Glossing Over Disrespect

When you are prone to entertaining narcissistic behavior in others, you are a people pleaser, a doormat, or any version of the same, you are probably used to glossing over disrespect in your close personal relationships. It comes with the territory.

GLOSSING OVER DISRESPECT

Here is an example of a typical narcissist / empath interaction:

STEP 1. Toxic disrespect. 

This is where the narcissist, codependent or otherwise toxic person disrespects your personal boundaries. The toxic encounter is one in which the toxic person tries to use you as an extension of themselves by doing things, displaying behavior that shows blatant disregard for your feelings, rights, limits and boundaries. Examples include:

• Criticizing you.
• Giving you unwarranted advice.
• Talking about a subject that is unpleasant in attempt to make you feel negative.
• When a friend or acquaintance reprimands your child in your presence.
• Your parent did something abusive to you repeatedly in childhood. 
• Any abusive behavior.
• Talks about a subject you do not wish to discuss.
• Continues behavior toward you that you have requested they stop doing.
• Tries to talk you into doing something you don't want to do.
• Talks behind your back.
• Talks down to you.
• Brags to you.
• Makes a promise repeatedly, then lets you down.
• Betrays you in any way.
• Brings up your private secrets in public.
• Makes a post on social media of a photo of you that you asked them not to post.  

STEP 2. You Get Upset / Hurt / Angry

The next part of this toxic interaction is when you get upset due to the actions and behaviors of the toxic person. You are upset because your boundaries have been violated. Your anger and disdain is warranted--that's what this emotion is for; to tell you when you are being crossed or hurt. 

STEP 3. You Set a Limit 

Next, you let the person know you are not okay with their behavior. You may ask them to stop. You may ask them to apologize, you may set a limit or a boundary. You let the toxic person know loudly and clearly that this behavior is intolerable. 

STEP 4. The Narcissist Stonewalls You

The toxic person doesn't want to discuss the issue! The toxic person does not want to hear anything you have to say. As far as the toxic person is concerned, YOU are wrong for being angry at them for hurting you. (See how twisted?!?!) The toxic person stonewalls you for daring to challenge their sense of entitlement. 

They feel entitled to act in a way that harms you--they feel entitled to commit personal fouls toward you. In the mind of a toxic person, you have zero rights.  Your only role in their life is to serve as a pleasing mirror, or a fawning doormat. Any reflection that you are individual, different or separate is unacceptable to the toxic person, narcissist or psychopath. 

You're just not allowed to have your own feelings. Your own feelings are so offensive to the toxic person, they feel abused when you are angry or hurt from their actions!

Some narcissists will covertly stonewall you--not letting you know they are doing it by still being available, or acting remorseful, but not actually feeling what they are portraying. This is a special kind of narcissist, that is of the most hidden type. 

STEP 5. You Try to Repair the Relationship 

Feeling fearful, obligated or guilty (FOG), you decide to make steps to re-engage with the abusive person. Maybe you are fearful you will never find a lover so good, or a friend so fun, or maybe you're afraid of living life without being close to your mother, father, extended family. Maybe you feel socially obligated to be a nice person, or maybe YOU actually believe the gaslighting of the narcissist and think that you are the actual problem...

Maybe you reacted so strongly, that you are blaming yourself for the entire ordeal. Maybe you are questioning your own rights to set limits. Maybe you had a conversation with another unhealed empathy and he or she told you to repair the relationship. Maybe you felt lonely, guilty, or just felt a void from the person missing in your life--so you take the first step to repair the relationship, or you accept the abuser's attempt to repair the relationship with you. After all, that's what friendship is all about! Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later...

STEP 6. You Don't Deal with the Original Issue

Now you move on, happy-go-lucky, but you never did resolve the original issue. You never came to terms with the narcissist about your right to exist, your right to matter, your right to have feelings, your right to set boundaries. 

As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is 100% okay to disrespect you. You never dealt with the issue. You never called them out directly after your first signal of anger--instead, you chose the higher road and chose to remain friends, or lovers, or family... 

You move on! You feel better! At least you have a friend. At least you have a lover. At least you have a family. Why not let "bygones be bygones?" After all, it is much better to be with a toxic person that to not be with anyone at all. Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later... 

STEP 7. You Have Signed An Unspoken Contract to Be Less Than 

When your emotions signal that a person is disrespecting you and you let them know, and they ignore you, and then you remain friends without getting square on the original issue that caused your negative emotion, and you do not stand up for yourself, you are signaling socially that you are an underling.

If you are an empath, you know in your heart that there is no true underling, and you will gladly do what it takes to serve and love and get along. However, to the narcissist, your agreement to be an underling puts you in a less than position. It states the following:

• You do not have the right to call-out the narcissist. 
• Your feelings do not matter.
• Your needs to be seen, heard and understood go out the window.
• You do not exist. 
• You must put-up or shut up. 

You may think things have moved on, but things will never be the same. Once the narcissist has put you in a headlock and you continue to go along with the relationship, you are officially a puppet. You have agreed to be less than.

You may not realize this is happening because you are playing by different rules than the narcissist. You may allow this to happen subconsciously. You may allow this to happen because you are unaware of the dynamics of healthy relationships. You may allow this to happen because you were taught to accept this behavior in relationship and don't know of any other way. Whatever the reason that you go into this unspoken contract, you are in it whenever you allow a person back into your life without dealing with your own personal discomfort that resulted from their unrepentant behavior. 

Results of the Process of Glossing Over Disrespect 

I think I'll stop this process at 7 because I really like the number 7, and I will continue with the topic of Glossing Over Disrespect with discussing what happens when you allow disrespect to be glossed over in your relationships. You become a pUpPeT. Here's what happens:

1. You become controlled by the person who is able to be one-up above you.
2. Your relationship is officially unequal. 
3. Your needs come second to the needs of the abusive person.  
4. Your future interactions with this person become one sided.
5. You no longer have an identity in the relationship.
6. You agree to become an extension of the abusive person.
7. You agree that it is okay for you to be hurt and disrespected. 
8. You stay in relationships that are abusive, toxic and unhealthy for you. 
9. You forfeit your rights in exchange for a relationship with someone who plays a superior role. 
10. You lose your voice, your right to say no or set boundaries. 

You may think you are better off allowing the abusive person back in your life. You may think life is better with this person rather than being alone, but what you don't realize, is that this toxic pattern is a lesson for you to learn. There are better ways of being and relating that do not require you to give up yourself and be a doormat. There are more effective ways of living on the planet with other humans than becoming a puppet who is controlled and externally validated. 

How You Become Controlled When You Gloss Over Disrespect

The narcissist dynamic is all about power and control--it is not about real love, authenticity, truth and respect. A toxic relationship is one in which you are controlled. When you fail to stand up for your rights and you continue to tango with an abusive person, you are giving up your power and control to this person and they are taking it. This is what is referred to as narcissistic supply. The narcissist loves empaths who are willing to give themselves up in response to their entitled demands.

If you can't stand up for yourself because you have an unspoken agreement with the narcissist that you don't exist, then you have given yourself over to the narcissist. If you don't exist, then you must ask the narcissist's permission to exist and are slowly whittled away into less than you ever thought possible.

Moral of this article? Stand up for yourself. Stay away from toxic people. When you learn how healthy relationships work and steer clear of toxic relationships, your life will be happier, and it will be worth the pain and loneliness of moving away from abuse. Good luck! 

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit

The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

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This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.

6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.

7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.

14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?

*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

How to Know If You're Being Disregarded

Messages are sent and received during your interactions with others. The interactions you have with others, good or bad, send messages to your psyche that either validates, affirms, accepts and values your existence, or invalidates, questions, rejects and devalues who you are. It is your job as guardian of your own soul to ensure that you are being treated well by those around you so that you can grow to your full potential and live a peaceful, healthy life inside and out.

Only The Disregarded Care About Disregard

There are many who say that it is only those who feel less-than that are concerned with how they are regarded by others, and if that's the case, okay. I'll admit it. As an adult Child Abuse Survivor, I've had my moments of feeling lower than the rest of the world. My goal here is not to inspire you to be a weirdo checking to make sure everyone around you regards you rightly, but more, to help you discover ways you may be allowing yourself to be put in a subservient position without knowing it. Awareness is always better than being in the dark.

Relationships Fill or Deplete

We are all intricately connected through relationship. We need relationships with others to meet our emotional needs. The relationships that we have in our lives are either healthy and life-giving, or toxic and life-taking. People in our lives either support us by lifting us up and affirming our reality or not. Toxic relationships tear us down, exploit our energy, seek to control us, and may cause us to question our identity and worth. The quality of the connections we have with others greatly affects our overall well being.

Even small encounters with people you barely know end up sending messages to you about who you are and where you stand in the world. If you want to know the signals you're giving out, look at the way people are treating you. You train others how to treat you. 

Whether you feel valuable as a person or not reflects in your relationships because your relationships are a reflection of your own value towards yourself. If you want to know how you value yourself, take a look at how others treat you. They are following your lead, for the most part. Of course, there is the occasional creep, but I'm talking about the people who sustain you.

Messages About Self Worth

The messages we received growing up are the messages that form our self perception. If we were devalued as children, we will continue that pattern as adults by devaluing ourselves and letting others devalue us too. We simply don't know any other way. If we were devalued as children, we were "conditioned" to be devalued and expect to be treated badly, even if allowing such treatment is hurtful. Poor treatment becomes normal to those who are abused as children.

If you are not taught to protect yourself as a child against the adults who raise you, then you are inadequately prepared for the harsh realities of the world. If you were not valued as a child and treated with respect, then you are ill-prepared to face the world and its obstacles. When you come from an abusive upbringing, whether it was the fault of your parents or not, it can be very difficult for you to know who you are.

You can only perceive yourself rightly when you are raised in a respectful and loving environment. If you don't know your worth and value, your life can be very difficult and painful. You may blame yourself for situations that are not your fault, and you will likely be filled with shame for being yourself.

Pain is a Messenger

When you feel badly, hurt, sad or depressed, it all comes from the root of your own opinion of yourself deep, deep, deep down in your subconscious. Further, if you question your value as a person, chances are you have allowed other people into your inner-world who do not affirm your preciousness.
 
Pain serves as a signal to your mind that you have been wronged in some way, that something is amiss. It does not mean that you are bad or inherently flawed. It simply means that some aspect of your thinking or relating is damaging your soul. It's important to listen to the message that your pain is sending you. Pain is the catalyst to growth. It is only when you listen to your pain that you can solve the dilemma and grow as a person, mature emotionally and feel better.

We must become keenly attuned to our pain, the pinpricks of our heart in order to accurately gauge the worthiness not of ourselves, but of our interactions. If we've lived our lives avoiding pain, stuffing hurts down so as to make others happy (learned from improper childhood conditioning), we may not have immediate and direct access to the emotional triggers that signal improper treatment. It is only by becoming aware of our internal world, and understand our rights as human beings on this planet that we can begin to recognize when damage is taking place and take immediate steps to protect ourselves.

An example of this is a child who is taught to be nice to her abusers. A child is not going to argue with an adult, of course, as the adult is terrifying to her. Her very life hangs in the balance. She feels her survival depends on compliance. A child psychologically idealizes her caretakers, putting them on a pedestal. An abusive person who seeks power and control may exploit their power over the mind of the child. What happens is the child learns to mold herself around the needs and wishes of the abuser. As she gets older, she never loses that life schema, but continues to treat abusive people like they're better than her.

If we experienced maltreatment growing up, we may have a hard time recognizing it today. Some disregard of our person by others may pass by unnoticed unless it is blatant. While we may not be consciously aware of all the devaluation that takes place, subconsciously our mind records every misstep. We are constantly gauging our worth and value to others and to ourselves during our social interactions, and in our own minds in the form of self talk.

Now that you're an adult, you have responsibility for yourself. You are no longer a child, no longer at the mercy of your parents. You are now capable of making positive changes in your life, and setting boundaries against improper treatment. Understanding this truth is empowering. Depending on the level of devaluation that you received as a child, it may be hard to value yourself and recognize poor treatment. That means you may have to learn to value yourself manually since it will not come naturally to you. This is a very difficult process, but it is possible to learn how to love and value yourself and recognize improper treatment--IF you're willing to do the work of healing and unraveling the lies that keep you abandoning yourself and engaging in toxic relationships.