The Narcissist's Insults in Devaluation Phase

The narcissist has a running list of insults ready-made for their target to be hurled at them during the devaluation phase. They use these insults daily to keep the target in a state of constant confusion, and to solidify the target's experience of being "less-than" or beneath the narcissist in every way, and to maintain the Narcissist's Superior role through what I will now call Superiority Framing (see article in this blog).

The insults may be direct or indirect, depending on the strength and awareness of the target. The stronger the target, the more covert the insults must be from the narcissist. Insults are woven into the fabric of every conversation and every engagement with the disordered individual, focusing on the perceived insecurities of the target. 

All of the narcissist's communications are a manipulation to to narcissistic supply from the target. Nothing that comes out of the narcissist's mouth is accidental, as the primary concern for such a person is getting narcissistic supply, or fuel (attention and admiration) from the target. The narcissist's communications center on the following:

1. Promoting themselves as Superior
   
   
1. Bragging
2. Demanding Attention via emotional threats and punishments
3. Body language and facial expressions
4. Attention seeking behaviors
5. Addiction (black hole of all problems)
6. Lying 
7. Story telling 
8. Trance words and phrases
9. Know it all
10. Competitiveness
     
2. Insulting target as Inferior to them.
   
   
1. Discrediting the target's accomplishments
2. Backhanded compliments
3. Withholding
4. Body language and facial expressions
   
5. Lack of reciprocity
6. Gaslighting
7. Lying, deceiving, conning  
8. Creating drama 
9. Unsolicited advice
10. Comparison / Triangulation
    

The sophistication of the narcissist and the quality of the supply that the target provides determines the energy, effort and efficacy of the narcissist's ruse to exert control and get supply.

There is no middle ground, no regular conversation. The target is always triggered to provide validation or self deprecation and defensiveness with the narcissist. The target is trained, and is put in a position to constantly prove their worth and value, prove their view point and thus to build up the fragile ego of the narcissist for a short period of time.

100 Traits of Toxic People (Video)

Narcissists Play the Victim | Never Take the Blame Unless They're Manipulating You

Love Bombing

Love Bombing is a very common tactic used by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other toxic individuals to lure a victim into trusting him or her and gaining power and control over the victim's life. Love bombing can occur in lovers, friends, family--anywhere you find a narcissist or toxic person. Examples of love bombing include any of the following types of behaviors...

• Texting you all the time
• Telling you you're their soul mate.
• Putting you in the same context as their long-term ex or ex husband or wife.
• Wanting to take you out.
• Liking everything that you say or do.
• Being over all crazy about you.
• Doing favors for you, going out of their way for you.
• Be extremely passionate sexually.
• I feel like you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen their whole lives.
• Being selfless while focusing totally on you.
• Progressing the relationship quickly.
• Future faking. (Making comments about a future that never happens...)
• Sweeping you off your feet.
• Promising you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship.
• Professing to be your best friend.
• Rushing to have sex, move-in together, get married.
• Sending you letters, emails, texts professing love and devotion.
• Being constantly available to you.
• Selflessly meeting your needs.
• Seeming to think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.
• Wanting to spend every moment with you.
• Tying up all your time on the phone, via text or in person.

Love Bombing is a tactic for brainwashing people. This tactic is often used by religious groups to recruit new members. Love Bombing is a cult-favorite and very disoriented for the victim. The victim feels flattered and overwhelmed by all the attention and adoration he or she gets from the love bomber. The Love Bomber is merely a sheep in wolves clothing... What originally feeds this victim will eventually feed off of her.

How Does Love Bombing Work?

Love Bombing works in the following ways to disorient, overwhelm and over-take the victim's normal thought processes:

• Causes the victim to feel flattered.
• Promises a needy victim the love he or she never got before.
• Isolates the victim from friends, family, etc... because focus is on Love Bomber.
• Causes the victim to ignore red flags because he or she is so intrigued by the constant flow of attention.
• Causes the victim to emotionally depend on the love bomber.
• Causes a feeling of reciprocity in the victim which makes him feel obligated to pay back the kindness of the love bomber in the future. 
• Incites the fantasies of ideal love / fairytale love in the victim which ultimately become a trap.
• Cause victim to trust the love bomber.
• Take the victim off track from their own internal guidance system.
• Cause the victim to believe that the love bomber truly cares.
• Cause the victim to disbelieve negative behavior of the love bomber which will come eventually.

The Problem with Love Bombing

The problem with love bombing is that it is not real. Sure, it would be great if another person would come along, sweep us off our feet, tell us we're the greatest person on earth, and give us the 24/7 unconditional love we missed-out-on as a kid. Yes, that would be nice... and we CAN get that kind of love, but not from a stranger. The kind of love the love bomber promises to fill is the kind of love that you can only give to yourself. You've got to love yourself the way the love bomber is pretending to love you.

Plus, the love bomber is so taken by you, that he MUST eventually give up the charade. It's not healthy to have someone so attached, attracted and dependent on you. Eventually, this person who is all over you will swing back the other way and become the opposite toward you. This is where things get painful for the unaware victim of love bombing.

The Results of Love Bombing

If you are taken away by the love bombing tactics of the narcissist, you're in for a very hard fall. These disordered people gain your trust, promise you the sun and stars, then drop you in mid air from an airplane without a parachute. You hit the ground. Kerplunk! It hurts! The key is steering clear of love bombers in the first place... Or, making sure you don't put all your eggs in this love bomber's basket to begin with. Also, allowing people to unfold over time instead of allowing them to rush you into a relationship or friendship before you're ready.

The Love Bomber is attempting to brainwash you by meeting all your needs and being super-attentive towards you. He or she subconsciously knows that they are hijacking your internal judgment system. Eventually, when she is done and has what she wants from you, she will discard you like a piece of trash. This is a very common tactic of the narcissist. To discard you. This is part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Once you are hooked on this narcissist, it's too late. Your judgment is thwarted. Your identity is stolen. You get your sole source of feeling good from this person who once loved you, but is now treating you with disdain. The toxic process of devaluation includes these types of behaviors:

• Ignoring your texts.
• Not texting you anymore, or reaching out to call you.
• Not wanting to see you anymore.
• Withdrawing from the relationship.

These tactics are control tactics that narcs use to exact narcissistic supply from their victims. These tactics are also signals to your subconscious that you're doing something wrong and that you need to change what you're doing to please the narcissist. These tactics also teach you that something is wrong with you... (especially if you already have issues with this negative core belief to begin with). 

After the love bombing phase, you begin to see that it was all an act. This person didn't love you or care about you at all. You were simply taken for a fool and then you're stuck with an awful, painful mess of sorting through how you gave yourself away to a liar. This is where healing can begin.

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?

• Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
• Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
• Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
• Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
• Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
• Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
• Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
• Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
• Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
• Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
• Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.

Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

• Does not respect you.
• Is trying to manipulate you.
• Wants to control you.
• Is exploiting you.
• Does not care about your feelings.
• Is pulling a power play.
• Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
• Wants to keep the upper hand.  
• Is selfish.
• Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
• Does not care about your relationship.
• Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
• Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
• Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
• Wants you to be their fawn.
• Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 

So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.

Why Manipulators Manipulate

Great Audio of "Why Manipulators Manipulate" by Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Manipulators Manipulate

Notes on Melanie Tonia Evans talk:

If we are around manipulation, and we continue to hang around to receive it, then we have to go into maladaptation. We have to change our own levels of authenticity when we're involved in that, and that absolutely undermines our self worth. If you are aligned and solid in your truth and your authentic self, you would not be hanging around with someone who manipulates you (such as a narcissist or other manipulative person).

When you're on the battle field with a manipulator, you have no choice but to become someone you are not because your true self is under constant attack.

An essential truth of life is, we need to be very aware of the levels of consciousness that people have in your life because if you are intimately connected with people or spending a lot of time with people, what happens is that your levels of consciousness start balancing out and meeting. Either your consciousness is going to meet those people's levels, or they're going to drag you down to their level of consciousness.

The only way to raise your level of consciousness is to take responsibility that "I am creating my own life."

Manipulation is a way to play out unhealed wounds. Manipulation occurs from core wound / core belief of unworthiness without manipulating external circumstances. Comes from place of lack, outside yourself.

The only place worthiness can ever take place is within your own inner being, regardless of the conditions outside of you. We never have control of conditions outside ourselves. We only ever have control of our own beingness, and how that beingness is manifesting itself through us.