Codependence Recovery: Discovering Your Own Values

5 Ways to Detach

While we're on the subject of Codependency and Detachment, I thought I'd write an article to help myself and you, my reader, in detaching from anything and everything necessary to live a happy, full and complete life. Let's start by making a list of things we may need to detach from as we venture on this journey of healing and recovery.

We may need to detach from any of the following: (Add your own too!!!)

• The opinions of other people in reference to our right to have and express our own individual needs.
• The opinions of other people relative to our behaviors, reactions, decisions within our relationships.
• The opinions of others regarding what we need in our relationships.
• The opinions of others regarding whom we should spend time with or not.
• The opinions of others regarding choices we make to attend certain events or not.
• The opinions of others regarding our healing journey.
• The opinions of others regarding our personal rights.
• The opinions of others regarding our enthusiasm and vibrancy.
• The opinions of others regarding how we live.
• The opinions of others regarding our needs in relationship and connection.
• The drama that other people bait us to engage in.
• The games people want us to play. 

5 Ways to Detach

1. Detach as a Mental Meditation

Just like the meditation practice of letting thoughts go by like clouds, you can detach from the opinions of others by letting them go. Don't judge yourself for caring about what the person thinks, has said or is saying, but rather, notice the thoughts and feelings, and just allow them to be there. Let these feelings or ruminations pass overhead in the sky like so many clouds. Watch the opinions of others pass you by. That feels good just writing it! #deepbreath #sigh

 2. Detach Emotionally

There are some things that can be known in the mind, but that don't quite penetrate the emotional part of us, our Inner Child. Detaching emotionally may require a few different things, such as expressing your feelings about the situation, talking to a safe friend, writing, journaling, doing art or doing some form of movement such as yoga, karate or dance. Maybe singing is your thing? Whatever it is, allow your inner child to express his or her feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness (sometimes it's lonely to stand up to others and not seek agreement from loved ones). Allow your Inner Child to let go in his or her time, all the while allowing your Healthy Adult Self to gently lead the way.

3. Detach by Self Validation

Validating yourself is a way of reparenting yourself using positive affirmations, self talk and I AM statements. Validating yourself is the process of telling yourself that "it's okay to let go." or perhaps, "That person is lashing out because of what's going on inside of them, don't take it personally." or "Your needs are valid. You have a right to need what you need regardless of what that lady thinks." or "Way to go! You just validated your need and asserted a boundary. You rock!" Self validation is about underscoring your own truth just like a healthy parent would.

4. Detach by Distraction

So often when we're addicted to people pleasing or getting the approval of others, we become almost obsessed to getting the consensus of those who are important to us. One way to override the obsessive rumination and fear of not pleasing others is to distract yourself with some other activity. Perhaps you can exercise, call a friend, go shopping or practice visualization techniques. Whatever it takes to get your mind off the person or people from whom you are detaching.

5. Detach by Your Higher Power

Admit to your Higher Power that you are powerless to the desire to get everyone to agree with you, to like you, to be pleased with you. Release this need to your Higher Power by doing a Step 1 and reciting the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."Your higher power will carry you through... God is stronger than your habit of people pleasing, fixing and rescuing others.


These are all healthy ways to detach from the drama and unhealthy, toxic behaviors of yourself and others. The more we detach from unhealthy relating, the more free we will be to allow good, nourishing people and experiences into our lives.

Here's to YOU. :)

Standing In Your Own Column of Light

Someone once told me to "stand in my own column of light" in reference to a relationship issue I was having at the time. This phrase stuck with me and I've expanded the concept to assist me in healing from codependent thought patterns and relationship habits. I'm using the concept of STANDING IN MY OWN COLUMN OF LIGHT to define the separation process required to self differentiate and become my own person. I'll be using this term a lot in future videos and articles.

Standing in your own column of light, is an analogy that I'm using to describe the process of recovering from codependency and relational enmeshment. Caring too much. Loving too much. Living for others. Seeking external validation. The process of tearing yourself away from codependent attachments, enmeshments and toxic caretaking and rescuing of others.

When you are raised in a less-than-nurturing environment, you are not able to develop a full, mature and self supplying identity. Your identity becomes toxic-bound to your caretakers and the child ends up becoming either narcissistic or codependent depending on the level of abuse, dysfunction, neglect and/or abandonment by the primary caretaker. Neither type of person can maintain their own "column of light," or stand on their own, be their own person without the support of external validation. 5 Ways to Detach.

In simple terms, the narcissist depends on narcissistic supply from others to maintain self esteem, whereas the codependent depends on giving narcissistic supply to others to maintain self esteem. Both narcissists and codependents have a problem with being themselves, nurturing themselves, protecting themselves and functioning without external validation.

Healing from the enmeshment of is necessary if you want to become your own person. Which means, healing from being dependent on the approval of others, and healing from the need to control others and make them like you, and healing from the need to feel responsible for other people at the expense of self.

This to me is the healing that is required if you wish to stand in your own column of light. You have to let go of attachments to things outside of self, and learn to get your emotional supplies from within. This means, you have to help yourself to attach to your higher self, or higher power within, and you have to learn to operate completely from self--with or without the need of the approval or validation of others. 

DETACHMENT

Your Own Column of Light
is held in place
by healthy detachment. 

The only way to stand in your own column of light and be your own person is through the process of healthy detachment. As a codependent, we take too much responsibility for the feelings of others, and we try to control the opinions that other people have of us. We try to earn love by pleasing others since we, as codependents don't feel worthy of love in and of ourselves. We do all sorts of unhealthy things as codependents, like trying to control other people with our own caring and then resenting them for not caring back. We try to get our personal supplies externally through the approval of others. We try to get other people to make our decisions for us. We try to get other people to do the heavy-lifting in our lives, then turn around and resent them for it. We must learn healthy detachment.

Part of the healing process is what I'm going to call detaching from the "Caring Attachment." You must detach from unhealthy attachments if you want to be your own person and stand in your own column of light. By attachment, I mean CARING. Part of the healing process involves NOT CARING as much as you did before about things that are outside of your own Column of Light. You must learn to recognize where these unhealthy caring attachments are in your relationships with yourself and others.

Example of Unhealthy Caring Attachments

• Caring about what other people think about your life's decisions. 
• Caring about someone so much that you ignore the fact they're abusive towards you.
• Caring about someone who is totally and completely disregarding you.
• Caring about how you look to the extent that you avoid being social with others. 
• Caring about someone who is ignoring your basic human relationship needs. 
• Caring about someone who does not respect your boundaries. 
• Caring about someone and sacrificing for someone who is rude and disrespectful to you. 
• Caring what someone else thinks about your personal relationship choices. 
• Caring what someone says about your body, mind, possessions and making adjustments accordingly.

 There is nothing wrong with having compassion. There is nothing wrong with empathy. However, there is something very wrong about caring--caring to the extent that you make decisions relative to your caring for others that are detrimental to yourself.

As a recovering codependent, it is so easy for me to relate to this caring attachment. My family of origin was highly codependent and they all cared about each other way too much. I was taught to put others before myself. I was taught that it was selfish to think of myself first, and that it was noble to put others before me. I was taught this by my parents, by society, by the church. No where in my upbringing was I taught to care about myself first. However, unless you learn to loosen your care and concern for others, you are doomed to cave in on yourself.  Just like you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to save anyone else, you need to put yourself first, and care about yourself first before you can care about others.


This means that you detach from caring about people and people's opinions and attach to your own thoughts and feelings that are relevant for your life. This is a difficult task, especially if you've been taught that your needs should always come last. If you've been taught that you should care about what everyone thinks over what you think, then it's time for you to LET GO and CATCH YOURSELF. It's time to detach from giving so much care at the expense of yourself.

This is one way to stand in your own column of light. Just DETACH.

• Detach from ruminating about the opinions of others.
• Detach from trying to please someone who keeps changing their mind about your life.
• Detach from making everyone else happy but yourself.
• Detach from giving a rip about what other people think about your lifestyle.
• Detach from trying to make other people love you.
• Detach from trying to impress others.
• Detach from trying to prove yourself to anyone.
• Detach from pleasing other people.  
• Detach from caring, from giving and from using your over-love to make up for your own perceived flaws. 

 
This is a really difficult concept to convey. I hope I've done it justice. In my heart, I feel a tearing. A tearing, like a tearing of flesh, but more in the emotional realm. I feel an emotional tearing away of my attachments to people, places and things. I feel myself separating, becoming a single person--yet a part of the whole, someone who is gradually re-learning how to think for myself and care more about my own opinions, values, judgments than I do about any others. It's not fun, but I'm making progress. I hope this helps you too.

COMMENTS:

Елена Никешичева Hard to write but excellent! For me it's very useful to remember that fear and attachment are related in the amygdala. That's why it is so difficult not to help, not to please, not to resque. I did it to survive. And now I mustn't do it to live as a normal human.

Danielle Excellent article. Although I am not Buddhist I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and the art of non attachment. No doubt I have a negative/anxious attachment style so even the thought of non attachment makes me a little nervous but I feel such peace within myself when I just let go of outcomes and mindfully practice non attachment. Thx for sharing

103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 

1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
51. Codependents do not know themselves.
52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
    
78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.

Shame Attacks by the Inner Critic

The Inner Critic is an internalized version of your IMAGO, in other words, an introject of all the negative messages you received as a child. The Inner Critic is your Super Ego, which is in place to keep you in line. As a child this Inner Critic was formed out of the voice of your primary caretakers towards you. If your caretakers were mean, abusive, abandoning and rejecting, then you have a very strong Inner Critic inside your that is filling you with toxic shame and impeding on your life in a major way. It's like that abusive person or people live inside you today, no matter how long it has been. This is how our minds develop. It is true that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.

This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:

• Keep you striving for external sources of validation.
• Keep you striving to be perfect.
• Keep you trying to obtain  love from abusive sources like you had to do in childhood. 
• Keep your true self from emerging because your true self and true feelings were shamed into hiding when you were a child.
• Keep you in line so you won't be abused anymore and so you keep getting conditional love. 
• Keep the Fantasy Bond alive between you and your primary caretaker and any other relationships formed after this model.

Ways the Inner Critic Shows Up

The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.

• When you feel worthless, the Inner Critic is behind the scenes subconsciously telling you why you're worthless. (ie: you are a failure, you're overweight, you're a pig, you're stupid, you're an idiot, you're unlovable, etc...)
•  When you look at yourself in the mirror, the Inner Critic is the voice inside you that says, your posture is not perfect, you have chicken legs, you are ugly, no one will ever want to be seen with you...
• When you get into your car, the Inner Critic is the voice that says things such as: You're a loser because your breaks are squeaking, your car is dirty, why are you always such a mess? 
• When you cook dinner, it's the Inner Critic that says, why don't you give up, you know you can't cook, what an idiot you are! You forgot the salsa, your cooking stinks, and you suck.
• When you're getting into a new relationship, it's the Inner Critic that says, No one will ever want you, you're not hot enough for that girl, she is going to see the real you and run, you have nothing to offer.
• When you're going on a job interview, the Inner Critic is the one that tells you you're going to fail, makes you feel anxious and spill the coffee on your tie. 

The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance. 

Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic

1. Reparent yourself with positive self talk that incorporates unconditional love and self acceptance. 
2. Argue / answer the Inner Critic using logic.
3. Use logic to convince your Inner Child that the Inner Critic is wrong. 
4. Remind your Inner Child that you are safe, that it is 2016 and that you have resources you didn't have as a child that you can use today.
5. Tell the Inner Critic to "Shut the F up."
6. Take up for yourself against the Inner Critic.
7. Use insight and inner awareness to recognize the places the Inner Critic hides so you can meet it using your adult intellect. 

Here are ways to talk yourself through shame attacks by the inner critic:

• Remind yourself that you have worth and value regardless of your mistakes.
• Gently talk to yourself in a kind, compassionate and self accepting way.
• Make positive affirmations on a daily basis about who you truly are.
• Catch the Inner Critic in the act and begin to separate the Real You from the False Self.
• Use art therapy to draw out the different facets of the Inner Critic in your life.
• Use anchoring techniques to anchor good, positive thoughts and feelings in place of the old, painful and negative thoughts and feelings of the IC.
• Re-arrange your memories of past abuse by imagining scenarios that workout in your favor.
• Get the help of an expert therapist to help you dismantle the IC.
• Write down all your self critical thoughts so you know what they are; answer these thoughts with the truth that you are worthy and valuable even though your car is dirty.
• Keep a journal of your negative thoughts so you know what you're dealing with.
• Do mirror work where you overcome the negative, self-defeating thought patterns about yourself with positive thoughts and feelings. 
• Practice meditative techniques to let thoughts pass you by without dwelling on them.
• Use thought stopping techniques to stop thinking those awful thoughts or to deal with it later. 

The Inner Critic is not your friend. It does not make you better. You are a better person when you love yourself unconditionally, when you're not shaming yourself but instead you are encouraging yourself that you are good enough. The truth is, the IC is outmoded. You don't need it anymore. You needed this introject in place as a child growing up in an abusive, harsh environment, but you don't need it today--in fact, today it causes you undue pain and hardship. The only way to get free of the pain of the IC is to dismantle it and love yourself unconditionally. 

Codependence

 

Codependence is a way of adapting to a childhood where your needs are unmet. It is the state of emotional immaturity. There is a lot of confusion about what it means to be codependent. You either are or you're not. You aren't codependent with one person and not with another. 

Admitting that you're codependent is the first step to healing. Owning up to your part in the drama triangle is required for healing. Blaming other people for your responses and reactions is the pathway to bondage. You have to stand up and own your own reactions and admit that you are part of the codependent dance... and also that your thinking patterns are codependent in that you try to get your worth externally. 

Just like a narc is always a narc, a codependent is always a codependent, until he or she gets healing. The narc is harder to heal because they don't admit they have a problem. The codependent who refuses to come out of denial is also on a rough road to healing. Recovery is about facing reality. You can only heal by letting down your defenses, facing the truth and seeing your own problem--and taking action to improve your own responses, behaviors, thought patterns and relationship choices. 

Codependence is about trying to get your worth externally. See this article 100 Traits of the Codependent.

Narcissists Hook You with Your Unmet Needs - Covert Abuse

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit

The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

Also, sign up to receive notifications for new posts in the column on the right.

This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.

6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.

7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.

14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?

*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

Narcissist Scams Codependent (Repost Video)

Let Go of Control

One of life's greatest challenges is reaching the place where you know, with your whole being, that Spirit is supporting and guiding you toward the highest good of your soul. When you know this, you finally let go of control - you let go and let God. This is challenging because the ego wounded self does not want to let go of control, and will take every opportunity to undermine your knowingness. Awareness of this inner battle is essential to healing.

~ InnerBonding

A codependent person is one who has a need to control everything and everyone around them. Codependency is a disease that is fostered by our society. Underlying the maladaption is the belief that you can't trust life; that you can't trust anything... that you must work hard to make people like you, to hide who you really are, to keep from getting hurt. The internal message of codependency is that you are not enough--you must do a bunch of extra stuff to get your needs met. What happens is you end up with a tangled mess. It makes a person indirect, controlling and manipulative.

I used to be a controlling type of person. I didn't think I was. It didn't seem like I was controlling. Back then I thought controlling was when you tell other people what to do, but that's not always the best sign of a controlling person. A controlling person can be passive or outright. It's all about how you view your effectiveness in life. Whether you believe you are enough just being you, or that you are inherently flawed.

Examples of Codependent Control

• Removing a friend from your life because your crush thinks she's pretty.
• Buying a friend expensive gifts, giving them stuff or paying for everything.
• Talking behind someone's back about an offense rather than confronting directly.
• Settling for a guy you don't respect in order to be in a relationship.
• Spending time scheming to prevent some connection from happening between others.
• Denying your own need to be respected by hiding some truth about yourself.
• Being friends with someone you don't like in order to get near another person.
• Spending energy concocting ways to get another person to like you. 
• Having an agenda of any kind in relationship.
• Being friends with someone to learn secrets to advance yourself. 
• Enabling a drug addict or alcoholic in their addiction.
• Playing the martyr.  
• Being upset when someone doesn't like you or isn't into you.
• Hanging onto someone who is not hanging onto you.
• Being in love with an unavailable person. 
• Hiding who you really are out of fear others won't like you.
• Not liking another person because he or she is friends with someone you don't like.
• Trying to get your girlfriends or mate not to like someone because you don't like them. 
• Sacrificing your values to make money or advance yourself socially. 
• Excluding others from your life out of fear that he/she may take what's yours.
• Being suspicious of the motives of others.
• Thinking that the world is out to get you so you better "get yours" however you can. 
• Punishing someone to get them way they're supposed to act.
• Acting fake in order to fit into a group.
• Pretending not to like another person just to fit in.
• Not telling your hair stylist that you dislike your color so as not to make her upset. 
• Feeling worthless because another person doesn't recognize your fabulousness. 
• Spending too much time worrying about how another person feels when you've set a boundary for yourself.
• Doing things to make people like you.

What are some other ways of controlling behavior? Manipulation? How have you used these tactics to control outcomes in your life? How have others used these tactics to control you?

REALITY CHECK: You can't control anybody or anything. Thinking that you can is mere delusion.


Today I am healed from the bulk of my codependency issues. Along with the healing has come a naturalness and beingness that is more spontaneous and less fake. I do things today in real time instead of out of a false self or wounded ego self that's trying to hide who I really am. Today I know that I cannot control outcomes and anything I can control is not something I want anyway. My worth doesn't come from other people and what other people do is none of my business.

Loving yourself involves light, easy action that ebbs and flows spontaneously in the moment; it doesn't cling tightly to anything outside, but simply enjoys all that comes and goes. Loving yourself means that you accept reality for what it is, and you trust yourself to handle all that happens with grace, class and finesse. You know that everything in life is for your highest good. You go with the flow. You no longer need to hang onto people, places or things in order to give yourself value.

Facing the fact that I was actually controlling and manipulative was hard. Nobody wants to admit that about themselves. But like Dr. Margaret says above, letting go of control is essential to healing. You don't have to orchestrate situations. Just live spontaneously. Let go and let God. 

Fear or Love?

"Notice if your feelings & actions are coming from thoughts of fear or of love."
~ Dr. Margaret Paul 

If your actions are coming from a place of fear, then examine closely. you are likely feeling the need to control the perception that other people have of you. If you're operating from a place of fear, you are like an empty void, sucking up all that is around you. Fear is a place of need, a place of emptiness, hopelessness and insecurity. What are you afraid of? Examine:

• Afraid the truth will come out that you are not worthy of love, that you are not enough?
• Afraid that your relationship will end because there is no way you can ever be happy?
• Afraid that your loved one will leave you?
• Afraid you will be exposed in your weakness?

And if any of these fears form the core of your thoughts and feelings, you will have distinctly different actions and interactions than if you come from a place of love. What's more, you will likely end up getting the very thing you feared--rejection from the other person. This is because fear breeds rejection. Fear is the ultimate rejection of self; it is a lack of faith in your own efficacy in life. Fear breeds what it tries to hedge.

Fear Takes

Another issue alluded to above is the need to control. When you are in fear, instead of operating out of the purity and wholeness of love, you end up trying to control outcomes. This control takes on various manipulative forms. This control wreaks havoc on your relationships because it is indirect, non-authentic and a mask of who you really are and how you really feel. A person who is in fear may pretend to be super-strong, get super-angry, withdraw and/or hold affection. Fear causes you to engage indirectly, and may cause you to seek reassurance in those around you--the black hole effect.

Love Gives

But when you come from a place of love, it is a different story. Love offers up itself in truth and beauty. Love is not trying to GET anything in return--I learned this from Dr. Margaret Paul's teachings. Love doesn't need approval, doesn't need to make excuses for itself, doesn't need anything. Love is the opposite of fear because fear takes but love gives. Fear hides but love uncovers.

The key is being mindful during your interactions. Asking the right questions at the right moments can help you figure out where you're heart is and allow you to adjust your positioning in order to protect your precious relationships. Remember: Love builds, encourages and gives; fear destroys, rejects and takes.

Which will you choose this day?
 

Jenna R.