Victim Mentality Rant

It's really hard for me personally to allow other people to stay in the place of the victim, knowing all that I know and recently having pulled out another victim/resentment thorn out of my own psyche. This process was painful. It took the help of a professional. One thing about me though, is I REALLY WANT TO BE WELL. I REALLY WANT TO BE HEALED. So, I receive information and help from others. I am very non-resistant to psychological help. I do not defend myself whenever someone tells me that I'm shaming myself or behaving like a victim. I trust that information, if it's someone I trust. I allow that person to speak into my life and help me to see areas that I need to work on.

Not everyone is ready for healing. Not everyone is ready for growth. Not everyone is ready to move beyond the stage of the victim and onto the stage of VICTORY over the past. If you want to be ready, you have to give up your old position of resentment and helplessness. You have to receive information about yourself that is uncomfortable. You have to take accountability and mature emotionally. This is difficult, but once you set aside your defenses and receive the information, you can make changes within yourself for the better.

You don't want to hang around a bunch of people who will feed into your victim behavior. You want people who have grown beyond it and will confront victim mentality and help you see reality more realistically. You want people to challenge you, and you want to be tough enough to take it. You have to be ready to heal. You have to take the punches and face up to the fact that you are imperfect and there are things you think and do that are impeding your own progress. Don't hang around people who will support victim mentality and coddle it. Hang around people who will point it out and help you get rid of that sh---.

Now that I know Victim Mentality so well (because I've seen it in myself and others), it really bugs me. I see it clearly. I want to help the whole world. I want everyone to see that it is the victim mentality that is holding them/us back, not the actual problem. It's all in your head. It's all about your own self defeating beliefs.

But I am not the savior of the world. That is part of recovery too. It is not my job to "fix" everyone. I can only fix myself. I can guide, I can share, but ultimately, people are not paying me to be a therapist. I do all I do for free.

And there is a place for sharing and being who you are and wallowing in victim mentality. There truly is. In CoDA meetings, you can go and be yourself and share your misery. But in my group, I am growing to a place of overcoming my past victim mentality and self-shaming behaviors. I see them clearly and I will point them out if I see them in others. The healing I've gained from having others point out victim mentality to me has changed my life.

But I have to hold myself back from helping others outside of this group, and in my daily life. That's part of maturity. That's part of letting people fix their own lives. That's part of letting people own their own process. I am only responsible for me. It's not my job to inform other people about their victim behavior, etc... Even though to me it now sounds like fingernails on a chalk board.
WE ARE NOT VICTIMS!!! WE HAVE POWER OVER OUR LIVES!!!



 Comments: 

B: I'm starting to think that getting past this victim mentality requires us to become our own hero, to save ourselves. And to know we can't save others, only influence them. Thanks for this post its going to keep me going for a bit. I am so done with victim mentality and shame!

Me: That is where I am right now, M--- and I feel so powerful. All my old thoughts and feelings are being covered in power statements like never before. I had to work hard to get here, and work through a lot of pain, grief, blocked emotions. But today, I am high on a mountain and I can see the summit and it's beautiful and I am powerful. We all are.

Unconditional Self Love Melts Toxic Shame

This post is a collection of musings from my posts in my private Facebook group: SelfLoveU. 

Codependency is the absence of unconditional love and acceptance for self, an illness causing one to be dependent on external sources of approval in order to conditionally love oneself. This leads to people pleasing, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, addiction to sources of betrayal, etc... It is the seeking of external conditions to solve the riddle outside oneself, a riddle that can only be solved within by the power of unconditional self love. You are okay just as you are. It is okay to be human. It is okay to make mistakes. Unconditional love is the core of your beingness waiting patiently for you to own it.

Toxic energy that is pent up inside is released when it is confronted with unconditional love. Toxic shame is bred in conditional love, causing one to see flaws in self as life threatening (childlike thinking patterns). This birthing brings forth the false self, which is toxic shame and the root of codependency. The false self is built on lies. The false self is based on thinking patterns that cause one to try to earn worth, love, value by being right in the eyes of others. When this liar (the Inner Critic) is confronted with the truth--that you are loved in spite of your humanity, the false self fades. Unconditional love towards the self in your thought processes sets your authentic self free. You can relax, trust and let go.

It is self love to protect yourself with boundaries. Unconditional love does not imply open borders. Only by setting firm, but flexible boundaries can you protect the truth that is inside and love yourself unconditionally (align with source withing) and love others without judgment (as much as humanly possible). None are perfect, but all are loved is the ideal. That is the essence of unconditional love, that is, loving despite imperfections... it is not the allowing of boundary violations (which is unloving towards self).

Comparison is bred in conditional self hatred. Thinking you are better or less than others is toxic shame. Seeing yourself as equal, without volatile worth when outsiders are impressed or pleased, will soothe the inner conditions you set in effort to earn externally what can only come from inside.

How to Stop Shaming Yourself | Dismantling the Inner Critic

7 Ways to Be a True Friend to Your TRUE SELF

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. If you want to draw and attract healthy, good solid relationships into your life, then you must first create a healthy, good, solid relationship with your TRUE SELF.

Please note, I'm not talking about the FALSE SELF which seeks validation through external means such as looks, money, unsatisfying relationships, social climbing, fame or material gains. I'm talking about your True Self which endures beneath all the fake stuff. I'm talking about your True Self, which holds the key to life and freedom; the doorway out of the illusion of happiness (unreachable fantasy)... to the reality of true peace and well being.

1. Take time to be alone.

If you Love Yourself and want the best for you, then you must take time with yourself. Spending quality time with yourself, and allowing you to just "be" who you are--whatever that may be... even if it's painful, depressing, sad or happy or glad. Taking time to be there for you with no one else around is crucial. Not being able to be alone with yourself is a sign that you haven't discovered how beautiful you are, and can skew your ability to be there for others, keeping you from equal, healthy relationships.

The reverse is true, if you tend to isolate, then it's important for you to start taking risks and allow your true self to be seen around safe people. CODA Meetings are a great way to start doing this if you have any nearby.  

2. Protect yourself from the Inner Critic's shaming statements.

The Inner Critic is formed from the messages you received from not getting your dependency needs met as a child. A child has no boundaries and receives all unmet dependency needs as messages-- whether intended or not from caretakers--as messages of his or her worthlessness. These messages form the inner critic that stays with the person until it is dismounted and reparented in adulthood through soul work. In order to have a good relationship with yourself, you have to do soul work which will protect your Inner Critic from harming your true self. Books to help you with this process include, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw and "Soul without Shame" by Byron Brown.

3. Reparent your inner child.

You have to reconnect and take notice of your inner child. If you have trouble being there for yourself and getting into negative, painful relationships, or avoiding closeness altogether, then it is evident that you are abandoning your inner child (as you were conditioned to do by no fault of your own). We learn to hide, criticize, abuse our inner child for the rest of our lives. Our inner child goes into hiding as a way to survive, but it never goes away. As an adult, if you want to heal your relationship with yourself, and thereby heal your relationship to others, to God and to life, then you must meet your sweet, innocent, precious inner child face to face. This can be done through therapy, meditation, guided imagery, visualization, journaling, art and sleeping with a Teddy Bear. :)

4.  Get in touch with your real feelings.

Getting in touch with your real feelings involves going deeper than you are right now to figure out what you're really feeling inside. When I first started understanding this concept, I was shocked to discover that I had no idea how I really felt. I may have been angry with someone, but felt depressed and paralyzed to take action. I may have felt sad, but focused on being a workaholic instead. I may have been afraid, but drank alcohol to soothe my fears. For many years I turned to Christianity to hide from how I really felt. Getting in touch with your real feelings involves naming how you're really feeling so you can reconcile yourself with yourself. Remember, there are 6 basic feelings, Anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, surprise. Try staying congruent with yourself and getting to your core feelings. A therapist can help you with this process.

5. Listen to yourself to determine your needs.

This was a hard one for me. Learning to listen to yourself in order to determine the true need. I never knew what a need was, or that I had a right to have any needs. When I was little I was shamed for my needs, so access to the messaging system in my psyche that I have a specific need was lost along the way. Thankfully you can get the knowledge back and learn the language of your own intuition, your own needs. Your needs express themselves in a variety of ways, from thoughts, to feelings to body sensations. Learning the language of your own needs is crucial to being your own best friend. I can't tell you the relief I've felt when I finally recognized a need of my True Self and was able to meet that need. Whew! It is worth the effort to figure this out.

6. Meet your own emotional needs.

Meeting your own emotional needs involves recognizing your needs in the first place. Taking action to meet your actual needs rather than running to your nearest addiction is a huge step towards befriending your true self. Meeting your own emotional needs is not easy in the beginning because you may have been blocked from getting your needs met for so long; however, it is possible to get some relief by meeting your own needs today. Meet your own emotional needs by taking action, getting out of the house, positive affirmations, visualization, tending to your inner child, making friends with someone safe, allowing some gray area. Just being there for you, sitting with your pain, sharing your pain with your counselor. This deserves it's own article.

 7. Take action on your behalf.

Every time you take action to heal, to be alone with yourself, to relate to safe others, to take care of your physical body, to journal, to get in touch with your needs, to meet your needs--every time you do anything for yourself, you are opening the way for your TRUE SELF to come out and shine. Any time you TAKE ACTION to meet your own emotional needs, to take care of yourself, you are being a friend to your True Self. Taking care of you paves the way for loving relationships with yourself, with others, with the universe and with life. Every time you answer the call of your own heart to be there instead of rushing to the nearest external source of validation, you are being a friend to yourself and allowing your True Self to come into the light where you belong.

Your TRUE SELF has likely gone into hiding, especially in our culture today which is based on the notion that people are sinful and need to be punished. Generations before have passed along a legacy of toxic shame and self hatred. We have been raised to be unconscious and self-harming. We've paid a huge price for the ignorance of our parents and our parent's, parents, et al. This abandonment of the true self has led to addictions such as workaholism, alcoholism, sex addiction, love addiction, gambling addiction, internet addiction, porn addiction and a number of other serious assaults to the true self and to true feelings of aliveness. If we are to combat the pain of self annihilation through healing, we must begin by finding our true selves and being our own best friend.

The benefits are endless.

Shaming Should Statements

Shaming Should Statements:

• I should have gotten up and left.
• I should have said something to her.
• I should make more money.
• I should keep my car cleaner.
• I should organize my make-up.
• I should have stood up for myself.
• I should have set a boundary.

Better ways of self-talk...

- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.

- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.

- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.

- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.

- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.

- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.

- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.

Toxic Shame is Self Blame

Toxic shame is the result of childhood abuse in the most important formative years, between the ages of 0 to 7. Toxic shame is the residue of neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Toxic shame is what comes in place of love, trust, security, peace and contentment. Toxic shame is, in effect, a child and later adult blaming herself.

Toxic shame never goes away. It fills the holes left behind from unmet childhood developmental needs. The little human takes all the blame from the abusive adult, primary caregiver especially.

A child cannot bare to know that its caretakers are abusive or wrong in anyway, because their brains and psyche's aren't formed yet.  Instead of seeing things clearly a child's mind automatically takes the blame for every bad thing done to it and subconsciously HATES HIMSELF FOR IT. So, the child not only hurts from the abuse itself and lack of needs being met, but the child also takes on the shame of the caretakers and blames themselves for everything. This is very hard on the mind, however, it's better than crashing the harddrive. This process allows the child to mature, while repressing the truth of what's really happening to a later date, when, hopefully, the adult can handle it better. The truth, that is.

This toxic shame is like a green gunk haze over the lives of the survivor / adult. It colors everything in a negative light. You see yourself in some present-day situations as if there was something horribly wrong with you, because you're triggered back to this place of toxic shame. You feel like you're to blame, it's all your fault, and like you're supposed to fix everything, control everything...

You do anything to rid yourself of the pain of toxic shame, seek external sources of approval, relationship addiction, toxic relationships, drugs, drinking, gambling, obsessions and the like.

But there is nothing that fills the gap. The only thing that heals toxic shame is recognizing it, facing the truth, grieving your losses and meeting yourself with loving compassion. You have to show the child inside your heart the truth once and for all.

You can be healed from toxic shame. You can feel better in all areas of your life; don't settle for less. Get the help and healing you need.

Releasing Shame: Shame Falls Off in Stages

Shame falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. It reminds me of the coating on an m&m that starts cracking when you become aware of it. Become aware of shame by being mindful of your own body, thoughts, feelings, impulses. Start to categorize every impulse and feeling like this:

- sad

- angry

- happy

- content

- peaceful

- disturbed

- awkward

- comfortable

Then start tracking the negative emotion you feel. Then start looking at that negative emotion, the patterns of when you feel that way. As you know yourself, you begin to see your shame emerge.

Start dealing with little shame first, and the spiral will lead you to bigger shame. Just keep digging. Get all that toxic shit out. Face it, feel it, express it. Get to the truth.

The shame holds lies and is perpetuated by lies that you're not good enough. Shame is a feeling that occurs when you're feeling less than who you really are. Shame is caused by lies. Any time you feel it, you can know that the core belief underneath is a lie.

The shame protects you when you're young to bond with abusive caretakers, however, it kills all relationships for you as an adult and renders you powerless and weak to exploitation by other abusers. 

When you do release the shame, and see it for what it is--lies, stupid, ignorant lies.  That is the best feeling in the world!!! You will know it when it falls off, you will feel like you've been reborn. It falls off in stages, like literal skin being shed. 

It's like no other high I've ever felt. 

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....