Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

Crucial Conversations [Infographics]

The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

 

 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’

Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

You Have to Love Yourself More Than Your Relationships

No matter who you're dealing with, you've got to hold onto yourself and operate from a place of integration, worth, value and self esteem. You can't put any relationship above your dignity. This includes relationships with friends, lovers, spouses, children, coworkers or acquaintances. Don't withhold from exerting boundaries to keep people in your life. Don't ignore your needs to not be a burden. Set boundaries. Define your personal space emotionally, physically, spiritually. Set lines and assert limits. Be a True, Authentic Person... not a beggar who is grateful for crumbs and terrified of rejection. It's better to be by yourself than to be a door mat. ~ Ms JLR

Narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle

This video is an excellent explanation of the narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle. The Sweet / Mean Cycle is a manipulative tactic used by toxic people to control you. If you fall for the sweet / mean cycle, you will become confused as you diminish yourself, deny your own needs AND work overtime to make the toxic person happy at your own expense.

The Sweet Mean Cycle is a process the toxic person uses to gain control of their victims. The victim is generally someone who has been abused this way growing up who is groomed to give up their rights and be a puppet to external sources.

This intermittent reinforcement of sometimes nice sometimes mean creates a split in the victim's psyche that sucks up energy and causes one to lose their grip on their own identity, worth and value.

IT TAKES 2 TO TANGO
 
The Sweet Mean Cycle is used by the Perpetrator in the Drama Triangle to entangle his or her victim. Once enthralled, these two people dance around in recurrent roles of Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer. Each wears masks while making the other responsible for their own feelings. Make no mistake. This is a dance on the part of the Perpetrator who uses the manipulative Sweet / Mean Cycle, and the victim who allows it to happen by abandoning his or her self.

This abusive relationship heads downhill fast with the one who has the most power gaining control and benefit. The one who gives his or her power away suffers most.

The Attachment Link

Great article on attachment theory...

• The Attachment Link 1
• The Attachment Link 2
• The Attachment Link 3

100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to tell sometimes when you are dating one. Some narcissists are overt, others are covert and subtle. Some are extravagant, others are on the down low. Some are successful tyrants, others are low-level wannabes. Here is a list of potential signs that you are dating a narcissist:

1. They won't show weakness.
2. They are too good to be true.
3. They look perfect and everything about them seems perfect.
4. Their display of feelings for your pain seems contrived.
5. They are available any time you need them at first. 
6. They have a history of broken relationships.
7. They have big problems that make you want to help them.
8. They are constantly experiencing drama.
9. They talk about themselves in glamorous ways a lot.
10. They withdraw and use the silent treatment when you don't give them what they want.
11. They ignore boundaries.
12. They ignore your needs.
13. They are focused on how you look more than the real you.
14. They speed up the relationship.
15. They act like they love you without telling you, or they tell you they love you too quickly.
16. They make you the center of their world.
17. You feel obsessed about the relationship.
18. They are nice sometimes, standoffish and mean at other times.
19. He buys you elaborate gifts or makes elaborate promises.
20. They play games.
21. They play the victim.
22. They have a grand plan for a wonderful business they are starting that doesn't make sense.
23. They have a low grade job and try to make it sound exotic.
24. They blame others for their problems.
25. They do not take responsibility for their actions.
26. They focus on body parts as a way of turning you into an object.
27. They don't allow closure of the relationship. They want to keep you on the string.
28. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you confused and off-balance.
29. They invalidate you.
30. They give you the feeling that you are in some way inadequate.
31. They are vague about their intentions.
32. They don't answer questions directly.
33. They are controlling.
34. They try to make you feel guilty and obligated. 
35. They try have a string of lovers whom they've left.
36. You feel you have to make up for their inadequacies.
37. Whenever you have an issue, they have an issue that's worse. 
38. They have major problems in their life that they haven't been able to overcome.
39. You feel the need to hide parts of your true self.
40. You feel euphoric when you are with him or her. 
41. They shower you with attention and don't give you any flack about things you want at first.
42. Something is not quite right with this person.
43. This person is super-agreeable.
44. This person makes all your dreams come true.
45. You overlook red flags.
46. You feel like you're in a trance.
47. You stop doing things you used to enjoy doing. 
48. This person does things that confuse you.
49. This person has the relationship on their own terms.
50. This person asks you to send them photos of yourself via text. (Warning! User!)
51. This person makes comments like, "You are going to fall in love with me."
52. This person tells you that they got over their ex easily.
53. This person will usually talk badly about their exes.
54. This person may be very materialistic and into external show of status.
55. This person acts like they have everything going for them, while staying home and playing video games.
56. This person says they are doing things that don't make sense or are unrealistic. (Like earning 1 Million in commission on a deal they are working, or starting a major internet enterprise that will take over Facebook some day.)
57. This person will be focused on details about themselves and share it with you ad nauseum. 
58. This person may seem overly focused on you at first. Don't fall for it!
59. This person will either have been neglected as a child, or treated like a star (both are abusive and lead to narcissism).
60. Some narcissists will put you down and try to make you feel inferior. 
61. Some narcissists will use intermittent reinforcement early-on to make you feel insecure. 
62. The narcissist will not be willing to meet many of your needs. Only the bare essentials to keep you in the clouds--in what I call the "Narcissistic Trance."
63. You will need to make up for their inadequacies in some way... (Like they can't take you out because they haven't hit the big time yet with their internet company, so you'll have to stay home and eat sandwiches or pay for the date yourself.)
64. You may feel a desire to lend them money, clean their place, help them get their life on track.
65. For some reason you still feel like you love this person, even when they're being a jerk.
66. You find yourself making excuses for this person's inconsistencies. 
67. This person tells you who they are with little hints that you ignore. 
68. You have tunnel vision and believe this person is the last chance you will ever have to be loved.
69. You have magical thinking and believe you can change this person to be who you want.
70. This person is extremely attractive and he or she knows it.
71. This person spends an inordinate amount of time making themselves look good.
72. This person cares more about image than about substance. 
73. This person seems to take pleasure in saying things that are hurtful to you.
74. This person says often things to make you feel possessive or jealous.
75. This person acts one way one day and completely different the next day.
76. This person runs away whenever you start getting close.
77. You feel like this person is doing you a favor by being with you.
78. You feel like this person is too good for you.
79. This person makes comments that make you doubt your own truth and your own reality.
80. This person uses abuse tactics such as withholding, gas-lighting, invalidating, lying, mimicry, to get you off balance.
81. This person likely boasts about themselves alot.
82. This person cannot tolerate criticism. 
83. This person will kick you when you are down.
84. This person makes promises but does not deliver.
85. Makes you angry, then blames you for lashing out. 
86. Tells you that you're being "overly emotional" or "too sensitive."
87. Projects their negative attributes onto other people. 
88. Treats wait staff and other "underlings" like trash.
89. Talks badly about others and gossips frequently.
90. This person doesn't talk about feelings and won't share his or her feelings. 
91. This person creates an itch that you can never scratch.
92. Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
93. The narcissist refuses to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
94. This person may hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. They may also be big into fund raising or church / religion.
95. This person does not seem to respect, appreciate or have concern for your feelings.
96. A narcissist can take you or leave you.
97. A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them
98. Some narcissists will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
99. A narcissist will fish for compliments. 
100. A narcissist will drop you if you set boundaries, limits and assert your needs.

As we often say when pontificating about Assholes™, the great paradox of self-awareness is that those who worry most about whether they’re bothering other people mainly bother themselves, and those who don’t worry at all are a huge bother to anyone unlucky enough to cross their path. You can find a happy medium, however, by using reasonable tools for managing your social behavior, like keeping things friendly and superficial and pursuing goals you’ve defined for yourself. Trust in your own rules of etiquette, pursue your social goals, and you will find the sweet spot between obsessive and oblivious.

-Dr. Lastname