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How to Work on Yourself

What does it mean to "work on yourself?" Working on yourself involves getting down to the truth about who you are, what motivates you and what is really going on inside. Working on yourself is about facing reality, being open to learning about things that may be unpleasant about yourself. Being willing to look at your flaws, weaknesses and faults objectively--without hiding behind psychological defenses such as repression, denial or projection.

Working on yourself is not easy; it's hard and sometimes painful, but it is only by working on yourself that you can grow and become a complete whole person on this planet.

No one is born fully developed. As adults, we have work to do on ourselves. Life is like a classroom. We learn lessons and mature and develop, or we don't. We either take time to get to know ourselves and correct our wrong assumptions and beliefs, or we waste our lives busy with distractions such as work, alcohol, kids, hobbies, people... anything that keeps our mind off what's going on inside.

Working on yourself involves getting to know who you are and what makes you tick. It means you don't medicate your pain, but instead, you meet it head on with courage and concern. Working on yourself is the ultimate form of self love and self nurture. And it works! There is nothing more satisfying and healing than to know that you have overcome a life-long problem, pain or negative core belief. Watching yourself operate from a higher level is a beautiful thing to behold. Watching yourself handle things with finesse that used to trip you up gives you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

Once you work on yourself and your life improves, the process becomes easier and easier. Eventually you get to the place where you see the true purpose in everything in your life. You know there is a lesson in every day, every interaction, every moment. You know you are in control of yourself and that your feelings, thoughts and behaviors are under your own command. You realize that you have the power at any moment to turn things around for yourself. Working on yourself empowers you to be a strong person who is able to will, to be and to do anything within your power to do. The rewards are incredible.

What Does Working On Yourself Look Like?

You grow and mature when you work on yourself. That is, when you take time out of your daily life to reflect and consider your thoughts, feelings and actions. When you take time to ask yourself, "Why did I do that?" and similar questions. You don't brush over pains you feel in your heart. You don't push emotional issues under a rug and deny it. You don't take a swig of vodka, wine or beer when you hit a problem in your life--no. You FACE YOUR PROBLEMS with courage and strength.

If you are someone who works on yourself you are not perfect. In fact, learning to be perfectly imperfect is a great lesson you learn along the way when you stand by your own side during painful moments. That's just one of the many lessons you learn that strengthens you for bigger lessons to come.

Those who work on themselves are not afraid of imperfections and weaknesses. They don't feel ashamed to be who they are (this one requires work too). They freely share their pains with trusted others and get help when things are too confusing. Therapy is a tool for helping you to increase your strength and ability to see the truth of what's really going on inside your heart, mind, body and soul.

Journaling, writing, artistic endeavors are all ways of getting in touch with your inner child, your true self inside. These activities are common for people who are getting in touch with who they are and who wish to grow beyond the confines of the roles placed on them during their development or by the culture and society at large.

The Truth You are Facing

There is so much to face! So many ideals and fantasies that must be torn down if you are to grow as a person and become a whole individuated person who operates out of your own truth. Childhood mindsets must be shed. Defenses that we erected to avoid pain must be demolished. Resistance to growth must be climbed over. Maladaptive behaviors must be corrected. Negative thoughts must be turned-around. Old beliefs that helped you survive in childhood must be negated. There is a whole host of work to do! Every person has falseness within. It is the job of your inner adult to pull the weeds and plant new seeds. This is what consciousness is all about.

A List of Things You Must Work On...

• Coming to terms with the truth about your childhood. Chances are things were not as perfect as they may have seemed. If you think you had a perfect childhood, you may need to look again.
  
• Looking directly at any abuses that may have occurred in childhood which causes wounds
  which never go away until they are healed by our Inner Adult later in life. Many people refuse to go back and look at what happened out of fear that it will hurt too much. It is only by facing what happened--no matter how bad or how seemingly trivial--that you can move beyond your current level and grow.
  
• Reconsider your self esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you put yourself down? Are you overly grandiose and narcissistic? Are you lowly thinking about yourself in some ways and overly pompous in others? Working on yourself means pulling down strongholds. Rethinking who you are and discovering your worth and value for yourself. 
  
• Examine your relationships. Are your relationships authentic, deep and satisfying? Are you confident in your ability to relate with others? Do you look down on others? Do you idealize others while putting yourself low? Are your relationships equal? Why or why not?
  
• How do people treat you & how do you treat others? Do you feel good around your friends, loved-ones, spouse? Do you feel like people put you down? How do you interact with others? Do you stand up for yourself? Are you a doormat? All of these issues should be addressed because there are ways to repair so much about yourself just by being around the right people who treat you well and removing those people from your life who treat you poorly.

There is so much work to do! It's time to roll up your sleeves and get busy! Get out your journal. Take time to reflect and figure out who you are and why you do what you do. Seek support in your effort to become more conscious and deliberate in your life. Get a therapist. Find a support group. Make new friends. Start talking about what you're working on with trusted others. The journey is long and difficult, but the person you become will shine like the brightest star.

100 Things About Assertiveness

Assertiveness is knowing who you are and what you deserve. This inner-superpower takes complete ownership of your energy and life force.  Assertiveness is related to the loving parent a healthy person has on the inside.  The panache of self love is knowing who you are and defending yourself, and fending for yourself with confidence and authenticity.

1. Assertiveness gets your needs met. 
2. Assertiveness stands up for you.
3. Assertiveness gives you the power to say no.
4. Assertiveness helps you stand up to your own inner-critic.
5. Assertiveness sets boundaries in relationships.
6. Assertiveness holds your identity together.
7. Assertiveness helps you get your point across. 
8. Assertiveness walks away from anything that steals, abuses or hurts.
9. Assertiveness proves that you're not afraid to be who you are.
10. Assertiveness speaks its mind.
11. Assertiveness knows who it is.
12. Assertiveness knows what its worth.
13. Assertiveness knows its rights in relationship.
14. Assertiveness knows what it is doing.
15. Assertiveness doesn't cow down.
16. Assertiveness may be afraid, but still stands up.
17. Assertiveness is only available to those who know who they are.
18. Assertiveness is hard for those with strict, regimented, stringent upbringings. 
19. Assertiveness is impossible if you're dependent on the person.
20. Assertiveness proves you love yourself.
21. Assertiveness is a learned-skill.
22. Assertiveness level is dictated by your level of knowledge of your personhood.
23. Assertiveness earns respect.
24. Assertiveness may seem counter-intuitive to those who give themselves away to earn love.
25. Assertiveness isn't angry.
26. Assertiveness is firm. 
27. Assertiveness is straight forward, up-front.
28. Assertiveness is the antithesis of manipulation.
29. Assertiveness is a mixture of knowing your rights with a dash of anger.
30. Assertiveness keeps you from being manipulated and controlled.
31. Assertiveness keeps you from being hurt by abusive people.
32. Assertiveness lessens the times you're confronted with assholes.
33. Assertiveness conserves your energy for pursuits that are in your best interest.
34. Assertiveness knows that you're worthy of protection.
35. Assertiveness protects you.
36. Assertiveness is like an inner-body guard.
37. Assertiveness doesn't make exceptions for bad behavior.
38. Assertiveness is chilled out, natural and clear.
39. Assertiveness is not passive aggressive.
40. Assertiveness asks directly for what it wants.
41. Assertiveness is no whiner.
42. Assertiveness takes ownership of his/her own life.
43. Assertiveness takes accountability for its internal.
44. Assertiveness says what it means and means what it says.
45. Assertiveness is not afraid of what people think about it.
46. Assertiveness doesn't need approval.
47. Assertiveness is the guarder of the individual person.
48. Assertiveness helps you stay whole so you can experience empathy.
49. Assertiveness does not lose its temper.
50. Assertiveness does not give into poor treatment.
51. Assertiveness is always aware.
52. Assertiveness considers the other person.
53. Assertiveness tactfully gets its point across.
54. Assertiveness is a tool for intimacy in relationships.
55. Assertiveness is the manager of boundaries.
56. Assertiveness is your backbone--it helps structure your person.
57. Assertiveness requires that you believe you are valuable, worthy & loved.
58. Assertiveness requires you to believe in yourself.
59. Assertiveness means you know what you're doing.
60. Assertiveness is confident, grounded and centered.
61. Assertiveness shapes your different-ness.
62. Assertiveness is the guarder of your individuality.
63. Assertiveness is alive and awake.
64. Assertiveness is the opposite of doormat. 
65. Assertiveness is not aggression.
66. Assertiveness doesn't care what others think.
67. Assertiveness knows that being degraded is not an option.
68. Assertiveness allows you to go out and do what you want.
69. Assertiveness says no, even though that may hurt you to say it.
70. Assertiveness lets nothing steal its self esteem.
71. Assertiveness positions your persona.
72. Assertiveness gives clear intentions.
73. Assertiveness knows it has got what it takes.
74. Assertiveness creates space for you to enjoy life's pleasures.
75. Assertiveness ends rumination.
76. Assertiveness clears your life of unneeded junk.
77. Assertiveness acts on your behalf.
78. Assertiveness is strength, not weakness.
79. Assertiveness comes from a place of self respect and love.
80. Assertiveness calls out what's real and what's bullshit.
81. Assertiveness dictates how other people can treat you.
82. Assertiveness gets rid of people who won't let you be who you are.
83. Assertiveness is not butt-kissing.
84. Assertiveness is on your side.
85. Assertiveness never sacrifices its dignity. 
86. Assertiveness stops people from pushing you around.
87. Assertiveness is grown-up.
88. Assertiveness is the fence around your emotional world.
89. Assertiveness is that hand that talks to the face.
90. Assertiveness is an attitude of certainty.
91. Assertiveness
92. Assertiveness
93. Assertiveness
94. Assertiveness
95. Assertiveness
96. Assertiveness
97. Assertiveness
98. Assertiveness
99. Assertiveness
100. Assertiveness

 of self compassion, honor and dignity.

What are we defending?

doling out its goodies consciously and with complete self control.

Ask for What You Need

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There is no prize for the person who needs the least in life. Relating with others, bonding and connecting involves being vulnerable and sharing your needs. Give & Take. This was really hard for me, it still is very difficult. I was raised to be very self sufficient, to give without taking. But we're not meant to live on this planet alone, we have to rely on each other and be open to receiving. That doesn't mean to weigh people down with our needs or to be entitled. And it doesn't mean to expect all of our needs to be met by others. It just means that we have the courage to be who we are and ask for what we need from others. They may say yes, they may say no. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and feel the interdependence at the peak of relating. But only if we roll the dice and ask.

<3 Jenna

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily. 

 

100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

Accepting What Is...

The cause for suffering is from not accepting WHAT IS... When we accept things the way they are, in this present moment, we can take action to change what we can, and if we can't change it, then we can surrender to what is (change our reaction). It's a farce to think that by fighting What Is we can change it. We can't change what is by being angry at reality. Reality wins every battle. In fact, since we are co-creators of this life we live, our attention to what we're not wanting causes it to grow bigger. The key is SURRENDER. There is such peace in surrender. Every religion teaches this. FORGIVENESS. Surrendering to what is, acceptance of what is, GRATITUDE, appreciating what is, right now is the only path to the happiness and joy you're fighting to obtain. Just let go and let it be... take the action you can, but take it merrily, with a grateful heart... then what can be can come to you. Fighting what you don't want pushes what you do want away. Embracing What Is positions you to receive what you're wanting.

Jenna Ryan This became clearer to me tonight in Yoga Practice. I've been studying acceptance of What Is, but it didn't make much sense. Then Maryline Gengoux said, "Surrender to the pose," and it clicked. Then I actually surrendered a couple of times during some hard moments and it felt like I was walking on air. Some harder poses became a lot less difficult when I quit fighting it. Thanks! 


Jenna Ryan based on teachings by Eckhart Tolle, Abraham Hicks, Helen Schucman & my Yoga Instructor, Maryline Gengoux