Love, Attraction & Neediness - Article Link

Here is a great article from CalmDownMind.com

Love Attraction & Neediness

Character

People unfold. True character shows itself in time. Loving yourself is about protecting yourself from people who are self-absorbed and toxic... and about surrounding yourself with healthy people and reciprocal relationships. Don't mistake a good personality for character. Just because someone volunteers, serves, gives to the poor, looks like a star, drives a nice car, dresses snazzy--doesn't mean they have what it takes to relate with you in a healthy way. You've got to give people time to show you who they are, especially those who are good at hiding behind masks of perfection. heart emoticon Jenna

Here's a great article to that effect by the insightful Natalie Lue at Baggage Claim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theres-a-difference-between-personality-and-character/

Narcissists Come At Your Weakest Moment (Video)

18 Schemas: Healing Your Negative Core Beliefs

This article shares the 18 schemas as referred to in my previous article. Schemas are networks of core beliefs that you hold about yourself based upon the meeting of your needs in childhood. If your needs were adequately met (or met good enough), then you will have healthy schemas--a positive view of yourself, others and life. If your childhood development needs were not properly met, or if you suffered from childhood trauma or abuse, neglect or suffered from a loss of a parent, then you will have beliefs about yourself that do not serve you. Negative core beliefs are the product of inadequate parenting.

When you do not get your needs met as a child, you determine that you're not worthy to be taken care of. Depending on which needs were thwarted, you may have several schemas--groups of negative core beliefs--that are working against you today.

It does not matter how things have changed in your life, if you do not heal the schema associated with the negative core beliefs you hold in your psyche, you will always have an underlying sense of defectiveness, inability or unlovability. Until you actively pursue healing to build a new schema in place of the old maladaptive beliefs, you are at mercy of old, archaic beliefs that are not valid, not logical and not true.

Here is a list of 18 Schemas from the website SchemaTherapy.comhttp://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm.

1. ABANDONMENT /  INSTABILITY 
The perceived instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (e.g., angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon the patient in favor of someone better.

2. MISTRUST / ABUSE
The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage.  Usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional or the result of unjustified and extreme negligence. May include the sense that one always ends up being cheated relative to others or "getting the short end of the stick."
3.  EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others.  The three major forms of deprivation are:

A. Deprivation of Nurturance:  Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.

B. Deprivation of Empathy:  Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.

C. Deprivation of Protection:  Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.
 
4.  DEFECTIVENESS / SHAME
The feeling that one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding one's perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (e.g., selfishness, angry impulses, unacceptable sexual desires) or public (e.g., undesirable physical appearance, social awkwardness).

5.  SOCIAL ISOLATION / ALIENATION  
The feeling that one is isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community.
 
6.  DEPENDENCE / INCOMPETENCE
Belief that one is unable to handle one's everyday responsibilities in a competent manner, without considerable help from others (e.g., take care of oneself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, make good decisions). Often presents as helplessness.
 
7.  VULNERABILITY TO HARM OR ILLNESS
Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that one will be unable to prevent it. Fears focus on one or more of the following: (A) Medical Catastrophes:  e.g., heart attacks, AIDS;  (B) Emotional Catastrophes:  e.g., going crazy;  (C): External Catastrophes: e.g., elevators collapsing, victimized by criminals, airplane crashes, earthquakes.

8.  ENMESHMENT  /  UNDEVELOPED SELF
Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development. Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other. May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others  OR  insufficient individual identity. Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.  

9.  FAILURE TO ACHIEVE
The belief that one has failed, will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one's peers, in areas of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.). Often involves beliefs that one is stupid, inept, untalented, ignorant, lower in status, less successful than others, etc.

10.  ENTITLEMENT / GRANDIOSITY 
The belief that one is superior to other people; entitled to special rights and privileges; or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. Often involves insistence that one should be able to do or have whatever one wants, regardless of what is realistic, what others consider reasonable,  or the cost to others;OR an exaggerated focus on superiority (e.g., being among  the most successful,  famous, wealthy)  -- in order to achieve power or control (not primarily for attention or approval). Sometimes includes excessive competitiveness toward, or domination of, others:  asserting one's power, forcing one's point of view, or controlling the behavior of others in line with one's own desires---without empathy or concern for others' needs or feelings.

11. INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL / SELF-DISCIPLINE
Pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient self-control and frustration tolerance to achieve one's personal goals, or to restrain the excessive expression of one's emotions and impulses. In its milder form, patient presents with an exaggerated emphasis on discomfort-avoidance:  avoiding pain, conflict, confrontation, responsibility, or overexertion---at the expense of personal fulfillment, commitment,  or integrity.

12.  SUBJUGATION
Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced - - usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

A. Subjugation of Needs:  Suppression of one's preferences, decisions,  and desires.

B. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

Usually involves the perception that one's own desires, opinions,  and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, "acting out", substance abuse).

13. SELF-SACRIFICE 
Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

14.  APPROVAL-SEEKING  /  RECOGNITION-SEEKING
Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.  Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement --  as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying;  or in hypersensitivity to rejection.
 
15. NEGATIVITY  /  PESSIMISM
A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, etc.) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation-- in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations -- that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of one's life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to: financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, these patients are frequently characterized by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision.

16.  EMOTIONAL INHIBITION The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses. The most common areas of inhibition involve:  (a) inhibition of anger & aggression;  (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play);  (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.;  or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.

17.  UNRELENTING STANDARDS /  HYPERCRITICALNESS  
The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others.  Must involve significant impairment in:  pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships. 

Unrelenting standards typically present as:  (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm;  (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.
 
18.  PUNITIVENESS  
The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant,  punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one's expectations or standards.  Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings.

(c) Jeffrey Young Schema Therapy Institute

561 10th Ave., Suite 43D

New York, NY  10036

Schema Healing for Negative Core Beliefs

Hi Everyone!!!

It's been a while since I've posted, not for lack of material. Lack of time. I've been in DEEP HEALING mode every single day this year; learning an extraordinary amount of information about how to truly love yourself. I've implemented much in my own life--my life is undergoing dramatic transformation.

I've been in a deep state of Self Love, going deeper and farther into the concept than I ever dreamed, learning the essence of loving yourself and finding that self condemnation hides in the cracks and crevices of the mind, body, feelings, behavior and actions.

One of the ways I've been taking care of myself is writing just for myself. Not blogging it. Not sharing it. In many instances not even discussing it with a human being. I write in my journal, really letting the data soak in so I can apply it to my own life. I'm saving it all and hoping to put it in my book (to be released once I'm to that point in my transformation).

What I've been learning is a lot about schemas, or as Abraham Hicks would say, the grid--similar to your mindset. Your SCHEMA is something that you use to process the vast information around you. Your schema is the template you use to make quick decisions in your life and your relationships.

Your Schema is your template. If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you likely have a damaged schema, or what psychotherapists call "maladaptive schema." Your schema holds all your core beliefs. If you accidentally believed a lie as a child (or several lies), then you likely have a schema that needs healing.

When a schema is healed you go from a negative core belief, "I am bad," to a more ADAPTIVE SCHEMA which is, "I am okay." The trick is, how do you go from a negative core belief--the deepest part of your being--to a positive one? How does this happen? Is it really possible?

Yes. It is possible and I've found the pathway to achieving a reversal of the lie at the root of your soul that says:

• You are defective.
• You are disconnected and alone.
• You are not enough.
• You are incompetent.
• You are a failure.
• You will die of some horrible disease.
• You are beneath other people.
• You must surrender to bossy people.
• You can't stand up to people or you'll be rejected.
• You must be nice to everyone no matter what.

Yes, my friends. Those are schemas. Actually, those sentences above represent several different schemas. There is entire categories dedicated to the messed up grid you have in your mind that filters all the information coming to you. It's crazy! Here is a quick short list of some of the things I've been learning about schemas: 

• Maladaptive schemas derive from unmet needs in childhood.
• Healed schemas are called "Adaptive Schemas."
• Negative schemas fill in the gap between you and the childhood development need that was never met.
• Maladaptive Schemas are negative conclusions that you made about yourself, others and life in general as a result of getting the wrong messages about your worth when you were a child.
• There are 12 primary schemas.
• Which negative schema you have determines that level of damage that needs to be healed.
• Each negative schema is pervasive and impacts all your thoughts, actions, decisions, feelings, EVERYTHING.
• If you continue to operate as if the negative core beliefs you have are true, then you will continue to manifest negative results.
• "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Core beliefs are the ultimate level that you may need to change if you have any doubts about your worth, value or capabilities.
• Healing your schema is very difficult, but will change your life on multiple levels.
  
• Healing your schema involves arguing logically with the initial core belief, presenting evidence to yourself of your worth and value that your mind is currently ignoring...
• Healing from the maladaptive schemas you've adopted requires that you do several things, including make changes to behavior which perpetuates the negativity in your life. 

 This is so exciting, y'all!!! I can't wait to share more about what I'm learning!!! My latest task is to label and organize my negative core beliefs. It is not fun, I might add... but I know that nothing worth having comes cheap, easy or free, so I'm paying the price to get beyond my own mental limitations--limiting beliefs. I want to SOAR as high as I can go--and I will stop at nothing to experience the highest level of emotional and spiritual healing possible for me here on earth. I'm hungry for consciousness, awareness, knowledge, wisdom and understanding. I'm fascinated by the ways I can facilitate the healing of my own internal weaknesses. 

It's a beautiful thang. ;-)

Much love and respect towards you, my friend...

(c) Jenna Ryan - All Rights Reserved

Psychedlics for Emotional Healing

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How to Work on Yourself

What does it mean to "work on yourself?" Working on yourself involves getting down to the truth about who you are, what motivates you and what is really going on inside. Working on yourself is about facing reality, being open to learning about things that may be unpleasant about yourself. Being willing to look at your flaws, weaknesses and faults objectively--without hiding behind psychological defenses such as repression, denial or projection.

Working on yourself is not easy; it's hard and sometimes painful, but it is only by working on yourself that you can grow and become a complete whole person on this planet.

No one is born fully developed. As adults, we have work to do on ourselves. Life is like a classroom. We learn lessons and mature and develop, or we don't. We either take time to get to know ourselves and correct our wrong assumptions and beliefs, or we waste our lives busy with distractions such as work, alcohol, kids, hobbies, people... anything that keeps our mind off what's going on inside.

Working on yourself involves getting to know who you are and what makes you tick. It means you don't medicate your pain, but instead, you meet it head on with courage and concern. Working on yourself is the ultimate form of self love and self nurture. And it works! There is nothing more satisfying and healing than to know that you have overcome a life-long problem, pain or negative core belief. Watching yourself operate from a higher level is a beautiful thing to behold. Watching yourself handle things with finesse that used to trip you up gives you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

Once you work on yourself and your life improves, the process becomes easier and easier. Eventually you get to the place where you see the true purpose in everything in your life. You know there is a lesson in every day, every interaction, every moment. You know you are in control of yourself and that your feelings, thoughts and behaviors are under your own command. You realize that you have the power at any moment to turn things around for yourself. Working on yourself empowers you to be a strong person who is able to will, to be and to do anything within your power to do. The rewards are incredible.

What Does Working On Yourself Look Like?

You grow and mature when you work on yourself. That is, when you take time out of your daily life to reflect and consider your thoughts, feelings and actions. When you take time to ask yourself, "Why did I do that?" and similar questions. You don't brush over pains you feel in your heart. You don't push emotional issues under a rug and deny it. You don't take a swig of vodka, wine or beer when you hit a problem in your life--no. You FACE YOUR PROBLEMS with courage and strength.

If you are someone who works on yourself you are not perfect. In fact, learning to be perfectly imperfect is a great lesson you learn along the way when you stand by your own side during painful moments. That's just one of the many lessons you learn that strengthens you for bigger lessons to come.

Those who work on themselves are not afraid of imperfections and weaknesses. They don't feel ashamed to be who they are (this one requires work too). They freely share their pains with trusted others and get help when things are too confusing. Therapy is a tool for helping you to increase your strength and ability to see the truth of what's really going on inside your heart, mind, body and soul.

Journaling, writing, artistic endeavors are all ways of getting in touch with your inner child, your true self inside. These activities are common for people who are getting in touch with who they are and who wish to grow beyond the confines of the roles placed on them during their development or by the culture and society at large.

The Truth You are Facing

There is so much to face! So many ideals and fantasies that must be torn down if you are to grow as a person and become a whole individuated person who operates out of your own truth. Childhood mindsets must be shed. Defenses that we erected to avoid pain must be demolished. Resistance to growth must be climbed over. Maladaptive behaviors must be corrected. Negative thoughts must be turned-around. Old beliefs that helped you survive in childhood must be negated. There is a whole host of work to do! Every person has falseness within. It is the job of your inner adult to pull the weeds and plant new seeds. This is what consciousness is all about.

A List of Things You Must Work On...

• Coming to terms with the truth about your childhood. Chances are things were not as perfect as they may have seemed. If you think you had a perfect childhood, you may need to look again.
  
• Looking directly at any abuses that may have occurred in childhood which causes wounds
  which never go away until they are healed by our Inner Adult later in life. Many people refuse to go back and look at what happened out of fear that it will hurt too much. It is only by facing what happened--no matter how bad or how seemingly trivial--that you can move beyond your current level and grow.
  
• Reconsider your self esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you put yourself down? Are you overly grandiose and narcissistic? Are you lowly thinking about yourself in some ways and overly pompous in others? Working on yourself means pulling down strongholds. Rethinking who you are and discovering your worth and value for yourself. 
  
• Examine your relationships. Are your relationships authentic, deep and satisfying? Are you confident in your ability to relate with others? Do you look down on others? Do you idealize others while putting yourself low? Are your relationships equal? Why or why not?
  
• How do people treat you & how do you treat others? Do you feel good around your friends, loved-ones, spouse? Do you feel like people put you down? How do you interact with others? Do you stand up for yourself? Are you a doormat? All of these issues should be addressed because there are ways to repair so much about yourself just by being around the right people who treat you well and removing those people from your life who treat you poorly.

There is so much work to do! It's time to roll up your sleeves and get busy! Get out your journal. Take time to reflect and figure out who you are and why you do what you do. Seek support in your effort to become more conscious and deliberate in your life. Get a therapist. Find a support group. Make new friends. Start talking about what you're working on with trusted others. The journey is long and difficult, but the person you become will shine like the brightest star.