Counterfeit Love

What is counterfeit love? This term captured me as I was reading quotes from one of my favorite psychology authors, John Bradshaw posted on this article. I know what counterfeit love is, I know it all too well.

There are two kinds of love, real love and false love--just like there is your true self and your false self. False love produces the false self and true love produces the true self in others. Those who are accustomed to being loved for who they really are, and validated as children are more able to function in their true and natural state in adulthood. Unfortunately, those who were loved wrongly--and for the wrong reasons--develop a false self that covers and hides the true self with toxic shame.

So what is the difference? I know I've written about it before... the difference is that false love is love that may look like love, but isn't really love at all. False love is about being loved for being what someone else wants, needs or expects you to be--not, however, for being who you really are. True love is being loved for who you really are, even when that means you are not pleasing and complying.

True Love - Loving another for who they are, even when they are disappointing or make mistakes. Loving that person in their reality, as they experience life without trying to mold them, manipulate them, shape them and form them into anything other than who they are. True love is about receiving acceptance, validation and compassion for another as they unfold in their own way without expecting them to meet your needs or serve as an extension of your will and desires. True love is love that gives space and grace to the other, offering room for mistakes and all manner of vulnerability. This is true love. True love feels good; freeing; within true love we can grow and become all that we were born to become on this planet.

False Love - False love is being told directly or indirectly that who you really are is unacceptable, shameful, bad or wrong. It's being conditioned to believe that you must please the love object in order to GET love. It is a sense that you don't know who you are, you don't know what's best for you. False love teaches that your own experiences and reality are questionable, and that you should disregard your own gut and follow the whims of the one who is in control. False love is about power and control, manipulation, greed. It's about making the person into what is needed by the parent or lover instead of allowing the person to simply be who they are created to be.

If you've grown up in an environment that is less-than-nurturing, then you may not have ever in your life experienced true love. In fact, you may be operating out of your FALSE SELF without any inkling of who you really are. This False Self is a self that is a people pleaser which is always trying to seek validation externally. The False Self is at the core of narcissism, and at the other end of the same plane--it is at the core of codependency. (Codependency & narcissism being polar opposites on the same vibrational level). The False Self is fake and portrays itself as perfect, however, in reality it holds the ultimate flaw. The false self can never be satisfied and is forever relegated to the prison of addiction: sex, gambling, alcohol, relationships, love, shopping, eating, electronics--name your poison.

The False Self is narcissism. It's the part of us all that our culture is rabidly cultivating with imagery and idealism that can never deliver on its promises. The False Self craves the perfect body, the perfect home, the perfect career, perfect family, cars, vacations. All of these things promise to fulfill, but leave the core of the person--the true self starving for truth...

The True Self is truth. It doesn't give a shit about the kind of car you drive. It doesn't care if you eat spaghetti and wear a size 7. The True Self doesn't parade itself because it's not searching for anything because it already knows it is loved. It is impossible to function as the true self unless you know the truth of who you are--which is love. True love exactly as you are without outward adornments. You are love and there is nothing you can do to add to that fact, or take it away. This is the true self.

So we must keep the right perspective as we go about our lives and label and identify false premises from which we are living our lives. Any lies we believe will produce more of the false self... the feeling of toxic shame that we are inherently flawed, not good enough, wrong, bad. If we don't keep ourselves in check, we will feel ashamed and guilty for being who we are, and continue to try to cover up our shame by more purchases, more addictions or worse--suicide.

We must remind ourselves who we really are, every moment of the day. We must combat the voices that tell us we're not good enough. We must reparent ourselves and provide ourselves with true love and empathy for the inner child within that has been squashed and forgotten beneath layers and layers of falsity--of someone else's opinion of who we should be. We must curb our greed for material items which lie to us and promise the world but fail to deliver. We must stop making the mistake of believing that anything outside ourselves can add to or take away from our precious existence.

There is no other way.

True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.

Notes:

Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.







 

Taking the Leap from False Love to Real Love

Just as there is such a thing as a real self and a false self, there is real love and false love. Your real self is who you really are, without any molding your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to earn love. Your real self is spontaneous, alive and vibrant. A false self is created when you're focus is outside of yourself. When you're living for the approval of others, changing to be what you think others want you to be; not being true to you, rigid and false.

Real love is when you love without control, when your aim is giving instead of taking, unconditional. Real love is when you're accepted just as you are, imperfections and all. False love is when you desire make others love you, to control their thoughts, to be perfect enough to earn love and to be found worthy.

If you live from a false self, which is rooted in perfectionism and people pleasing, all you can do is take from others. The false self has nothing to offer but false love. What a sad place to be! You fear losing the approval of others because you wrongly believe your worth is wrapped up in what others think.

Living from your real self, which is rooted in unconditional acceptance, you're not afraid to lose the love of others because your self worth does not depend on any outside source. You do not engage in people pleasing behaviors because you have confidence in your own worth. You are rooted in grounded within your own heart. You trust your own voice and know that you are worthwhile. You are able to share this real love with others in your life out of the abundance of what is already inside of you.

You don't have to change who you are in order to be loved.
You are lovable just as you are...
Your expressions are uniquely you, and you are fine the way you are.
You are beautiful inside and out.
You are enough.
You don't have to add on to you anything else.
You don't have to overcompensate.
You are not deficit.
You are abundantly abundant, a radiant light of truth.
You are okay.

You don't need people in your life who try to change you.
You don't need people in your life who convey that who you are is not enough.
You don't need people in your life to watch your performance.
You don't need anyone who loves you falsely.
You don't need anyone who places conditions on you for acceptance.

Practice being who you really are.

Get out of your comfort zone and express your truth and share your reality. Go against the grain of who and how everyone around you--including society--prefers that you be. Be you--really BE YOU. It may be scary at first. You will get better with practice.

Center yourself inside. Get to know who you really are and how you really feel. Take your energy ad focus inside instead of outside. They can never do for you what you need done. You are in charge of determining your own worth, peace, happiness and joy. Get to know your heart. Give yourself the attention you deserve. Begin to accept yourself for who you are and express yourself openly. Make a pact with yourself that you will no longer adapt to earn love. You are lovely and wanted. You have what it takes.

Taking the leap from your false self to your real self, and to real love from false love is a giant process. It requires discipline and persistence. It hurts sometimes. Not everyone accepts you and that can be painful. But you don't need them anyway. If you are not loved for who you are, then you're not loved at all. Don't worry, you grow stronger as you take risks, letting your real self shine though little-by-little. Give yourself a break.

You will make mistakes along the way... You may deny your real self since that's what you've been trained to do. (At least you're noticing!) You may become confused as to what is the real you and what is not you... It takes work to untangle your feelings. You may not even know yet where you stop and they begin. It takes courage to face the original pain that caused you to build a false self in the beginning. Do not give up! Keep fighting! Keep digging out of the hole. Your real self is down there, deep inside... Let it out! Let yourself SHINE!

Learn to bare with the pain and not run away. You will not die. Every time you face your fears of losing love for being who you are, and you choose your own side, you grow stronger.

You are worthy of love just the way you are, flaws and all. Set boundaries around yourself with others that honor your unique self. Remove people from your life who expect you to be perfect. Set boundaries with those operating from a false self and giving you false love. Break the pattern of performance. Love yourself for who you are and require that others do the same.

Be mindful of what you're giving and receiving. Take notes of your thoughts. Keep a journal. Find supporters. Read books. Peruse blogs. Commit to finding out and expressing who you truly are...

This is the essence of Self Love. You had it in you all along. ❤