Unconditional Self Love Melts Toxic Shame

This post is a collection of musings from my posts in my private Facebook group: SelfLoveU. 

Codependency is the absence of unconditional love and acceptance for self, an illness causing one to be dependent on external sources of approval in order to conditionally love oneself. This leads to people pleasing, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, addiction to sources of betrayal, etc... It is the seeking of external conditions to solve the riddle outside oneself, a riddle that can only be solved within by the power of unconditional self love. You are okay just as you are. It is okay to be human. It is okay to make mistakes. Unconditional love is the core of your beingness waiting patiently for you to own it.

Toxic energy that is pent up inside is released when it is confronted with unconditional love. Toxic shame is bred in conditional love, causing one to see flaws in self as life threatening (childlike thinking patterns). This birthing brings forth the false self, which is toxic shame and the root of codependency. The false self is built on lies. The false self is based on thinking patterns that cause one to try to earn worth, love, value by being right in the eyes of others. When this liar (the Inner Critic) is confronted with the truth--that you are loved in spite of your humanity, the false self fades. Unconditional love towards the self in your thought processes sets your authentic self free. You can relax, trust and let go.

It is self love to protect yourself with boundaries. Unconditional love does not imply open borders. Only by setting firm, but flexible boundaries can you protect the truth that is inside and love yourself unconditionally (align with source withing) and love others without judgment (as much as humanly possible). None are perfect, but all are loved is the ideal. That is the essence of unconditional love, that is, loving despite imperfections... it is not the allowing of boundary violations (which is unloving towards self).

Comparison is bred in conditional self hatred. Thinking you are better or less than others is toxic shame. Seeing yourself as equal, without volatile worth when outsiders are impressed or pleased, will soothe the inner conditions you set in effort to earn externally what can only come from inside.

Your Highest Good

What is best for you is not always the most comfortable. What is best for you, in fact, sometimes hurts. No matter what, it's important to realize that life is guiding you to your Highest Good. It is up to you to follow that guidance, though many times we fight it.

Defining your Highest Good is not easy, and it's a concept that unfolds as you embrace it. The key is to embrace it and learn to trust that life is on your side. God is on your side. Events ARE ON YOUR SIDE. Everything that happens in your life is FOR YOUR BENEFIT, believe it or not. We're dwelling in a giant classroom. This planet is a college of sorts where we are learning to be who we are. We are learning techniques that takes us somewhere--where? I'm not ready to talk about that one yet. For now, let's examine your Highest Good.

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment like I did, it is difficult to ascertain that life is working out for your highest good. It's easy to become a victim. It's easy to blame others and situations for your negative outlook. Who can blame you? If you've been hurt, it's natural to withdraw. When you've been conditioned to expect bad things to occur, you may not have that sense of trust that things will work out for your good. You will expect the worst.

It's healthy to believe that things will work out for your highest good. People who are blessed to grow up in a healthy home environment naturally believe in their highest good. They EXPECT to get their needs met. They EXPECT to experience life in good terms. They have no doubt that things will work out and this belief becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

We get what we expect.

Trusting in your Highest Good is an exercise in gratitude. 

Your Highest Good is something you must learn to expect no matter how you were raised. It is in your power to rise above your original programming from your family origin. It's in your power to change your thoughts and your beliefs. You can start taking steps today to release yourself from a negative outlook and begin expecting life to turn out your way. It may take work and it may be challenging, but if you're dedicated, you can trust life to bring you more good than you've ever imagined.

What Happens When You Don't Trust Your Highest Good?

When you do not trust that things are working toward your highest good, it causes you to react to life with the expectation of failure. You see circumstances as strikes against you instead of opportunities for learning. You become ungrateful, instead of grateful for all things. You miss the lesson in the mistakes you make because you're too busy focusing on your dumb luck.

When you trust in your highest good, you can take the things that happen to you and turn them around for your benefit. If you experience a crappy relationship, you can use that experience as a lesson rather than a curse. You can swallow what happens to you as a step in the right direction--no matter what happens to you.

Trusting that you are being led to your highest good is liberating. It means that YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. It means that YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. It means that no matter what, you are heading in the right direction. Nothing can happen to you that you can't use for your journey; in fact, everything that happens to you is happening for a reason. You're either getting ahead, or you're learning for your next step.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28 This is a truth we can rely on. We can rely on God or our Higher Power to lead us and guide us to our Highest Good. Life is not against you. Life is for you. Things are not happening to you, no. You are WAY MORE IMPORTANT than that.

Knowing that life is for you, knowing that the universe is leading you to your Highest Good is liberating. It means you do not have to control. It means you do not have to manipulate or have an agenda. It means you don't need to sob or lose heart when someone walks out of your life. It means that good is right around the corner. You don't have to cling to today--you can let go and enjoy the ride. You can let go and look forward to tomorrow knowing that whatever happens--good or bad--will be in your best interest, and you can handle whatever comes your way.

You, my friend, are being divinely led whether you choose to realize it or not. You don't have to grab, cling, manipulate or control life. Everything outside of you is out of your control. All you and I must do is to TRUST LIFE to do what it needs to do to bring us where we're supposed to go. TRUST GOD to lead you and guide you and to take care of you--even if that means teaching you a lesson that hurts.
You are a valuable being--worth a lot. You are meant to be on this planet--you are not forgotten. You have a purpose on this earth, and that purpose will be worked out, if you relax and trust in your HIGHEST GOOD.

Do You Need Approval from Others?

When you need approval from others you are operating with an AGENDA in your relationships. Your need for approval blocks the path to true intimacy. If you want to have fulfilling relationships, then you need to already have approval within yourself before interacting with others. Trying to get approval at every turn is arduous, exhausting and selfish. You may not be intentionally hogging the show, after all, you are respecting the person enough to want their approval, but your hard work to win approval sucks the life out of everyone around you.

The truth is, you don't need anyone's approval. You just need your own. For some reason, when you're trying to get the approval of others, you've placed too much importance on them. You've projected your own personal need for your own approval onto them. You've given their opinion of your worth more value than you're own opinion of your worth when you're aiming to get their approval. No one needs to approve of you, but you.

We all engage in approval seeking behaviors. The more we try to get the approval of others, the more cut off we are from others. The less we feel we need the approval of others, the more mature we are, and the more capable we are of having healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. If you stop trying to get approval from others, you have time to stop and take notice of them. You can empathize with them, learn more about them, engage with them more deeply. No need to try to get your unmet dependency needs met as you go. Take care of your own stuff on your own time. When you're relating with others, keep your personal self worth needs off the table.