25 Ways to Stop Caring About a Hurtful Person

 This article contains healing crystals of understanding that I've gained along the way. It's hard to let go of narcissistic, hurtful, exploitative and abusive people, especially when you were raised in an abusive environment. We feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and wrong. The truth is, we are NOT HOPELESS. We can CHOOSE today to let go of hurtful people and embrace ourselves. There is a lot of value inside of you that you may be spewing / projecting onto a hurtful person. This list is about how to stop doing that. Love to you. Enjoy! Also, see these Affirmations for Over Empathizing

1. Every time you think good thoughts about that abusive person, remind yourself of how they are not good for you.
2. When you find yourself feeling concerned for a person who has treated you poorly and has chosen not to stop or respect your boundaries, remind yourself that you are better than that.
3. Build a relationship with yourself inside yourself that is between your wise, parental part and your lower, more vulnerable child part.
4. Treat your inner child with love and respect so you will become immediately aware when you're being mistreated. Awareness is a huge piece of it. 
5. Protect your inner child, vulnerable, trusting part with your strong, wise, intelligent, healed inner adult.
6. Make yourself bigger and other people smaller in your own minds eye.
7. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize when your vulnerable inner child is seeking approval from people who are abusive, mean and exploitive. 
8. Reparent your inner child by reminding yourself that you are a valuable, worthy being who deserves love and respect.
9. Remind your inner child that you do not need the outside person who is hurtful to you.
10. Remind your inner child of other things you can do besides focusing on a hurtful person.
11. Remind your inner child that it doesn't matter what other people think of your decision to be strong and protect yourself.
12. Remind your inner child that you are an adult and you are strong and you can protect yourself.
13. Remind your inner child that you are no longer little, but that you are an adult now and you have resources to protect yourself and stand up to hurtful people.
14. Remind yourself that you do not need this hurtful person in your life, and that the hurtful person's opinions, thoughts have nothing to do with you.
15. Remind yourself that you are better off without the hurtful person.
16. Distract yourself by focusing on something that is beneficial to you, rather than focusing on the hurtful person.
17. Give yourself a break if you happen to forget and slip up and allow the hurtful person access back into your life. Don't shame yourself for making mistakes. You are growing, you will get there.
18. Set boundaries with unhealthy people. 
19. Work on your internal self-talk. Listen to what you are saying to yourself about you and this hurtful person. Create mantras and affirmations that affirm your worth and that help you to remember that you are more valuable to you than this outside person.
20. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the abuse this hurtful person has inflicted upon you.
21. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the guilt you feel for letting the abusive person go.
22. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the responsibility you feel for care taking someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 
23. Affirm yourself whenever you take action to stop hurtful people from damaging you.
24. Affirm yourself with positive mantras constantly whenever you hear the internal critic shaming you for protecting yourself from hurtful others.
25. Remind yourself that you are not responsible to take care of the needs of hurtful people. You are free to detach and take care of you.

Now, take a moment to sit down and journal about this list. Think about how you are allowing a hurtful person access to your vulnerable inner child. Think about the items on this list that resound to your heart. Think of your weak areas. Think of your strong areas. What are some things you can do to strengthen parts of yourself listed above so that you can start taking better care of yourself and keep bad people out-of-your life? Journal, journal, journal... Talk to a safe other. That's how you do it. That is the process for learning your worth and value. You can do it!!! I have faith in you. 

Feelings of Worthlessness Reflect How You Were Treated

Chronic feelings of worthlessness do not reflect who you are, it reflects how you were treated as a child. You feel how you were treated in your source relationships, not who you are. When we were treated poorly as children, we internalize the abuse as a way to stay bonded to our caretakers and to survive. We feel it is our fault, we take the blame and become codependent as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of knowing our caretakers are incapable and do not love us. It's as simple as that. When you feel worthless, it is a reflection of how you were treated when your identity was being formed in childhood. The truth is, you are worthy. How others treat you does not make you bad; it makes their actions bad towards you. The real you underneath is as valuable as ever.

It is only by externalizing the internalized negative attitudes and projections of the original source relationships that we can heal and see the truth that we were innocent then, and are innocent now. It was not our fault that we were treated as worthless. It was not our fault that we were devalued. It was not our fault that we were neglected, ignored or abandoned. It was not our fault that we were beaten, shamed and abused. None of these actions were our fault, but we took everything on as if it were... we had to think our caretakers were like gods in order to survive. If we wish to thrive as adults, then we must reverse the logic of our childlike thinking, and see that it wasn't a reflection on who we are. The actions of those who hurt us as children reflect the character of the abusers, not the character of us as innocent children.

Unraveling this line of thoughts is liberating to the adult. When we can finally see who we really were, then we can begin to love ourselves. When we realize that we are not worthless, but rather, worthy of everything we deserve, we can begin to set better boundaries and make better choices to protect ourselves from abuse today.

You are valuable. You are worthy. Every feeling of unworthiness you feel today is unwarranted. Your unworthy feelings are just a reflection of how someone you loved, trusted and depended on treated you as though you were a worthless piece of trash. No, it wasn't on purpose. Your caretaker had their own issues and passed those onto you. The truth is, you matter and you belong on this planet. You have the right to stand up and take ownership of your humanity. You have a right to exist and be happy.

Narcissists Hook You with Your Unmet Needs - Covert Abuse

Quotes for Abuse Survivors & Abuse Recovery

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.” 

 ― Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals 

“In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is wonderful. It leads to increased intimacy and closer bonds. When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest. In an abusive system, vulnerability is dangerous. It’s considered a weakness, which acts as an invitation for more mistreatment. Abusive people feel a surge of power when they discover a weakness. They exploit it, using it to gain more power. Crying or complaining confirms that they’ve poked you in the right spot.” 

 ― Christina Enevoldsen, The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal 

“To deny someone‟s feelings or experiences it to literally deny their reality.” 

― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers 

“Because we were treated neglectfully and abusively in our young years—when we most needed self-love to be mirrored—it was difficult to hold onto…We take up the challenge of learning to love ourselves, through our highs & our lows, when we are finding acceptance from others and when we are being closed out and rejected.” 

 ― Maureen Brady, Beyond Survival: A Writing Journey for Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse 

“If someone is inconsiderate or rude to you, risk telling them how it made you feel or that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way. If you tend to talk yourself out of anger by telling yourself that you don’t want to make waves, try telling yourself instead that it is okay to make waves sometimes and risk letting people know how you really feel.”

― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself 

“As you recover, you will find yourself letting go of many of your negative beliefs. You will discover that many of the so-called truths you were raised with and forced to believe are not truths at all. With this perspective, you will come to see, for example, that the names you were called as a child are simply not true. You are not ‘stupid,’ ‘lazy,’ ‘ugly,’ or a ‘liar’. You can discover just who you really are. You can let go of your pretenses and masks and discover who the real person is underneath.”

― Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence 

“To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence.” 

― Andrei Lankov 

“I think this point is so important, I'm going to repeat it: You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.” 

― Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life 

 “when a child is ridiculed, shamed, hurt or ignored when she experiences and expresses a legitimate dependency need, she will later be inclined to attach those same affective tones to her dependency. Thus, she will experience her own (and perhaps others’) dependency as ridiculous, shameful, painful, or denied. 

 - Dependency in the Treatment of complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders 2001 Authors: Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis” ― Kathy Steele 

“After a victim is made to participate in an act of evil, the people in charge put a lot of energy into convincing the child or adult that he or she is evil and a perpetrator rather than a victim.” 

― Alison Miller, Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse  

“so often victims end up unnecessarily prolonging their abuse because they buy into the notion that their abuser must be coming from a wounded place and that only patient love and tolerance (and lots of misguided therapy) will help them heal.” 

― George K. Simon 


“One of the first steps in freeing yourself from a gaslighting relationship, then, is to acknowledge how unpleasant and hurtful you find this Emotional Apocalypse. If you hate being yelled at, you have the right to insist that yelling not be a part of your disagreements. Maybe some other woman wouldn't mind the loud voice, but you do. If that makes you sensitive, so be it. You have the right to set limits where you want them, not where some mythical other, "less sensitive" woman wants them.” 

― Robin Stern

“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.” 

― George K. Simon


“LOVE is the greatest weapon for the ones who don't believe in it and for the ones who do its an emotional exploitation.” 

― Amit Abraham

“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.”

― Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing  

 “Mind control is built on lies and manipulation of attachment needs.

Valerie Sinason, (Forward)”
 
 ― Alison Miller, Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control 

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.” 

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source

There may not be any searches for this topic and I don't care. I'm doing this topic because it's important. Even if you don't think this is something you need to hear, listen to it anyway. There will be info that speaks to you if you open your heart, no matter what your life situation. Please share, leave comments and subscribe. Thanks!









How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 1 of 3
   

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 2 of 3

How to Stop Seeking Nurture from a Betrayal Source Part 3 of 3

Creeps Don't Matter. YOU DO.

2 FACED AGAINST SELF

This is NOT a fun post. Get ready...

LOVING someone actively who is not loving you is an act of SELF HATRED and shows lack of internal boundaries and childhood trauma.

Worrying about what other people think about you and your life and changing your truth to fit in is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and abandonment of self; a form of being 2-faced against self. It causes perpetual emotional wounding to occur unconsciously. This wound causes painful negative emotions to bubble up from the core (false core beliefs) that are the root of addictive behavior and a catalyst for traumatic bonding.

Letting someone who is abusive towards you in any way back into your life is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION and a form of being 2-faced against yourself. You must love yourself from the inside out and install internal boundaries to block yourself from seeking nurture from the betrayal source.

Reaching out to a hurtful p;erson as a source of nurture is Self Destructive.

Yearning and longing for a person who is abusive to you is a way of being 2-faced against yourself. (At war with yourself -- split)

Reaching out for someone who is abusive to you is like hitting your precious self.

Loving / longing for someone who is emotionally or physically abusive towards you is an act of internal violence against yourself. A form of self hatred.

Loving or longing for someone who is abusive towards you is a work against self... pushes healthy, real relationships away and replaces with safer, painful relationships that fit with your faulty programming.

Loving or longing for someone who is emotionally abusive towards you is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Taking responsibility for everything in a relationship that goes wrong and letting all of your boundaries be violated is complete ABANDONMENT OF SELF. The act of not setting boundaries keeps you in the perfect position to be traumatically bonded to the Perpetrator and keeps you from existing at all.

Reaching for someone who has betrayed your trust or shown you unkindness and disrespect is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Allowing others to disregard your boundaries is a form of SELF DESTRUCTION. You are saying...

"I do not exist."

"I do not matter."

Some of us were trained to exchange our very existence for conditional love. This is accomplished by failing to maintain boundaries both internally and externally with other people.

We fool ourselves into believing that this person is more important to us EVEN than we are to OUR OWN SELVES!!! Giving the other person precedence, we forget who we are and abandon our own needs, wants, desires, feelings and more.

We fault find ourselves to keep this abusive, conditional-love source active and engaged, providing us with a "fix" for our deeper emotional issue--that of abandoning our TRUE SELVES.

Giving up self to hold semblance of worthiness in eyes of others is SELF DESTRUCTIVE, self hatred, 2-faced, self abandonment. 

Performing for other people and living your life to please others is an act of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Creeps don't matter. YOU DO.

How to Let Go of Someone Who Is Abusing You

Zero Tolerance for Bad Behavior

One thing about me. I PUT UP WITH ZERO BAD BEHAVIOR from other people in my life. In all areas. I always have an escape hatch and I'll walk away from anyone, anything, any time and for any reason if I feel I am being abused, used, violated or disrespected. It wasn't easy to get here, but it surely feels good now that I am here. I don't care who it is... I don't care if you're the President of the United States or the cutest potential suitor who ever entered my life--I require that everyone in my presence respect me and respect my boundaries. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I cut-off people who are rude and disrespectful of my boundaries. If I find that they are sorry and willing to make amends and stop the bad behavior, then I will let them back in my life again, slowly. Everyone makes mistakes. 

But those people who abuse me using tactics such as triangulation, gas-lighting, silent treatment, alienation, baiting, bullying, drama, withdrawal, game playing, etc... These people are removed from my life without question. I say Buhbye. It is not hard because I have no tolerance for people who abuse me. Even if it's a client and I stand to lose $100,000. I will walk away in 2 seconds. NOTHING can make me stay in a situation where I am disrespected. NOTHING.

I listen to my gut and if my feelings feel as though I'm being disrespected or dragged into something that is not in my best interest, I bow out. No explanation is needed, though sometimes I'll speak my case. Sometimes it hurts like hell, especially if you adore the person, but no one is worth your SELF RESPECT. 

I can say that since I started this practice of eliminating the people who are hurting me from my life that my life has gotten increasingly better. LIKE WAYYYYYYYYY BETTER. Better than I could have ever imagined. Each person I cut out who was abusing me ended up bringing me joy times 100 in return. Cutting abusive, manipulative people out of your life makes your life worth living again.
Some of the hardest people to say bye to were family members, and to do that, I had to have the help of a therapist. However, the people who were hardest to say goodbye to made me stronger to say bye to the easy ones, like the client who keeps trying to belittle me, dangle the carrot of money in my face or put me in triangles.

GET INFORMED as to what abuse tactics are so you can cut people off who use it. Your life will be SO MUCH BETTER. I am living proof!!!

Breaking Free from the Narcissist

Dear Jenna, 

I've been in a relationship with a person who has NPD. At first I didn't know about NPD or if he had it but I observed him and figured it out. He was never there for me, not even the time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The problem is I'm emotionally attached to him and I'm an empath. He has just taken advantage of me in various ways and I've always given in. I want to break free but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to. He is still a mystery to me even after 2.5 years and I'm aware that he has cheated on me either by flirting with other women or by not letting me in completely in his life. His words never equal his actions but my addiction to him is like me being addicted to cigarettes. Want to leave but cannot. I'm in pain, Jenna. Please help.

I was there. You MUST get out. It can literally kill you. I had a heart attack due to all the abuse, etc... Take little steps each day, become aware, use your empathy on yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN get out. It's not easy. There is pain you must face, lies you must untangle. I'd say about 1 year of excruciating emotional pain is necessary as you discover the truth about why you're truly attached to someone who is abusing you.

The reason you love the narcissist is because you have yet to face some truths in your life. There are other people (parents maybe?) whom you have yet to realize were abusive to you and are potentially still abusing you. You love a narcissist when you are split from yourself. This split is akin to DID where you have multiple personalities and amnesia walls. These amnesia walls hide the truth from you because it's unbearable pain. In order to break free of this addiction to the narcissist, you must break down the amnesia walls and integrate your personality. You must face every lie, and face the truth no matter how painful.

This truth for me was that people in my life I thought loved me, in reality were stabbing me in the back and keeping me in a prison.

This narcissist addiction is in your life for a reason as a pointer to your healing. It is a call to come out of the fog and face the truth. I recommend reading Alice Miller's books and also to brace yourself to handle some deep secrets about who really loves you and who is stabbing you in the back.

Our current relationships are a repeat of our childhood patterns. You are not in love with the narc. You are trying to get your parent(s) to love you and projecting that loyalty onto the narc.

Hurtful People Are Not True Friends

It's one thing to keep friends together, but some friends are not worth keeping!!! It doesn't matter how long you've known a person. If you are continuously being hurt, invalidated, disrespected, smothered or ignored, then you need to get away--no question. Even if this person is a beloved family member, parent, child, sibling, you can't allow others to push you around, use and abuse you!!! You must draw boundaries to protect yourself!!! Set limits to keep toxic people, bullies, invalidators and narcissists away!!! You cannot change them. You can only change yourself, so stop trying to help them.

Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty, stupid or ashamed for walking away from a person who is hurting you is themselves TOXIC. Don't listen!!! They want you to stay the way you are for selfish reasons. They don't care about you or your feelings or your peace or your future. People who care so little for you that they would encourage you to be a doormat and keep hurtful people in your life are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Find people who SUPPORT YOU in your journey. Someone who loves you backs you up. Someone who loves you respects YOUR decisions to end relationships, take a step back or go No Contact. A true friend respects your decisions and encourages you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe. A true friend is on your side.

Instead of fighting these manipulators and defending yourself against their poisonous darts, put them at arms length. Give yourself more room to breathe. Life is so much more!!! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel!!! I promise!!!

REMEMBER: It is a PRIVILEGE to know you.

The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

 

 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’

Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to tell sometimes when you are dating one. Some narcissists are overt, others are covert and subtle. Some are extravagant, others are on the down low. Some are successful tyrants, others are low-level wannabes. Here is a list of potential signs that you are dating a narcissist:

1. They won't show weakness.
2. They are too good to be true.
3. They look perfect and everything about them seems perfect.
4. Their display of feelings for your pain seems contrived.
5. They are available any time you need them at first. 
6. They have a history of broken relationships.
7. They have big problems that make you want to help them.
8. They are constantly experiencing drama.
9. They talk about themselves in glamorous ways a lot.
10. They withdraw and use the silent treatment when you don't give them what they want.
11. They ignore boundaries.
12. They ignore your needs.
13. They are focused on how you look more than the real you.
14. They speed up the relationship.
15. They act like they love you without telling you, or they tell you they love you too quickly.
16. They make you the center of their world.
17. You feel obsessed about the relationship.
18. They are nice sometimes, standoffish and mean at other times.
19. He buys you elaborate gifts or makes elaborate promises.
20. They play games.
21. They play the victim.
22. They have a grand plan for a wonderful business they are starting that doesn't make sense.
23. They have a low grade job and try to make it sound exotic.
24. They blame others for their problems.
25. They do not take responsibility for their actions.
26. They focus on body parts as a way of turning you into an object.
27. They don't allow closure of the relationship. They want to keep you on the string.
28. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you confused and off-balance.
29. They invalidate you.
30. They give you the feeling that you are in some way inadequate.
31. They are vague about their intentions.
32. They don't answer questions directly.
33. They are controlling.
34. They try to make you feel guilty and obligated. 
35. They try have a string of lovers whom they've left.
36. You feel you have to make up for their inadequacies.
37. Whenever you have an issue, they have an issue that's worse. 
38. They have major problems in their life that they haven't been able to overcome.
39. You feel the need to hide parts of your true self.
40. You feel euphoric when you are with him or her. 
41. They shower you with attention and don't give you any flack about things you want at first.
42. Something is not quite right with this person.
43. This person is super-agreeable.
44. This person makes all your dreams come true.
45. You overlook red flags.
46. You feel like you're in a trance.
47. You stop doing things you used to enjoy doing. 
48. This person does things that confuse you.
49. This person has the relationship on their own terms.
50. This person asks you to send them photos of yourself via text. (Warning! User!)
51. This person makes comments like, "You are going to fall in love with me."
52. This person tells you that they got over their ex easily.
53. This person will usually talk badly about their exes.
54. This person may be very materialistic and into external show of status.
55. This person acts like they have everything going for them, while staying home and playing video games.
56. This person says they are doing things that don't make sense or are unrealistic. (Like earning 1 Million in commission on a deal they are working, or starting a major internet enterprise that will take over Facebook some day.)
57. This person will be focused on details about themselves and share it with you ad nauseum. 
58. This person may seem overly focused on you at first. Don't fall for it!
59. This person will either have been neglected as a child, or treated like a star (both are abusive and lead to narcissism).
60. Some narcissists will put you down and try to make you feel inferior. 
61. Some narcissists will use intermittent reinforcement early-on to make you feel insecure. 
62. The narcissist will not be willing to meet many of your needs. Only the bare essentials to keep you in the clouds--in what I call the "Narcissistic Trance."
63. You will need to make up for their inadequacies in some way... (Like they can't take you out because they haven't hit the big time yet with their internet company, so you'll have to stay home and eat sandwiches or pay for the date yourself.)
64. You may feel a desire to lend them money, clean their place, help them get their life on track.
65. For some reason you still feel like you love this person, even when they're being a jerk.
66. You find yourself making excuses for this person's inconsistencies. 
67. This person tells you who they are with little hints that you ignore. 
68. You have tunnel vision and believe this person is the last chance you will ever have to be loved.
69. You have magical thinking and believe you can change this person to be who you want.
70. This person is extremely attractive and he or she knows it.
71. This person spends an inordinate amount of time making themselves look good.
72. This person cares more about image than about substance. 
73. This person seems to take pleasure in saying things that are hurtful to you.
74. This person says often things to make you feel possessive or jealous.
75. This person acts one way one day and completely different the next day.
76. This person runs away whenever you start getting close.
77. You feel like this person is doing you a favor by being with you.
78. You feel like this person is too good for you.
79. This person makes comments that make you doubt your own truth and your own reality.
80. This person uses abuse tactics such as withholding, gas-lighting, invalidating, lying, mimicry, to get you off balance.
81. This person likely boasts about themselves alot.
82. This person cannot tolerate criticism. 
83. This person will kick you when you are down.
84. This person makes promises but does not deliver.
85. Makes you angry, then blames you for lashing out. 
86. Tells you that you're being "overly emotional" or "too sensitive."
87. Projects their negative attributes onto other people. 
88. Treats wait staff and other "underlings" like trash.
89. Talks badly about others and gossips frequently.
90. This person doesn't talk about feelings and won't share his or her feelings. 
91. This person creates an itch that you can never scratch.
92. Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
93. The narcissist refuses to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
94. This person may hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. They may also be big into fund raising or church / religion.
95. This person does not seem to respect, appreciate or have concern for your feelings.
96. A narcissist can take you or leave you.
97. A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them
98. Some narcissists will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
99. A narcissist will fish for compliments. 
100. A narcissist will drop you if you set boundaries, limits and assert your needs.

As we often say when pontificating about Assholes™, the great paradox of self-awareness is that those who worry most about whether they’re bothering other people mainly bother themselves, and those who don’t worry at all are a huge bother to anyone unlucky enough to cross their path. You can find a happy medium, however, by using reasonable tools for managing your social behavior, like keeping things friendly and superficial and pursuing goals you’ve defined for yourself. Trust in your own rules of etiquette, pursue your social goals, and you will find the sweet spot between obsessive and oblivious.

-Dr. Lastname

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Photo by Lennie Sparrow - Deviant Art

Narcissists feel like other people are an extension of themselves. This is why the narcissist tries to thwart the sense of self in his or her victim. It is easier to control and exploit one who has no boundaries. Generally, a person with no boundaries was raised by those who are narcissistic. A person with a strong sense of self has strong boundaries that render him or her immune to the narcissist.

Here are tactics that malignant narcissists uses to de-self their victims. Please note: Not all narcissists do everything on this list. Toxic people may only practice 1/2 of these abusive tactics. Some narcs are covert, others are more obvious. There are also different levels of narcissism from healthy narcissim to malignant narcissism.  

It is the malignant narcissist that hurts the most. These are people who have no empathy and who try to gain power and control over others. They have no feeling for anyone but themselves. The cannot love. They do not care about anyone. People in their lives are merely a source of narcissistic supply--objects to be exploited. Malignant narcissists will cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. These are sadistic people who enjoy hurting others and will do anything to maintain their image. These harmful people were likely abused as children either from neglect or over-indulgence. There is no cure for narcissism because most types of narcissists are too self inflated to admit he or she has a problem. Other types of narcissists may secretly believe they are healthy, even if they feign problems. It's all an act to get narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists get self esteem externally from the power that the steal from others. Narcissists feed off the attention of others. When a narcissist upsets you, he or she enjoys your anguish. When a narcissist tricks you and steals your power (if you don't have boundaries and if you're not grounded), the narcissist feels a rush of self esteem. These people are dangerous and cannot easily be cured so it's best to get away.

Invalidation - Disagreeing with one’s thoughts, feelings and/or beliefs. 

Mimicking - Mirroring your likes and behavior in effort to ingratiate themselves to you. This is part of the idealization phase, but can also continue after the narcissist has discarded you.

One-Upping - Trying to maintain a higher status and putting the victim beneath the narcissist.

Gas Lighting - This is an abuse tactic that makes the victim feel crazy.

Blaming - Blaming external sources for their internal mistakes. 

Psychological Attack - This sometimes blatant and other times subtle tactic causes the victim to become upset and need to defend herself. This defending then turns into an argument where the victim is blamed and is also caught up in the situation, thus taken off balance.

Minimizing - The narcissist will minimize the effect of their behavior or abuse.

Control Tactics - Using covert or overt measures to get the victim to do what the narcissist wants her to do.

Golden Handcuffs - Holding financial or other resources over the head of the victim to keep him in line.

Manipulation - Trying to control another person by using psychological methods such as providing selective information, lying, gaslighting, minimizing or other tactics on this list.

Lying - The narcissist and psychopath will lie easily to support their manipulations and achieve their desired result. When caught in a lie they will not back down.  

Planting Seeds - Trying to control you through the power of suggestion. (I made this one up myself.)

Comparison - Comparing you to others by making comments of their strengths in light of your weaknesses.

Pulling the Rug - Building up your expectations, then “pulling the rug out from under you.” Not giving what was implied or expected.

Idealization/Devaluation - Building you up, then tearing you down. Devaluation most often involves abandonment. The narcissist idealizes you, then discards you without a care.

Creating Triangles - The narcissist creates triangles by gossiping and/or sharing personal and private information with others that was given by the victim in confidence. Narcissists have elaborate ways of creating triangles and causing conflict between groups of people. The goal is to make the victim feel alienated and to garner support of others, which abuses the victim by proxy.

Isolation / Alienation - Manipulating the victim into believing that he or she is the only source for the person to turn to. Criticizing other people in the victim’s life to the extent that the victim believes that the narcissist is the only one of value that he or she can count on.

Subtle Ignoring - Sending the message that the victim is not worth listening to by ignoring… Checking phone while the victim is talking, not responding to texts, glossing over concerns.

What the narcissist wants is to control you and keep your focus on themselves. When you are off-balance and you’ve been kept off-balance for years, this keeps the narcissist in control of you. When you are out of touch with your truth, with your true needs and wants, you are very easy to manipulate and exploit.

The answer to these abusive tactics is to fortify your sense of self through a variety of means, such as:

• Getting in touch with your inner truth - Feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
• Awareness of who you are and what you want and need.
• Staying grounded in your own physical body.  
• Staying grounded in your own emotional truth.
• Calibrating your intuition. Learning to trust your gut.
• Understanding of an equal and reciprocal relationship.
• Setting boundaries and limits against manipulation and abusive behavior.
• Expecting reciprocation of needs to be met.
• Refusing to allow the narcissist to gloss over abuse in past or present.
• Avoiding abusive people.
• Confronting abusive behavior.
• Staying focused on your highest good.
• Dealing with your own feelings of shame, worthlessness, etc…

If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, then you are someone who needs to fortify your sense of self and create a more solid sense of who you are. Your identity can be shaken to the core by toxic people and it’s up to you to know who you are and define your own values. The key to surviving narcissistic abuse is to validate yourself and set boundaries against manipulation. You must also be willing to advocate for your own highest good and to get your needs met.

Good luck.

Those Who Harmed You Cannot Heal You

This is a really good post by Wounded Child Coaching. So good, in fact, that I decided to share it with you here. Take care, Jenna


"The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless."

Post by Wounded Child Coaching.

THOSE THAT HARMED YOU CANNOT HEAL YOU

Yet this is the justice that we long for in our souls: to be suddenly loved by those who abused us. We hold onto that hope. This is what we did as children. We forgave and forgave, always in the hope that this time, we would do the “right thing” to please our abuser so that we would be welcome and the abuse would stop.

Often, things got better for a while. We let our hopes up that finally we had done whatever manner of atonement required to be forgiven of what we knew not, so that we could be received with love and care and safety. Those times were short-lived. The abuse would resume with a vengeance, so we always lived with our guard up. The attacks would often be random, so we were always on edge.
Yet we kept going back to our abuser, hoping to be forgiven, hoping to be loved. We sought our healing through their acceptance. For most of us, that acceptance has never come.

The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless.
Yet even as adults, we still seek healing from them, and end up taking the same abuse from them in adulthood that we suffered as children. Only now it’s more subtle, and deeper into our minds and souls. The punishment is in words that we allow to pierce us. We allow it because we willingly step into range of our living abusers’ arrows.

We look to them to heal us, and they return fire with arrows that dig deeper than when we were children.

They cannot heal us. They are only capable of harm. We do not have to put ourselves in range of their arrows. We couldn’t be free from them when we were children, but we can be free from them now! They will do harm to us as long as they have breath in their lungs. They can be fathers, mothers, ex-spouses, and even one’s own children.

When we turn our backs on them, they will attack us with guilt and obligation. But we’ve never been malicious. We are guilty of nothing. To heal, we must walk away from them and no longer allow them to harm us.

We may take huge losses in doing so. I have taken mine, and it is the greatest loss of my life. I know the pain of malice, and of malice that follows you. I took my loss and moved towards healing. For to not take the loss, and to still bleed from it, I would never have healed.

We can choose to bleed from emotional wounds. Or we can choose to not be wounded.
We, as Wounded Children, have to reach that place where we seek our healing over and above all things, including relationships. We must choose to no longer go to have our wounds tended where we received them.

This is the message of Wounded Child Coaching. I tell the story of a “Journey” that everyone must take to heal. I call it the “Wounded Child’s Journey.” It takes you from the place of being a victim to a place of true thriving, a place of growth, peace and self-love

Visit http://woundedchildsjourney.com

Mindfulness Skills

What? - Mindfulness and DBT "What Skills"