The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

 

 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’

Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

Should You Embrace Or Reject Your Inner Critic?

This is an excerpt of a blog comment I just wrote on a beautiful blog post. I thought it may be helpful for you. See original comment.  And please leave me a comment or send me a private message on the SelfLoveU Facebook Page telling me how this work is affecting you (I am the only one who sees it and your message will be confidential, unless you give me permission to share). I love hearing from you. It keeps me going.

Embrace the negative or eject it? I know it’s important that we embrace our whole selves, however, I feel that parts of us that are divided against the well being of the whole (even if they’re trying to protect us), should be kicked out, separated, banished, shoved against the wall, kicked to the moon.

That Imago Interject is the voice of the abuse. It’s insidious. When you are hurting inside and in pain because of something your subconscious is telling you… things you were taught about yourself as a child, under all the layers, keep repeating themselves over and over and repeating the trauma. We’re programmed to do it to ourselves. The pain our wounded child feels is the result of these false messages. It’s despair.

There is no power in despair. But, there is power in anger. Even the body response is different, more alert, upright and ready for action. Tapping into our anger inside against the false messages that are inside. Getting mad at the injustice our own hearts spew without conscious awareness. Standing up to the Inner Critic has helped me to access my own power and given me the ability to set boundaries within and without against criticism and conditional love.

My Inner Critic is never sad, confused or angry. It is just cognitively and constantly saying that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t go that deep, however, it wounds deep. My Inner Critic is not in my limbic, it’s in my Cerebral Cortex. It’s the judgment piece, which takes critical thinking, which is higher level, more cerebral than the wounds of my inner child (the emotional part).

I love the way Peter Walker, MA Psychotherapist explains how to deal with the inner critic. I’ve read it many, many times.

http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Once I started rebelling against the negative inner voices, I stopped hurting. There was no hurt in that area for the inner child to be hurt. It feels like I embraced the hurt not by holding onto it, but by kicking butt internally. Stopping the bleeding. Standing up to the Inner Critic has made all the difference. 1000s of little hurts, but one at a time.

Trauma Bonding, Betrayal Bonds & Stockholm Syndrom

Hold up y'all. Things are about to get real. As you know, I am a child abuse survivor and I've been through a lot of difficult times in my life. Thankfully I've worked hard and have attained a high level of healing, however, I will never forget where I came from or the path it took to get here. I will always remember and always have a soft spot for people who are stuck in abusive situations. My heart breaks for victims of abuse.

Here are typical questions of victims of abuse.

• This guy just spit on me. Why do I still want to be with him?
• This woman just cheated on me and still I can't find the strength to let her go.
• I hurt so badly. All I want to do is text or call him--even though he beats me up.

 These questions are hard-core. It's painful to even think for a moment that someone would actually want to protect someone who abuses them. Right? But it happens every day. It has happened to me too. Why? The answer is: TRAUMA BONDING.

Trauma Bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome and Betrayal Bonding is a phenomenon whereby a person who is abused BONDS WITH the abuser. It doesn't make sense does it? Very difficult to understand, however, this is a very common occurrence. My goal with this article is not to tell you about the Trauma Bond so much as to help you get released from the bond if you are in this situation, and to help you understand why you keep wanting to go back to someone who is an evil monster.

The more aware you are of how your mind works, the better equipped you are to make decisions in your best interest. The goal is to get away from the abusive person and never look back. The goal is to get out of bad relationships and get healthy so you can attract a healthy mate. The goal is to live a peaceful, calm, delicious life so that you can express your truth and live to your full potential. I believe this is possible for each and every one of us. Yes, even you. ((Hugs))

According to my research, here's what happens when you are abused (experience trauma):

• Trauma causes memory disturbances that reroute memories causing forgetfulness of what is really happening. Your mind goes into overload and starts processing things differently. You can dissociate (forget what is going on).
• Trauma causes your hormones to flow. Women produce Oxytocin after traumatic experiences. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone, thus, if a woman is abused, she will bond with her abuser.
• Trauma entails intermittent reinforcement meaning that the perpetrator is sometimes nice, sometimes abusive. This behavior is highly addictive and can cause the victim to become obsessed with the abuser. 
• Trauma can be a form of "repetition compulsion" whereby a person is trying to right the wrongs of childhood abuse, or who feels comfortable in abusive situations. 
• Trauma can cause "cognitive dissonance"

According to the theory of "traumatic bonding" by Dutton and Painter, powerful emotional attachments often develop from two features of abusive relationships: intermittent (sweet/mean cycle) reinforcement and power imbalance.

What To Do If I Feel Like Saying I'm Sorry All the Time [SelfLoveU Video Q&A]

Child Abuse Recovery, Validation & Support Practical Advice for Loving Yourself More http://facebook.com/SelfLoveU http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/






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True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.

Notes:

Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.







 

Invalidation (SelfLoveU Video)

Narcissists & Their Partners: Unraveling the Bond (NPDRecovery Video)

This is a really good video explaining the ramifications of narcissistic abuse  in childhood and coming out of the FOG to seeing the truth.

My Journey from Child Abuse Recovery to Self Love (Jenna Video)