Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You

One of the most difficult things about being abused by a malignant narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that the person never really loved you or even cared about you at all. Even though this is difficult, it is something you must face courageously, as thinking that they have real feelings will only lead you into a trap. It is only when you face the truth that you can get out of the trap, no matter how hard the truth is to accept.

Idealization / Discard

When you're in love with a malignant narcissist, you are not in love with a real person; you're in love with the illusion that the narcissist created for you. The narcissist puts on a front and acts like everything you want and need them to be until--SURPRISE!!! The narcissist gets you where he or she wants you, then changes into a completely different person... cold, dismissive, hateful, mean, deceitful and unloving. It is quite shocking. It knocks you off balance. This is precisely what the narcissist wants. It is during the "discard" stage that the narcissist starts taking the narcissistic supply that he or she has been grooming you to give.

The narcissist will set you up. Make you think he or she is everything you want, then drop you like a piece of trash. This is well documented all over the internet. I recommend you look it up because I am not going to explain it in detail here... I'm going to talk about how to deal with it instead.

This is called the sweet/mean cycle, or technically, intermittent reinforcement. This is a manipulative tactic that the narcissist performs instinctively, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing what they're doing. Some narcissists are blatant about it, other narcissists show their mean cycle covertly, subtly so that you can barely tell what's going on, but you know you feel awful.

Intermittent reinforcement does a number on you psychologically. You never know if the person is going to be an asshole, or nice to you. This process causes addiction to set in, just like a slot machine. You literally become addicted to putting a coin in the narcissists slot to see what you're going to get back. Unfortunately, there is no jackpot. You will always, always, always lose... until you learn to let go and forget about them.

All the while you thought your dreams were coming true, but in reality, you were being groomed to give attention to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes everything you want so that you will pine for him or her long after their gone. Your begging, pining, longing and inability to let go feeds the narcissist like a shot of heroin feeds the addict. 

• No, the narcissist doesn't care how you feel.
• No, the narcissist doesn't feel badly for what he or she did to you.
• No, the narcissist doesn't think about you and your good times together.
• No, the narcissist is not impressed by how good you look.
• No, the narcissist is not thinking about you.
• No, the narcissist does not feel guilty.

What does the narcissist feel about you once you're in the discard stage? Ha. It's not pretty...

• This feels good that he or she is calling me and begging me to care.
• I can't believe this weakling really thought someone as great as me would want to be with him.
• Ha ha ha, she's calling again. I'm so glad I have something she wants. I'm not giving it to her.
• I can't wait to meet another man... in fact, there's a man right there.
• Who? I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
• This feels good that someone I think is a piece of shit is calling me all the time. I'm so wonderful.
• I've got him where I want him.  

Allow Yourself to Feel

When the narcissist hurts you and leaves you, you must allow yourself to feel the sadness. Move through the sadness by allowing yourself to express it. Then, nurture yourself through the process, reminding yourself that the person does not know how to love, cannot treat you right and that the person is bad for you. Dangerous for you. It's important to feel and express your feelings--but NEVER to the narcissist. Sharing how you feel with the narcissist is like feeding a shark blood. It will make them happy and it will make them despise you all the more. Share with a therapist or a trusted friend. Allow yourself to grieve your loss... loving yourself the whole way.

The Vampire is Back!

Now, sometimes it gets confusing because the Narcissist may come back to you. This is because the narcissist always returns to their victims to reopen the wound and seek more secondary narcissistic supply. Rest assured, the narc already has another man or woman on the side that he or she is grooming, but just coming back to you to get you whirling around again in their trap. This process can go on for years. In order to protect yourself, you've got to quit believing that the narcissist thinks like you, has a heart like you, and really cares like you. You have to take care of yourself and let go of the black hole of a heart that is the narcissist.

Evil. Pure evil. It's a travesty to love for someone to use your love like a knife against you.  I'm sorry if you're going through this. I know how badly it hurts, but you've got to be strong and let go. Walk away and never, ever, ever look back. I want to talk about how to take care of yourself when this happens. The first thing you must do when you realize you're in love with a narcissist who has discarded you is to realize that the person you thought cared about you doesn't really exist. It is in facing this fact that you can begin to see things as they are. Face reality as soon as you can. No matter how bad it hurts, once you face this fact, it becomes easier every day to let go.

It's hard to believe that someone who was so perfect and awesome to you... someone who seemed to worship the ground you walked on... someone who was so compatible, giving, loving, caring... someone who showed you in so many ways that they truly needed and cared for you... that this person no longer feels like this. I know how hard it is to face that the person you thought you knew is gone. He never really existed.

She only became who you needed to win you over. She faked her display of feelings for you. She mirrored you in order to get into your heart. She has no feelings other than feelings for herself. She is incapable of love, incapable of empathy. She has no guilt, remorse or feelings for you AT ALL. All you are to the narcissist is an object to be used. All you are to the narcissist is a tub of narcissistic supply. Someone to whine and cry and want her back. She doesn't feel for you when you are in pain. In fact, the malignant narcissist actually enjoys hurting you. Every time you hurt and share your hurt with her, she gets a self-esteem boost. She is sadistic, evil and off to her next victim while you're left in shock, hurting, pining and longing for what you had. It's so hurtful! There is nothing you can do.

All you can do is let go and let go now. The sooner you face the truth, the sooner you can let go and begin to protect yourself from falling for a narcissist in the future. Read my article 5 Steps for Protecting Yourself Against Narcissists.

True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.

Notes:

Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.







 

Real Love vs. False Love

I've also previously written about false love verses real love. False love is conditioned upon you or the other person doing what you want them to be and doing what you want them to do. False love is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love respects individual feelings, thoughts and perceptions. False love is the attempt to impose ones reality onto another. A very common example of acting out of false love is when a child falls on the ground and the parent, instead of soothing the child's pain, instead smiles like it never happened.

The parent would likely consider his or her actions as helping the child to overcome obstacles quickly, when in fact, the act of ignoring the pain the child is going through is damaging to the soul. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts and perceptions instead of trying to make what someone else experiences what you want it to be. It's more comfortable for the parent if the child smiles instead of cries, thus he or she invalidates the child by denying the child the freedom of expressing his or her pain both physical and/or emotional.

Without realizing it, we love falsely when we don't accept people for who they are. When we try to get them to smile when they are sad, we could--not always, but often, we could be invalidating their reality. It's healthy to accept others as they are, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Pain is not always fun. Many times we want to avoid it and be joyous instead, but this is detrimental to your emotional health. Painful emotions never go away. Your e-motions are energy that will stay stuck in your emotional being and even your physical body until released. Learn more about the topic in my previous article: Healing Frozen Emotions.