautiful you are, and can skew your ability to be there for others, keeping you from equal, healthy relationships.

The reverse is true, if you tend to isolate, then it's important for you to start taking risks and allow your true self to be seen around safe people. CODA Meetings are a great way to start doing this if you have any nearby.  

2. Protect yourself from the Inner Critic's shaming statements.

The Inner Critic is formed from the messages you received from not getting your dependency needs met as a child. A child has no boundaries and receives all unmet dependency needs as messages-- whether intended or not from caretakers--as messages of his or her worthlessness. These messages form the inner critic that stays with the person until it is dismounted and reparented in adulthood through soul work. In order to have a good relationship with yourself, you have to do soul work which will protect your Inner Critic from harming your true self. Books to help you with this process include, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw and "Soul without Shame" by Byron Brown.

3. Reparent your inner child.

You have to reconnect and take notice of your inner child. If you have trouble being there for yourself and getting into negative, painful relationships, or avoiding closeness altogether, then it is evident that you are abandoning your inner child (as you were conditioned to do by no fault of your own). We learn to hide, criticize, abuse our inner child for the rest of our lives. Our inner child goes into hiding as a way to survive, but it never goes away. As an adult, if you want to heal your relationship with yourself, and thereby heal your relationship to others, to God and to life, then you must meet your sweet, innocent, precious inner child face to face. This can be done through therapy, meditation, guided imagery, visualization, journaling, art and sleeping with a Teddy Bear. :)

4.  Get in touch with your real feelings.

Getting in touch with your real feelings involves going deeper than you are right now to figure out what you're really feeling inside. When I first started understanding this concept, I was shocked to discover that I had no idea how I really felt. I may have been angry with someone, but felt depressed and paralyzed to take action. I may have felt sad, but focused on being a workaholic instead. I may have been afraid, but drank alcohol to soothe my fears. For many years I turned to Christianity to hide from how I really felt. Getting in touch with your real feelings involves naming how you're really feeling so you can reconcile yourself with yourself. Remember, there are 6 basic feelings, Anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, surprise. Try staying congruent with yourself and getting to your core feelings. A therapist can help you with this process.

5. Listen to yourself to determine your needs.

This was a hard one for me. Learning to listen to yourself in order to determine the true need. I never knew what a need was, or that I had a right to have any needs. When I was little I was shamed for my needs, so access to the messaging system in my psyche that I have a specific need was lost along the way. Thankfully you can get the knowledge back and learn the language of your own intuition, your own needs. Your needs express themselves in a variety of ways, from thoughts, to feelings to body sensations. Learning the language of your own needs is crucial to being your own best friend. I can't tell you the relief I've felt when I finally recognized a need of my True Self and was able to meet that need. Whew! It is worth the effort to figure this out.

6. Meet your own emotional needs.

Meeting your own emotional needs involves recognizing your needs in the first place. Taking action to meet your actual needs rather than running to your nearest addiction is a huge step towards befriending your true self. Meeting your own emotional needs is not easy in the beginning because you may have been blocked from getting your needs met for so long; however, it is possible to get some relief by meeting your own needs today. Meet your own emotional needs by taking action, getting out of the house, positive affirmations, visualization, tending to your inner child, making friends with someone safe, allowing some gray area. Just being there for you, sitting with your pain, sharing your pain with your counselor. This deserves it's own article.

 7. Take action on your behalf.

Every time you take action to heal, to be alone with yourself, to relate to safe others, to take care of your physical body, to journal, to get in touch with your needs, to meet your needs--every time you do anything for yourself, you are opening the way for your TRUE SELF to come out and shine. Any time you TAKE ACTION to meet your own emotional needs, to take care of yourself, you are being a friend to your True Self. Taking care of you paves the way for loving relationships with yourself, with others, with the universe and with life. Every time you answer the call of your own heart to be there instead of rushing to the nearest external source of validation, you are being a friend to yourself and allowing your True Self to come into the light where you belong.

Your TRUE SELF has likely gone into hiding, especially in our culture today which is based on the notion that people are sinful and need to be punished. Generations before have passed along a legacy of toxic shame and self hatred. We have been raised to be unconscious and self-harming. We've paid a huge price for the ignorance of our parents and our parent's, parents, et al. This abandonment of the true self has led to addictions such as workaholism, alcoholism, sex addiction, love addiction, gambling addiction, internet addiction, porn addiction and a number of other serious assaults to the true self and to true feelings of aliveness. If we are to combat the pain of self annihilation through healing, we must begin by finding our true selves and being our own best friend.

The benefits are endless.

100 Ways to Let Go

Letting go is about releasing control or the perception of control. Giving up personal control of all these things on the list below. Keep in mind... I am not shaming myself for thinking in old maladaptive ways. I'm not reprimanding myself at all.

I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.

Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.

I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)

1. I let go of trying to make people understand me who don't have the capacity to understand me.
2. I let go of the need to be perfect.
3. I let go of my inner critic telling me I'm not good enough.
4. I let go of trying to impress other people.
5. I let go of trying to cover up my pain with substances, people, behaviors or activities.
6. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
7. I let go of having to be right.
8. I let go of proving myself.
9. I let go of people pleasing.
10. I let go of the compulsion to put myself beneath others.
11. I let go of the compulsion to look down on others.
12. I let go of the need to stay busy all the time.
13. I let go of my false self.
14. I let go of the pain I've felt for so long.
15. I let go of the need to prove that I'm unlovable.
16. I let go of my fear of abandonment.
17. I let go of my fear of rejection.
18. I let go of my need to have someone love me no matter how cruel they are to me.
19. I let go of my need to have a perfect body.
20. I let go of my need to be accepted by those who are unaccepting of me.
21. I let go of my aversion to kindness and love.
22. I let go of living in the future or the past.
23. I let go of defining myself by my material possessions.
24. I let go of trying to prove that I'm right.
25. I let go of trying too hard.
26. I let go of toxic relationships.
27. I let go of relationships that are for show but offer nothing.
28. I let go of trying to get the love that I never got in childhood.
29. I let go of my need to please the unpleasable.
30. I let go of my need to be strong so that I can grieve.
31. I let go of hiding from myself.
32. I let go of hiding from my vulnerability.
33. I let go of hiding from my pain.
34. I let go of trying to get affirmation from outside sources.
35. I let go of ignoring my deepest intuition.
36. I let go of being afraid of what others think of me.
37. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by others. 
38. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by myself.
39. I let go of the shame I feel for the abuse I've endured.
40. I let go of the shame I feel for the progress I've made.
41. I let go of the shame for my success.
42. I let go of the shame for my failures.
43. I let go of feeling like I am bad, worthless, unlovable.
44. I let go of feeling guilty for things outside of my control.
45. I let go of feeling toxic shame for my mistakes.
46. I let go of needing to control others opinions of me.
47. I let go of needing to give advice to other people without being asked.
48. I let go of feeling pity for those who are abusive towards me. 
49. I let go of taking the blame for all the problems in my relationships.
50. I let go of giving too much in relationships.
51. I let go of taking too little in my relationships.
52. I let go of hiding my needs to make other people comfortable.
53. I let go of saying yes when I mean no.
54. I let go of automatically agreeing that others are right and I am wrong.
55. I let go of blindly following people without checking with my heart first.
56. I let go of feeling sorry that I'm taking up air to breathe.
57. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
58. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's life problems.
59. I let go of negative emotions that keep me from myself.
60. I let go of eating to soothe emotional pain.
61. I let go of exercising to be perfect and accepted.
62. I let go of degrading myself in order to motivate myself.
63. I let go of judging others.
64. I let go of judging myself.
65. I let go of seeing myself as all good or all bad (black and white).
66. I let go of people who shame me.
67. I let go of labels and stereotypes for myself and others.
68. I let go of trying to get love from those who have no love to give.
69. I let go of allowing myself to be abused.
70. I let go of my old story.
71. I let go of trying to prove myself to people who are rejecting.
72. I let go of rejecting people.
73. I let go of ignoring my needs.
74. I let go of keeping the peace at the cost of my self esteem.
75. I let go of pleasing others while abandoning myself.
76. I let go of the fear of anger in others.
77. I let go of the need to suffocate my own anger which is there to protect me.
78. I let go of denying my feelings.
79. I let go of ignoring myself while taking care of others.
80. I let go of taking care of those who can take care of themselves.
81. I let go of being controlled by others.
82. I let go of ignoring my truth.
83. I let go of being easily persuaded against my truth.
84. I let go of idealizing others.
85. I let go of the need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile.
86. I let go of feeling unworthy of love.
87. I let go of accepting abusive behavior.
88. I let go of settling for crumbs.
89. I let go of giving myself away.
90. I let go of allowing my inner child to be unprotected.
91. I let go of shaming myself for my needs.
92. I let go of being silent when I need to speak.
93. I let go of being compliant when I'm being disrespected.
94. I let go of the need to keep peace at all costs.
95. I let go of what other people need me to be for their own benefit.
96. I let go of being exploited.
97. I let go of self criticism.
98. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
99. I let go of addiction to people.
100. I let go of people who can't love me for who I am.
101. I let go of the need to perform for accusers.
102. I let go of the need to over give to abusive people.
103. I let go of the need to comply with bullies. 
104. I let go of the need to be controlled by others.
105. I let go of the habit of putting myself down for my imperfections.
106. I let go of comparing myself to others.
107. I let go of using outer circumstances to determine my internal worth.
108. I let go of ignoring my needs.

Narcissists Lead You With Your Own Shame

The narc appeals to the false self, but cuts you at the true self. They can only get a wounded person, a person with a wounded, shame-covered true self. If you want to get free, you have to build your self esteem by removing the layers of shame from your true self.
The narcissist will lead you around by the neck using your own shame as a muzzle. If you want to be free of your bond with narcissists, then deal with your own shame. Then the narcs have no way to get power over you. Process your own weak spots, that is, shame, so you can be protected from exploitation. 

When you are ashamed of who you are as a person, you create a false self. Your true self goes into hiding because of a feeling called shame. A false self rises up to cover the shame core. This is not real shame, but toxic shame which is born of childhood abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, psychological).

The false self is the part of you that is fooled by the narcissist. The false self, the ego, so to speak... the part of you that compares yourself to others. The part of you that's always on the lookout to get love or mourn for love that's gone... the part of you that thinks it's nothing without external validation... people pleaser, that's the only part of you that can be fooled into a narcissistic traps.
That part of you exists because of shame. Shame that you are no good inside. This is a lie that is embedded into children who are neglected and abused. Instead of love and getting your needs met as a child, you were left with shame, pain and anguish.

True narcissists have so much of the false self, they can't go near it. Others who are codependent have a false self that's easier to dismantle.

Shame is what you have to face at the core.

You have to keep returning to it again and again. Thinking about it, embracing it, writing about it, doing art, processing it, talk therapy, reading books, just massaging that bullshit right out of your system until in your eyes you see it as a speck on a giant earth from outer space. Until it no longer phases you.

Break off the shame by

1. Noticing it.
2. Embracing it.
3. Separating yourself from it.
4. Positive Self Talk
5. Self Compassion/ Empathy

Counterfeit Love

What is counterfeit love? This term captured me as I was reading quotes from one of my favorite psychology authors, John Bradshaw posted on this article. I know what counterfeit love is, I know it all too well.

There are two kinds of love, real love and false love--just like there is your true self and your false self. False love produces the false self and true love produces the true self in others. Those who are accustomed to being loved for who they really are, and validated as children are more able to function in their true and natural state in adulthood. Unfortunately, those who were loved wrongly--and for the wrong reasons--develop a false self that covers and hides the true self with toxic shame.

So what is the difference? I know I've written about it before... the difference is that false love is love that may look like love, but isn't really love at all. False love is about being loved for being what someone else wants, needs or expects you to be--not, however, for being who you really are. True love is being loved for who you really are, even when that means you are not pleasing and complying.

True Love - Loving another for who they are, even when they are disappointing or make mistakes. Loving that person in their reality, as they experience life without trying to mold them, manipulate them, shape them and form them into anything other than who they are. True love is about receiving acceptance, validation and compassion for another as they unfold in their own way without expecting them to meet your needs or serve as an extension of your will and desires. True love is love that gives space and grace to the other, offering room for mistakes and all manner of vulnerability. This is true love. True love feels good; freeing; within true love we can grow and become all that we were born to become on this planet.

False Love - False love is being told directly or indirectly that who you really are is unacceptable, shameful, bad or wrong. It's being conditioned to believe that you must please the love object in order to GET love. It is a sense that you don't know who you are, you don't know what's best for you. False love teaches that your own experiences and reality are questionable, and that you should disregard your own gut and follow the whims of the one who is in control. False love is about power and control, manipulation, greed. It's about making the person into what is needed by the parent or lover instead of allowing the person to simply be who they are created to be.

If you've grown up in an environment that is less-than-nurturing, then you may not have ever in your life experienced true love. In fact, you may be operating out of your FALSE SELF without any inkling of who you really are. This False Self is a self that is a people pleaser which is always trying to seek validation externally. The False Self is at the core of narcissism, and at the other end of the same plane--it is at the core of codependency. (Codependency & narcissism being polar opposites on the same vibrational level). The False Self is fake and portrays itself as perfect, however, in reality it holds the ultimate flaw. The false self can never be satisfied and is forever relegated to the prison of addiction: sex, gambling, alcohol, relationships, love, shopping, eating, electronics--name your poison.

The False Self is narcissism. It's the part of us all that our culture is rabidly cultivating with imagery and idealism that can never deliver on its promises. The False Self craves the perfect body, the perfect home, the perfect career, perfect family, cars, vacations. All of these things promise to fulfill, but leave the core of the person--the true self starving for truth...

The True Self is truth. It doesn't give a shit about the kind of car you drive. It doesn't care if you eat spaghetti and wear a size 7. The True Self doesn't parade itself because it's not searching for anything because it already knows it is loved. It is impossible to function as the true self unless you know the truth of who you are--which is love. True love exactly as you are without outward adornments. You are love and there is nothing you can do to add to that fact, or take it away. This is the true self.

So we must keep the right perspective as we go about our lives and label and identify false premises from which we are living our lives. Any lies we believe will produce more of the false self... the feeling of toxic shame that we are inherently flawed, not good enough, wrong, bad. If we don't keep ourselves in check, we will feel ashamed and guilty for being who we are, and continue to try to cover up our shame by more purchases, more addictions or worse--suicide.

We must remind ourselves who we really are, every moment of the day. We must combat the voices that tell us we're not good enough. We must reparent ourselves and provide ourselves with true love and empathy for the inner child within that has been squashed and forgotten beneath layers and layers of falsity--of someone else's opinion of who we should be. We must curb our greed for material items which lie to us and promise the world but fail to deliver. We must stop making the mistake of believing that anything outside ourselves can add to or take away from our precious existence.

There is no other way.

True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.

Notes:

Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.







 

Do Narcissists Post Selfies?

I think a true Narcissist is too busy trying to be cooler than everyone else to do a selfie. The true narcissists I know would never stoop so low as to do a selfie. It takes a sweet, humble spirit to expose your face to the world. You can't be too concerned with flaws, or what others think. That's a few traits the narcissist just doesn't have.

The true Narcissist (especially the malignant, blood-sucking kind) is too good for everything and everyone. Though some selfie-takers may have narcissistic qualities; this does not a Narcissist make. Some narcissism is healthy. A true narcissist looks down on others and thinks he/she is too good for everything--although, deep down they have no Self. 

Some who take selfies are Narcs. They come in many forms, sometimes it's hard to tell at first because they're so charming, but hang around them long enough and you'll see that their image comes before dignity, truth, love, respect, relationships. Their image is all they have. They won't take a chance on cheap selfies. They get professional photo shoots done.

Real Love vs. False Love

I've also previously written about false love verses real love. False love is conditioned upon you or the other person doing what you want them to be and doing what you want them to do. False love is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love respects individual feelings, thoughts and perceptions. False love is the attempt to impose ones reality onto another. A very common example of acting out of false love is when a child falls on the ground and the parent, instead of soothing the child's pain, instead smiles like it never happened.

The parent would likely consider his or her actions as helping the child to overcome obstacles quickly, when in fact, the act of ignoring the pain the child is going through is damaging to the soul. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts and perceptions instead of trying to make what someone else experiences what you want it to be. It's more comfortable for the parent if the child smiles instead of cries, thus he or she invalidates the child by denying the child the freedom of expressing his or her pain both physical and/or emotional.

Without realizing it, we love falsely when we don't accept people for who they are. When we try to get them to smile when they are sad, we could--not always, but often, we could be invalidating their reality. It's healthy to accept others as they are, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Pain is not always fun. Many times we want to avoid it and be joyous instead, but this is detrimental to your emotional health. Painful emotions never go away. Your e-motions are energy that will stay stuck in your emotional being and even your physical body until released. Learn more about the topic in my previous article: Healing Frozen Emotions.

The False Self

The False Self.  I've come to understand the False Self as a part of yourself that tries to be something other than who you are in effort to gain acceptance and approval from others. This is the heart of codependence. When you're more concerned with what others think of you than following your own truth, you are codependent on outside input.

Another term for this condition is having an external locus of control. This state is very painful because one can never control the actions and reactions of others. If you're self-love and identity hinges on what others think, you're self worth fluctuates depending on whether you're accepted, rejected, approved or disregarded.

The False Self is the part of you that is playing a part. Your mask. It's the part that is trying to earn approval, to get love. The False Self cannot ever get love because true love flows from within, from your very essence. The False Self can only get false love which is conditional and leaves you feeling invisible and empty. ~ jlr 


_____

Sharing our wounded ego selves is sharing who we have created ourselves to be to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. There is no reality, no truth, no authenticity to our ego wounded self. Authentic connection is not possible from an inauthentic part of ourselves. No matter how much you may want the joy of authentic connection with your partner or others, it cannot occur until you authentically connect with yourself.

~ Dr. Marget Paul

Taking the Leap from False Love to Real Love

Just as there is such a thing as a real self and a false self, there is real love and false love. Your real self is who you really are, without any molding your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to earn love. Your real self is spontaneous, alive and vibrant. A false self is created when you're focus is outside of yourself. When you're living for the approval of others, changing to be what you think others want you to be; not being true to you, rigid and false.

Real love is when you love without control, when your aim is giving instead of taking, unconditional. Real love is when you're accepted just as you are, imperfections and all. False love is when you desire make others love you, to control their thoughts, to be perfect enough to earn love and to be found worthy.

If you live from a false self, which is rooted in perfectionism and people pleasing, all you can do is take from others. The false self has nothing to offer but false love. What a sad place to be! You fear losing the approval of others because you wrongly believe your worth is wrapped up in what others think.

Living from your real self, which is rooted in unconditional acceptance, you're not afraid to lose the love of others because your self worth does not depend on any outside source. You do not engage in people pleasing behaviors because you have confidence in your own worth. You are rooted in grounded within your own heart. You trust your own voice and know that you are worthwhile. You are able to share this real love with others in your life out of the abundance of what is already inside of you.

You don't have to change who you are in order to be loved.
You are lovable just as you are...
Your expressions are uniquely you, and you are fine the way you are.
You are beautiful inside and out.
You are enough.
You don't have to add on to you anything else.
You don't have to overcompensate.
You are not deficit.
You are abundantly abundant, a radiant light of truth.
You are okay.

You don't need people in your life who try to change you.
You don't need people in your life who convey that who you are is not enough.
You don't need people in your life to watch your performance.
You don't need anyone who loves you falsely.
You don't need anyone who places conditions on you for acceptance.

Practice being who you really are.

Get out of your comfort zone and express your truth and share your reality. Go against the grain of who and how everyone around you--including society--prefers that you be. Be you--really BE YOU. It may be scary at first. You will get better with practice.

Center yourself inside. Get to know who you really are and how you really feel. Take your energy ad focus inside instead of outside. They can never do for you what you need done. You are in charge of determining your own worth, peace, happiness and joy. Get to know your heart. Give yourself the attention you deserve. Begin to accept yourself for who you are and express yourself openly. Make a pact with yourself that you will no longer adapt to earn love. You are lovely and wanted. You have what it takes.

Taking the leap from your false self to your real self, and to real love from false love is a giant process. It requires discipline and persistence. It hurts sometimes. Not everyone accepts you and that can be painful. But you don't need them anyway. If you are not loved for who you are, then you're not loved at all. Don't worry, you grow stronger as you take risks, letting your real self shine though little-by-little. Give yourself a break.

You will make mistakes along the way... You may deny your real self since that's what you've been trained to do. (At least you're noticing!) You may become confused as to what is the real you and what is not you... It takes work to untangle your feelings. You may not even know yet where you stop and they begin. It takes courage to face the original pain that caused you to build a false self in the beginning. Do not give up! Keep fighting! Keep digging out of the hole. Your real self is down there, deep inside... Let it out! Let yourself SHINE!

Learn to bare with the pain and not run away. You will not die. Every time you face your fears of losing love for being who you are, and you choose your own side, you grow stronger.

You are worthy of love just the way you are, flaws and all. Set boundaries around yourself with others that honor your unique self. Remove people from your life who expect you to be perfect. Set boundaries with those operating from a false self and giving you false love. Break the pattern of performance. Love yourself for who you are and require that others do the same.

Be mindful of what you're giving and receiving. Take notes of your thoughts. Keep a journal. Find supporters. Read books. Peruse blogs. Commit to finding out and expressing who you truly are...

This is the essence of Self Love. You had it in you all along. ❤

Uncovering Perfectionism

What a relief!!! Perfectionism seeps into the crevices of life, lurking in places you never realized. Some people are perfectly sloppy or perfectly messed-up... It's not just for those with clean houses and tight bodies. Look for it any time you find yourself feeling unworthy. Perfectionism is you striving to attain approval from an internal construct that lives in your mind from childhood somewhere; it's a negative core belief based on a lie you accidentally swallowed. Maybe it was passed-down? People deny it all the time. 

The need to be perfect may seem to benefit you, of course, or you wouldn't do it--but in the end, it ravages your life and leaves you destitute. Any time I'm feeling off, I search my thoughts for hidden perfectionism... What mistakes am I afraid to know about? What humiliation am I avoiding by hiding my weaknesses? You'd be surprised where you'll find it. Uncovering it and exposing your true self underneath is liberating, but takes work and practice. Every day I have to remind myself--"Face it, you're not perfect and you never ever will be, so stop holding yourself back and just be who you really are..." It takes A LOT more courage to be you than it does to be perfect.