You Have the Right to Be Understood

This sounds like a strange title for an article. Some of you may think it odd that I would even write such a simple sounding article that is so obvious it needs no explanation. Unfortunately, it's not as obvious to many people as it should be, which is sad.

What I didn't realize until I really went deep is that we all have the right to be understood.

Yes, you have the RIGHT to be understood. As a human being you NEED to be understood in order to experience fulfillment. Being understood is a need that you have and therefore, it's a right. You have a right to get all of your needs met. You have a right to ask others in your life to meet your needs--and they have a right to meet your needs or say no. You have a right to stay or go.

You have a right to require that the people in your life understand you, and if they do not, cannot or will not then you have the right to walk away. You could agree to disagree, but if that's something you choose, that is your right, not your obligation. You are not obligated to stay in any relationship with any person at any time unless you're in a committed relationship, even then you are free to go or stay.

You have the right to expect those who are in your life to understand your point of view and to come to logical conclusions about your life, your experiences, your opinions and your meanings.

In fact, it's okay to make sure the people closest to you understand you. If they don't, then that is a sign that your relationship is not equal and that your deepest needs are not being met. The need to be understood is a core dependency need. If you were understood as a child, you won't settle for anything less as an adult. It would feel weird as an adult to hang around people who don't understand you if you felt understood as a child. That's okay, you can make adjustments in your life to get the understanding you need now that you're an adult.

It is a human need to be understood, that is, to be seen and acknowledged and reconciled with others. If you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to understand you, or acts like they don't, then you may be in an unequal relationship where the other person is taking advantage of your unmet need and willingness to prove yourself as a form of control.

I'll explain. As a child, I never felt understood. Nobody believed that I was being abused. Those who knew I was being emotionally and physically battered and neglected never stood up for me. There was nothing they could do. As such, I grew up feeling greatly misunderstood. What I felt, what I knew to be true in reality did not match the output that was coming back to me from my family of origin.

I was gaslighted to the point that all my perceptions were skewed. I didn't know who I was. I couldn't understand my own thoughts and feelings. Other people told me how to feel and told me that how I felt was shameful. They taught me to abandon myself and follow their way to live. They deeply misunderstood me.  I never got the original developmental dependency need met in childhood, so I've been searching for understanding all this time, all the while feeling a sense that I would never be understood.

Then Eureka! I was doing some shame reduction work and I got a bit of light that shined down on this right that we all have to be understood in our relationships. Up until now, I tolerated people in my life who misunderstood me. I didn't know I had the right to expect anything other than that.

People who are disordered, such as narcissists can use your need (which is an empty hole in our hearts) against you. Let's say you never felt understood your whole life, then all you want as an adult is to be understood, and you may go out of your way trying to prove your truth to others--or worse, you may have just given up being understood all together and settled for a bunch of gaslighting from your closest relationships. That's painful. You may be entangled with a narcissist right now who will not understand you. If so, this article may shine some light for you.

Being understood is a major need of a person, therefore, you have the right to expect to be understood by others and to walk away if they refuse, argue or act confused. You don't have to stand around and be gaslighted into believing that you can remain equal when the other person refuses to acknowledge information right in front of their eyes--that is, your truth.

When people close to you refuse to understand you, it can be abusive. It makes you feel unseen and unheard and invisible. It is not meeting your most vital need to be understood. It is a subtle abuse tactic often used by the covert narcissist in order to one-up you and gaslight you. If you're not aware it's happening, you may feel confusing, misunderstood, wrong or toxic shamed. This is a dangerous place to be because it causes you to lose your sense of self and lose self esteem.

You deserve to have people around you who UNDERSTAND YOU. Don't tolerate people who make you feel like you're hard to understand or who refuse to own up to the facts right before them. You have a right to get your needs met by those who wish to remain in your life. You are precious and valuable! If people want your presence, then they need to honor your needs.

We have the right to be understood and to have our reality respected by others, but most importantly, we must vow to UNDERSTAND OURSELVES. We must understand ourselves and stand by ourselves today in the way we needed way back when. It is only when we learn to finally be there for ourselves that we can get our needs met by others.

It's fine if you want to keep people in your life who play games and misunderstand you, just don't let them close to your heart. Letting people mess with your cabeza detracts from your self worth. You deserve better. 

Narcissists Cannot Give One Drop - Takers

Shaming Should Statements

Shaming Should Statements:

• I should have gotten up and left.
• I should have said something to her.
• I should make more money.
• I should keep my car cleaner.
• I should organize my make-up.
• I should have stood up for myself.
• I should have set a boundary.

Better ways of self-talk...

- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.

- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.

- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.

- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.

- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.

- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.

- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.

Developmental Dependency Needs

All humans have needs starting from the womb to the grave. If the core needs of a person are not met in childhood, that person will develop neurosis (codependency) or character disorders (narcissism).

These core needs must be met by an attuned caretaker. These core needs must be met externally because a child is not able to meet their own needs. They need help. If the caretaker is undeveloped or did not get their own core needs met in childhood, then that caretaker is ill-equipped to meet the needs of the child. This causes generational passing down of issues that often go unresolved. People with unmet childhood dependency needs are emotionally stunted at the age in which their needs were not met.

If any of your Developmental Dependency Needs were not met in childhood, you will experience a core  wound of toxic shame. Toxic shame becomes your identity which causes a profound level of emotional pain.

The damage caused by lack of nurture in childhood is similar to a bug in a computer program. It effects all other developmental milestones for the child. A child who receives inadequate care will grow into adulthood with arrested development, immature emotional and mental processing and crippling emotional pain that impacts every area of his life. The good news is that you can be healed of your neediness by dealing with the shame and taking care of yourself.

As an adult you can help yourself heal from the wounds caused by childhood neglect and abandonment. The first step is recognizing that you have needs that did not get met. The second step is to reparent yourself by meeting as many of those needs as an adult.

Here is a list of developmental dependency needs:

• The need to be mirrored for who you truly are by your primary care taker.
• The need to have a secure attachment bond with your primary care taker.
• The need to be soothed by your primary caretaker.
• The need to be answered by your primary caretaker if you cried out as a baby.
• The need to know that your primary caretaker will protect you and take care of you.
• The need for food, shelter, warmth and mothering. 
• The need for love, affection and food.
• The need for adequate feeding, watering, nourishing.
• The need for adequate cleaning.
• The need for maternal warmth.
• The need to feel wanted, included and as though you belong. 
• The need to be seen for who you truly are. 
• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be understood.
• The need for eye contact, expression of positive emotions by caretakers or loved ones
• The need for cuddling.
• The need for the fostering of emotional security. 
• The need to feel special, cherished, important.
• The need to feel competent, capable, powerful. 
• The need for acceptance.
• The need to feel safe.
• The need to feel loved.

 The meeting of these developmental dependency needs helps a child develop and form secure attachments with caregivers. If these basic needs were not met for you properly as a child, then you will have difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult. The relationship you have with your primary caregiver in infancy forms your working model for all future relationships in your life. If you didn't get your needs met as a child, you will not be able to get your needs met as an adult, unless you heal and learn to meet your own needs.

These needs are most basic to a person's identity. If left unmet, these needs become wounds that generate toxic thoughts and feelings and turn yourself against yourself. If these needs are unmet, they will result in negative core beliefs, also called "schemas" about the self which effects every area of the person's life including mental functioning, emotions, relationships, work, play and physical health.

These developmental needs can be met in therapy by a trained therapist. You can also meet your own biological and social needs that were unmet in childhood as an adult through reparenting techniques, meditation, self-soothing and self-talk. Your spouse or partner can also help to meet some of your unmet childhood dependency needs.

A person who suffered abuse in childhood or any kind of dysfunctional childhood will likely have needs that went unmet. This is a problem that affects every walk of life. There are many hurting people with wounded hearts that we speak to and interact with every day. The best thing we can do is get ourselves healed so that we can be a light for others. 

Sources used for this article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependency_need
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw

Gaslight - Full Movie - Free on YouTube

Wow. This is a great movie!!! It's a great pictorial of the "Gaslighting Effect" common in emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths and other manipulative people. 

Quotes for Abuse Survivors & Abuse Recovery

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.” 

 ― Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals 

“In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is wonderful. It leads to increased intimacy and closer bonds. When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest. In an abusive system, vulnerability is dangerous. It’s considered a weakness, which acts as an invitation for more mistreatment. Abusive people feel a surge of power when they discover a weakness. They exploit it, using it to gain more power. Crying or complaining confirms that they’ve poked you in the right spot.” 

 ― Christina Enevoldsen, The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal 

“To deny someone‟s feelings or experiences it to literally deny their reality.” 

― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers 

“Because we were treated neglectfully and abusively in our young years—when we most needed self-love to be mirrored—it was difficult to hold onto…We take up the challenge of learning to love ourselves, through our highs & our lows, when we are finding acceptance from others and when we are being closed out and rejected.” 

 ― Maureen Brady, Beyond Survival: A Writing Journey for Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse 

“If someone is inconsiderate or rude to you, risk telling them how it made you feel or that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way. If you tend to talk yourself out of anger by telling yourself that you don’t want to make waves, try telling yourself instead that it is okay to make waves sometimes and risk letting people know how you really feel.”

― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself 

“As you recover, you will find yourself letting go of many of your negative beliefs. You will discover that many of the so-called truths you were raised with and forced to believe are not truths at all. With this perspective, you will come to see, for example, that the names you were called as a child are simply not true. You are not ‘stupid,’ ‘lazy,’ ‘ugly,’ or a ‘liar’. You can discover just who you really are. You can let go of your pretenses and masks and discover who the real person is underneath.”

― Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence 

“To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence.” 

― Andrei Lankov 

“I think this point is so important, I'm going to repeat it: You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.” 

― Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life 

 “when a child is ridiculed, shamed, hurt or ignored when she experiences and expresses a legitimate dependency need, she will later be inclined to attach those same affective tones to her dependency. Thus, she will experience her own (and perhaps others’) dependency as ridiculous, shameful, painful, or denied. 

 - Dependency in the Treatment of complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders 2001 Authors: Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis” ― Kathy Steele 

“After a victim is made to participate in an act of evil, the people in charge put a lot of energy into convincing the child or adult that he or she is evil and a perpetrator rather than a victim.” 

― Alison Miller, Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse  

“so often victims end up unnecessarily prolonging their abuse because they buy into the notion that their abuser must be coming from a wounded place and that only patient love and tolerance (and lots of misguided therapy) will help them heal.” 

― George K. Simon 


“One of the first steps in freeing yourself from a gaslighting relationship, then, is to acknowledge how unpleasant and hurtful you find this Emotional Apocalypse. If you hate being yelled at, you have the right to insist that yelling not be a part of your disagreements. Maybe some other woman wouldn't mind the loud voice, but you do. If that makes you sensitive, so be it. You have the right to set limits where you want them, not where some mythical other, "less sensitive" woman wants them.” 

― Robin Stern

“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.” 

― George K. Simon


“LOVE is the greatest weapon for the ones who don't believe in it and for the ones who do its an emotional exploitation.” 

― Amit Abraham

“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.”

― Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing  

 “Mind control is built on lies and manipulation of attachment needs.

Valerie Sinason, (Forward)”
 
 ― Alison Miller, Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control 

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.” 

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

What is Narcissistic Supply?

This information needs to get out there. PURE EVIL.