How to Stop Shaming Yourself | Dismantling the Inner Critic

How to Stop Loving the Narcissist & Start Loving Yourself (Video)

7 Ways to Be a True Friend to Your TRUE SELF

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. If you want to draw and attract healthy, good solid relationships into your life, then you must first create a healthy, good, solid relationship with your TRUE SELF.

Please note, I'm not talking about the FALSE SELF which seeks validation through external means such as looks, money, unsatisfying relationships, social climbing, fame or material gains. I'm talking about your True Self which endures beneath all the fake stuff. I'm talking about your True Self, which holds the key to life and freedom; the doorway out of the illusion of happiness (unreachable fantasy)... to the reality of true peace and well being.

1. Take time to be alone.

If you Love Yourself and want the best for you, then you must take time with yourself. Spending quality time with yourself, and allowing you to just "be" who you are--whatever that may be... even if it's painful, depressing, sad or happy or glad. Taking time to be there for you with no one else around is crucial. Not being able to be alone with yourself is a sign that you haven't discovered how beautiful you are, and can skew your ability to be there for others, keeping you from equal, healthy relationships.

The reverse is true, if you tend to isolate, then it's important for you to start taking risks and allow your true self to be seen around safe people. CODA Meetings are a great way to start doing this if you have any nearby.  

2. Protect yourself from the Inner Critic's shaming statements.

The Inner Critic is formed from the messages you received from not getting your dependency needs met as a child. A child has no boundaries and receives all unmet dependency needs as messages-- whether intended or not from caretakers--as messages of his or her worthlessness. These messages form the inner critic that stays with the person until it is dismounted and reparented in adulthood through soul work. In order to have a good relationship with yourself, you have to do soul work which will protect your Inner Critic from harming your true self. Books to help you with this process include, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw and "Soul without Shame" by Byron Brown.

3. Reparent your inner child.

You have to reconnect and take notice of your inner child. If you have trouble being there for yourself and getting into negative, painful relationships, or avoiding closeness altogether, then it is evident that you are abandoning your inner child (as you were conditioned to do by no fault of your own). We learn to hide, criticize, abuse our inner child for the rest of our lives. Our inner child goes into hiding as a way to survive, but it never goes away. As an adult, if you want to heal your relationship with yourself, and thereby heal your relationship to others, to God and to life, then you must meet your sweet, innocent, precious inner child face to face. This can be done through therapy, meditation, guided imagery, visualization, journaling, art and sleeping with a Teddy Bear. :)

4.  Get in touch with your real feelings.

Getting in touch with your real feelings involves going deeper than you are right now to figure out what you're really feeling inside. When I first started understanding this concept, I was shocked to discover that I had no idea how I really felt. I may have been angry with someone, but felt depressed and paralyzed to take action. I may have felt sad, but focused on being a workaholic instead. I may have been afraid, but drank alcohol to soothe my fears. For many years I turned to Christianity to hide from how I really felt. Getting in touch with your real feelings involves naming how you're really feeling so you can reconcile yourself with yourself. Remember, there are 6 basic feelings, Anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, surprise. Try staying congruent with yourself and getting to your core feelings. A therapist can help you with this process.

5. Listen to yourself to determine your needs.

This was a hard one for me. Learning to listen to yourself in order to determine the true need. I never knew what a need was, or that I had a right to have any needs. When I was little I was shamed for my needs, so access to the messaging system in my psyche that I have a specific need was lost along the way. Thankfully you can get the knowledge back and learn the language of your own intuition, your own needs. Your needs express themselves in a variety of ways, from thoughts, to feelings to body sensations. Learning the language of your own needs is crucial to being your own best friend. I can't tell you the relief I've felt when I finally recognized a need of my True Self and was able to meet that need. Whew! It is worth the effort to figure this out.

6. Meet your own emotional needs.

Meeting your own emotional needs involves recognizing your needs in the first place. Taking action to meet your actual needs rather than running to your nearest addiction is a huge step towards befriending your true self. Meeting your own emotional needs is not easy in the beginning because you may have been blocked from getting your needs met for so long; however, it is possible to get some relief by meeting your own needs today. Meet your own emotional needs by taking action, getting out of the house, positive affirmations, visualization, tending to your inner child, making friends with someone safe, allowing some gray area. Just being there for you, sitting with your pain, sharing your pain with your counselor. This deserves it's own article.

 7. Take action on your behalf.

Every time you take action to heal, to be alone with yourself, to relate to safe others, to take care of your physical body, to journal, to get in touch with your needs, to meet your needs--every time you do anything for yourself, you are opening the way for your TRUE SELF to come out and shine. Any time you TAKE ACTION to meet your own emotional needs, to take care of yourself, you are being a friend to your True Self. Taking care of you paves the way for loving relationships with yourself, with others, with the universe and with life. Every time you answer the call of your own heart to be there instead of rushing to the nearest external source of validation, you are being a friend to yourself and allowing your True Self to come into the light where you belong.

Your TRUE SELF has likely gone into hiding, especially in our culture today which is based on the notion that people are sinful and need to be punished. Generations before have passed along a legacy of toxic shame and self hatred. We have been raised to be unconscious and self-harming. We've paid a huge price for the ignorance of our parents and our parent's, parents, et al. This abandonment of the true self has led to addictions such as workaholism, alcoholism, sex addiction, love addiction, gambling addiction, internet addiction, porn addiction and a number of other serious assaults to the true self and to true feelings of aliveness. If we are to combat the pain of self annihilation through healing, we must begin by finding our true selves and being our own best friend.

The benefits are endless.

Narcissists Play the Victim | Never Take the Blame Unless They're Manipulating You

100 Ways to Let Go

Letting go is about releasing control or the perception of control. Giving up personal control of all these things on the list below. Keep in mind... I am not shaming myself for thinking in old maladaptive ways. I'm not reprimanding myself at all.

I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.

Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.

I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)

1. I let go of trying to make people understand me who don't have the capacity to understand me.
2. I let go of the need to be perfect.
3. I let go of my inner critic telling me I'm not good enough.
4. I let go of trying to impress other people.
5. I let go of trying to cover up my pain with substances, people, behaviors or activities.
6. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
7. I let go of having to be right.
8. I let go of proving myself.
9. I let go of people pleasing.
10. I let go of the compulsion to put myself beneath others.
11. I let go of the compulsion to look down on others.
12. I let go of the need to stay busy all the time.
13. I let go of my false self.
14. I let go of the pain I've felt for so long.
15. I let go of the need to prove that I'm unlovable.
16. I let go of my fear of abandonment.
17. I let go of my fear of rejection.
18. I let go of my need to have someone love me no matter how cruel they are to me.
19. I let go of my need to have a perfect body.
20. I let go of my need to be accepted by those who are unaccepting of me.
21. I let go of my aversion to kindness and love.
22. I let go of living in the future or the past.
23. I let go of defining myself by my material possessions.
24. I let go of trying to prove that I'm right.
25. I let go of trying too hard.
26. I let go of toxic relationships.
27. I let go of relationships that are for show but offer nothing.
28. I let go of trying to get the love that I never got in childhood.
29. I let go of my need to please the unpleasable.
30. I let go of my need to be strong so that I can grieve.
31. I let go of hiding from myself.
32. I let go of hiding from my vulnerability.
33. I let go of hiding from my pain.
34. I let go of trying to get affirmation from outside sources.
35. I let go of ignoring my deepest intuition.
36. I let go of being afraid of what others think of me.
37. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by others. 
38. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by myself.
39. I let go of the shame I feel for the abuse I've endured.
40. I let go of the shame I feel for the progress I've made.
41. I let go of the shame for my success.
42. I let go of the shame for my failures.
43. I let go of feeling like I am bad, worthless, unlovable.
44. I let go of feeling guilty for things outside of my control.
45. I let go of feeling toxic shame for my mistakes.
46. I let go of needing to control others opinions of me.
47. I let go of needing to give advice to other people without being asked.
48. I let go of feeling pity for those who are abusive towards me. 
49. I let go of taking the blame for all the problems in my relationships.
50. I let go of giving too much in relationships.
51. I let go of taking too little in my relationships.
52. I let go of hiding my needs to make other people comfortable.
53. I let go of saying yes when I mean no.
54. I let go of automatically agreeing that others are right and I am wrong.
55. I let go of blindly following people without checking with my heart first.
56. I let go of feeling sorry that I'm taking up air to breathe.
57. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
58. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's life problems.
59. I let go of negative emotions that keep me from myself.
60. I let go of eating to soothe emotional pain.
61. I let go of exercising to be perfect and accepted.
62. I let go of degrading myself in order to motivate myself.
63. I let go of judging others.
64. I let go of judging myself.
65. I let go of seeing myself as all good or all bad (black and white).
66. I let go of people who shame me.
67. I let go of labels and stereotypes for myself and others.
68. I let go of trying to get love from those who have no love to give.
69. I let go of allowing myself to be abused.
70. I let go of my old story.
71. I let go of trying to prove myself to people who are rejecting.
72. I let go of rejecting people.
73. I let go of ignoring my needs.
74. I let go of keeping the peace at the cost of my self esteem.
75. I let go of pleasing others while abandoning myself.
76. I let go of the fear of anger in others.
77. I let go of the need to suffocate my own anger which is there to protect me.
78. I let go of denying my feelings.
79. I let go of ignoring myself while taking care of others.
80. I let go of taking care of those who can take care of themselves.
81. I let go of being controlled by others.
82. I let go of ignoring my truth.
83. I let go of being easily persuaded against my truth.
84. I let go of idealizing others.
85. I let go of the need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile.
86. I let go of feeling unworthy of love.
87. I let go of accepting abusive behavior.
88. I let go of settling for crumbs.
89. I let go of giving myself away.
90. I let go of allowing my inner child to be unprotected.
91. I let go of shaming myself for my needs.
92. I let go of being silent when I need to speak.
93. I let go of being compliant when I'm being disrespected.
94. I let go of the need to keep peace at all costs.
95. I let go of what other people need me to be for their own benefit.
96. I let go of being exploited.
97. I let go of self criticism.
98. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
99. I let go of addiction to people.
100. I let go of people who can't love me for who I am.
101. I let go of the need to perform for accusers.
102. I let go of the need to over give to abusive people.
103. I let go of the need to comply with bullies. 
104. I let go of the need to be controlled by others.
105. I let go of the habit of putting myself down for my imperfections.
106. I let go of comparing myself to others.
107. I let go of using outer circumstances to determine my internal worth.
108. I let go of ignoring my needs.

13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks by Pete Walker, M.A.

by Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
   
2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
   
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
   
4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
   
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
   
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]
   
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
     [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
     [b] Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
     [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
     [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
     [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
   
8. Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing: [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism. [b] Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
   
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
   
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
    
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
    
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
    
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

>> More good articles on Pete-Walker.com

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