How to Be Ignored In a Pseudo Conversation

Have you ever felt ignored by a friend, acquaintance or family member? Maybe they don't blatantly ignore you, but did you know--or realize--that there is a potential to be ignored even when someone is looking at you directly in the face and talking to you? YES! It is possible to be completely ignored, overlooked, avoided, even when you're sitting there talking with someone.

This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.

This can also be called "ear banging."

A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.

They only talk about themselves.

This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.

Does not ask follow-up questions.

This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.

Controls the conversation.

Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.

Attacking your statements. 

A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.

Affirms personal negativity.

Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.

Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.

We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.

Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...

• Talks only about themselves.
• Brags about themselves for long stretches of time. 
• Cuts you off when you bring something up about yourself.
• Diverts conversation back to themselves. 
• Encourages you to speak only when you say something negative or weak about yourself. 
• You can only get a word in when you are affirming them. 
• You feel like an audience to their life replay.
• Downplay your good news. 

Seek Out Conversations with People Who...

• Asking follow-up questions and listening to your answer.
• Talk about themselves, then listen to your reply and allow you to share about yourself.
• Talk back and forth with you.
• Allow for equal air time.
• Listen to your concerns.
• Seem genuine.
• Are happy for your success.
• Track your life occurrences that you share. 
• Remember details that you have shared.
• Validate you.
• Mirror your at the same level you mirror them. 

People who are not engaging with you in an equal manner are ignoring you. The reason they are ignoring you is because they think they are more important than you, and they don't think that you have the right to exist. They have no room in their mind for you, and thus cannot relate with you in a functional way. 

One Way vs. Two Way Conversations 

A one-way conversation is the type of conversation you have with a client. When you have a client, you are being paid to serve them. You listen to what they have to say without interjecting your own life experiences in order to give them what they've paid for--whether it be selling them a car, or coaching them on life. A client is paying you for your time, so listening to them in a one-way manner makes sense.

A two-way conversation is one where payment is made between the two people engaged in the conversation. As a part of the unspoken deal, when you are speaking with a functional person, your time, presence, affirmation is returned during the conversation itself (or among other conversations). Sometimes you may focus more on them, sometimes they may listen more to you--but at the end of the day, both parties are represented equally overall.

Don't Settle for Being Ignored

It is a core dependency need that each person has starting in childhood to be heard. It is vital that every person be heard and be seen and feel as though their thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions matter. When you are ignored as a child, you begin to feel invisible. 

You learn to accept being ignored in childhood. If your needs were ignored, if your authentic truth was ignored, then you will tolerate people who ignore you when you are an adult. You will not learn to have a "say" in relationships. The truth is, some people are incapable of relating with you; all they know is how to bulldoze you. They do not know how to intricately open space for you to be present, for you to express your truth, and for you to get your needs met. 

This means you may settle for people who cannot properly meet your adult needs in today's relationships. This is something you need to work on--to reprogram yourself and reparent yourself by listening to your need to be heard, and steering clear of relationships and conversations in which you are ignored--EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN THAT PERSON'S PRESENCE. 

Don't settle for that conversation!

Get up from the table when respect is not being served!

Go find people who have a seat for you!

Learn to be your true self around accepting others!

You deserve to be heard. 

Much love, 

Jenna 

Self Love: You Attract The Relationships You Need to Heal (Video)

Miserable Comforters vs. Healthy Support

Who do you turn to when you need a friend? A confidante? Encouragement? Love? The answer to this question is important for your life. Who you turn to for comfort makes a huge difference in the path you take and ultimately, your own self concept.

In the Book of Job in the Old Testament, Job is riddled with maladies. He loses his fortune, his family and his health. His wife betrays him. He is miserable. According to the story, God had given the devil free reign to test Job. Once he was covered in boils and sitting in exile, his so-called friends came along to help him out. These so called friends were quick to judge Job and give reasons as to why he was experiencing what he was experiencing, and what he should do to turn things around. Job called these folks "Miserable Comforters." It is a testament to the judgments of people who have no compassion or insight into the plight of another.

We are social beings. We all need to be comforted and supported by those around us. We are hardwired for connection. If we were raised in functional homes, then we likely have an internal working model of healthy external comfort. When we're feeling down, we have someone to turn to, and that someone will not use our weakness to try to control us or put us down. If, on the other hand, we were raised in homes that were dysfunctional, by parents who were also raised in less-than-nurturing environments, we may not know how to be comforted properly. We may be drawn to people who manipulate us when we turn to them for help, or those who use our misfortune to build their own weak sense of self.

The people in your midst are generally at your same level of psychological maturity. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you were not likely able to mature psychologically or emotionally. If you are immature or undeveloped, when you're an adult, you're likely to be attracted to people who are at your same level, or worse--you may be attracted to people who exploit those with lower-level functioning. This is what happened to me.

Along my healing journey, I found that as I grow, I also have to replace people in my life who used to comfort me with people who comfort me properly. Some of the people I turned to in the past supported my fragmented identity and my low self esteem. The truth is, who we turn to for comfort says much about our level of healing. The more healthy a person is, the less they need support, and the more adept they are at seeking out support that will gently support their authentic truth.

Here are the qualities you want to avoid in your external comforters:

• Tells you what to do. 
• Criticizes you.
• Shares your issues with other people.
• Reminds you of past mistakes.
• Reminds you of how bad things are.
• Tries to manipulate you and/or exploit you.
• Gloats in your weakness.
• Tells you to "get over it."
• Acts like your needs for comfort are a burden.
• Makes you feel worse.
• Kicks you when you're down.
• Makes you feel guilty or ashamed for needing comfort.
• Compares you to other people.
• Tries to solve your problems.
• Wishy-washy. One way one day, another way the next.
• Flaky - Not dependable.
• Negative and pessimistic in the area you need comfort. 
• Overly helpful and smothering.
• Focused on their own problems.
• Envious.
• Speaks in cliches, antidotes, platitudes.
• Know it all.
• Rigid and legalistic.
• Needs answers and definition of circumstances (to maintain semblance of control).

Why do people do these things? All sorts of reasons. If you turn to someone who has a low self esteem and poor self worth, then they will do all sorts of things that may seem like comfort, but leave you feeling worse than before. If you turn to someone for support who is insecure, he or she may use your weakness to their own advantage by feeling better than you for not having your same problem. Oftentimes, this kind of "support" is covert. You don't know it is happening because it's subconscious and subtle. This is something you must be aware of. It's important as you grow and heal that you steer clear of this uncomfortable comfort. It's important that you find people to support you who truly value you as a unique individual.

Here are the qualities you want to seek out in your external comforters:

• Consistent advice.
• Feels good about themselves so they can support you. 
• On your side.
• Trustworthy.
• Available and accessible.
• Validates your reality.
• Accepts you for who you are.
• Has empathy.
• Has space in their heart for you.
• Encourages your growth and change for the better.
• Cheers you on when you encounter difficult roads in life.
• Stays on your side, even when it seems like you're surpassing them.
• Takes up for you against outside opposition.
• Sticks by your side.
• Takes what you say at face value.
• Open and flexible.
• Empathetic.
• Expects you to handle your own life well.
• Believes the best in you.
• Trusts the process of life, and trusts other people.
• Gives you time to share without rushing you.
• Allows you to process without interruption.
• Leaves things open without having to come to resolution to feel safe.
• Lets you be who you are without judging you.
• Does not try to offer a quick-fix. 
• Positive mindset.

The qualities of a good comforter, or a good friend, are qualities that one possesses who is a whole person. Only a whole person can give you the comfort that you need to maintain a positive sense of self. You need people around you who are willing to let you be who you are, where you are, wherever that place is for you today. You need people who will encourage you, be on your side and nudge you to your highest good. You need people who are healthy so that they can lead you in the healthiest ways. Nobody is perfect. The key is to find comforters who love themselves enough to love you right.

You Need Comforters!!!

Who you choose as your comforters and supporters in this life makes a huge difference in how your life goes. If you choose no one, then you're going to have a very rough time. If you do not seek out any comforters, any support, and if you try to do everything on your own, then you are likely in bad shape. You may cut yourself or be suicidal. If so, I encourage you to get help--get help fast.

If you have supporters in your life who are actually tearing you down, it's time to reevaluate your relationships. Perhaps you need to distance yourself from people who make you feel worse after turning to them for comfort. Maybe you need to seek out people who are a healthy match for your new found self love that you've acquired along your healing journey.

How to Tell if Your Comforters are Uncomfortable

One of the difficult things for me when I was going through this aspect of my healing journey, is determining who to trust. Who to turn to? The answer is more difficult than I wanted it to be. I went through a lot of friends who were incapable of being there for me. I went through a husband or two. I went through therapists. It was very difficult to learn how to trust the right people. It was hard to let go of people I cared about, but who were harming me psychologically. I had to be strong in so many cases. I learned so much along the way.

One way to know if you are being comforted and supported properly is the way that you feel. Your gut is the best indicator of the quality of support you're being given. Your intuition is your internal guidance system that tells you whether what you're experiencing is for your highest good, and whether it is not. So many of us ignore ourselves. This is a problem! You need to be tuned in to yourself like a hawk if you want to live effectively... but that's another article. For this article, let's just say, trust your gut. If you feel like you're being harmed when you seek comfort from a friend, family member, spouse, clergy, therapist... then chances are very good that you are. Trust yourself and protect yourself.

How Miserable Comforters Are

Consider how you feel when you're speaking to this person. Do you feel any of the following ways? If so, then you may want to distance yourself quickly and find some other person to help and support you. Don't keep pouring yourself out to someone who cannot help you.

• As though life is hopeless, you might as well give up and stay negative.
• As though nothing ever works out.
• As though you're not good enough to be heard.
• As though whatever you're needing is too much of a burden.
• As though whatever solutions you've found are never going to work.
• As though you don't know what you're talking about.
• As though you should feel some other way.
• As though you are ridiculous for feeling badly or needing comfort.
• As though they're doing you a favor by listening to you.
• As though they feel superior to you in your weakness.
• As though they know all the answers.
• As though you should be somewhere else, somewhere better in your life.
• As though whatever you're going through is not that big of a deal.
• Like crabs in a bucket. If they can't get out, neither can you. 
• They criticize you.

If someone whom you turn to for comfort displays the attitudes and behaviors of the list above, RUN from that person. Don't walk. RUN! You cannot possibly be comforted by someone who invalidates you, makes you feel inferior and kicks you when you're down. These are not the type of people you need in your life. As a fellow wounded soul on this healing journey, it's crucial that you get away from these "miserable comforters" and find people who are truly on your side.

How Healthy Supporters Are
Healthy people have the inner-capacity to allow you to be who you are in that moment without trying to change you. They are whole people who do not rely on external circumstances to make them feel good about themselves. They don't need to manipulate, one-up you or take anything from you. They are simply alive, happy, positive (for the most part) and they understand that we people need each other to survive and to thrive. These are the people you want in your corner. Here's how they are:

• They encourage you to seek your own solutions.
• They believe the best for you, and the best in others, and the best in life.
• They offer suggestions, but don't shove solutions down your throat.
• They're empathetic to your plight.
• They believe whatever you're going through is a big deal; they take you seriously.
• They give you time and space to express yourself.
• They don't try to take over your life, they simply allow you to be who you are.
• They make you feel good, cared for and encouraged.
• They don't try to make the conversation about them and their problems.
• They remind you of your victories.

 You can add to this list. I'd love to hear what you think.... feel free to give me more ways in the comment section below.

The moral of this article is that we all need good supporters to help us along the way. It is okay to need support, we were created to need support and to support one another. Unfortunately, some things go astray when we were raised in dysfunction (most of us). We may have a tendency to seek out comforters that we are used to, not people who are actually good for us. We may be covered in unhealthy advice from people who are insecure and who do not love themselves and could not possibly love us. It is crucial for us, as growing, healing people who are on the journey to loving ourselves, to distance ourselves from miserable comforters and find people with our best interests at heart. Good luck in your journey!&

Hurtful People Are Not True Friends

It's one thing to keep friends together, but some friends are not worth keeping!!! It doesn't matter how long you've known a person. If you are continuously being hurt, invalidated, disrespected, smothered or ignored, then you need to get away--no question. Even if this person is a beloved family member, parent, child, sibling, you can't allow others to push you around, use and abuse you!!! You must draw boundaries to protect yourself!!! Set limits to keep toxic people, bullies, invalidators and narcissists away!!! You cannot change them. You can only change yourself, so stop trying to help them.

Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty, stupid or ashamed for walking away from a person who is hurting you is themselves TOXIC. Don't listen!!! They want you to stay the way you are for selfish reasons. They don't care about you or your feelings or your peace or your future. People who care so little for you that they would encourage you to be a doormat and keep hurtful people in your life are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Find people who SUPPORT YOU in your journey. Someone who loves you backs you up. Someone who loves you respects YOUR decisions to end relationships, take a step back or go No Contact. A true friend respects your decisions and encourages you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe. A true friend is on your side.

Instead of fighting these manipulators and defending yourself against their poisonous darts, put them at arms length. Give yourself more room to breathe. Life is so much more!!! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel!!! I promise!!!

REMEMBER: It is a PRIVILEGE to know you.

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit

The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

Also, sign up to receive notifications for new posts in the column on the right.

This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.

6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.

7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.

14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?

*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

Should You Vent Your Frustrations?

6 Virtues and 6 Vices of Venting - Love this article on Psychology today. Decided to save it here so I can read it again a few times, and also so my friends can read it too.

People Around You

As you raise your level of experience to a higher level of expectation, you will notice that certain people can't remain in your presence. If someone is negative and plays the victim and you're positive with a can-do attitude, you two are going to clash. If a person is envious of you and wants to see you fall, they're going to have a hard time with you loving yourself and going higher... They'll bounce.  The people in your life are those you are in sync with... They're there because you're keeping them there with your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions. If you have someone close to you who is not good for you, then that means there is something in you that thinks you deserve it. Maybe they are there to teach you something--show you something you need to know about yourself. As you go higher you will begin to repel those on lower levels and attract those on higher levels. Those who want you to fail are replaced by those who are secure in themselves and know that there is enough good for us all.

Sisterhood

“Women who understand how powerful they are do not give into envy over meaningless things, instead they fight to maintain the beautiful bond of the sisterhood. These are the real women who know that we need each other’s love & support to survive in this world. Love is the essence of being a woman. We must be that light of love that seals the bond & unique beauty of our sisterhood.”
― Bindu

“When envy lies within a woman's heart it cuts into her soul & gives her a toxic spirit. It is truly something to be disgusted by. I have experienced it so much in my own life that I can sense the energy of envy without any communication from the other person. It lingers in the air to pollute your environment. Envy is a brutal force of bad vibes sucking the love right out of your heart.”
― Bindu Envy In Women