100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

Unmet Needs vs. Authentic Needs

The Power of Knowing Your Feeling and Needs - Nonviolent Communication

"I like the way my trainer describes challenging emotions as guideposts to underlying needs.  Danger!  There’s a need that’s not being met.  That’s when suffering can begin."

"Uncomfortable feelings are really a cover up for unmet needs.  By following the emotional trail, you’re able to find the unmet need."

Are You Emotionally Dependent? Dr. Margaret Paul

Authentic Needs:  

"I need for you to want to spend time with me - sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you support my highest good."

'Needs' Coming From Emotional Dependency

"I need your attention."
"I need your approval."
"I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex."
"I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy."
"I need you to make me feel secure."
"I need you to make me feel important."
"I need you to fill my emptiness."
"I need you to make me feel special."
"It is your job to make me happy."

It's Nothing Personal

It is not your fault when someone treats you badly. If someone rejects you, dishonors you, ignores you, yells at you, abuses you, abandons you or puts you down it has NOTHING to do with you.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

― Anaïs Nin

If you have a wounded heart, you may have a tendency to put people on pedestals, to idealize them and feel as though they're better than you. You may also try to get other people to fill in the blank spaces of your life, to give you worth where you feel like you have none. Then, when your "idol" devalues you or refuses to reciprocate your affection, you take it personally thinking that it's your fault he or she isn't good to you. You feel like you're bad and worthless just because the one you idolize isn't treating you right.

This simply is not true!

We are our reality, it's all a projection from within, so we see things as we are. What we don't like in us we will project in others in order to criticize them, to reject them, instead of dealing with it within us, but until we do it, we will not really know ourselves.

~ Paulo Renato ~

Healthy people with high self esteem are generally good to others. They don't go around devaluing people, they are open not closed, accepting and not rejecting. When you encounter someone who is selfish, rude and grandiose, it is not your fault. It does not mean you deserve it. You can't help the fact that she is a jerk! You can't control people that much!  Rude people exist. Hurting people hurt people. Just because you come across a hurting person who treats you badly and breaks your heart doesn't mean that you deserve it.

• It has nothing to do with your forehead wrinkles.
• It has nothing to do with your unkempt car.
• It has nothing to do with your muffin top.
• It has nothing to do with the fact that you're older.
• It has nothing to do with your style.
• It has nothing to do with your weight.
• It has nothing to do with your freckles.

So often when we are rejected or hurt by another, we think it's something specific in us that is unlovable. We think (hopefully we snap out of it fast) that we need to mold ourselves into being what the hurtful person needs so as to be found worthy in their eyes. If we are found worthy by this person we idealize, then we mistakenly think we'll be worthy ourselves. Maybe if we go on a diet, do more yoga, wear higher heels, maybe then he will love me, be nice to me and see how valuable I am.

Hogwash!

Not only do we take it personally by thinking we are inherently flawed, but we also try to control the other person's perception of who we are by changing ourselves to suit what we think they want. This is the ultimate betrayal of self. You give yourself away and abandon who you are when you try to control others by changing into what you think they want you to be.

READ MY LIPS: It's not personal! It is not your fault. You're not too fat because someone doesn't love you. You're not rejected because you have a beer belly. Even if someone says that to you, the problem is inside their own heart, and they're just using superficial reasons as justification to abuse you. Trying to change yourself to make another person start treating you right is overstepping your boundaries. It simply cannot be done. You don't have that much power.

All you control is what's in YOUR DOMAIN. You can influence another person, but ultimately, people do not change unless they see the light and decide to change. Trying to change and control others is a huge reason for sadness and dismay. We need to spend more time tending to ourselves and controlling our own reactions. We need boundaries between what we feel we are responsible for in relation to others. We are responsible only for ourselves.

If you encounter a person with a character flaw, someone who puts you down, abuses you, withdraws or refuses to reciprocate the relationship on equal ground, this is not your fault. Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship. Instead of taking it personally, face reality. Realize that what other people do and how they treat you is a reflection on them--not you.