You Have Permission

Growing up the way I did, with a step-father who was a huge disciplinarian to the point of being abusive, I learned somehow that my lot in life was to be sad, bad and undeserving. I was conditioned to believe that I couldn't have fun, couldn't enjoy my life, couldn't embrace the totality of my vitality. He forced me to deny my pleasure, deny my wants, needs and anything that made me individual.

As an adult who is healing, I see that in many ways I've carried this abusive, punishing parental figure with me in my heart. This voice I cannot hear, but that underlies my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. This voice tells me that it's not okay to be happy. It's not okay to be equal. It's not okay to enjoy life. It's not okay to be who I am. This critical voice tells me that it's not okay to shine. Not okay to experience my truth.

While soul searching I found the root of this voice, the one that tells me that I deserve to be punished, that I am unworthy and incapable of complete fulfillment. I discovered that beneath the lies that I was taught to believe about myself there is a core of pure love--the source of my existence. This pure love, this source, this truth of who I am was not thwarted by the false teachings. This truth of who I am was only silenced for a time, but it is still alive and well. This is my personal power. Now that I am aware, I can tap into this truth and experience it in some ways for the first time.

The truth is that I AM WORTHY. I am pure love. I am valuable. I am capable. I am competent. I am equal to the rest of humanity. I am able to experience pure joy and pure bliss. I am able to tap into this truth of who I am and allow every part of me to live fully and experience this truth that is me.

I have permission from my truth, this source of my existence to be who I am. All I need to do is realize it. The punishing father taught me to deny my truth, to deny my right to completeness. Though I was taught to deny my essence, today I have the power and authority to override the negative voices and give myself permission to be who I am. Today I give myself permission to be happy, to live fully and to be equal. You can too.

What is Your Value?

What is your value? How do you rate yourself in the scheme of things? How do you positioned YOURSELF in light of all the distractions and matters to which you must attend? Where are YOU in the equation? How do you fare? Are you at the bottom of your own mental list? Do you fluctuate depending on your mood? Are you knocked down when imperfections surface? Do you exist at all?

This is the question to ask.

There are schools of thought that would argue against self-ranking altogether, and I must admit, there is some merit in that. However, when it comes down to day-to-day living, there is a need to put priorities on everything. You, your needs, the needs of others, the needs of your family, society, the world. In determining which needs come first, you must somehow rank--despite what people say the negative aspects of ranking bring. At the end of the day, you only have so much life, so much time.

When it comes to you, what is your value?

Are you like a rock that can easily be passed by; is it easy to not notice you, or are you like a beautiful diamond that makes cars come to a screeching halt in order to gaze upon your beauty? I'm not asking from an external prospective. I'm not talking about your physicality. I'm talking about you, how you see you and how you treat you.

We are conditioned as children how to see ourselves. If our caretakers relished in our presence, honored our existence, made time for us, paid attention to us, showered us with love and affection, then we would have a healthy appreciation for ourselves today. This appreciation would be solid, not fluctuating, and would be sound. We would be able to forgive ourselves our weaknesses and shortcomings, knowing that love is not lost when we are human.

If, on the other hand, we were not appreciated, not loved, not cherished, not treasured in childhood, but, treated as a nuisance or burden, headache or mistake, then we will not have a very good opinion of our value as adults. How we are, how we feel about ourselves as adults, how we function in relationships, how we do what we do, all has roots in childhood. We were either loved and valued, or we were left wanting, needing and longing for validation.

In growing beyond the past into the light of our own self love, it is necessary to reparent ourselves; we must remind ourselves, tell ourselves that we are worthwhile, loved and appreciated. We must replace the negative messages going through our minds with positive, affirming, life-giving kindness that emanates from our own souls. We must get to a place where we can honestly meet our own needs and encourage the broken places inside our own hearts that never heard the truth. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Jenna Ryan 2013